A
female
age
30-35,
*hheyitstash
writes:This isn't a love/relationship question but I think this site is great and I go nowhere else for advice, so I hope there are people here who would take the time to read this and help me out.Okay, hi. I'm a 17 year old girl. I've never had problems with people and life in general. I get along fine with everyone. But lately, I don't know why I feel so disconnected with the world. I realise I handle things differently now. When I turned 16, I realised there's like this "thing" in me that tells me NOT to take shit from anyone and NOT to let anyone make me feel small about myself. I think I developed a stronger and tougher character over my growing teenage years. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with me being a lesbian and embracing my identity even more as I grow older, but I'm guessing it does. But then again, that's a different story. Anyway, here's the real thing. See, if something someone does really hurts my feelings or makes me feel angry, I'd tell them frankly how I feel. I'd put the problem right out and try to fix it. If some conflict breaks out and it affects me and my relationship with another party, I try to fix it. I think I'm outspoken and honest in that way, but those are the only times I'm like that. Otherwise, most of the time, I try to take care of other people's feelings and be sensitive to their thoughts. I keep my business mine, and their business theirs. It's only when I feel like I'm being attacked personally that I'll voice out how I feel. When I say "voice out", it's totally in a non-threatening manner. I don't scream or shout or punch them in the face. I sit them down, and talk to them nicely. In a civilised manner. I do that because it makes me feel better. And also because I don't want enemies. But for some reason, I think there are people who dislike me because of this. My question is, why? I don't understand why? I don't understand if I'm doing something wrong here. Is it wrong to speak your mind and make it clear how you feel about things? Is it wrong to want to fix problems and clear doubts instead of sweeping them under the rug? I don't understand why people would want to argue and bitch about one another for months and months when the conflict itself can be resolved, just by them sitting down and talking. For a while, I didn't care if people didn't like me because as far as I'm concerned, I feel better about myself when I resolve issues through "civilised" ways. But now, I find I've been thinking of it a lot and it's starting to affect me. Do I come across as a snob or something because of the way I handle problems and conflicts? I don't know. I'm confused.I'm normally so sure of myself- who i am and what I want/like/dislike in life. But this really bothers me... I'm only 17, I'm just a young kid. I have insecurities, just like any other 17 year old. When people hate me because of who I am and the way I do things, well, I'm not even going to lie.. It does hurt my feelings.I'm hoping to get some insight from the awesome people on this site. I mean, am I doing something wrong? Am I missing something here? What is it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance! :)
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female
reader, ohheyitstash +, writes (5 July 2011):
ohheyitstash is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you guys too. I felt really REALLY bad after showing her the text messages. That was pretty bitchy of me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that..
And yep, Anon, I didn't send any flirty texts back. :) I guess I have to keep in mind the difference between being "aggressive" and "assertive". I never thought of it that way.
Guys, thank you so much for all the replies. It clears my mind A LOT now. So the next time someone dislikes me because I speak my mind and stand up for my rights, I'd know what to think.
Thank you so much all. :D
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): It sounds like you handled this really well--up to the point where you showed Anne the texts her gf had sent you. I get that you wanted to clear your name, but that was pretty cold. You could've just denied it and pointed to your own behaviour as proof (presumably you weren't sending flirty texts back ... right?)
A lot of people don't seem to get the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being assertive means standing up for yourself--telling someone what upset you and why, and insisting that you won't tolerate that kind of behaviour again--which is a good thing. Being aggressive is following the assertive remarks with a (metaphorical) punch to the stomach.
If this is a typical example, then you are being aggressive, not just assertive, and that is why people are reacting in a way that you don't expect. Try to express how you feel and why, without feeling that you have to hurt the other person back--remember to be as considerate of their feelings as you want them to be of your feelings. I'm NOT saying that you have to be all namby-pamby. Just don't say things that you know are going to be hurtful.
(OK, sometimes you have to say things that are painful. "Carleen, people would want to be around you more if you bathed more often" is never easy to hear. Just be really, really sure when you say this kind of thing that your motivation is truly to help the other person as opposed to getting them back for something.)
