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female
age
41-50,
*123
writes:Why do we love people who are wrong for us more than the people who are right for us - majority of the time? Is it cos we have less chance to have the person who is wrong for us than the person who is right for us?? are the good ones almost 'too available' that their good actions become cancelled out just because of their availability?? Is it a maternal instinct coming to the fore?? where we were always taught as children that we should care and look after our loved ones - therefore we love the wrong ones cos we want to help them and educate them cos we only see the good in them etc.Technology has made us so available, nearly too accessible with the mobile phone, IM, email etc - and in order for us to become less available we end up having to switch everything off but then again there is always the post! so I would love to know what people's opinions on this are...thanks B! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I don't think we fall for the wrong people. I think we fall for the right person at that time. If you look back at all your relationships, they will be a reflection of who you were or what you were seeking at that time. So they are the right guys for that time-being and not forever. And how do you know what is rigth for you if you don't know what wrong is. The right one can only exsisit if there was a wrong one. And some people live more balanced lives than others and are able to find the right ones before others. Through all my wrongs, i truly feel like I am getting closer to the right ones. My selection of boyfriends has dramatically improved, because I continue to work on myself and my imperfections (on the inside). We fall for the wrong ones because there are still things that you need to discover and uncover in your soul and about yourself. You will meet the right person(s) when you are true to yourself. about who you are, about what you really want and what you really need.
We think we NEED things that we really don't. These are illusions and our ego hard at work. If we become more spiritual and try to seek our true selves, the right ones will cross your path and you will be amazed.
I am still in the process and have not met the right one, but I don't think the others in my past were wrong anymore. I can actually say this now, that for years I was seeking something outside of me and all the while it was inside of me and as soon as I tapped into that energy, better people started to come into my life. The more people I meet, the more I realize my idea for a good match for my self was tottally off. I was seeking the IDEAL but not an ideal for me.
So going back to your original question. We don't fall for the wrog people, we just sometimes lack the patience to wait for the right ones. And maybe some wrong ones may have been right for that moment. So just wait and follow your bliss. Don't second guess yourself, do what makes you happy and not what you think will make you happy. It took me a long time to understand the difference.
Someone who cannot be there for me is not making me happy, but we still think that being with that person will make us happy.
When you are tottally happy, you don't have to ask yourself that question and falling for the wrong people teaches us life lessons that we need to learn about ourselves to let it go and start over.
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female
reader, Joey5000  +, writes (12 February 2009):
Thank you a lot to all the aunties and uncles. This is what I needed to hear. I am not Jesus Christ, I can't save anybody who doesn't want help and I can't change anybody unless if they want to.
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reader, B123 +, writes (11 February 2009):
B123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Excellent answers - thank you to all the responses!! v v interesting...B..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): I think the choices that we make in mates is a direct reflection of what's going on inside of ourselves.For example... a woman who continually chooses guys who needs "help" is looking to fill a void within her. I know that was the case with me when I did it. I needed to feel needed, and who needs me more than a guy down on his luck. The problem (and the reality) of course is that while that guy does need help, he also really trying to help himself. So, we give and give and give and he takes and takes and takes and it all becomes very destructive. Its not until that woman realizes that issues within her that have to dealt with (needing to be needed) that she can finally make more healthy choices in a man.Or a woman who chooses "emotionally unavailable" men may do so because she in fact is not ready to fully give of herself. So, inasmuch as she may complain how distant he is, the fact is she refuses to give herself to the perfectly nice guy right near her who could shower her with the love and attention she claims she wants, but in truth she doesn't, otherwise why keep picking men who won't give it? Perhas its because she knows if she chooses a man who gives that much of himself to her that she would then have to truly make herself vulnerable to him?Anyway, that's my theory.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): I'm not the original poster of this question, but I want to say that reading all these answers here has helped me with my own situation. Kudos to the thoughtfulness, or maybe the experience, you all have on this subject. A few months back my BF disappeared on me, no explanation, and it broke my heart. But I wasn't sure WHY it broke my heart because I knew he wasn't right for me. In doing some soul searching I realized my attraction to him wasn't really love. He NEEDED me. He's a sweet guy but has low self-esteem, is emotionally unavailable, reclusive and uncommunicative, giving of his time but nothing else. I thought my love could bring him out of his self-imposed loneliness, I could make him feel good about himself, make him feel the joy in life that he's missing. But instead of me helping him, he brought me down. Even realizing all of this, 4 months later I'm still sad and missing him. I know I need help as much as he does. The answers here really struck home with me, especially the one from Too Sensitive. When we fall for the "wrong" person, I think we're mistaking our feelings for love, when in reality we're drawn to him/her because something about that person fulfills an unhealthy need in us.
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reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (10 February 2009):
In my opinion, modern technology may make people more "available" on the surface, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are "emotionally available"...there's a difference.
