A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im an 18yr old guy, just out of school, and I'm still a virgin...I don't understand why it's so hard...why I dislike it so much...I feel like I'm missing out...like everyone else is in on something that I'm not a part of. Then people say its a good thing to be a virgin. That I should stay a virgin. That it's sweet or girls like virgin guys.But it's all a bunch of complete and total crap. If being a virgin is so good, everyone would save it. If girls liked virgins, I wouldn't be one. And if it were good to be a virgin, I wouldn't be picked on for it.And why do people automatically think that if your a virgin, your waiting for some special someone? Has anyone ever thought, hey maybe theyre just waiting for anyone who would?I don't necessarily have a problem with being a virgin, I just want the companionship. The intimacy. All I want is to have someone to be with. No one in particular. Just someone...I want someone to hold next to me...to be with like that...but I'm afraid to be with anyone who's not a virgin...like they'll judge me. But it's so hard to find a girl who hasn't slept with someone now days...what if I'm a virgin forever? Id rather be dead I think...what should I do?But I guess my main question is, why do people tell us these things, when there is no proof to it? When they're obviously lying? And how can I lose my virginity without losing what's left of my dignity?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 September 2012):
OP you are smart enough to ask the questions but you have to work a bit on the answer. All we can do is try to explain that we all muddled through these issues one way or another. Forget the big sex issue, because the most important thing for you and your future is making yourself into a guy that you are proud of and a girl will be proud to spend her life with, not just a one night stand.
You are young, this is your time to be free and single and find stuff that you want to do. And you will meet and have fun with girls but only because you do other things. Sex is used, over used, to market everything but the reality is that the happiest people ignore what the salesman makes out you should be doing and just do things that make you smarter and give you fun! Enjoy yourself.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Therapy will help with the self-hatred. Therapy will help you get over your fear of female naughty bits…
There really is someone out there for you… but you are so full of self-loathing you can’t see it.
Listen to me… I’m 52. My back is crippled so much I often have to walk with a cane.. I’m no beauty.. I have lots of issues… I have found love… my partner… also a bit of an odd duck but WE fit TOGETHER for US…
You say “it’s impossible for me to love myself if no one else can how am I supposed to?”
You have it backwards.. NO ONE can love you till you love yourself… and know you are worth it…
Contact Associated Catholic or Associated Jewish Charities (you do not have to be of either religion as they take federal funds and will see anyone) and see what their sliding scale is for treatment. IF you go to school there may be a counselor at school that can help… at work they often have an EAP program… they can help too…
You can’t say “I know I need help but it will be a while before I can afford it” and you have no clue what it costs or where to go get help… first figure it out.. many years ago we had to pay 5 dollars a visit… was so worth it… I’m sure you can get some help somewhere….
As for Co-dependent… nope.. co-dependency is when you are in a relationship with a sick needy person and you do nothing to help them be better because you need to be needed… Worst case, you would do what my former FIL did which was say ‘my wife (an agoraphobic schizophrenic who was unmediated) is just not feeling well today… tomorrow will be better… and it never was.. but he was a bit loopy and he needed to be needed… she needed him.. he needed her so together they remained happy in their co-dependent sickness till she was forcibly removed to a nursing home and then properly medicaited until her death (and she became a lovely rational person then) and he died shortly after her… (as many older married couples even those NOT co-dependent do)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBt even if I got therapy, what would it do? I feel this way because I havnt done anything with my life. Never had the chance. Girls won't give me a second thought, I lost my career choice due to a health problem...ive never even proven to myself, or anyone else that I'm a man...everyone else was dating and happy in high school, and I was alone...I hate the feeling...no one there to care for, or who cares for you...waking up, alone, working a long day only to come home and spend the night with either friends, family, or your thoughts, then going to bed alone, just to start the whole thng over again...then people say "I'm sure there's someone out there for you. You just have to look!" like I havnt looked...like I'm not looking...It's impossible for me to love myself, if no one else can, how am I supposed to? Yes, okay...I completely base my self worth on what women think of me. So sue me. But I just can't see happiness outside of a relationship...I know I need help, but it'll be a while before I can afford it...and does this make me co-dependent or whatever it's called?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): im in the same boat im 23 and girls always avoided me... dont know why. perhaps i'm a outsider who does not fit with society No matter how hard i try its always the same.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2012):
OP what you said in your follow up speaks volumes: “but I am ultimately what I hate. “
You said what the core issue is… YOU HATE YOURSELF… virgin or not you will HATE yourself without some strong therapy to work on this issue.
