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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I would like to know WHY it is that the wife vilifies the mistress when she finds out her husband cheated on her with the mistress for years? Why does she BLOCK the mistress on social media while taking her husband back and working on the marriage? With a cheater? Can anyone enlighten me why the other woman is blamed when the married man is the one who broke his vows to his wife? And is even more to blame than the mistress? Just seems wrong to block and blame the mistress but giving the cheating husband a pass? I don't understand when a wife finds out her husband was cheating for almost 10 years with another woman why he is not thrown out on the street, homeless and penniless for what he did to his wife for all those years? He must have lied about the affair, that it meant nothing and blamed the other woman for taking advantage of him. Thanks for your input.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 August 2020):
 She will still blame him. She won’t trust him. She will feel betrayed for a very long time. That said, she’s married to him, not the mistress who decided to help wreck a marriage for 10 years. Both the husband and mistress have no compassion or morals. They are both highly to blame.
The mistress can go because there’s no attachment there. The husband can attempt to stay because there’s a marriage there. Regardless, he’ll get what’s coming to him and the mistress may too - if karma is real, they have 10 years of cheating to make up for.
The mistress didn’t care about the wife when she was having an affair with the husband, so why would she care that the wife blocked her?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): What is all this stuff about whether or not you blame a friend if she goes with husband? Nine times out of ten the woman the man pursues - yes pursues - is not a friend at all, she might be his secretary, she might be a next door neighbour who is sick of his sleazy ways, she might be a woman he is chatting up online. She does not know his wife at all, very often the man lies and says he is single or separated. Very often he says the marriage is so bad he is going to leave as soon as he can afford the money it costs. Of course, he never can afford it and his lack of money is the reason he stays with wife and lies to her about how sorry he is and how much he loves her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): Human-nature and/or pride is weird, unpredictable, ironic, dangerous, and inexplicable!
Why would a wife blame the mistress and not the husband? Why would you think she doesn't blame him and assume he gets a pass? What fantasy-world do you live in?
My dear, you are getting-off relatively light! Considering ancient Hebrew Mosaic Law requires adulterers to be publicly-stoned to death. Being blocked is mild compared to being thrashed, snatched bald, and having your ever-loving husband-stealing eyeballs clawed-out! Be ever-grateful the law protects you; unless you live under old-customs in some middle-eastern, Asian, and some other nations; that may still institute some pretty harsh punishments. Aimed at the mistress, but not the man involved!
Nothing stings like a friend's betrayal; especially when it involves your spouse!!! Why do mistresses want other-women's husbands? If you were fooled and didn't know at-first, it's understood. If you continue once you're aware, you're complicit; and the wife has it all out for you!
Why should a mistress be let off the hook???
You're a woman. You should understand the mind of a woman. Husbands and wives have a history; which includes an emotional-connection, and a bond that remains attached even when they can't stand the very sight of each-other. They are the only two people on the planet capable of severing that bond. That's through both an emotional and a legal-process. He won't leave her for a variety of reasons. Mainly because, she has a hold over him. She has a power, not even she may be fully aware of; but there is this built-in extra-sensory perception spouses develop that follows each-other wherever they go. Then there are excellent divorce attorneys from the bowels of hell; who'll strip you naked, and grab every last cent you've ever made! They even the score! You don't just walk-out on a wife for your mistress without repercussions.
Even for a couple who despises each-other, going through a divorce; the detachment and separation is agonizing. There is grief; and the steeping-losses aren't just financial, but psychological. The realization of failure is devastating! It can bring-out the worst in us; and make people commit cruel and vicious acts. Pride hates rejection. Betrayal reaches deep into our souls; and it pulls-out every negative-emotion within us. Women aren't afraid to access and expose their emotions. They are not afraid to let emotion guide their decisions. Sometimes they trust their emotions and feelings over their commonsense; when they believe they really love you. It's extraordinary! Men are conditioned to try to out-think and suppress our emotions; but we learn as we mature that's impossible. So we fake-it! We put on poker-faces, and use anger and aggression to hide the fact our feelings are hurt. We bury the humiliation of our injured-pride behind stoicism; but it's all there inside, fighting to get-out. There's a crying little man-child in a wet-diaper, behind a rough-exterior pretending to be tough! You could knock him over with a feather!
