A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out in cleaning out some old files on a unused computer that my GF had a much wilder and mind blowing sex life with her ex before me than she previously described. This mate was mainly a fuck buddy, but they were friends for a few years before that. What bugs me, is she behaved more wildly with him than she does with me, but she says I'm by far the best in bed, the best sex of her life, the only guy to truly satisfy her, and she's never been happier in all her life.Why is it women will turn their freak on with one guy they don't really love, then not turn it on with another who they DO love? We have great, rocking sex, but she admits she hasn't let her freak out yet...and the emails I found tell me she sure did with him. They did stuff in their first month of hooking up that I had to fight for for months to get.I know I should be happy to be the best LOVER. But like all guys, I want to be the best sex too. It's hard to stay convinced of that after what I read.How do I deal with this? It is killing me thinking she was with some stud, and I'm the "nice guy".
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Why? Possibly because it brings back bad memories, of things that people are sometimes ashamed of.
People become "vulnerable" with their serious relationships, it psychologically is harder to do some of this stuff with someone you have to face in the morning year after year. The one night stand will forget your face and your name and possibly even things you did after a while.
So, wanting to be wild and crazy, a woman might take a guy she considers a "fuck" to a park and screw him in the bushes for the excitement of doing something different. She might even not get off, no orgasm that is, but just wants to be "wild".
Yet, having done that, and afterward not feeling all that good about herself for doing it in the first place, she won't ever do that with someone she is serious with...while they might just love it. She may also have needed alcohol to get herself to do those things, and it may have dimmed the experience and that isn't what she wants from a long term lover. From the long term lover you want sexual satisfaction, love, acceptance, to be valued, to be respected.
Very complex area of human psychology.
"We have great, rocking sex, but she admits she hasn't let her freak out yet."
Well, work with her, respect her, love her, and don't discuss those files unless you have professional help as she may be ashamed of them...better that you didn't know, but the cat is out of the bag. If you sex activity drops off, and it is a problem, then get professional couples counseling.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 "Why is it women will turn their freak on with one guy they don't really love, then not turn it on with another who they DO love?"
It's partly the trust thing, partly a conscious desire not to appear freaky, as has been covered so far (and quite well, at that).
There's also the factor that, logically, the raw, animal attraction for you must be lower if she wanted to wait longer before sex. Sure, you satisfy her the most emotionally, and you appear to satisfy here physically, but I'm not talking about satisfaction (post-sex). I'm talking about the time leading up to sex (anticipation).
Foreplay starts when you wake up in the morning. Anticipation is everything. A girl who plans to go out that night and "see what happens" is basically doing solo foreplay, then the guy shows up and triggers all the animal instincts, and she gets freaky for the same reason she sees him for sex - he's turning her on instantly, rather than with a slow burn.
"How do I deal with this? "
Emotionally? Try your hardest to get past it. Though that's much easier once you get her freak on.
Be ready to work for it. Flirt first thing in the morning. When you come up with some nice plan for her (dancing, partying, whatever), remind her of it throughout the day two or three times - maybe text her or leave a note. Tell her to go pick out a nice outfit, but that you can't see it until that night, so it had better be a nice surprise. Basically anything you can come up with that will build anticipation for a fun night. No dinner, though. Dinner kills sexual energy.
Party, drink, and don't do anything related to comfort or affection. It's a night of pure, instinctual lust. Then get freaky yourself, and have her go along with it.
Once you've gotten her to get freaky at least once, it's easier to do it a second time.
At least, that worked when I was in your situation. Hopefully my case wasn't an anomaly. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Ditto the trust post. You can be wild if you are not in it for the long term--they guy won't be around to judge or bring it up over breakfast two weeks from now. If you are in a relationship, you can get a little crazy, but it happens gradually. You try something, you see how the relationship handles it. If the trust is built in layers over time, eventually the intimacy will be there and she'll be whispering all sorts of crazy requests in your ear. I guess the consolation prize for you is that she is looking at this long term, and if you wait, good things will happen.
