A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My 30th b-day is around the corner and I'm getting more and more frustrated at friends I've had throughout my life. While my circle of friends/acquaintances has changed over the past 15 years, I have always had the same problem: I keep getting told that I need a boyfriend. This happened in HS 1) a friend tried to set me up with a relative of hers and when I turned the guy down because I wanted to be single, she got REALLY angry at me. 2) Other friends would push and push and push for me to "just give him a chance, you never know." I did know. I had had a boyfriend before and when he dumped me, it was all I could do not to laugh with relief. Finally I had my life back and was no longer obligated to get physical with anyone! I could flirt, I could go on random dates, I could just be my giggly/goofy/silly/flirty self. Problem was, as soon as I started enjoying being single, people in my circle of friends would keep imploring me to ask someone out (RIGHT in front of them) or they'd point out how we flirted and how we HAD to go out. One friend even took it far enough to yell to the entire cafeteria/restaurant/mall/whatever "Mo and _______ are officially dating, stay away boys!" Or, when I was single, she'd yell, "Mo's on the market now!"This happened in college, too. Totally different group of friends, different hobbies and interests, different beliefs etc. I would meet some guy, do some heavy flirting (at parties) and be pretty heavy on the making-out-thing. Then, I'd find out that some "friend" had given him my number and where I lived and worked and then Guy would clamp down as hard as he could (to me) and flat-out refuse to let go. One guy was so upset to see that I smoked weed that he wanted to change my life around for me. So came the slew of man-boys who wanted to "fix" me. I won't get into details but saying, "Get ouf of my life" didn't work. I had one of those guys who was so angry about me breaking up (because I didn't WANT a boyfriend) that he paid people to complain about my customer service and made an anonymous call about me smelling like weed at work (I only smoked it on weekends and I certainly didn't do that at work). It was enough to get me fired and he texted me with "Heard you lost your job, Karma's a Bitch" During this part in my life, I didn't get to be single long before I realized I was suddenly in a relationship.After college I STILL run into the same problems. I no longer smoke weed or get drunk on purpose and I don't flirt quite as heavily. Maybe I'll put my hand on a guy's thigh or play with their hair or make out some, but when a man asks for my phone number, I'm always taken aback since I thought I was just talking and having fun. So I started telling people, "Hey, I'm really not looking, if I gave the impression that I was, that wasn't my intent" However, people in the work place would start saying, "You need a boyfriend" I once was talking about how hot an actor was and my boss said, "You REALLY need a boyfriend" I asked what he meant and he just chuckled and shock his head as if I were the stupidest person on the planet. I'd ask female co workers why I needed a boyfriend and they just say, "You just do!"I've always been MUCH happier single because I could focus on me and I could have fun dating around and flirting with no strings attached and no obligation to have sex. But somehow, I manage to end up with men who refuse to hear no and refuse to let go. And with friends or co workers telling me I need a boyfriend and refusing to explain themselves.So. How do I get on with my life the way I want to live it without accidentally hurting a nice guy (who got the wrong message somehow), or without ending up in a relationship where he refuses to let go (meaning I have to move apartments, I have to find different hang-outs, I have to change my cell) ... I'm sick of having to keep pulling up roots because of men who won't let go. And I'm frustrated that no one will explain why I "need" a boyfriend so badly. What possesses people to meddle in my business when I make it clear that I don't want that?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): I am in that situation now everybody want to put me in a relationship but I say I am not ready I prefer to be single and have a peace of mind then to be in a relationship by myself .So do you its nothing wrong with being by yourself.
A
male
reader, jc2008  +, writes (7 November 2013):
If I was you, I would tell your friends to back off your love life and stop caring what other people think. Your happy having your own life without tieing yourself down. Enjoy it and don't give time to anyone who lectures you in the you must get married, have 2.4 children stuff..
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A
female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 Just to add I don't think your behaviour screams desperate. Just because it does not comply with what others deem as normal, it is their problem not yours.
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A
female
reader, Bazinga +, writes (7 November 2013):
Hi OP,I just turned 30 and single for hmm around 5 years, not had sex in 5 years too. I don't like to sleep around or interested in one night stands.I understand where you are coming from, my friends and members of my family are getting engaged/married/having children and do not get why I like to remain single. I don't think there is anything wrong with you because you don't fit into what is considered the "norm" if you are happy being single and have a fulfilling life then who cares what anyone else says?.It can get awkward with some friends, one friend got engagement last year and since I only meet her outside for dinner/lunch and not been to the home she shares with her partner since. A mutual friend of ours said its because I am single and I did find it hurtful. My mother tried to set me up with her co - workers son and got mad because I refused to go on the blind date with him.My cousins are always asking me why don't I have a boyfriend yet and I have been asked if I am a closet lesbian!! (not btw).I am happy being single, if I meet someone I connect with and settle down fair enough, if not well I'm not too fused. I don't mind my own company or want to be defined by what my relationship status is.Just if you are happy, explain it to them, that it hurts you if they know you are hurt they may be more sensitive.
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A
female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (7 November 2013):
I can relate, I got this a lot from co workers when I was single too. You might have to answer more bluntly to people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): OP here:"If you're not interested in them why do you behave that way?"In HS, I HATED messing around and making out (I thought it was gross!), and that was my real reason for not wanting a boyfriend. I didn't realize at the time that I was flirting: I thought I was just having a conversation and I liked people I thought were funny. Every relationship in HS got more and more physical and I grew increasingly frustrated because I just wanted to date around and have fun.As I got older, I guess I forgot how to flirt and just took it too far. Recently, I'm not physically touching men I don't know (or just sort of know) unless I'm socking them in the bicep after he says something stupid (not in a mean way). I guess the bottom line is, I'm still not interested in sex and that's the main reason I hate having a boyfriend. I hate feeling obligated to do that. I'm not gay, but I half wonder if I'm asexual or something. But just because I don't want to have sex, I just enjoy having a good time and I guess I'll have to figure out a safe way to flirt without going overboardThanks to all of you for pointing out what the issue is and I guess you're right that some people just won't leave things alone. I didn't raelize that my behavior screamed "desperate" Yikes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): You might not want a boyfriend but you're really acting like you do! Kissing guys, flirting with them, touching them - all of these are signs to him that you are interested in either sex or a relationship. You can't blame the guys or people you know for making that assumption. If you're not interested in them why do you behave that way? It might be harmless in your eyes but to them it will be really confusing. The ones that don't leave you alone probably think of you as a challenge. Someone who acts interested but says they are not is usually doing it because they want the man to work harder to 'win' them. Men know this and will keep trying. I really don't think you mean to, but you're giving out mixed signals. Similarly when you comment on being attracted to people. They will assume that you are interested in other men too and will want to pair you up. You'll never get rid of well meaning people who want to hook you up with someone - that's just how life is. But you can help by making sure your actions match your words and you don't encourage anyone to show you attention unless you want it to go further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): You need a boyfriend.......ha ha only joking:)Nah its people they don't like when everyone doesn't fall in to a box, when someone wants something different.People dont trust different. your female friends might see you as a threat, single and happy don't want to leave their boyfriends around you, if you got a boyfriend they could double date with you, you cud complain about your boyfriends together ect. I guess as they see it they want you to get in game, join club .relationships are what life is all about for most people, children, family of your own the ultimate goal, the finish line. At least in a couple of years people will see you as been too old and give up annoying you about it, so at least you have that to look forward to....
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