Men don't like discussing their feelings. Instead, we hide like wounded-beasts, to lick our wounds; and to avoid being seen in a weakened and vulnerable state. Hence, his marital-problems go unattended; meanwhile, the wounds fester. He goes prowling about. Like a pig sniffing-out truffles, some man-less women have a nose for finding roving-husbands; and they know just how to manipulate them. Roving-husbands are like stray-dogs, trolling around for bitches in heat. While he has done a mountain of wrong; a ride-or-die woman will still standby you. They nurse your wounds, forgive your sins, and rebuild your pride. Even when you don't deserve it. That doesn't mean they don't keep record; and store record of all your sins and transgressions in a secret-file. You will pay someday. Their forgiveness is conditional, fragile, paper-thin, and mostly phony. Once trust is gone, forgiveness is a facade put-on to get your guard down. To make you relax, and to test you; to see if you are as sorry as you claim to be. They don't believe you; even if you're truly repentant. They just won't let you go; because it's a slap in their face to know you'll just go back to that B-word. He will suffer! Just not yet. Like a prisoner on death-row! Some wives will milk that cheater's guilt for all it's worth$$$! Psychological-warfare is a scorned-woman's most effective and lethal of weapons!
Relationships go wrong, they stagnate or deteriorate; and some men choose to stray from home, and go-out seeking sex and comfort in the arms of another woman (other women); because he is cruel-hearted, morally-bankrupt, weak-minded, and depraved. He cheats on a good-woman, because he was wrongly-chosen. Her bad!!! She was blinded of the devil standing there before her, with foolish and reckless-attraction. He was a bad-choice. Good-men make mistakes, just like good-women; but there is always that momentary-period that you think, make a plan, and you decide whether or not to execute a deed you know will be wrong. Don't pretend like love just overtakes people; and they go all stupid. That's a big stinking nasty steaming-pile of bull-manure! That excuse is just accepted and overused; because it's convenient! People tend to choose the easiest route to get whatever they want. Even if it means hurting somebody, or destroying other people. Even at the risk of losing their own children!
Selfishness is like anesthesia to the conscience. It numbs your feelings against betrayal of trust. You convince yourself you can't help it, you will getaway with it, and what they don't know won't hurt them! It hurts, and you know it hurts. Entitlement and ego says, "Go for it! The hell with the consequences!" The devil is ecstatic! Beside himself with joy! Cheating is his favorite tool for ruining marriages and destroying families! Throw-in some porn, drugs, and alcohol for seasoning! He'll gorge himself on infidelity!
Sometimes a guy is seduced, but rarely is that the case. It's a calculated and deliberate pursuit. No matter how he explains it, or tries to make excuses for it, he can't justify it. Divorce is the solution when marriages can't be mended. Not cheating! There is this misguided-notion and myth passed-down through the ages that men can't control our sexual-urges. We just lose-it and can't help it. There is another myth, that women can go without sex forever; and they can control their urges much better than we can. There are many misguided-notions, stereotypes, and myths about men that have been widely-circulated and passed-down for so long; they are believed to be true. So, you may as well try to live-up to them! If you believe your man goes completely mindless and looses all his self-control in the presence of a vagina; then you'll blame it on his manhood, and the other vagina. Alrighty then! Then I guess we're covered!
Vows were exchanged that included promises of enduring life for better or worse, through sickness and in health; and a claim that this would be so until death-departed. *Cough & clear-throat!*...and to forsake all others! Well, somebody has to stick to that promise.
You are wrong, he is not given a pass. He is held captive to his promises. He is forced to accept his responsibility; and he doesn't get the freedom to do with his penis as he pleases. Not without a dark-cloud full of lightning and thunder hanging over his head. You are totally wrong that only the mistress gets the blame. If she knows a man belongs to another woman, and she is so weak and incapable of finding a man of her own; she's deserving of whatever the betrayed-wife wants to throw at her. Not if it's illegal, lethal, or will cause bodily-injury. If there is a will, there's a way! Mistresses break the code of honor in womanhood; and they are toxic to marital-fidelity. Mistresses are women who can see another woman in pain and betrayed; and not bat an eyelash. They pretend to believe she deserves to be cheated-on for being a bad-wife. Then why won't he leave her for you??? How nasty is that kind of mindset?
Intentionally or unintentionally, you're a co-conspirator and outsider who wrongfully, painfully, and effectively contributed to the destruction of a marriage. Whatever problems they have, let them work them out. What makes you think she isn't owed some payback? Oh, you won't see that, until the same-thing happens to you!!! When you've found the man you truly love. Who'll marry you, and will own your heart. You'd be even worse and more vengeful on the other-woman; because you'll be twice as scornful in your hypocrisy!!! Most ironically, cheaters hate being cheated-on, worse than the people they've cheated-on!