I have to tell you that
a. You should NOT be discussing your sexual past with people you are not intending to sleep with… therefore you should no be discussing your past with anyone since you have not met anyone to sleep with…
b. YOU put a lot of weight on this virginity thing… others well unless life has changed dramatically in 40 years… everyone is still the center of their own universe and spend very LITTLE time thinking about you…
c. You have a phobia about prostitutes and women…
My suggestions:
1. A good therapist and possibly some medical (i.e. drug) intervention to help you with the obessession, depression and irrational feelings
2. A good SEX THERAPIST to get over the fear of vaginas and clitoris… which btw are very lovely things once you get to know them… NOT a prostitute… a licensed SEXUAL THERAPIST. YOUR issues are deeper than I would like to see you inflict on an unsuspecting partner.
You need to work on YOUR issues first before you can expect someone else to take you on.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 No,sorry, I do not see your point. In fact, I see it, but it makes me want to smile- a motherly ,affectionate smile, mind you :) I mean.... you have stopped looking for the right person " long time ago " ? How LONG, for Pete's sake, you are all of 18 ! where you looking for the right one in kindergarten ?... Not all good things come as fast and as easily for everybody at the same time, and that's true for love, friends, work, success, accomplishments and satisfactions of any kind . Some people , go figure why, struggles more than other for any given goal- but at 18, you haven't even STARTED struggling, forget being done with it ! If you want something and you give up because of a couple, or even a dozen, of social insuccesses, well, I tell you what, you DESERVE to be deprived of what you want. Lady Luck does not kiss often whiners and quitters.
4 years of pain longing and disappointment ?... Uhm... maybe that was also- mostly- because you have spent 4 years at an inappropriate age on an inappropriate goal.
There's nothing tragic or dramatic or hideous in being single and sexless age 14 to 18, in fact MANY persons choose voluntarily to focus their younger years on other stuff- school,sports, friends- rather than on sex. Sex and romance are not the be all and end all of human life, and least of all at 14-18 !
Plus - you want to be liked and cherished, and be shown that also by physical means, which is perfectly normal and understandable, I don't deny that. But- up to a point. I am positive that you too, sooner or later, will find someone who will like you and want you and desire you ( and it will be sooner if you let go of your sad-sack " woe is me " frame of mind ). But, you can't make " do they like me ? will they like me ? " the main and uppermost question in your life : that's an hellish way to live. Start making sure that YOU like yourself, virgin or not. When you do, you most probably will be attractive to women. And in the unfortunate case you are not- at least you can think " their loss not mine ":).
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (7 September 2012):
OP there is always a special someone for every one of us. Give up thinking you are waiting and do things that are fun and will show your special someone that you are fun to be with. Its pretty likely you are going to meet her in the next year or two, but maybe it is tomorrow, you just don't know. You are right that virginity is over-rated, but so is losing it! A meaningful relationship is a lot more than sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't see a good reason to wait longer...or to want to. I get the whole wait for the right person thing...but I don't personally believe there is any right person. People are compatible with each other in wayswe will never comprehend. We are capable of falling in love with the people who match up with us. Those people aren't really rare. That said, it would then be possible to say that there could be 10 right people out there for any given person. Maybe more, maybe less. As for me, Ive stopped looking for a right person. I did long ago. Now I only look for someone as obnoxiously "pure" as I am. Not to have any sort of "I was her first" kind of feeling...but now I've been stood up twice in a week...it makes me fear that, even if there was a "right person" out there for me, there's a strong possibility that she would...judge me...compare...call it what you want, but I can't take being hurt anymore...this was twice in one week...imagine how hard it was in high school...4 years of sadness and heart break...I'm terrified of going through that again...I barely made it through last time, and wouldn't have if not for my friends...but I can't count on them to be there for me anymore...please tell me you see my point...you can see it how I do...all I've ever experienced is pain when it comes to love, or dating in general...in just want to get it over with so I can say something has gone right for me...ya know?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 September 2012):
I have a spoiler for you. I have never in my life, not one single time, ever heard a woman say - "I just wish I lost it earlier." Conversely, I have lost count on how many times I have heard - "I wish I waited longer/for the right person."
