A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my bf of three years always has his eyes closed durring sex,I don't get it . He also has an obsession with internet porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): "Well DER...a woman should ensure she is there for her husband as well. It's not a 50/50 venture, it's 100/100"
It may seem obvious to you, but what dose "there for her husband" actually mean?
As I said, it seems that there for husband means, there to stop him from having fun and pleasure that she doesn’t like. Maybe that's why some guys like when their wife goes out and leaves them alone sometimes..
Porn is not intimacy.. Of course you are right. You need two real people together sharing things to create intimacy. But why would you think porn and intimacy have anything at all to do with each other. Actually fishing with your partner can be very intimate. I found studying with my partner intimate. But I've never found looking at porn with my partner intimate, it's more sexy and raunchy and fun than that.
"Because being a supportive, loving women means always sacrificing your needs to a man's, especially when it comes to porn"
I have problems with this sentence. Firstly why dose love and support mean sacrifice? Secondly, women sacrifice nothing when a man looks at porn. Well maybe they give up a little couple time. But this is healthy; it is dangerous for couples to never leave each other’s side. Women get time off to be individuals as well... A woman may "want" a man to give up porn, but she doesn’t "need" a man to stop looking at something. There is a very big qualitative difference.
"Men's Salvation".... now that is funny. Do you really think I care as much as you about whether men are pleased with me or not... That's why I have no insecurity with porn, no jealousy about other women, no need for validation for my feelings and what I believe.
I am a modern woman, what else can I be. I am on an internet computer, I can't try to pretend to go back in time to a place when women could not vote and orgasms were wrong. Again you confuse me, why do you believe my "standards" are lower than yours. And since your alive and must also be a "modern woman", why do you think every single woman currently alive must have "low standards" as well... This doesn’t make no sense, no sense at all.. Please clarify the link between being a woman alive today and having "low standards"?
Compromises need two people and both people have to change their beliefs. I totally believe in compromise. Giving up porn is not a compromise. It's a man sacrificing something. What has she given up to please him? This is not a deal, it is a bullying strategy that you are offering her.
THIS STATEMENT IS VERY, VERY WORRYING FADE..
"If you were doing something, intentional or unintentional, to the one you loved, and giving up one, selfish thing, would stop the pain...."
Intentional, unintentional, anything that I define as a hurt.. my partner should sacrifice something...
No I wouldn't want that. That is a very scary thing to say to anyone. It would mean total control. I would decide what I like and don't like, I would decide if it hurts or not, and I would get the right to demand sacrifice.. that's very scary stuff.. So today, his hair bothers me and it hurts me cause it itches, he shaves it off, tomorrow I don't like his sister, so he doesn’t see her, I don't like his accent, so he changes it, it hurts when he snores, so he no longer sleeps, it hurts my ears when he talks, so he tapes up his mouth... Your definition could lead to serious abuse...
1) Accept a man likes porn and leave him alone
2) Leave a man who likes porn
3) Look at porn with a man and change your views
4) Continue nagging, searching, bullying and forcing change
Here this lady should take a look at these links, these might actually help.. To force a man to give up porn, I'm afraid Dear Fade, I really don't know of anyone who has yet managed to do that yet...
There is as you say, always the option to leave if he won't change, this is a threat that works in some situations, but in some situations it makes the man leave first.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Sorry Fade, but this is why I get angry at women who feel insecure over porn....
"a woman must feel she can be vunerable with the man she loves and KNOW he will cherish her and put her needs before his own".....
A man must put a woman's needs before his own, and a woman's feelings and insecurities must be taken into account. I don't see a loving, sharing, caring relationship here. I see a man giving up things to please women, but I don't see men asking women to give up anything at all... What should a woman who loves a man do to try to please him and make him feel good?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Sorry Fade, I understand exactly what you mean, and that's why I get so angry about the whole issue. I spend a lot of time with men, and they tell me how they feel about women's views on marriage and sex. How many married men cheat, how many guys would rather look at porn than come to bed, how many guys stay away from home, and keep talking about the wife being a "ball and chain, or "her that must be obeyed".... Probably I'm making it worse. But men are not women, and many women become happy when they complain "he won't change" or "he dosen't show me affection anymore".... A copy of "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus" should be recommended reading for everyone. The type of love that you talk about, well that's how we women see it, and yes some men are like that too. But a lot of men, well they see things differently. To them women are demanding, nagging creatures who like to spoil all their fun...