Sex is a powerful, and a great tool of manipulation. Manipulation sometimes reverses. It's usually all that a cheating-husband needs from a mistress, even if he does cheat with her for 10 years. It's not love, it is lust. A mistress is just a modern-day concubine. Years of her youth and dreams wasted on a man who won't leave his wife. All her opportunities pass her by, while she waits in futility. Wifey bides her time, and plots ways to get a pound of flesh; before she rakes him over the coals, and takes for every dime he has! You get the mess leftover when she's through with him. Sometimes that includes baby-mama drama served-up steaming hot, when he comes running back to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): My partner died a few years ago and ever since I have been widowed and living alone. Since then every other married man who comes my way - plumbers, builders, meter readers, repair men, gardeners, all try to chat me up and suggest they come around regularly for sex with me. Urgh. And very often they get very funny when you say no. They seem to think that I must be so frustrated and desperate I must say yes, it suits them to think I cannot get a single man (who says that - I can easily get one, I am not old, fat, ugly or boring). It suits them to think it is okay for them to be at least twice my age. It suits them to think even if it is only quick sex I would still say yes, that I would not want a man who cares about me or spends time with me otherwise. Two of them became very nasty when I said no. I do not wear make up, I do not wear tight fitting clothes, or short skirts, I do not flirt so none of this is me. And I am sure that if their wives found out they would try to blame me. How stupid of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): I know of many cases where a wife has stayed with a cheating husband and put all of the blame on the other woman. The usual reason is that she knows if she puts the blame on her husband she will look a fool to stay with him. If she can pass the buck and kid herself the other woman was to blame then he is a victim, same as her.
I know of one case where a husband aged forty tried to chat up and use his new wife's sixteen year old daughter for sex, he pestered her and pestered her. When the wife found out she blamed the daughter - even though the whole idea was her husband's and the daughter kept refusing him. But she wanted to stay with him (she was the sort who hated to be single and would rather be with Jack the Ripper than be on her own) so by blaming her daughter and disowning her instead of seeing blame in her husband she was able to live with that choice.
I know a case of a minister in his sixties who pestered a recently divorced lady at his church - she kept refusing - but when the wife found out she got the blame. That way the wife did not feel like such a fool to stay with her dishonest, selfish husband. Very often these husbands lie and lie and make all sorts of promises to the mistresses to string them along. The mistress is far better off staying single or finding a single man.
In most cases mistresses do not go after the husband, he chases her until she gives in and says yes. Of course, she should have said no right to the end. She gets nothing out of it, the gain is all his. You cannot get a more selfish man than a man who thinks it ok to lie to his wife and use a woman as a convenience. Ruining both of their lives to improve his. If his wife does not want sex with him then he should sort it out or get a divorce or pay for sex on the side, not expect some woman to be sitting there ready to oblige because it saves him money.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 August 2020):
 Because the wife's main relationship is with the husband, not with the "friend" with whom he has cheated. The husband and wife have history and financial ties, also possibly children. They made vows to each other which included "for better, for worse" so it is only right they try to work things out if it is what they both want. It doesn't necessarily mean the husband will get a free pass. His wife will have lost trust in him and there is no saying the marriage will actually survive, just that they are both willing to work at it, which is to be commended in this day and age when most things, including relationships, are treated as disposable. No woman with half a brain is going to truly believe her husband was helpless in the situation and that the other woman is totally to blame. However, to the outside world, the husband and wife will present a united front while trying to work out whether their marriage can survive.
The friend who saw no issue with having a 10 year affair with her unsuspecting friend's husband on the other hand is easily replaced. She shares the blame for the affair equally with the husband and has proved she is no friend. The wife is bound to question whether there was ever any real friendship there or whether the "mistress" was only friends with her so she could screw around with her husband. Whether the marriage survives or not, the ersatz friendship will not. And rightly so. Who wants a friend they can't trust to keep their hands off their husband? Someone who can do that to a friend does not deserve friends.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 I think it's in part ( big part ) for the simple and cynical reason mentioned by Honeypie : because it's easier. A divorce brings in its wake lots of headaches and complications, particularly, but not only,regarding finances. It's just human to try and see if there's still a way to escape the whole unpleasant hollabaloo.
And also because obviously the cheated wife knows the cheating husband , has history with him, they share memories,interests , properties, pets , children; their lives are connected and intertwined somehow, in a way that
fosters affection and attachment even when the passion is gone. Think are seldom all black or all white , a woman can hate her husband for having betrayed her.... and love him for all the good stuff he did , and he is still doing, for her. While with her rival there 's no bonding, no emotional attachment , no kids together,no lingering affection; it's simpler and faster to distance oneself psychologically and practically from the mistress than from the cheating spouse, and put to blame on her only ( although this one is a wide generalization and certainly not all women act the same way in these circumstances ).