The downside could be that she just felt a different kind of attraction for this other guy (just got out of jail gorilla sex) and with you it's more "husband material." Not sure what you can do about that--figure out how to power up the mojo? Maybe it's personality related, maybe he was more "commanding", who knows? I don't think you can compare two relationships involving different people and expect the sexual relations to be the same. Each individual brings something different to the, ahem, table.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Everyone else has given good answers, and I don't want to re-say anything they've said, but I do want to mention this. I am attracted to this person who I find extremely attractive (his personality AND his physical appearance), but because my attraction to him is more on a serious level based on his personality, I'm not thinking about even just kissing him when I'm around him. Not that the thought is bad to me (actually I find the thought quite appealing :P), but usually I'm more focused on what he's saying and doing that it kind of... consumes all other thoughts. If it was just lust, I would not have such a hard time thinking about it. lol. I'm not saying this is exactly what your girlfriend feels like but I am saying that it's very true that some girls are like this. You should be glad that she's like this with you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Jmtmj and CaringGuy gave good answers too, I was just writing mine when they posted. Didn't want them to think I was overlooking them!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 November 2010):
Quiet-echo and chigirl have given great answers. I wonder why all women get tarred with the same brush: "Why is it women will turn their freak on with one guy they don't really love, then not turn it on with another who they DO love?" It's pretty specific to the girl, isn't it? The girl you are dating, I mean. Or have you slept with loads of girls who got all "freaky" with you when it was a one-night stand but have only had boring mundane ho-hum sex with the girlfriend?
If the 'freaky' is anal sex, I'm afraid you may not ever get it. Lots of women try it but not all those women like it. It's not for everyone, I mean the anus is designed to expel feces, not dilate for a penis.
This statement concerns me: "They did stuff in their first month of hooking up that I had to fight for for months to get." You had to fight and badger and nag and beg and plead? Whoa, what the hell are you asking for? Maybe she was drinking a whole lot then, maybe her sense of restraint wasn't as finely developed yet. Maybe you are asking for something that she tried, found distasteful and awful and now she wants nothing to do with it.
Maybe this isn't the girl for you. Maybe you need to go find someone who you will be more sexually compatible with. If you have to have fights to get what you want in bed, hm, well, it doesn't sound good. She must be very tired of feeling hounded.
Just remember, when that new girl gets her freak out the first time you go to bed with her, it's really poor form to worry and wonder how it is she got so freaky in the first place. The more I think about it, the more I think you need to go be that 'stud' to a new girl. Go find that one who will do the stuff you seem to be missing so desperately in bed.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 There's a fair few theories out there, an interesting one is that men fall into two categories, either "lover" or "provider". It's based on evolutionary biology and while interesting, its all speculative evidence and a bit wishy-washy... so ya kinda gotta remember to take it with a pinch of salt. Apparently dominance is more likely to land you in the "lover" ie, crazy monkey sex category...
Tis fascinating stuff tho, I recommend googling it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 November 2010):
Because she truly loves you. She didn't really love the other guys. And she wants you to see her for who she really is, and not a piece of meat which is how the other men treated her. Basically, you're the guy who treats her like she wants to be treated, and that means she will always find it hard to let go because the last thing she wants is for you to see her as those other guys did. That's not a bad thing, but it does mean that unless you can overcome this frustration, you'll start to hurt her and you'll both just wind up resenting each other. Take her as she is, the reformed bad girl, and accept that you are the only guy she truly loves.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 This doesn't go for all women, to clarify that. SOME women work like this. Tons of women are "freaky" with all their guys, or never go all the way out with anyone at all.
The case with your woman however I suspect is quite simple and not a big mystery. It is easy to be a freak with a no-commitments guy, just like it is easier to be open and upfront with people online who you will never meet again. Just like you party wild when on vacation with people you might never see again, and keep a low profile when celebrating an occasion with colleagues at work.
She probably cares more for you, and wants a serious relationship, NOT a relationship based on sex, and so she takes things slow. She needs to not rush into things out of fear that it will jeopardize the relationship, be too much too fast, change the relationship and the way you view her etc. It can be many reasons but these are just some examples. She probably wants you to think of her as marriage material, not a whore to have crazy sex with.
However, she will go full out with you when she is comfortable enough. You shouldn't BEG for things, but have a healthy development in the relationship. To let yourself go completely a woman needs to trust in her man, and such a trust takes time to build up. After all she expects to wake up next to you the following day, so trust needs to be there. With a no-strings attached guy she never had to worry about him being there the next morning, so the trust wasn't necessary.
Or she probably learned from that past relationship where she rushed in with her "wild" side too fast, that those relationships don't end well. They did break up after all.
Her wild side is there, just take your time with her and encourage her to be herself with you (this does not mean begging).
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): In my opinion women act "widly" with guys they're not serious with because they don't have to worry about being judged or seen as "easy" etc... When we really like a guy and want a real relationship we'll be more cautious and "lady like" because we want to make a good impression and not come across the wrong way.
If you were having a one night stand for example, you could do what you liked because you were only there to get laid and couldn't care less what the guy thought about you.
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