A
male
age
36-40,
*rmks909
writes:I have been reading through posts about affairs and cheating, and there is constant theme that I keep encountering that boggles my mind. I am hoping readers out there could help answer this for me....In most of the posts, where a woman is having an affair with a married man, he says at least of few of the following:1) I love you more than I love her2) I want to leave her but I can't3) I will leave her, just as soon as...4) I hate my wife, you are so much better5) My wife and I don't have sex6) I will be divorcing her soonetc, etc, etc..... This standard tell her whatever she wants to hear to keep the affair going....I am reading these and going, what the *#% and is going on, it is in almost every single post. I am not saying that these married men aren't unhappy in their relationships, but it is relatively obvious to me that they are after only one thing... I would assume that most married men would not be looking to leave their "horrible" relationships just to jump into another long term relationship.What boggles my mind is: we men know what we are doing when we do this to you but swear up and down that we wont, and women seem to know pre-affair that 90% (or higher) of the time that is exactly what we will do.Simply put: why do women believe men, who are lying to their wives (you know that woman they said they would be honest and faithful to for all eternity), would be truthful to the woman they are having an affair with?I am just so confused by how many women (and men) post things stating how "shocking" it is when the affair abruptly ends despite repeated promises that from my eyes can be seen as a confirmed pattern (as in most males in affairs seem to do the exact same thing).Please understand that I am not attempting to attack anyone here, I am an inquisitive person by nature and just don't get it at all.... Thanks for your input.
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affair, I love you, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Because my darling, never a truer word is spoken when it's said that "LOVE IS BLIND"x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Because we are stupid ! Because we are insecure and because we think we don't deserve anything better than the crumbs off the plate. Thats the bottom line. And thank you you just reminded me why I stayed with a married man for 3 years who told me all the the above including I have cancer (twice!) I love my children I am only staying because of them who told me every single time he met me how much he loved me.
Only to be told when we finally broke up and I asked him why he felt the need to tell me he loved me for 3 1/2 years and his reply was I DON'T KNOW.
Pretty pathetic really.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): I've been with a cheating partner. He wasn't married but I think the reasons apply to your question. I stayed because I was young and insecure. I would never even bring up the topic of infidelity because I was too afraid of confrontation. I thought that if I loved him without question, he would come to realize that I was the one for him. Only he strung me along for 5 years and then tried to convince me that we were only ever good friends and should continue to be. I had an epiphany. Woke up. He was an addiction and I went cold turkey. It's a painful process, a painful withdrawal. A lot of these women probably think about leaving every day, but can't break the habit. On a subconcious level they see the lies, but their lucid (or irrational) mind won't let them see it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Okay ladies, lets be honest. We use men also. Not all women are looking for marriage, and some just want the excitement of a temporary relationship. My last boyfriend who was 20 years younger than me actually told me I just wanted him for sex. Some truth in that. There is and never has been the stereotypes for men or women in sex and relationships. We all get bored and seek something different occasionally. A little off the subject from married men, but just wanted to make the point that women manipulate just as much as men to get what they want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Love is sometimes called a madness. When we are in love we have chemical reactions inside the brain that interfere with logic, normal thought patterns and send emotions upside down....
Why do women believe the bullshit that married men give out? I think Stendhal a French writer explains it best...
"I call "crystallization" that action of the mind that discovers fresh perfections in its beloved at every turn of events." .... De L'Amour (On Love)
Basically every piece of bullshit that a married man gives out, his excuses about why he can't leave, him braking his promises, is turned into a proof of love by the woman's love addicted brain. "He can't leave his wife, and therefore he suffers and I suffer, and this proves we are in love." A Romeo and Juliet, who can never be together and therefore must be in deeply in love. The difficulty of building a proper relationship, sacrifice, is taken for true emotions. If these people were to get together, they would quickly get bored and irritated with one another.
I don't believe these people have much choice once they are involved. Therefore the emphasis should be on, never get involved with people who are married or in a relationship. Because once you are in, it is very, very hard to get out. Logic is not driving anything, but emotions and obsessional love are....
PS: In a few cases men leave their wives and live happily ever after with the woman they have cheated with...
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A
female
reader, girlscout +, writes (31 August 2008):
Because women fall in love. When they do.. well you know what they say " Love is blind". I was in such a relationship. I was married then, so was he. We met at work. We flirted, dated and when my husband found out about the affair, this man swore heaven and earth he's leave his wife for me. 4 weeks later he called me up and told me that after counselling session he wanted to salvage his marriage. I couldn't understand how he could change his mind so quickly. He even proposed to me when we were dating. I was smittened. I was willing to sacrifice everything for this man. He just broke my heart. I know now he never intended on leaving his wife. She's a lawyer and she keep him happy by supporting him. He will never leave her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): There is much more going on than meets the eye. People are desparate for a "feeling". Even intelligent, "ethical" people can have an achilles heel. It is amazing to me how judemental some of the people on this blog are just because they haven't experienced some of these things or were "strong". Well that's great but you have to know more about the individual psychological make up of the individuals involved before you have the right to judge their behavior. I, for one am not going to throw the first stone. Many people are actually totured by some of the decisions they have made and yet seem compelled to repeat them. Recriminations are not productive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): The married man who wants to sleep with me hasn't said any of those things. No doubt it lets him feel he is being honest and up-front about what to expect from him. Whether or not the standard lies are told, it's all about manipulating a woman's emotions to the point where she feels so attached and attracted she doesn't care if he's for real or not. Women are vulnerable emotionally. Many of us struggle with identity and acceptance issues from way back. If married, we may feel unappreciated and wish for more attention from our husbands. If single, the attention to detail, the carefully laid out plan of seduction that these married men are so good at feels like a completely different experience than the usual inept, albeit forthright, efforts of single men their own age. Anytime in life, hearing the message "you are special" expressed so intensely can have a blinding effect, even if only temporarily.Of course it's true these men are only looking for a little excitement. But they are capable of convincing women and even themselves that they are in love with you and thinking of you constantly, and it's appealing, even if you know better.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (30 May 2008):
 I ask that question myself. I just think it is human nature to go after the challange, the rush, the "rollercoaster" instead of the boring old "marry-go-round". People get so bored with themselves that they do stupid things, like get involved with a married persons, or get married and have affairs. Silly, because deep inside, they know, like you said, the outcome. We are all addictive personalities. Some get bored with life and take drugs. Some develop criminal behaviors. These people cheat, or make others cheat. They dont get suprised when it dosnt turn out, they get depressed that it's over, like when a heroin addict realizes he just ran out of heroin and money. Now what? Back to the same boring life! People need to turn off their TV's get outside, enjoy this planet while we have still have it and do positive things for their ego's instead of giving in to negative temptations. Thats not a fact, just my opinion;)
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female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (30 May 2008):
because every girl wants to be loved.
because they want to convince themselves that they arent doing anything wrong and by making it "true love" or somebody elses fault they are making it okay.
because some people are just stupid
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): you know that woman they said they would be honest and faithful to for all eternity), would be truthful to the woman they are having an affair with?......................................You hit the nail on the head there. Why do these women (I say women as most of them are women!) think that these men will be faithful to them IF they did leave their wifes? having an affair shows what type of person they are, that would personally turn me off as I'm not so deluded to think I'm that special person who can chnage someone for the better! It's up to them if they want to believe the lies, it just shows weakness in my books.
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