You have no anger, you can't understand why I do... But you are you and I am me. You stay cool, and stay porn free, and me, well I'll just continue to be me... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Hey reader anonymous, if you read any of my posts on this and other threads, I explain, it's about control in relationships that I get angry with. If someone dosen't like porn, well that's great for them. Not to look at porn, to remain a virgin, to hate sex is all normal, and healthy for people who choose to live like this. I'm as angry against people who "force" a category of "obsession" and "sickness" on people who look at porn, as I am against people who say that virginity is wrong because you've reached a certain age. Yes everyone has their opinion. You write what you think, and I write what I think. What's your problem??
I must take somebody's word... "obsession", well what we talking about here? This is a woman who has said it's also strange to close your eyes whilst your having sex. Of course I must ask what her definitions mean. He could have a serious problem, how will I know unless I ask?
Actually the reason why I didn't suggest she communicate with him, is because I think her question is strange, and I'm actually worried that her guy will think the same thing. After 3years she noticed he watches porn, and he also closes his eyes. She should have asked that before, he's gonna think, heck, what other strange ideas has she been worrying about. There is no problem here. Some men and women like porn, and some people close their eyes. There is nothing to do, there is no problem here that I can see, so therefore the advice is to relax and do nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Fade, you may not be able to realize it, but many times things that bother men and women like porn, a girlfriend going out with girlfriends to clubs or doing similar things is the result of the root cause of insecurity, lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence. Working on those base issues would be better than stressing over the thing that is bothersome. A partner stopping doing the thing that bothers the other person will solve their problem for the time being, but the base problem of insecurity, lack of self-esteem or confidence will continue to cause problems in the future.
You go on about stopping the porn and how it is the problem and then you say "This is a concern of hers, and she needs to get to the root cause of it." I think that is what I have been saying, but you seem to condrict yourself. Is she supposed to get at the root of her problem or is she supposed to insist on the partner giving up what ever bothers her? Which is it?
And Fade, as far as anger, you continue to show anger and hate in most of your answers that I have read. I have seen very few people with as much anger and resentment as you continue to have. You have a serious need to look into the mirror. Laugh all you want. It is apparent that you have much unhappiness. I hope laughing helps you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): Sorry Replacement, I wasn't trying to say that you meant that. I was just taking the quote and expanding on it. I should have made that clear or not used your statement to expand on.
I also agree with what you have said so far. I have never had to give up porn for anyone, so I cannot totally understand what it would mean. I think that I could live easily without it if it bothered my wife that much. Fortunately for me, both my first wife and my current wife of 23 years and partner of 29 years both liked porn and have no problem with me watching it with them or alone. Actually, my first wife and I watched it together all of the time and I never watched it alone. It actually helped our sex life, as neither one of us had any experience before we started having sex. My current wife and I have a great sex life and just use porn occasionally for some extra excitement.
I think that there are 2 ways to look at giving it up for someone, or giving up anything for that matter. First of all, why does it bother the other person? If it is insecurity then perhaps it is better for both individuals to work on the cause of that insecurity. If it is because the person feels inadaquate, then giving up porn or whatever is not going to help them gain the confidence that they need. If a women hates porn because, for instance, she was once raped and it reminds her of that, then giving it up should be an easy decision. We sometimes change because we love a person, but perhaps sometimes helping them with the root of their problem might be the more lasting approach.
JessicaG wrote a question about porn a couple of months ago. She could see that it didn't mean that her boyfriend didn't love her, but she had a hard time with it. She decided to try to work on her confidence instead of concentrating on making him stop. That decision will do more for her when another problem comes up in her relationship than if he had just given up porn for her.
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reader, Replacement  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 "Now let’s suppose that the guy asks the woman to stop going out drinking with her girlfriends. That is a luxury. If anyone says that the guy giving up porn is required but the woman should be able to go out and do anything that she wants then that person is a hypocrite. That would also be the case if the same person said that the woman should obey, while the man shouldn’t have to. Let’s be fare to both sexes."
