A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do men focus so much on female orgasm? My bf is insecure because he's only been able to make me orgasm twice orally in the 4 months we've been together and if I don't orgasm, he sees it as failure and it prevents him from being hard again to have sex.I'm not good at faking and I have never faked my whole life but I am starting to wondering if I should. Or is it up to my bf to understand that it is not about orgasming. His inability to have an erection has been causing a lot of distress in our relationship.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011):
"a woman is responsible for her orgasm"
This is a great line and it is 100% true. If a lady is willing and able to get off then she will. Some women have an easier time of it than others, of course. My wife rarely orgasms. I used to care a lot about this, but I stopped caring some time ago. I used to try all sorts of things to get her excited. Some worked, some didn't. Finally, one time we were talking about it and she told me that:
1. She enjoys sex regardless
2. She feels it just isn't worth the effort to her to make herself cum
She told me that it takes 20-30 minutes to have an orgasm and the end result isn't worth the trouble. Seems like it would be worth it to me, but I'm not her. Sometimes she does orgasm, but rarely. In the end, she's responsible for her own pleasure. I have offered to help her, but if she's not interested then she's not interested.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Never lie about nor fake an orgasm it's completely demeaning to us guys and may just prevent him ever figuring out how to give you one.
OP you have to explain to him in detail that women have a very different kind of orgasm to us guys and a lot of factors can prevent its happening even if all the right things are done.
I'm with my girl over 6 years now. In the right mood I can use any body part to get her off in about 5 minutes. But in the wrong mood I could spend hours trying and it just wouldn't happen. You know as well as I do that doesn't mean she didn't get any pleasure from it or that she will be automatically disappointed.
As you can see we're not exactly immune to that either, sexual confidence is key to our performance and for a guy who doesn't feel he can perform his confidence gets shot which makes it even harder for him to perform.
You have to make him understand OP that for a woman to orgasm every time she has sex or gets head is pretty much impossible. You have to reassure him it's not a performance issue but just the way a woman's body works.
OP there's one thing I've learned about through all my years of dating when it comes to questions about performance and whether we made you cum, you never answer say we didn't you just say that was awesome thank you, smile and go in for the kiss and cuddle.
When a guy asks you if you came what he's really asking is "was I good, did I pleasure you?" if he managed to do that regardless of the climax then just say that, it's not a lie.
You can easily avoid those questions by just saying it was great without prompting if you did indeed enjoy yourself.
Try to be understanding though it may take a little while of coercion and encouragement for him to get his mojo back. try not to pressure him be gentle and persuasive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I think most men wants to make sure the women gets "hers" too. And I agree with *Odds* that a guy might think if he keeps his woman satisfied she won't look elsewhere or get bored with the whole sex act.
No one likes to fail at anything. That would include getting your partner off.
Don't fake it, but talk to him. If you otherwise enjoy the sex, he needs to accept that you don't get of as easily as maybe the both of you would like.
Obviously you orgasm easier with clitoral stimuli so help him, help you?
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I've known some guys who fell asleep while at the receiving end of a BJ. It wasn't amusing. A guy probably feels the same way about a girl who doesn't get off during the act. Now I know it may not be terribly important to you whether you have the big O or not - after all, sex is fun in itself - but for a guy it generally isn't sex unless he's ejaculated. Since he doesn't get the difference between his concept of sex and yours, he assumes that you aren't enjoying yourself if you haven't had an orgasm.
Don't sweat it too much, most women would be glad to have a man who actually cared whether they got off or not. I know a lot of men who are pleased to just get themselves off, and they're nice guys, really. I enjoy them no less on that account. But it's the guy who does care enough to want to get me off that's the guy I'm with.
Just try to tell him that if he focussed less on your orgasm, you'd be more likely to have one!
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (6 December 2011):
I join with the group of men for whom it is really important that my mate has an orgasm during sex. Its nothing to do with ego, I just enjoy watching and feeling her body wriggle as she flys through the clouds or wherever she goes! Its just great. But I know there are times when it doesn't always work and I am happy to let her get the enjoyment of watching me, even though I suspect shes really thinking about a shopping list or some household chore! Its never good to try to prescribe or expect good orgasms, in fact the best sex often happens at random times when both are in the mood. I can't overemphasise the need for good foreplay to really increase the ability for the woman to have an orgasm.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (6 December 2011):
To be honest, I think I was ruined by a teenage relationship. I spent the best part of a year with a girl who was, in hindsight, unusually able to reach orgasm. Oral, intercourse, whatever, it worked for her. And she wasn't shy about letting you know. As it was one of my early relationships, I really belived that what I was doing for her was exactly what a guy was supposed to be doing. She could climax so many times for every one of mine. Honestly, how could that fail to set a standard?
Sadly she wasn't someone with whom I could spend my life, for a variety of reasons.
Equally sadly, I haven't since been with a woman who could orgasm so easily. Including the woman I've been married to for 20+ years, and with whom I've been monogamous. It saddens me to no end that my wife doesn't seem to get off the way that g/f did, and that, given our vows, she never will.
My sole consolation is from having read somewhere (Xaviera Hollander?) that a woman is responsible for her orgasm. I would do pretty much anything for my wife to have a mindblowing orgasm. But she isn't particularly interested in talking about it. So I assume that what she's getting is what she wants. But I wish it were more.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I beg to differ with Aunt Honesty. Don't lie about the orgasm.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): "he's only been able to make me orgasm twice orally in the 4 months we've been together"
I take it you mean you do other things as well, but the only two orgasms you've had were a result of oral?
As a guy, it sucks if you feel like you're not satisfying a woman sexually. At least if you really like a woman, and you want her to stay with you and be faithful. I'd have to concede I've been in relationships with women that I didn't care about very much, and I didn't really give a crap if she was satisfied or not.
My suggestion is to try to take some pressure off and tell him you don't orgasm easily, but you really enjoy having sex either way (assuming that is basically true, I'm not a big believer in dishonesty in relationships). Also, you haven't really been with him all that long, and you might want to tell him it takes you a while to get completely comfortable and enjoy yourself (if this is true). For a guy, there's nothing worse than thinking your GF got off like a porn star with every other guy she's ever been with, but you're the one poor shmuck who can't please her. If he knows this is pretty normal for you, but you'll come around (so to speak) eventually, it takes a lot of pressure off.
Obviously, there's only so much you can do and he is ultimately the one who has to deal with his insecurity about this. But, if you care about him the way it sounds like he cares about you, trying to figure out a way to work through this might be worth the effort.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): I would get to know your body more because every woman is designed differently. There really isn't a man out there who could reasonably be expected to know how to make any woman orgasm so it's your job to show him what you like and what doesn't work. Generally most men aren't going to enjoy sex very much if they think you aren't getting off regularly with them...not long term anyway.
You can either fake it or figure out what it takes to make you climax...either of the two would be preferable to the passive role you are taking right now as his sexual partner. Him shouldering the responsibility will have its limits.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Decent men believe, as I do, that if we can't get the woman off on a regular basis, she'll be unsatisfied and find it elsewhere. On top of that, it's just so *satisfying* to see a satisfied woman. So, yeah, I can see why he would worry.
Sometimes I envy the guys who don't give a crap, though. Seems like it would be much easier.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 It is just about his ego that is all. He feels like he is failing you when he cannot make you orgasm. Just keep reassuring him that you enjoy it weather you orgasm or not. Tell him it is not his fault and just reassure him that he is a good lover.
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