A
female
age
41-50,
*cke6908
writes:Hi! I am a 23 year old female. I recently had an incident happen to me that I would absolutely love some advice about. First, I've never had a bf. No, I'm not some hideous monster. I'm actually quite cute, long blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, athletic built. Once my sister's bf had told me the reason why guys don't approach me is because I'm intimidating. I'm not mean, and I have actually become a lot more outgoing which has seemed to help. But my current incident has happened to me before. I seem to always get screwed over by guys. And these guys, aren't out of my league....meaning their looks are only average joe and are on the bigger side. All my friends wonder why I date these guys but they are the only ones that approach me. I have had a few really good looking guys kiss me and afterward they do kiss me they have all responded back with things like wow I can't believe I just make out with (my full name) which I think is weird! Anyway here is the incident that just recently happened to me. I went out one night and this "average joe" comes up to me and keeps hitting on me. I am nice but am giving off the vibe please don't talk to me. He was super drunk. So the night ends I go home. The next night I go out again and guess who I see, the guy from the night before. But this time instead of hitting on me he just sits there and is super shy. Finally he is sitting by me and everyone leaves him and me alone at the table. So I kind of tease him and ask if he remembers me from last night he says yes and is embarrassed. We try to have a conversation but it's awkward. Plus, the night before he came off as someone I would never date. I leave the bar and then get this text from him. He never asked for my number personally, he asked my sister, because he had known her and she gave it to him. Anyway, he keeps texting me for about two weeks asking to hang out with me but I kept blowing him off throwing out excuses left and right because his first impression didn't impress me. My excuse was always I have grad school/homework. So the Sunday after finals....he texts me asking me to hang out because he knew I didn't have school anymore. I blow him off a couple more times then realize maybe he really does maybe like me and I decide to give him a chance to hang out. So I go to his house and watch a movie. Everything was great, after we talked and he seemed completely different like someone I could see myself dating. So I leave and he sends me this sweet text saying how much fun he had and he liked hanging out, was glad I came and asked if we could hang out again. So, we do start hanging out more he takes me to the movies. And we had a lot in common. Our values were the same, we made each other laugh, we just got along. He seemed insecure at times about certain things. Like he always wore a hat, I asked why and he stated he didn't like his hair because it was curly and he couldn't do anything with it. I told him because I really did feel this way I think he looked cuter without a hat. So every time after that he never wore a hat. So, he always initiated hanging out. Then we start hanging out less and talking less. Plus the sweet texts when I'd leave his house or he'd leave mine stopped. :( But when we were together he was the most caring guy ever. We would talk about things one night and the next time we hung out he would ask questions for in depth about what we previously talked about. Like my mom and I had been in a really big fight and I was suppose to hang out with him but didn't because I was so upset about the fight. The next night we hung out and he tried to ask what happened and seemed like he wanted me to talk about it, like he was actually interested. He plays college baseball and all his teammates knew we were talking. My sister and I go to his house one night to hang out with him and his roommates and his roommates ask my sister how him and i met. She told them, they didn't live in the same state when we had met. And they both respond back with, he really likes your sister she's the only girl he talks about and the only girl that we've met or that even comes over. My sister tells me this and I'm on cloud nine. So a couple days later he asks me to go bowling with his friends but I'm tired and then the next night he calls me to come over but it was late so I didn't. Now here is what has me extremely depressed and devastated. My friend was in town for the weekend and wanted to meet him, so I texted him no response back. I call awhile later and nothing. So she calls awhile later and nothing. Later that night she calls again and a guy answers she asks for him and is told its the wrong number so I assume she dialed it wrong look and its the right number. She calls again and is told the same thing. So I call him from my number and a guy answers which sounds like his roommate (I'm not too fond of) and says I have the wrong number I try and argue I don't have the wrong number but he hangs up. I call back and a girl answers saying he's busy. I'm nice and hang up. But call back again and says she is his gf and to quit calling. I hang up. Then I get so mad and hurt I call back, she answers again and says I don't know why you keep calling him. I ask her you're really his gf she states yes and I tell her well if so he's been cheating on you for three months with me. She says you expect me to believe this and I just say believe what you want, I've been in your shoes before though. I'm so upset go to my best guy friends house in tears. And I don't cry that often. Anyway, some of the teammates are at the house I don't tell them exactly what happened but the gist and one says "that doesn't surprise me". I ask a close friend of his if he has a gf or seeing someone else, he said to his knowledge no but he wasn't too sure he'd find out for me and let me know. I haven't heard from him yet. I just need to know what happened?! He hasn't texted/called me and I haven't him either. The thing I'm so confused about his why would his roommates say that to my sister then a week later this?! Were they helping him "play" me? Why do these "average joe's" do this to me? This isn't the first time! I'm so confused and so upset ... I haven't eaten in two days. What do I do now? I know I deserve someone better then this but these are the only guys that ever approach me. Please give me your point of view. I need to hear someone else's opinion on what happened. Deep down I really don't think he has a gf neither do any of his teammates because they said he never talked about anyone but me. But I am thinking he is seeing someone else. If this was a joke they played on me it wasn't funny and really hurt. What is wrong that guys do this to me?!?! Thank you so much. And sorry its sooooooo extremely long, I just wanted to make sure I got all the info in. Thank you again and I look forward to hearing for opinion.
