A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do I try to seek closure, when the guy has made it clear?I was dating a guy for a short time (1 month). I wasn't sure if we would be good together, and he just kept working at getting me to like him and I ended up falling for him. He started saying things about being able to love me and wanting to love me and be with me and all of these great things. I was so surprised and floored by how kind he was.He recently got out of jail and was getting back on his feet after going through a difficult period. He admitted his faults, and I respected that he was honest.We had a great time recently and I thought things were going well as he recently told me he felt he was falling in love with me. I was so happy and began to let down my guard.Then he just, out of the blue, told me he was tired of my being too maternal and he was sick of what I said, and he was done with me. He wouldn't tell me what it was that I said that hurt his feelings, and we never had an argument, so I was pretty shocked by his response. He just said he was done with me and to no longer call or text him. He didn't reply to my email apology for saying something that offended him (what it was, I don't know) and when I texted him he just told me he was done with me. Someone in his family had suggested he talk to a professional about some issues he had, and I said the same thing, and he brought it up very angrily and said that he doesn't need to talk to anyone and he is tired of being told that.I feel like I don't know why he was mad at me, other than being too maternal, and no matter how many times I have apologized, he has replied to the apology, just that he is done with me and I should go and date someone else. It is so weird having someone like me one hour and talk about marriage, and within a few hours tell me he is done.Is it wrong to seek some type of closure? I don't want to contact him as I think it would only piss him off. And I want to respect his request. I am just confused about how he changed his mind so quickly.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Do not beat yourself up over this, it's only been a month. So you let the guy into your home and into your heart and things didn't work out...it happens a billion times a day all over the world. Heartbreak is painful, this we know, but you will only suffer for as long as you put yourself through it. A month is nothing in time but if you carry on crucifying yourself over the 'what if's' it could screw up the rest of your life!!! Do you want that?
You sound like you have low self esteem, you sound as if you think you do not deserve better. Maybe this is the first relationship you have had in a long time and your lonliness is making you cling on and over analyse.
You cannot change this bloke, he's been in prison for domestic violence and unless he has had some kind of life changing therapy and has proven a strong and long track record of really changing his ways, I doubt there is a woman on the planet that would want to be hooked up with such a man.
Let it go, let him go, take it as a strong learning curve that you can do much better and that, as a nice and decent person, you deserve better.
Someone else will come along and he will be a distant memory.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice. I do feel a lot better this morning. I had a rough night last night. I just feel like he misunderstood me, and took everything I said the wrong way.He didn't ask for anything from me, so I think he was more embarrassed about the place he is in his life. My being nice may have emasculated him. I apologized to him for that, but he never mentioned it----just sent me cursing texts and emails. Sigh.I just wish he had been more upfront about how he felt. It makes me feel kind of low that an ex-con dumped me. Sigh. And I also feel even more worse because I let this person into my home, and he could have been lying to me the whole time. :( I think I need to just be alone for a while. I don't seem to be attracting the right kinds of guys.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 November 2010):
I too think you had a lucky escape. Domestic violence will always surface again and if a man was jailed for it, it was probably because the offence was very very bad and damaging. He seems to have a very quick trigger and showed you this by changing his opinion of you so quickly even though you had done nothing wrong. Also the fact he couldn't tell you what was wrong is just a smoke screen that people throw up when they want out.
Anyone who tells you they are trouble is someone to be avoided. ou seem like a genuine loving person, so look for that in a partner.
Really don't look for closure, because it isn't there...give yourself closure by seeing this for what it really was and move on quickly.
hugs xxx
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A
female
reader, Dona Suncha +, writes (22 November 2010):
Hmmm - I am wondering if you are asking the question you really intended to ask... Do you really want to know if you have a right to seek closure? Or do you want to know how you could have fallen for someone that was obviously using you for room and/or board and/or to fill an emotional void after just being released from jail - at least until he got back on his feet however "angrily." YOU have done nothing wrong except allow someone to use you. You stated you didn't think the relationship was going anywhere and he stepped up his game. Then suddenly he feels "S"mothered" -- If I were you, I would just appreciate the fact you became free of him when you did. One month isn't long enough to let someone affect the rest of your life. Go on with your life and do yourself a favor. When a man discloses his "faults" to you again - don't be grateful for his honesty - listen to what he is saying to you, because he is telling you about the type of person he is and will continue to be - take that as a warning sign -- thank him for your drink (that you probably paid for) and head on home (take an alternate route - these guys have lots of issues). Once home thank the powers that be you didn't waste any more of your precious time with someone who doesn't appreciate the value of it or you! And if you have a soft heart for those in need - there are plenty of homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and children's hospitals you can volunteer at where the feeling of helping those in need can be met without a wasted moment! Closure is not what you need it's distance - take yours! -- La Dona
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A
male
reader, hiro06 +, writes (22 November 2010):
Yes, its normal to get closure but it seems like he is just making excuse not to be with you. The only reasons I can think of is 1. is not that into you and just wanted sex. 2. he found someone else 3. he is just not ready for a relationship 4. others(drugs, family, anything). In these type of situations is just best to try and forget him and cut all tries to him "Let dead dogs lie". I would just email him saying so wish not to have further contact with him and tell him how you feel so that you get everything off your chest. Try not to read too much into the situation he just got out of jail and may have some issues he needs to work through you never know. Its nothing you did wrong sweetie its him, so just let him be you will feel better afterwards. Here is a qoute "A heart break is just God way of making me realize that he saved me from the wrong one". So, good luck and hope I was helpful.
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A
female
reader, Dona Suncha +, writes (22 November 2010):
Hmmm - I am wondering if you are asking the question you really intended to ask... Do you really want to know if you have a right to seek closure? Or do you want to know how you could have fallen for someone that was obviously using you for room and/or board and/or to fill an emotional void after just being released from jail - at least until he got back on his feet however "angrily." YOU have done nothing wrong except allow someone to use you. You stated you didn't think the relationship was going anywhere and he stepped up his game. Then suddenly he feels "S"mothered" -- If I were you, I would just appreciate the fact you became free of him when you did. One month isn't long enough to let someone affect the rest of your life. Go on with your life and do yourself a favor. When a man discloses his "faults" to you again - don't be grateful for his honesty - listen to what he is saying to you, because he is telling you about the type of person he is and will continue to be - take that as a warning sign -- thank him for your drink (that you probably paid for) and head on home (take an alternate route - these guys have lots of issues). Once home thank the powers that be you didn't waste any more of your precious time with someone who doesn't appreciate the value of it or you! And if you have a soft heart for those in need - there are plenty of homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and children's hospitals you can volunteer at where the feeling of helping those in need can be met without a wasted moment! Closure is not what you need it's distance - take yours! -- La Dona
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to also admit that my friends and family want me to not contact the guy anymore, because even though he has been so good to me, he is a former felon, and he told me that the felony was for domestic violence when we were arguing, which is not what he told me when I first met him.
He doesn't seem like a violent person, though, I know he has that potential. I don't think he would ever hurt me.
I just feel so hurt because he made this huge push to have me fall for him, and once I do, he then dumps me without even looking back. Sigh.
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