Proceed accordingly.
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male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (6 September 2012):
What's wrong with you is your attitude. You make your own happiness. STOP relying on others to make you happy. Find things you like to do, and do THEM I'm 21, and I'm still a virgin. I used to have your mindset and I do from time to time. But I don't like the idea of having sex with some random girl. It would violate my self morals so to speak. But here's the two and only options to solve your problem:1) Remain a virgin, until you get up and START to meet girls and talk to them and build a relationship. Sex will come once you're in a relationship. 2) Go to a bar, and simply ask girls to put out. I'm sure eventually one will.-You want sex now, but you want it to be meaningful. I'm sorry, but the meaningful part takes time. I suggest you get outside in the world and live your life how you want to. There is more to life than sex my friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm so tired of being a virgin though...I'm depressed, I'm angry...my physical health is suffering now...I hate it so much...and I can't change it. I want to, but I can't. There's not a girl alive who would sleep with me. And im not a pig. Don't get me wrong, I hate myself for being a virgin...I do. But I'm not only interested in that. I want the intimacy. I want the feeling of...just someone being there. I want to feel wanted. I want someone to just hold...to be close to...I mean, so far life has sucked. It's been miserable. I have nothing to be proud of, and nothing to live for. I have a dead-end job, the only girl I've been interested in lately has just stopped talking to me for NO REASON AT ALL....life's gone to shit for me, and the feeling of self loathing I get when it comes to the topic of virginity, which I end up on a lot for some reason, is so...depressing...I just feel like there's no reason to try anymore. I'm 18, and according to a report I read, 54.3% of 18yr olds today have already engaged in sexual intercourse. And I don't understand why I can't be a part of that group...why am I the outsider one again? And why is it that I can't for the life of me find a girl who likes me? Who doesn't ignore me, or throw it in my face that she's better than me, or who doesn't judge me based on her exes...what's wrong with me?
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male
reader, Mosaic +, writes (5 June 2012):
 man dont sell yourself short. there are girls out there who want virgins. because they can shape and mould you like a blank slate. and nowdays the only thing your missing out on by being a virgin is a horde of STD's and a garnished paycheck. when you lose your virginity the only thing that changes is your attitude twords sex. it means alot less to you once you do it. then the only way to make it mean more again is to do it with someone you love. anything else might aswell be yourself doing it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 June 2012):
Why is it impossible for you to lose your virginity ?
As history has proven... What history, for Pete's sake ? ! You are all of ...18 !. So your "history " will be, what, one year or 18 months or so of half hearted , half assed attempts at dating -IF you have attempted at all, which is unclear . In case you are just sitting there , batting your eyelids like Scarlett O'Hara at the plantation ball, waiting for some sensuous creature to show up and tell you " Oh babe, I want you so bad, let me ravage your virgin body "... yeah, it ain't gonna happen.
Even if women tend to be more proactive these days than as it used to be, that does not happen much yet in your age range, teens aren't quite so in charge of their dating and sex life. And, also, rightly they don't wish to give up the thrill , excitement and flattery of being seeked out, and pursued.
If you really want to become sexually active, you can't stay passive , duh. You need to put yourself out there, to meet women,to approach them, to ask them out, to DO something . AND to risk and accept rejection, which is a very normal part of life , and not the ultimate walk of shame.
" Unicuique faber fortunae suae " : everybody is the maker of his own destiny - and history.
( Said that, I would not advise you to advertise that " you are just waiting for anybody who just would ". Like, as long as she breathes, and puts out, she'll be fine. People are allergic to being seen as just a mean to an end ).
