A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I've had a Friend With Benefits (FWB) since last November and i've just found out that he's lied to me the entire time about not having a girlfriend.I don't know how to deal with the situation. I've asked my friends and they have different opinions on how I should handle it.Basically, he's originally from Italy and he's lived away from home since his teens and now he works in the UK. I originally met him on a night out in November 2019 and we went home together. When I'd sobered up the next morning I panicked that he might have had a girlfriend and I couldn't remember asking that question the night before. But he assured me that he didn't have a girlfriend. Before he left, we exchanged numbers and started following each other on Instagram. There was no trace of a potential GF on his profile so I thought he was telling the truth. Over the coming weeks, we'd reply to each other's stories, but no major chatting. It felt completely harmless - after all, we were both single, plus I never really expected to see him again.But a few weeks later, he asked if I wanted to stay over his. I wanted to, but I asked him again whether he had a GF or not, just to be sure. I didn't want to be the other woman and I wanted to make it clear from the start that I didn't tolerate any form of cheating in the slightest, and that the main condition I had for us hanging out with these benefits was that we were both single. After I asked him this, he rolled his eyes at me and said 'No, I don't have a GF, you've asked me this before'. So I took his word for it as I had no evidence to suggest he was lying and since then we've been FWB, hooking up every now and again, sending kinky messages (never photos!) back and forth, etc just having some fun. He'd go back home every other weekend or so and we'd either meet up before or after he came back. I noticed this was a pattern with him.Whenever we had sex, he would try to get away without using protection, but I refused to have sex without one. I knew he was on dating apps (because we'd jokingly matched with each other on Tinder and Bumble) and could have been casually sleeping with other girls. He was single and he had every right to do that, just like I had that right.Last week I saw him and he said he was going back home to Italy in a few days last minute. I asked him if he was excited because he hadn't been back home in months and he said yes, he had big plans with friends and they were going to Tuscany and eating at this famous restaurant. And that was basically the end of that conversation.A few days later (while he's home), one of my housemates, who he has met a few times, had her boyfriend over our house. I'm friends with him too so we had a catch-up the three of us. Then my housemate was telling her boyfriend about the "arrangement" I had. He asked to see what my FWB looked like so she went on his public instagram account (although they don't follow each other on there) and he'd put a story up. I thought it was weird because I hadn't seen a story come up on my profile from him on that day, and normally he came up at the top because of the algorithm. She looked at it and said 'he's with a girl'. She showed me the story and there were pictures of him in Tuscany, like he said, but there were pictures of him and this girl. He told me he didn't have any sisters so I thought maybe it's a friend he mentioned... but they were holding hands. He'd tagged the girl's account on the story so we clicked on it, and he was all over her page. It was clear that they were in a relationship, even though there's no trace of her on his profile. I don't know whether it's a monogamous or open relationship, but it was clearly serious on her behalf because she'd posted a lot about them. The posts on her profile also date back long before I met him, so they were clearly together before I met him! What I also can't believe is that he purposely tried to hide the story on his account from me because I couldn't see it when I looked at it on my phone, only my friend's. God knows how many other things he's hidden from me on there.I feel disgusting now knowing what I thought was harmless fun has turned into me being the other woman. I keep thinking about that girl who probably has no clue what he's up to. I also know that before I met him he'd dated some girls so he's clearly cheated on her with multiple women.I know that open relationships are rare, but they do happen, especially in long-distance scenarios, but regardless, I feel betrayed that he lied to me (although I know he doesn't owe me anything you expect as a decent human being to honour that) but also that he's willingly almost put me and maybe others and his GF at risk by trying to have unprotected sex.I have to end this with him now. I'm so angry and hate the fact that he thinks he's being clever, getting away with it, pulling the wool over my eyes when I explicitly said I don't tolerate cheating and we both need to be single. I don't know whether to just ignore him and pretend like he never existed or call him out on it and then ditch him? Do I tell his GF, because even though I don't know the circumstances of their relationship (she could be very aware he's like this), I feel awful? Or should I tell him that he needs to come clean to her? Should I wait until he tries to initiate conversation with me to bring this up? I'm so confused, I don't know how to deal with this situation. All I know is that there is no more FWB arrangement from here on out.
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exchanged numbers, friend with benefits, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): There are no golden-rules regarding good-faith in being friends with benefits. Thank God, you refused to have unprotected-sex! Especially, when you're uncommitted and neither have been tested together. If you're just into casual-sex, what or whom your partner does in their spare-time is irrelevant.
Under the conditions of being FWB's; it's your call to take risks, gamble with your feelings, and to deal with the consequences. The sex is consensual. If you're not ready for scary surprises and alarming-discoveries; you shouldn't place yourself in that position. I know, for the sake of argument, to shield yourself from our judgment, or block any aspersions; you repeated over and over you asked him if he had a girlfriend. He lied!
