A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a very hardworking and independent lady. I always go out of my way for my boyfriends. The main thing is every thing seems fine and then all of a sudden ,they just stop calling. I'm not sure why because they never say why. I really need to get this in check...Any suggestions because I don't want to go on like this, getting my heart broken every couple of months.They always do the chasing at first and keep going on about how 'nice' and 'good' I am to them and then all of a sudden they leave. Do any of you out there know why this is? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (11 August 2008):
 Oooh I could really get into this one Saleem, but I'll leave it there. I respect your opinion and don't have the right to try to change that. It would be dull if we were all the same anyways. Thanks for your opinion, it makes the world go round. No ones right, no ones wrong, just different. God Bless.
A
male
reader, Saleem  +, writes (11 August 2008):
Well Deema everyone has his own likes and dislikes but my personal opinion is that when you are serious about someone you merge your life and theirs together and become one..yes i have my job and you have yours but my friends become yours, my family become yours and vice versa. also, everyone wants 'alone time' every now and then but that doesnt mean me go lime with my friends and you go lime with yours..i think it means me watch some football or something and you do what you enjoy doing (hair, nails, cooking or whatever). i guess everyone is different and for everyoe there's a soulmate that thinks the same way as you do..
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
P.S. I forgot to add they will also be happy to let you into every part of their lives, along with allowing you to be your own person and live your own life. Its not about shutting you out of their lives, its about them respecting you have a life too. Trust me, I've had it both ways - and I know which way I prefer.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
Sorry Saleem but I don't agree with you at all. It takes a lot of maturity from a guy to be happy with you being perfectly yourself and not want to try to own or change that. As for your sentence about 'being their life', pow, I'm old and wise enought to know thats very unhealthy. At some stage in our lives we will all be alone. You have to know how to deal with that when it comes. No one can be your 'life' if you want a whole and fulfilled one. You have to make that for yourself. No one can do it for you. Yes I too am against playing games. The Rules is not about playing games, its about growing up and having self respect. Thats where we go wrong. Anyway, I guess we all are individual and we all have our opinions, but like I said, with maturity comes a very different perspective on these things - not being patronising, just trying to give another side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSaleem,
You are so right. I've never heard more sound advice and thhis is what my heart has been telling. It's not about playing games, tricks and strategic moves to manipulate them into liking and wanting you. I think woman that do that are timewasters and witches!
I truly believe that when a man likes you he is there no matter what. I've seen it and lived it. I also have been with guys that spoil me rotten yet I try to like them but they are not what I'm looking for. I've even tried settling because they are so nice, I stopped doing that. Now these guys are friends with me and will do anything fir me. I pray that I do find a nice guy that does want me be part of his life and vice versa that I like. To hell with all these trick books by women... no offence women but I won't take the blame for these boys misbehaving. I didn't make them behave like that.
Like my mum says you can't MAKE someone do anything.They choose to. Way to go Saleem. Thanks for the clear honesty!! Tk care.
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A
male
reader, Saleem +, writes (10 August 2008):
as a guy i can tell you that the guys who want you to have your life and leave them with theirs are not serious about you, they are 'living' their lives and that is why they dont want you to be a constant and major part of theirs and that is why they dont wanna be part of yours..simply because you are not their lives, they have a life outside which (trust me) includes other women.
when you find a guy who is serious about you and he is a good guy he will welcome you into every part of his life and he will wanna be a constant and major part of yours.
Im a guy, trust me.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (10 August 2008):
 Deema has given you excellent advice. No matter how nice we are to them, its never good enough for these men.
Stop going out of your way for these guys, play hard to get and do not drop everything for them at a drop a hat. Men love the chase trust me, they like to think that women have a life of their own and is not waiting for their call/text 24/7.
Men can spot easy to please and needy women a mile off, they have a built in radar for that sort of thing.
I know I always sing the praises of relationship guru Tracey Cox, but believe me this CHICK knows her stuff. She has a book out in all good bookshops called "Hot Relationships" priced at £9.99, buy it it is worth every penny. (Darling I have been there, done that and worn the T shirts) about these silly little men with brains inside their underpants. Good luck my love, you deserve a nice man to look after you xx.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
Hello darling. There is an excellent book called 'The Rules' by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider - it tells all about relationships and where we go wrong us girls. For me the big clue is in your sentence 'I always go out of my way for my boyfriends' - thats the natural and nice way we are, but sorry my love, its that that turns them off - seems crazy doesn't it to us? Apparently they like it when we just get on with our own lives, leave them alone to get on with theirs, keep being independent - thats what drew them in the first place - and just being ourselves. For some reason us girls when we get in a relationship, start fitting ourselves round them, being available, being nice, thoughtful, helpful, etc. They just see that as a walkover. Thats why sometimes you see the nicest guys with the biggest bitches maybe, I don't know. But the Rules is very good for helping you understand whats going on. Good luck.
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