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy predicament is that I have a strong belief in God, but am not on good terms with Him. I do not want to be a virgin, but as history has proven, it is impossible for me to lose my virginity. I hate virginity, but I am ultimately what I hate. I do not agree with maintaining My virginity, nor praising it. At the same time, I refuse to stoop to prostitution, and cannot find a girl who doesn't think "alright, he's a virgin. So he won't want to have sex, right?"
And the wirt part of it all: I am afraid of sex. Nt just sex, but the...uhm...lower regions, I'll call it, of the female anatomy. I'm not gay. I just panic thinking about it, but at the same time I can't quite avoid it if I'm going to stop hating myself...I just...I'm a walking oxymoron.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 June 2012):
I don't quite understand your predicament.
You seem to give a disproportionate attention to what " people " say or think. What do YOU think ? People say all sort of things- some say that Justin Bieber is a great singer :). All opinions are respectable and interesting , but ultimately you have to custom fit them to YOUR life, beliefs, aspirations and plans.
Do you WANT to be a virgin ? Then be a virgin. You don't want to be a virgin, then don't. It's really not that complicated.
Yeah, the religious angle. But that's not a problem of virginity or sexuality, it's a problem of FAITH and of your relationship with your God and your religion.
If you practice and BELIEVE a religion that promotes abstinence and forbids extramarital sex ,... you'll accept as a matter of faith that this how it's done, as annoying / frustrating / painful it may be.
It's ,like, the price for belonging to some club or party. If you want to belong to the party , and have committed your loyalty to it, you follow their rules, even those which are inconvenient to you.
You can't be a card carrying member of a right wing conservative party AND organize a fund raiser for the communists .
If you don't believe the religion you have been raised in is the one which fulfills your spiritual needs and you can't honestly stay committed to something which you think is wrong,false or futile- then don't stay committed. CHOOSE your spiritual path, your religious affiliation, - or choose to have none. To thyne own self be true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike you said: it's admirable to be a virgin, as long as it's healthy for you. But it's not. Nt for me anyways. Im angry at myself...disappointed with life...I've become angry with my family and religion, and I'm not exactly on great terms with God at the moment. (if you don't believe in Him, I understand, but it's just my beliefs) I've lost all faith in relationships, and I cant function normally in an environment like that...I'm afraid of sex, and I'm angry with my exes...if being a virgin were so great, I wouldn't have this absolute hatred for it. I feel like I'm waging a war I cannot win.
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female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 I can see where its frustrating for you that people assume you are "waiting for the one" I myself know that I don't intend on waiting until marriage, but I think there is value in being patient and waiting until you are out of highschool. I think the reason virgins are picked on is because they are on the outside of the circle. But in a way, like bullies bullying because of their self-insecurities, I think that those people probably envy virgins. Almost all the nonvirgins I know regret their first times. They didn't wait, and for them, the "magic" of it all was lost. For them innocence and commonsense left them completely. Its admirable to be a virgin, as long as it is healthy for you. Sleeping around to become a nonvirgin will only lead to regret. Keep looking for a companion, and have more confidence. Don't wear your virginity as a hinderence, or else others will see it as one. If you hold yourself with dignity, they will see you with respect. You can only be as strong as you allow yourself to be, and others will follow the staure you set for yourself. To keep your dignity and lose your virginity you just need to be patient and maybe start dating more. Losing it to lose it will never end well and you wont enjoy it as much as if it had meaning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't count how many people have told me the same thing you have...and how it's never taken any effect...but for some reason this time I feel different...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): Hi there,I too am a virgin, I'm an eighteen year old girl. I'm not necessarily waiting until marriage, I'm just waiting until I'm completely in love. I'm waiting until I know this will be the person I do end up marrying. I won't date a guy who has slept with lots of people. being a virgin shows that you value yourself, you respect your body. You can find someone who will love you, whether you're a virgin or not. girls don't look down on guys for not sleeping with tons of girls. So don't be ashamed of being a virgin, be proud. even if you don't choose to be one and you're not waiting for someone special. Trust me, there are lots of lovely virgins out there that would love to date you.Don't go and have a one night stand with a random girl, just so you can say you got laid and you're no longer a virgin. Just wait
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