I never said any of these things. Of course long term relationships often require compromise and sacrifice. I never advocate that all men should stop watching porn once they get into a relationship. But for some couples, that really is the best solution.
For me, though, I have had many girlfriends who literally hated themselves and thought they were repulsive because I watched porn. No amount of explaining the 'true reason' helped them, they were in a lot of pain and several of my relationships crumbled because I felt like I had a 'right' to watch it and refused to give up that right. I was never addicted, I watched it maybe 2 or 3 times a month, but it still had an impact on my relationships. So I stopped watching it with my current girlfriend (and some others)- it really improved things between us. And I can honestly say that I have never missed porn or felt like I was making an unreasonable sacrifice to please my girlfriend. Porn was never a huge part of my life, I mostly watched it out of boredom. So it was very easy for me to give it up once I got over the idea that my curiosity was more important than the pain my partners experienced.
So, obviously men shouldn't HAVE to give up things that are important to them in order to please their girlfriends. But I do believe that when you are in love with someone, you don't usually want to see them in pain. And my philosophy is, if you have the power to cause them LESS pain, simply by giving up something like pornography, why wouldn't you exercise that power?
Not all women have a problem with porn, and for some men porn really is a valuable tool in their lives, and they won't ever stop watching it. It's up to individual couples to find a compromise that suits BOTH partners needs. A man giving up porn for his wife/girlfriend will NEVER work if he is bitter about it. He will eventually watch it and lie about it. Men who feel they need porn will never give it up... I'm talking more about casual users like myself who never really cared about it that much anyway, so it was a very easy thing to stop. If stopping is a viable option that both partners can be happy with, I don't see why that's such a bad thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): I can’t agree more with DiovanLestat’s last post in response to Fade. This sort of question always seems to be one sided, where the guy is a jerk if he doesn’t give in to a controlling girlfriend, while he is called controlling if he asks her to quit doing something.
“If he is a reasonable man who isn't addicted to the stuff, he will be willing to stop. For most men porn isn't a necessity, but a luxury.”
OK, for the time being, I will completely agree with that. Now let’s suppose that the guy asks the woman to stop going out drinking with her girlfriends. That is a luxury. If anyone says that the guy giving up porn is required but the woman should be able to go out and do anything that she wants then that person is a hypocrite. That would also be the case if the same person said that the woman should obey, while the man shouldn’t have to. Let’s be fare to both sexes.
“Diovan, why can't all women be like you?”
Hey, my wife is the same as Diovan. Maybe that’s why I like the cowgirl so much. There are also a lot of other women like Diovan and my wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): I close my eyes. I have also seen porn. They are not connected. I think while on the subject of addiction you could see if youre addicted to everything being a problem. If he looked you in the eye you may even decide your next posting could be his watching you is
making you self conscious and you are being used as a live porno film.
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reader, saltwater  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 Diovan, why can't all women be like you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): In response to Fade.. well the boot is also on the other foot on the other side of the arguement. It's always, nearly 98% times a case of a man liking porn, being truthfull about it and a woman says that he should stop it. It's not really about the porn I have an issue with, but the question of control in relationships. Why, oh why do women force men to change, when we have few post, under probably 5% of posts from men asking women to change.... I get angry when I see women spoiling perfectly good relationships over something that is normal to other people and then suffering because they can't find somebody to share their beliefs. This is what upsets me... IF HE LOVED ME... But I always wonder why we don't get the question from men IF SHE LOVED ME....I'm very lucky in relationships, very, very, lucky and I have little to complain about. It hurts me when women have brought into the lie that love means total sacrifice and that beauty is all. Relationships are about communication, understanding and trying to get along. Not giving up things and demanding things, because you don't like them and you feel that your partner should agree. This is an advice and relationship site, and I'm yes, I'm trying to get some women to realise, that a good guy who looks at porn, is better than an abusive one....
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reader, Replacement +, writes (28 August 2008):
Communication is key, talk to him about it. Keeping it to yourself or asking about it on the internet, (while we are a great resource) isn't going to solve your relationship problems. After 3 years you should have the comfort level to ask him.
