A
female
age
36-40,
*icki238
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years now and have trusted him wholeheartedly. We have always been open and honest with each other with a great friendship and he told me that he could never cheat on me. He recently went on a boys holiday to Magaluf about a month ago and told me a few days ago that he kissed someone else and recieved oral sex when he was very drunk. He explained that he was so drunk that he didnt know what he was doing and that once he realised what he was doing he got up and left. He says he feels so guilty and thats why it took him so long to tell me- he said he couldn't face hurting me. He also hasnt told anyone cos he says he feels so ashamed about what hes done. I'm devastated and feel like a fool for ever trusting him now. I can't get the thought of him with someone else out of my head and it makes me sick that he's been having sex with me for the past month. I don't know how I can ever forgive him or understand how he could do it... he says he didn't know what he was doing cos he was so drunk, is that possible? I know how drunk he gets at times and he usually doesn't know what he's doing. Does this mean that he doesn't really love me? I'm so hurt and confused. I've told him that its over until he can put things right again... if he can put things right again. I also have said he needs to sort his drinking problem out. I havn't stopped crying in three days. It hurts more than anything I have ever experienced and don't know what to do. He says he's really sorry but how do I forgive him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): today my boyriend has just told me that he got drunk and cheated on me. i was that distraught that i fell to my knees crying. i thought he was the one....i love him so much...what we had was brilliant and i dont want to lose that.if its worth fighting for,stay with him but make sure that if he messes with you again theres no more chances left.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he did the same except he had sex with another girl that he had a thing for years ago. this was 8 months ago while I was on a month long trip in Europe. he says he was drunk and lonely and doesn't remember anything except using a rubber and not ever kissing her.
for months after he was the biggest you know what, because he felt so guilty. as a result, and because of my own reasons, I cheated as well, with our best friend...
I can safely say he does still love me, loved me when it happened, and loved me the whole past eight months. he just had a moment of weakness. the same goes for me. I have never not loved him. we are better than ever now that we've been honest with each other. we both confessed about a week and a half ago, so this is fresh stuff. we've over come it and have moved on almost entirely. we are buying a new mattress though...
we both had that disgusted feeling about sex afterward. you get over it once you talk and ask him exactly what you want to know. ask him what you need to.
you'll be ok if you stay honest with each other and help each other through this.
I may only be nineteen but I've lived through this horrible betrayal and guilt. I have lived through the death of a best friend, and family, and the loss of a child (though undesired it is still horrifying and heartbreaking)among many of my own mental issues.
please believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about.
just make sure you don't go against each other blindly. talk through this rationally.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, seekingsusan  +, writes (17 October 2008):
Am going through that as we speak...am extremely frustrated at the situation but also know that I could have easily screwed up myself. I don't think a good relationship is worth throwing away over one screw up. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. If it happens again, I would definitely walk. Everyone deserves a second chance...he who is without sin can cast the first stone. I don't see many rocks flying.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): I started a new relationship with a guy who I thought was the one, it got intense very quick and I believed in him so much. He was like no other guy I knew before and I had experienced a pretty horrible relationship before that. He works away and a month into our relationship he got drunk and slept with a girl that he use to live with near where he works away. He never loved her but they had a casual sexual relationship. I was talking to him that night. He was chatting with her at the pub and then went back to her house. I didn't like it and he left. I specified what I thought about cheating. Anyway he ended up going back there, to sleep and to get a lift back to his work the next morning. He slept with her, rang me and told me about 6 hours later. Im devastated, Im angry! It's been a month and a half and Im still with him. But Im so angry, he's sorry for what he did because there was nothing wrong with the relationship we were really happy and I know he really does love me. But I don't understand it and I'm angry because I never will. He spoke about me and how much he loved me but she still didnt mind fucking him. And all his words of trust and understanding what it was like with the hurt that comes from cheating, he still managed to do it. He wants to look at the future, he cant handle talkign about it because of how it makes HIM feel. He was selfish and I hate that about him. The anger is destroying me. It's destroying what we had, I wish most that it was how it was before, when I was happy and could love him freely, now I fight it. How do you deal with something like that? Im sick of selfish people that don't care about the after affects. Alcohol is NOT an excuse. He knew what he was doing and he didn't care. He didn't think it would matter. He didn't think he would tell me. How could he think like that of me??? As if I didn't matter! He doesn't understand my hurt. He can't even handle it when I get angry and talk about it. Thats because of his guilt and because he feels guilty over it!!! Your not the only one, sometimes I get so angry and want to say I need time to myself but Im still holding on to what I know we have/had. I didn't do anything and yet these emotions are killing me. Am I just waiting for the next time?? I always believed once a cheater always a cheater and he's proved well at it.
I have had a hard time believing in forgiveness but I thought I could forgive him because I loved him and through love I could forgive, that will either come in time or I will never accept what he did and the hurt will over ride any positives that there were. Give it time. Thats all you can do, see if you heal and if not, let go. Why do WE always have to hurt?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): when your drunk you probably know what your doing but lose the whole "i shouldnt be doing this thing" like when you get off with your close friends...you just dont realise its wrong.
i understand why your upset but i think you should give him another chance.
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A
male
reader, Lovexpert +, writes (10 September 2008):
having been closely related to a situation like this, I can tell you from experience that:1.) Yes, I'm sure he still loves you and always did2.) There is no valid excuse that "I did it because I was drunk." People know what they're doing.3.) Even though people know what they're doing, it's easy not to realize that it can and will ruin an entire relationship from just that one thing.4.) It may be impossible to restore the trust after that. As much as I wish it were different, you may have to call it quits. To accept him back now, as much as he may love you and have genuine remorse, is most likely reinforcing that the cheating behavior is acceptable under certain circumstances. If you take him back now, what if it happens again? What if he's drunk when it happens? What if it happens again and he just doesn't tell you? See, it puts you in a position where it's difficult to ever trust him again, and trust is the basis of a healthy relationship.5.) Please realize that this is not your fault. He messed up, and obviously didn't (and maybe still doesn't fully) realize the extent of the damaging consequences of his behavior. It was not wrong of you to trust him. These things can happens sometimes, and he should have confessed right away, but can you blame him for being afraid of telling you?Again my final recommendation is that it will probably be necessary to call it quits, but that is the best way to respect yourself and know that you are in a relationship based on trust.
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A
female
reader, confuzzled_in_cville +, writes (10 September 2008):
I was in a similar situation, i messed around with a friend i wasn't attracted to sober. I told my bf a month after the fact and yes it helped but trust isn't in our relationship. it's good that you trusted him but everyone makes mistakes. he could have not told you. but he told you and that shows he cares and is very sorry. don't feel silly for trusting him you still can. just keep him away from booze or be there when he drinks so all he'll want is you. the only way he can 'out things right' is to go back in time and not do it. it's hard for anyone to make right what theyve done, but telling you was the best thing. take it one day at a time. it sounds like you guys have a wonderful relationship and i know both of you can work past this. don't avoid him cause that will make things worse. talk to him and try to resume the relationship as normal and hopefully the good times will help you bury this bad moment.
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