A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I would like to know who should pay in the following situations:1. My BF's friend, whom I am not friends with, invites us to a lavish wedding. BF and other friends attending the wedding agreed to pay $100 USD per person. Should I pay my $100 or my BF pays?2. My BF brings me to his family dinner at a fancy restaurant. Total at the end of the night is $80 per person. We went to two of these family dinners at around $80 per person during the same week.Thanks in advance for your input!
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (6 August 2015):
you have got some great answers here. In short, your boyfriend is totally out of order. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2015):
 If you were/are the +1 on the wedding invitation, your BF should be paying for you.
However, I have NEVER heard that people PAY to attend a wedding (unless they in the wedding party and are paying for the specific attire required for the bridesmaids/groomsmen).
I guess that is HOW they can afford a "lavish" wedding.. I find it tacky and in poor taste to EXPECT guests to pay ANY amount to come celebrate a wedding.
As for wedding gifts I would contribute to the gift (if I was going with a BF) but since they are HIS friends I would probably let him pay the majority of the present. Depending on how crazy an amount he is spending.
I have been to a couple of wedding where the bride and groom didn't want presents (they were already living together and had most of the common things people get) they asked for money so they could take a honeymoon. (her parents paid for most of the wedding, venue, dress btw) and I found that tacky too, but.. we complied.
Again you are invited to a FAMILY dinner... I would presume as a guest you should NOT have to pay. OR you should have been told ahead of time that you would pay for your own meal. $80 a head is VERY fine dining. I hope you had some very nice food.
When we were last in my husband's home town my husband invited his whole family and a few "extended" family members to a dinner and HE paid the entire bill. We stayed at a BIL/SIL's house and went shopping the second day - hubby paid at the checkout - as my BIL/SIL all of a sudden had 5 extra mouth to fill. I know in both cases EVERYONE wanted to pitch in, but my husband felt when you invite people out to eat, you pay.
Like you mention, when you do things with YOUR side of the family YOU pay for him - so he should DO the same for you. IMHO
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 what in the world costs so much? This lavish lifestyle is hard to relate to much less try to figure out who pays for what.My advice would be to announce that such spending is alien to your reference points and perhaps a more frugal set of friends might be a better choice.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 August 2015):
 He's an expensive boyfriend.
For the wedding he asked you to attend - as his guest - who he was permitted to bring as per the invitation to him, no doubt.
You perhaps do not know the bride well and are not friends with the groom. Thus expecting you to pay was outrageous.
Most people expect to give a present for the Bridal couple but in my circle the bride's parents and or the parents of both couples and sometimes the bride and groom too -(and only the bride and groom if a second marriage) - pay entirely for the cost of the food and drinks at the reception.
If it is a wedding for an Italian couple then I know that I will factor in how lavish the bridal reception will be when I make a decision on the present given, and in consultation with the Bride, as far as what she would prefer to receive I know I tend to give a more extravagant present as the reception is usually very generous towards the guests and the Bride's parents pay for it.
My husband and I am expecting a wedding invitation soon to a wedding where the couple are from India and I have been warned in advance how lavish it is likely to be. I am looking forward to it, but I know that I will be a guest and will not be asked to pay for the wedding reception. The present we will give will be chosen after consultation with the bride's family.
I have been asked to bring a plate of food to a wedding for a couple celebrating a second marriage where the bride was not good at cooking. That did not bother me at all. I was very happy to bring along a large dish of Lasagne and a big bowl of salad. I would have brought more, but that is what they especially asked me to bring.
As far as a wedding at a public venue (restaurant or similar) I have never been asked to pay for the food and drinks at such a wedding.
I would, if asked, especially if the couple were in very straightened circumstances.
In those situations where I know the couple are struggling I also try to give a very useful present that the couple may not yet be able to afford, after consultation with the bride.
Many people would be embarrassed to ask for a contribution from guests at a public venue like a restaurant, and if in straightened circumstances would choose to have a less expensive wedding - where they could afford to pay for the reception themselves.
When I saw a girl pleading on line for people to send her money to pay for her proposed lavish honeymoon, wedding dress and reception my first thought was, "why did she not choose to have a more simple wedding?" than the over the top expensive one she had set her heart on.
So not only is your boyfriend asking too much of you, but I think he mixes with a group of friends who all seem to think they should pay for any event as a team. Three Musketeers mentality is fine if they are all in agreement, but to then draw in their wives and girl friends to fund it as well is a bit much.
Bet they would chicken out if you and 11 girl friends asked them all to attend a girly weekend at a spa and asked them all to contribute an equal cost for the body scrubs, pedicures, manicures, deluxe work on your faces, yoga, aromatherapy - whether they took part in all that therapy or not.
As to the other expensive dinner? You should have been given the option to go or not go if he was expecting you to pay $80 which I think is a large amount to pay. I don't think I have ever spent that much on any one meal, per head.
The cost would have been a big imposition on any one who did not drink alcohol or drank very little alcohol, as clearly with a cost like that the venue was perhaps charging top dollar for the food and there was copious drinking of alcohol so that the rest were subsidizing the heavier drinkers.
Next time you go on a date with him and he suggests you to go to a particular venue then check it out online first and if the costs are too high then you could perhaps suggest an inexpensive venue and go dutch there.
Where is chivalry?
Let us know if he is as generous when it comes to your Birthday or St. Valentine's day or Christmas.
If he is stingy then - that will tell you that he is selfish and it's all about his (and his guy friends) pleasure at any cost.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): I am the OP here -
I don't have a problem going dutch. I'm not concerned financially as much as common etiquette. Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are.
As for me personally, if I were to invite my boyfriend to my friend's wedding, I will prepare the gift money or actual gift and have both of us sign the card. Same goes for family events, if we rent a cabin somewhere during the Summer to enjoy a mini family vacation, and the cost for the rental property is split amongst family members, I will pay for him. Same goes for family dinners etc.
I was concerned because it seemed like quite a bit of money in such a short time - $100 x2, $80 x 4. He never asked me to contribute but I was thinking I should ask him if I can. But then not sure if that would offend him. I ended up purchasing something he needed and gave it to him as a gift.
Thanks for your insight!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): I usually always go dutch, but it sounds as though your bf isn't being upfront with you about the cost of these events he is taking you to. In the case of the first one, he should have told you it was $100pp. I'd be tempted to say you were his plus 1 on that occasion and that he should pay, but its an awkward one.I'd say for the second one its also tricky - did he tell you where you were going and what it was going to cost? Did everyone have equal amounts of food/drink? If you had an idea of what it was going to cost, I'd say that it's up to you to pay your way for those ones. However 2 $80 meals in one week is a lot to ask of you, so you should probably explain to him that you're not made of money.In future, ask your bf what the payment arrangements are and the predicted costs before getting involved in potentially expensive events. I obviously don't know your financial situation, but if you are uncomfortable about spending money on these things then you'll need to have a chat with him about it. Good luck :)
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