As for blocking the mistress on social media : you've gotta be kidding, right ? Somebody screws you over shamelessly for ten years ! , ... you find out... and you'd still want to count her among your friends or even social contacts ?! At this point, why not just treating the mistress to a lobster dinner with champagne, and toasting to her for her loyalty and morals ?!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 Its easier to blame the mistress especially if the wife doesn't know her. I don't believe that most women are going to think their husband is totally innocent though. It does take two to tango after all. It comes down to what exactly the wife is willing to forgive. Isn't it easier to forgive someone you love than to forgive someone you probably don't even know? It's never just black and white either. The wife probably has a home, kids, bank accounts and all the other things that go along with being married. Many times she has years invested with a man and doesn't just want to walk away from it all. Its a sticky mess and so perhaps the wife will forgive the husband and write the mistress off as some "hussy" who turned her husband's head for awhile.
Maybe the wife even partially blames herself? Maybe she feels she wasn't attentive enough to her husband, maybe she thinks she let herself go and her husband lost interest? Who knows?
The husband never gets off free though when the wife finds out. Even if she forgives and the marriage goes on, trust me..she doesn't forget. The trust is gone and there might always be anger/bitterness that isn't resolved. I don't think any man who has cheated is truly ever given a free pass. Oh trust me..he pays in one way or another.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2020):
 Why?
Because it is easier.
I think it's really that simple.
However, wives aren't STUPID. They have to make a choice (or rather a SERIES of choices) that affect A LOT more people than just them. Like, family, kids, friends. It can also affect careers and most definitely life-style and finances. So yes, I can definitely see how it is "easier" to "hate" the mistress and forgive the husband.
Also, a wife has a bond both legally, spiritually, emotionally and physically that is HARD to sever and let go of. JUST like SO many married men, dumps the mistress like a rotten egg and runs home to the wife and begs forgiveness when the wife finds out. HE has JUST as much to lose as the wife.
The mistress? Nothing to lose. Because she never HAD him in the first place. He was never HERS.
I also don't think ANY husband who got caught cheating and carrying on an affair EVER gets off scot free. His wife will NEVER trust him 100% EVER again, she will lose a good amount of respect for him, probably also a lot of love. And he knows it. He knows he is a piece of shit husband. Some over-compensate lovebomb and spoilt the wife silly and she might enjoy that for a while, some will truly regret is despicable behavior and the wife will truly forgive and they will end up with a stronger marriage - but I truly think that is only if the foundation of the marriage was good to begin with. And then there are the men, who doesn't LIKE the fact that the wife knows what a piece of shit he is, so he turns around and cheats again.
There are not set template here. Not for the wives, the husbands or the mistresses/misters.
Lastly, you ask why the wife doesn't toss him out and take him for every penny. That rarely happens anymore, where the wives can take the husband to the cleaners over cheating. Many states have a "no fault law" system, which means "There aren't any fault options available. This makes filing for divorce relatively simple and contesting the divorce, itself, virtually impossible."
But that also means she can't take it all and run.
It's actually quite ridiculous. Because it also means that in a no-fault state when it comes to divorce, substance abuse cannot be cited as a reason to get a divorce. Or even cheating. (though it can be used to point out OTHER issues as to why a spouse wants a divorce.)
And there are many cases where the wife (or the person who got cheated on) do not file for divorce for years. Because when they said "I do" they took their vows serious and thus will TRY to make things work. Often because they feel it was partly their fault.
Honestly, if someone I KNEW and had on my social media cheated with my husband I certainly would kick HER out of my life too. Because she is a piece of shit as well. She (the mistress) KNEW the man was married and KNEW the wife and still engaged in cheating. Morally bankrupt and not the kind of person I'd want in my life OR on my social media. Regardless of whether I forgave my husband or not. She be a persona non grata. A "social leper".
And Quite frankly, I think the wife is well within her rights to CHOOSE who she wants in her life and whom she doesn't. Even if it's a cheating spouse.
Mistresses are such a sad bunch. Going after married men or thinking that having an affair with a married man will lead to anything good. For anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): In reality it’s not just the wife that often does this it’s society . Women have always been used as scapegoats for men’s sexual bad behaviour . Look at the incidence of people saying rape victims should not have been dressed a certain way or shouldn’t be out alone . Look at the old man who leaves his wife for a younger woman and is seen as a stud just doing what is ‘ natural to men to want a younger women ‘ whilst the younger woman is labelled a home wrecker and the wife is the dejected hag . Look at the sexual harassment cases that exist and me too and how many people still don’t believe the women and say they were asking for it .
Whe. A woman wants to hold her family together if can ge very easy to grab hold of these sexist narratives and double standards in order to continue the marriage.
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