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female
reader, angelica111  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Hi mcke!Well that was a long explaination! My answer will be long too, because I really feel w/ you. You seem to be 'hooked' already. No problem w/ that, only, you've said it before a lot of times in your msge, he's IS NOT A GUY who's going to be nice to you. He is absolutely pervers and has a problem s/where w/ the female gender. LOTS of men have pblms in this area, (I won't go into detail why, now) but most often this is related closely to how they have assimilated the relationship w/ (or w/ out) their mother, or the woman that took care of them as a child... Anyway, it's not an excuse of his bad behavior towards you. And you are not their therapist.You are NOT the only woman to who this happens, alas, it's more than frequent, all over the world. To me, you seem such an honest nice person, and very beautiful to look at too. A guy who has a low self esteem or is smaller or uglier or poorer or...., will always try somehow to 'get you' first, evnetually to chuck you or cheat on you, or hurt you later on. This way they can at least feel powerful towards the female gender. (It's sick, and very complicated)I know its sounds very sure, but being 40 now, having aquainted men like this during my life, (I'm tall and I have the same body features as you describe, I'm friendly, not discriminating, I have a lot of compassion and need to be loved), I know what I'm talking about. These qualities are not for these kind of guys.These men are TO BE AVOIDED by any means.Your 1st impression was the right one. Always stick to your 'gut' feelings, please.If he starts hitting you from the start, (even if drunk)where can he finish?? At this point it's not important if or not he has another gf or not. He's playing about w/you, whatever the reason. (I understand though that you would like to know, but do you get me?)You also say that these kind of boys (because a real MAN is not like this), are the only ones that seem to look at you. That's not true. THESE know how to get YOUR attention because s/where (invisibly) they feel they can play around w/ you 'cause you will let them do it, (subconsiously). I understand you want to give them a 'chance', but are you thinking of giving yourself a real chance?? I think it great you haven't had a bf before, (you are very young) and I think you know what you're worth so you don't just go from one boy to another. You are consciensious, and I like this rare quality very much. Go out in the 'right' places, or more don't hang out in a bar, do an activity you love and get friendly w/ a guy YOU like. Tell your sister or anybody else NOT to give your phone Nr to anyboby, you can take care of that yourself.Well, that's it for now, I hope my advices will help you.Do let me know, hugs, yours angelica :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Hi,I'm writing this in the UK, assume you are in US. First of all if you and his room mate dont get on then maybe they his room mate has done this to cause trouble and split you up, and got a female friend in on it. Maybe he is jealous of not seeing as much of his friends now this guy is spending alot of his spare time with you??I'd do like the person below said, dont call and keep texting but see if you can get to see him in person, at a place where you would usually bump into him. He now might be worried why he hasnt heard off you and his room mate could have told him anything.If he IS avoiding you and being an idiot maybe if he was really shy at first and hasnt had many girlfriends it could all be moving too quickly for him, he is worried stuff might go wrong or he will be hurt so he choosing to back out now as a defensive measure. If you is ok with you when you next see him try making sure he knows he has lots of space and freedom. A guy going from no girls at all to totally spending all his time talking about you and thinking about you might have shocked himself!!!
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (25 July 2007):
 It could be possiable that he has a g/f but then again it could be possible that he had a girl say that she was his girlfriend because you keep blowing him off when ever he wanted to hangout and he is hurt about it and maybe think that you have a boyfriend. What you should do is go to his house or go to where ever you met him and see what is going on talk to him about it. Your not the only girl that guys do this to every girl gets hurt like this more then once. Just try finding him and talking to him, this maybe a little childish but it will work, have one of your guy friends call him and ask for him and then when he gets on the phone you get on the phone and talk to him, but dont call from your number just in case he has caller id just trap him that way you can talk to him, and if he does have a girlfriend and you dont want to be with him move on and take it slower with a guy and just be friends!
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