A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok guys why do ppl think it is cheap and the girl lacks self respect if they have sex on the first night? I mean after going out on a date and lots of talking?What is the difference between waiting for the second date as some ppl think it is more appropriate? It is not a real long time difference?If girls are so cheap and lack respect why do so many couples go home together the first night and keep going home the next night and next after that etc.Don't tell me they are not shagging?Now out of the ppl who answer yes to the girl is cheap who are virgins or only believe in sex in marriage.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (18 May 2008):
 Here's a contradiction in terms for you....
We had sex on the first date. I figured we had a nice evening, got on. The silences were relaxed and not awkward too.
Having had 3 one night stands before we met, I didn't see the point in pretending to be good.
He said "Is that what you want yea?" So in a strange way, I took him by surprise because he was testing the water, not thinking we would go that far. I felt like I got the respect too.
We actually got married, and still are, so stranger things do happen.
It's just that I did the hold off for ages, and I was hurt when we split. So it's not if you have sex with somebody that you get hurt, it's the emotional involvement.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 April 2008):
 As long as they are 2 consenting adults, i wouldn't say its cheap. Each to their own. I think people need to be aware that if they have only just met someone and dont wait a while to get to know what the person is looking for, if its going to go the distance, before jumping into bed, then it might well make THEM feel cheap. But like i said, as long as they're consenting adults, its their choice. And ultimately their look out if they feel used.
c xxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 That's "Why are YOU asking this question over and over?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 April 2008):
Why are asking this question over and over again? It's getting rather tiresome seeing it pop up all over this site.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I can't really say why people feel that sex in the first date is cheap, whatever. I just want to say that "fully" is not strong enough a word to say how much I agree with Uncle Phil here. Particularly in this regard:
"All this business of waiting until the second or third date is a complete nonsense to me. What difference does it make to anything whether you have sex on the first or fifth date, or even if you wait until you are married?"
That said, please, poster, bear in mind that Uncle Phil's (and my own) opinion is not the opinion that most other people consider true. I certainly don't believe that sex in the first date would make any girl cheaper, or sex in the tenth date would make her more "valuable", but I would have to follow HER way of seeing things. Most likely SHE would think that my "eagerness" for sex in the first date would mean that I don't really see her as a potential wife, for example, and so SHE would make it difficult for me during the first dates.
You can have your opinion, but you need to take other people's opinions in consideration, too, particularly because sex takes two people.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I get your meaning. Yes, people are hypocritical about sex. Very few people don't lie or embellish about sex in some way or other. It's a very personal subject and most people don't discuss it openly, with the exception of this column!
If you ever read statistics, most men will say they have had 10 partners in their lifetime, but most women will say that they have had only 4. Logically, this number doesn't add up, or there are a few women out there that REALLY get around. Men will exaggerate up and women will hide numbers. So, I hear what you are saying.
BUT, I also have read quite a few times that men have a tendency to categorize their relationships and that if you do sleep with a guy right away, there can be a tendency for that relationship to become just about sex for them. If you are prepared for that outcome, and not surprised by his lack of interest in any kind of commitment, then that's entirely your choice - as long as you are informed and practicing safe sex. There's nothing wrong with having a relationship that is based on sex, as long as that's the expectation of both consenting adults involved. That's often a difficult thing for women to do, we tend to get our hearts involved once we sleep with someone.
The idea that it cheapens someone one way or the other is an old fashioned idea - but those ideas do die hard - which is probably the reason why most people tell lies about sex in the first place. It could be much, much worse - We should probably thank our luck stars that we are living in countries where we can't be stoned for sexual offenses like some poor women still are. You absolutely have the right to do as you wish with your own body. Take good care of yourself with the decisions that you make for yourself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): After my divorce, I would wait until the second date to try to have sex with the woman. I was in my 30s at the time. Some women appreciated that I gave them some respect by not expecting sex on the first date. One woman was all over me 2 minutes after getting in the door after the date and we had sex on the first date. I didn't consider her any different than the other women. I knew all of the women I dated, not as close friends, but at least I knew them and occasionally talked to them before dating them.
I don't think badly of a woman who goes to bed with a man on the first date. What I do think badly of, for whatever reason, is a woman who picks up a guy at a bar or club and goes to bed with him 2 hours after meeting him. My wife did that several times before we started dating. She had reasons for doing that at the time and I understand them, but I have never been able to fully accept that behavior.
So basically, first, second or third date is insignificant. To me, it's how the people involved meet and end up in bed that matters to me. I had a one night stand once with a woman who I picked up at a party and I didn't like myself for it very much, so I am not just being hypocritical of my wife's or another woman's behavior for pickups and one night stands. I never did that again.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Wether it is cheap or not is for you to decide, your life, your choices.
But the difference between a first and a second date should be obvious. A first date is often seen as the first time two people are out as a potential couple. PART of the whole ritual is the asking out for a second date and going on that second one. When you are on the second date both of you have basically said, well the first date was a success, we are both intrested enough in each other to continue.
By having sex on the first date you skip this 'commitment' to continue dating and make what a lot of people consider a big step before you even know if the other person wants a second date.
For some it is just too soon. How do you know the guy you are on the first date with and decide to have sex with is even likes you, he might just be sitting the date out hoping never too see you again.
If you have sex on a first date with a guy he also will reason that you do the same on all your other first dates. Few men are comfortable with a woman who has been with too many men. I am not defending it, just saying that is how a percentage of men thinks.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with and don't worry about what others say but do realize that for a lot of men sex on a first date often means a one night stand.
My own personal opinion is not that the girl is cheap but that it is just moving to fast, what is the hurry? Maybe I am just old fashioned but part of the fun of dating used to be the courting. If you do it all on the first day, what is left?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I believe in sex before, during and after marriage and divorce. So that's cleared that up.
All this business of waiting until the second or third date is a complete nonsense to me. What difference does it make to anything whether you have sex on the first or fifth date, or even if you wait until you are married?
The only difference I can think of is that if, once married, you find you're incompatible sexually, you're bloody well stuck with him/her until you can afford a divorce.
In short, if the guy thinks the girl is 'cheap' for having sex on the first night, by definition he is too. I don't believe in double standards. If it feels good, do it.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Who are these people who think that? Not me. I think that a boy or girl who expects sex on a first date or a second date or a third date or on any date before their new partner is absolutely ready for it has issues that need to be sorted out. THAT is when respect is lacking, and THAT is what cheapens a relationship, not whether it happens on the first date or not.
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