I close my eyes during sex to focus on the feelings, as sometimes having my eyes open can distract me, it's not because I am thinking of someone else if that's what you're worried about him doing.
Ask him to stop watching porn if it bothers you. If he is a reasonable man who isn't addicted to the stuff, he will be willing to stop. For most men porn isn't a necessity, but a luxury. Unless we have grown dependent on it, we can function quite well without (I speak as a man who hasn't watched porn in years out of respect for my partner). If he is dependent or unwilling to quit you will either have to accept that porn for this man is an important part of his life, and find a way to deal with it, or leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): You mean that you have been with this guy for 3 years and you haven’t asked him why he keeps his eyes closed during sex. If that is the case, then you have a major communication problem. Did you ever consider asking him? I just asked my wife if she ever closes her eyes during sex. She said that she does sometimes. So do I, but I couldn’t tell you when after the fact and neither can she remember when she does it. Guess why. It’s because we are both immersed in the sex and our enjoyment of it. Sure, I try to know how she is reacting so that I can help her orgasm along at the right moment, but I don’t pay any attention what she is looking at. If we kiss then we normally look into each others eyes before closing our eyes and kissing. I also like to look at her erect nipples at times because it turns me on. Everyone is different and just because someone keeps their eyes closed all the time or keeps them open all the time doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with the sex. Most likely they are enjoying it a lot.
Try to enjoy the sex instead of worrying about what he is thinking. Does he seem like he doesn’t enjoy the sex with you or do you just think that anything he does will seem to be a problem? If the latter is the case then you need to address some insecurity problems.
Just what is an internet porn obsession? Does he watch porn 3 times a week for 10 minutes each time or does he watch it for 3 hours a day, or something in between? A certain amount of porn can be normal and can help the sexual experience between partners. Some men also use porn to get off on if they have a much higher sex drive than their partner. Some women do also, but my experience tells me that it is more likely for a man to have the higher sex drive. Or maybe it is just me. My wife was happy for me to use porn to help me get rid of sexual tension when she wasn’t in the mood. I used to be ready 3 or 4 times a day, while she was happy with 1 or 2 times. That was when we were younger. There isn’t much of a difference anymore, so porn usage is less.
You don’t give much information for us to know what the situation really is. If this is all that you have to go on then you need to have some serious communication between the 2 of you.
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reader, -NothingLasts4ever- +, writes (28 August 2008):
 The person below me over reacted a bit... You only asked a simple question.
My boyfriend closes his eyes during sex, I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it just helps them concentrate on what they're doing and it probably makes it more enjoyable because they're in their own little world.
About the porn thing, why not watch it with him. Could turn out quite well;)
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): Define the word obsession. Obsession is a strong word. Looking at porn is a normal activity. Obsession is a normal activity that goes over board. I am worried about your judgement. You think that something is abnormal when somebody closes their eyes. You need to check yourself, because you are starting to display big control issues. You haven't written the book on what is normal, moral or right or wrong.
I look at porn too and I close my eyes. Would you define me as abnormal, because I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with you.
Keep your eyes open if you want to. I close my eyes firstly because I'm shy, secondly because sex can be overwhelming and thirdly because I'm too caught up in experience to check what my partner is doing. Sex shouldn't be a science experiment, you need to relax, stop checking up on your guy and start to be caught up in the sexual moment as well. Try closing your eyes and see how it feels, I guarantee that it will be different, but not as strange as it currently seems to you at the moment....
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reader, saltwater +, writes (28 August 2008):
I don't get it either.
Are they always closed? Sometimes during sex us men just close our eyes for a few seconds at a time -- just for some personal "WOW! THIS IS AMAZING!" time.
Now it's all too easy to jump to conclusions, but I don't see the logic of keeping his eyes shut when he could be looking at you, so maybe he is mentally fantasising about something, or someone else.
Or maybe it's just his way of having sex.
I guess only he can tell you. Talk to him about it.
Good luck
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reader, deejuliet +, writes (28 August 2008):
 I really dont think you need to make a big deal out of this. I, and my boyfriend, often close our eyes during sex as a way to completely immerse ourselves in the pleasurable sensations we are feeling. It doesnt necessarily mean that he is fantisizing about another woman or porn.
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