You met the guy in a club, for crying out-loud; and you've become friends with benefits! Don't expect the guy to be the pillar of morality and truthfulness. To agree to such uncommitted-arrangements sex-wise; he had to have some measure of dubious morals and questionable ethics.
Your lengthy post and disgust with this guy isn't based solely on the premises that he is being unfaithful to an alleged-girlfriend! You are also offended out of jealousy! You're into him. You were catching feelings and beginning to really like him.
When some women are tired of searching and dealing with the tedious selection-process for acquiring male-companionship; they'll try to beat them at their own game, or try other alternative-methods. Being FWB's is often the enticement to keep a guy coming back for more; with the hopes he will also grow feelings. It usually doesn't workout that way. The outcome is almost always disappointment!
Someone having no feelings would have just ghosted the guy, blocked him, and forgot all about him. If he showed-up at her door; she would have ignored him, or told him to get lost! You are appalled and outraged. That kind of response is too emotional for someone in a very casual-arrangement.
Well, now you know! If there are no feelings attached; it should be easy to just pretend he no longer exists, and have no further reason to contact him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): You are talking as if this was a relationship! No it was not it was a sexual arrangement. His relationship situation is none of your business just as yours is none of his. The only thing you owe each other is to say when and if you want to end it.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 August 2020):
 Its hard to say that the girl he is with in these pictures is his girlfriend, his lover, a FWB's that he has been seeing for ages, or even his wife, who knows.
I would say the pictures do depict something of a more serious nature, so odds on he has lied to you regarding his relationship situation.
Being in a FWB relationship with someone is a good way for someone of a promiscuous nature to woo lots of singles ladies and tell them they are single and get sex.
With other posts similar to this I always advise to not getting involved with telling people about what he is like. It really is nothing to do with you now. I would also advise against broaching the subject with him. SO I would advise blocking all contact with him and move on with your life.
Don't feel bad, its a learning curve, think to yourself you have dodged a bullet. Move on with your life now, block him, and look forward and not back now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): That's easy. Tell him his performance was no longer meeting your high standards. You're no longer attracted to him in that way. That you've found someone with a bigger cock whom you are wildly attracted to and can't turn down. Tell him good luck. But you had to be honest with him. And need to move on. Then ghost him. And never look back. When people are selfish assholes like he is, I see no problem with being mean right back. Because his EGO needs to take a big hit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): The other woman?! No you are not the other woman. The other woman is when the man claims the relationship is serious, claims he loves her, sees her a lot, is not making any effort to meet other women. You were very casual, you said FWB so it cannot get more casual than that. If he can date other people he can have another partner, it is just a matter of where you see the goal posts are, and he lied to get you into bed, lots of men do.
In a way you were blurring the lines because you claim it is FWB and nothing serious but then you try to lay down rules and laws that he has no reason to follows. So he lies and pays lip service to some to string you on.
When it is only FWB what is the big deal? It is not emotional. It is only when the relationship is emotional that it matters. Over and over women go for FWB arrangements when they are out of their depth and cannot really handle the reality of it and have not thought it through. I would not do FWB if you paid me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 I would not bother confronting him. You asked him, he lied.. it's not your fault if unknowingly you poached into another woman's territory, which is ,commendably, against your rules. Now that you know ,your conscience tells you to stop, - which is fine. But you are responsible for your conscience and your own conduct, not for his. Why do you want to confront him for ? Do you think that if you lecture him hard enough he'll reform ? And come clean to this girl ? Or stop being promiscuous ? Fat chance ! But even of there WERE a chance to reform him- that's not your job , not your business. FWBs do not come with a guarantee of absolute transparency, high moral standing or a sensitive conscience; it's a mixed bag , you may fish out the one who is a decent, sincere person , and also the one who would say , do and promise anything as long as he can get immediate sexual gratification. That's just the flip side of being adventurous or sexually free or whatever you want to call it. I am not saying that there is anything morally wrong in just having casual fun ; just that it's implied that when you go to bed with total strangers which you don't know from Adam- you put into account that they can give you all sorts of surprises
(and the one you got isn't even such a terribly nasty one ).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 While confronting him might FEEL good in the moment, I would honesty ghost him. And if he DOES find a way to get in contact I'd ask who he is and tell him you have no idea who he is and that he needs to stop contacting you. And then keep blocking any number he tries to contact you on and block him on all social media. If he does get through, just keep saying you don't know who he is, then hang up and block the number.
You know what I say that? Because that will hurts his ego. Being yelled at or confronted with the fact that he seems to have a GF means nothing, or he wouldn't have lied in the first place.
Just be glad you stood by your "no unprotected sex rule" with him because he probably gets around....
And maybe.... don't go for casual sex, TAKE your time getting to KNOW someone before you jump into bed and get emotionally invested.
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