Also, as a general rule, it's best to have these conversations when both parties are calm. The middle of an argument is not usually a good time to take someone to task for what they say to you. I gather from your question that you are aware of this, but thought I'd throw it out there anyway.
I applaud both your commitment to being a strong and assertive woman and your emotional maturity.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 Been there. What happens is, you threw truth in her face, and obviously she didn't like it. I say, keep doing what you're doing.
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A
female
reader, ohheyitstash +, writes (5 July 2011):
ohheyitstash is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the original poster of this question.
Okay, so there was this instance where I found out from some friends that this girl, let's call her Anne, didn't like me.
That was fine with me. I wasn't expecting everyone to like me and I didn't care if she didn't like me.
The thing that made me really pissed was the fact that she went around saying "things" about me. She told everyone in her path that I was a bitch, that I had been around with a lot of girls, that everyone shouldn't like me because I stole her girlfriend (I swear to God I didnt).
This went on for a few months but I knew nothing about it until she had a major fight with her own friends and they turned against her.
I am pretty good friends with her friends (it's just her that I'm not close to).
We were having dinner together that day when they started talking about her. I said nothing while they spoke because I wanted to stay out of their drama.
Then, though it was hesitant on their part, they told me that Anne had been saying mean things about me behind my back to other people.
I listened to what they had to say but I didn't act rashly or jump to conclusions because I still wasn't sure if I should believe them.
So I told them that I would handle it and talk to her about it. Which I did, the very next day.
I took her politely aside after school the next day and sat her down. I told her what I heard and asked if it was true. Of course she denied it!
So then I asked her about the "stealing her girlfriend" issue and finally, she admitted to starting the whole thing because of that.
I told her everything- that I didn't steal her girlfriend, that her girlfriend was the one who kept on texting me, how she's affecting my reputation in school with her bitch-talking.
I even showed her the evidence even though I knew that could take a toll on their relationship and break them up.
I showed her the suggestive, flirty messages that her girlfriend kept sending to me.
Okay, I felt bad about that but I mean, come on, I HAVE to clear my name and get myself out of the drama right!
So we spoke for around fifteen minutes, and then in the end, it was all over.
I told her very nicely that I didn't want to hear any other rumour being spread about me and that maybe she should find out the real situation first before starting rumours.
She meekly said "okay", but when she walked away, I knew she hated the shit out of me.
So that's how it is from then on.
That's one of the situations where I sit someone down and talk to them about how I feel.
I handle every misunderstanding and conflict like that.
And people seem to dislike me because of that.
Is that really the wrong way of handling conflicts? I mean, really? I must bitch-talk about people behind their backs when they bitch-talk about me?
If I don't bitch-talk about them, if I choose to handle it maturely, people's gonna hate me?
Is that it? Because if that is it, then it doesn't make sense at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): It's okay to speak your mind but it all depends what is in your mind....and above all how you deliver what you have to say. Brutal truth is not so good if you risk hurting someone's feelings, but the same point can be made by saying what you have on your mind by using tact and think of the other person's feelings, and i see you do.Don't feel bad because certain people may not like you... stay true to you and your character. I think you have a quality in your trying to fix things as soon as you can. You sound strong and confident to me and honest. Many people are not frank and harbour feelings of resentment and hidden bad thoughts and some never speak up and say'hey! I did not like that!' this is not healthy it's quite natural to express yourself, you on the other hand speak as you find and people will know where they are with you. I would not worry HOW you come across to others you should quite simply come across as you, be true, be gentle, and be brave. Good luck rainbow warrior :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): There is a difference between strong minded and not taking rudeness from others and being rude and obnoxious. I have always spoke my mind and don't let anyone walk over me and I wouldn't necessarily say people don't like me for it. If you gave us an example it would be a lot more helpful to see what you see as strong minded. Also there must be a reason you are always having to confront people, or you are just too sensitive?
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A
male
reader, Philips  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Some people simply hate people who criticize them, unless they are really close friends.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 July 2011):
Speaking your mind is a great thing, but it has consequences. You need to learn to live with them. Simple.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (4 July 2011):
Can you give us an example of when this has happened?
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