Just b/c someone gives freely of their time and attention to us, doesn't mean they are emotionally available. You have to look at the quality and depth of your interactions with them. Of course you have to build up to this, but if someone is not sharing any of their innermost thoughts, feelings, desires, failures, goals, and dreams with you as you get to know one another and start to walk down the road of getting serious, then you have to question their emotional availability. If they are consistently guarded, never seem to react to anything, never display much happiness nor anger, but rather remain on an even keel, leaving you with wondering just who this person is on the inside - if you are always feeling as though you are trying to figure them out and just can't - then you have to question their emotional availability.
It is not uncommon for someone who is emotionally unavailable for them to easily share their feelings about you. In the beginning, anyway. However, many of them find it difficut to open up about everything else. So, though you enjoy your time with them and they initially make you feel good about yourself, even sharing little tidbits about themselves to keep things going, at some point (often when it might be too late, when it might be past the point of no return), you start to question just who this person really is. You discover that you don't really know them after all, even though you thought you did. But for some reason, you feel as though you are still in love with them, or feel as though you still love them, very much so. Perhaps it is b/c there is now a shared history between you. You have already built memories together and formed at least some sort of emotional bond, despite the fact that it may not be as deep as it should be.
As far as someone being too available with their time and attention to us, most of the time they are trying to overcompensate for flaws they are desperately trying to hide. They often have self-esteem issues. One may find that endearing on some level, and make it our job to help that person feel better about themselves, but it can and does manifest itself in very negative ways within the relationship (as depression, control, possession, jealousy, manipulation, abuse, etc. - it runs the gamut). Or, it could simply be that they are madly in love with us, which can be very flattering, esp. if we think we are madly in love with them back. It does happen, but it is the rare occasion when we meet someone, rush into things, and discover that yes, this is really the person we are meant to be with. When we have this feeling, we always think we "know" - we just "know" they are the one. Think back to the times when this may already have happened, and think about it if it didn't work out. That should tell you right there how necessary it is to take your time and not rush into anything, no matter how strong the urge, no matter how strong the emotions. Err on the side of being human, and if it is really right, you will know for certain as time goes by. How much time? I think it takes several years myself. Not a few years, not a few months. Look at how many people on this site alone have only been with their partner for a year or two (myself included) and are now seeing behaviors which they are not happy about. At least if they haven't already rushed into marriage or living arrangements (I am guilty of the latter), they have more options available to them. They are in a better position to decide whether or not they accept their partner's behavior. They can decide whether or not the behavior is a serious red flag. They can choose to try to work on the behavior with their partner. If the issue cannot be resolved, or their partner is unwilling to try to resolve it, and they choose not to accept this, it is much easier to leave the relationship if your affairs and your finances are not so entangled.
There are also a lucky few who have managed to find their soulmate, that person who is right for them, and they are right for that person. They either knew from the start, or they knew later on in the relationship. Either way, if they are making things work, then they are probably both relatively healthy individuals who trust each other and communicate with each other on a regular basis. They know what they have, they do nothing to jeopardize what they have, and they treasure and truly cherish one another. They accept each other's faults and imperfections, but those faults and imperfections are not so huge that they negatively impact the relationship.
I think some of the worst people for us are very good at snaring us in the beginning. They are adept at good behavior in a relationship. They are very good at hiding who they really are. We fall in love with them before we know what's happening. I don't know when we are supposed to stay in an effort to help them, and I don't know when we are supposed to leave for our own survival. I suppose that is on an individual basis, and only we can ultimately make that decision. Currently, I am embroiled in that very situation myself, as I speak (vascillating between staying and trying to help him, or leaving for my own sanity).
I think it is a fine line between the level of love we have for this person and the level of self-worth and self-confidence we have for ourselves. I think the stronger our personality and the stronger we feel about ourselves, the more apt we are to walk away. Of course, there are instances when we feel the strength of our love outweighs love for ourselves, but we have to question where that stems from. Is the love really stronger, or is it just that we are weaker?
Then, there are character flaws, personality disorders, and/or mental illnesses of all sorts that can come into play, on either end of the equation (one partner, the other partner, or both partners can suffer any of these, which would further factor in). None of us is perfect - we all have our internal struggles to one degree or another - some of us moreso, some of us less so. I guess we have to analyze how much the flaws impact us and our relationship with this other person, and just how great our tolerance factor is. We have to decide if the flaw is serious enough to warrant resolution, and how easy or difficult it may be to resolve. If our partner does not see or understand the problem, or is unwilling to admit the problem, then we have to decide whether or not we want to even stay in the relationship. We cannot move forward at that point thinking we are going to magically change them.
Maybe our subconscious knows on some level when we first meet these people who are wrong for us, that they are wrong for us, which makes it that much more exciting and challenging, hence creating passion. I have felt the most passion toward the very men who were most wrong for me in an emotional sense. I've discovered that I don't after all need to feel this passion in order to feel an attraction or even love for someone. In fact, feeling that passion now is an association with danger, and as thrilling as it might be, it causes me to throw up a red flag within myself.
There is always the camp of people who don't feel they deserve to be happy, so they ultimately settle for less than what they deserve. The feeling of love they have for this person who doesn't really make them happy (though they think this person does make them happy) keeps them in that comfortable place, keeps them in that self-fulfilling prophecy, that no, they don't really deserve to be happy, so they will fall for someone who doesn't really make them happy. Am I making sense here?
This is a complex question, with many variables to the answer! I don't think there is one answer that fits all.
I think ultimately we all should be taking our time, getting to know the other person, without jumping into anything too soon. As you get older, it is so easy to say, "well, at my age, and with my experience, I know what I want, and when I see what I want, I will go for it! No sense in waiting - life is rapidly moving forward, and at my age, I don't have time to wait!". That is all good and well, but sometimes we think we've found what we want, only to find out later it really isn't what we want. Someone that truly loves us will wait a few years for us if necessary. If they pressure us to rush into something, beware. There's more than likely more, much more, than meets the eye.
It can take several years, sometimes much longer, before we start to notice behaviors which make us uncomfortable or make us start to question the other person. All I can say is that no matter how strongly you feel about someone else, don't be blind, don't go into denial, don't sweep anything under the rug. If you cannot accept someone else's behaviors, or treatment of you, there is nothing wrong with that. You can choose to try to work on them with that person, but if they are not resolved to your satisfaction, don't sell yourself short. Don't be foolish and think that love can conquer all, b/c sometimes it can't.
If we have a pattern of failed relationships, then we have to examine those patterns, recognize them, and then try to break them. We have to start thinking outside the box. Perhaps we have to give someone a chance with us, that previously we would not have given a 2nd look to. Failure (or is that insanity?) is repeating the same behaviors and expecting different results.
I think too we must get ourselves to a place where we are happy with ourselves, where we can be happy being alone. We must rather be alone than be in a bad and unhealthy relationship. We must tell ourselves we may never find what we are seeking, but that's okay, we won't settle for anything less. Only then will we have a chance to find what we truly want.
We also must focus on the most important aspects of what we seek in another, and what we want in a relationship. We must learn to trust our instincts, we must learn to identify problems and work together to resolve them, and we must learn to differentiate misdemeanors from major issues. We must learn to keep the lines of communication open on both sides. We must realize that we cannot control anyone else's behavior, but we can control our own, and we can also control how we choose to react to others' behaviors.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): This has a lot to do with how your parents chose each other. My mom had 'lost puppy syndrome'. She went for the guys that needed 'help'. She wanted to save them from their life. Not a very good match because it was more mother/son than wife/husband. I did the same thing.Maybe you should take a break from dating and Really figure out who you are. This is important to attract the right guy. I also think (mostly for young people) opposites attract because-- your strengths make up for his weakenesses, and his strengths make up for your weakeness...to create a balanced, whole union. It's very mature when a couple APPRECIATES each others differences rather than try to CHANGE them into each other. **And I think it's boring to marry someone just like myself anyways.
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reader, Ed1337  +, writes (10 February 2009):
 I think modern technology is to blame for a lot of people breaking up, for example those people who play on second life and find their partner having a virtual romance with someone else. Also IM and text messaging made me feel a bit trapped with the last person I was with, because it was easy for her to be in constant contact with me, and if I didn't reply it made her feel a bit paranoid.
It takes a while before you properly get to know someone, you may think they are perfect at the start, then you find out about the hidden issues, or crazy ex boyfriends which keep begging for them to come back. I'm still searching for that special person and i'm learning a lot about myself on the way.
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reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 February 2009):
You don't ALWAYS fall for the wrong people, you have just been unlucky so far.
Or you have a complex where you want to help and "fix" someone.
In these modern times you can either mope about and complain about how technology makes it more open... or you can suck it up, stop acting like a teenager with too much eyeliner on and you can USE that technology and ease of availability to be more picky.
Find a guy who pushes your buttons but isn't a psychopath, and don't settle and mope about, if it's not going to work, harden up and move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): I think we do tend to fall for the ones that are a challenge or need our help. I am a victim of this. I have a lovely man interested in me, he would do anything for me, but I am in love with my ex boyfriend still, who gives me mixed signals. He has issues and has a barrier around him, he is afraid to let his guard down and I find it a challenge to try to encourage him to open up more. He actualy opened up more to me when he didnt really know me, when we were first dating. I find myself wanting to help him, I know how good life is and how much it is great to be loved and love openly, I care for him and love him and want him to enjoy life as much as me. He keeps himself to himself and doesnt like to socialise. This is why we split up, he said he couldnt make me happy in the long run because he doenst want to be social or go out and it wouldnt make me happy.So yes, I agree that women will fall for someone who needs to be helped, I certainly have!
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