A
female
age
30-35,
*crystalxo
writes:I cannot live with my father because of legal issues between my siblings. I have moved out of there and into my mothers house. She has cheated on my father and continues to have this affair which includes extremely late nights where i cannot reach her. She also leaves the country very often for example, new york and vegas for fun. She notifies me within 24 hours before leaving and then just leaves. When she is home we are always arguing. The house I live in is absolutely disgusting. Dirty dishes, flies, we have even had a mouse problem in the past. Clutter everywhere. I cook, clean, buy my own things. If I speak on these issues, it becomes an argument. I am fending for myself and i feel like the mother. My mother has been behaving like a young girl. She is always lying to my face (even when I already know the truth), she is always partying. She is over 50 years old. I don't like to even eat food from her because i'm scared there will be bugs. if i do find something in my food she says "it's okay just take it out" she brushes it off and it makes me sick. This is flat out neglect. She does not care if I eat or not and when i tell her I haven't she says "I can't help you." I have gone to therapy already and i feel like internally i am healing, but still being surrounded by this crap is messing me up. How do i remove myself from this? I don't want to move out because I'm afraid of suffering
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): Also, your siblings SHOULD be able to contact you (if they are older because they're also adults now) unless one or both of THEM attacked you.... Or if they have a restraining order against you, or you have one against them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): You have access to the internet, so search your local area (or as far as you can travel) for places that support young adults. They may be hard to find, but talk to your doctor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): OP, I think you have a very difficult relationship with your family altogether. My grown up daughter lives with us also, but not because she doesn't have money,( she has a good job), we just desided that it's senseless for her to pay high rent when we have plenty of room. Since she came back from college a year ago, and started living with us again, at 21, she made it clear to us that she is her own person, and she doesn't need to have dinners with us, or be in a same household financially. I don't control how she eats, where and what, and frankly, I don't really want to. My husband and I all day at work, sometimes we meet for happy hours, and I don't have to cook at night. She sometimes doesn't come home till late, and in a morning sheis gone. When we order in, or I cook, ialwaysdo a bit more for her, but often she doesn't even eat it, because she had dinner with a friend somewhere else. I don't think you realize that "mothering" is over. Most people your age don't want it, really. How she was years before is in a past. May be she was not a perfect mother. But for now you are too old to demand this from her. Also I cant imagine my daughter controlling and criticizing my choices and what I do with my leisure time . My advice to you would be to not ever try to understand your parents relationship and especially their romantic lives. You don't know the truth, you don't know what was happening between two of them, you only hear stories. Your mother doesn't need to report to you, and believe me there is a life after 50.
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reader, _crystalxo +, writes (14 July 2014):
_crystalxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy older brother and sister legally can't come in contact with me because of domestic abuse charges. I was attacked at that house. The reason why I have not moved out yet is because of money. This is why I'm working two jobs. I clean the house all of the time but i just feel like if there's two of us, the work can be distributed. I clean everything, she does not clean at all. I have to clean up after the both of us or there will be flies and all of the things i listed above. My biggest problem is priorities. I don't mind if she goes out, its the responsibility lacking and lies she tells that come with it. This has been happening for a number of years, before i was 18 now it has just intensified
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 I agree with the others OP, time to grow up.
You don't have to live with your mom if you don't like it there, you can live alone, with friends, with relatives, with roommates, with a boyfriend... If the hygienic standards of the household do not meet your approval, you can wash the dirty dishes yourself. You can clean MORE. You say you cook and clean, but if there are flies and bugs around, then you don't clean that well, you can do better. OR, you can leave.
As for your mom's social life, I don't see why you are so judgemental. Nowadays 50 is still young, and your mom has not got a husband or YOUNG children to take care of, if she's got the money and time to enjoy herself, good for her. I think 24 hours notice when she leaves is considerate enough, why would you want to be informed about her plans weeks in advance ?. She does not just up and disappear making you worry sick , she tells you before when and where she is going.
As for not being reachable late at night, that's a matter of choices. Personally I keep my cell phone switched on 24/7 just in case , but MY mother ( in her 80s ) does not, she switches it off at night. Maybe your mother reckons that if some weird emergency should happen in those few hours when she is not reachable, you are old , intelligent and mature enough to handle it on your own by calling the police , the firemen, an ambulance, your father or whomever it is appropriate.
You say that you do not want to move out because you are afraid of suffering, then again you are also suffering where you live now. Alas this world is a valley of tears, OP, there are really few places / situations that are perfect and do not involve any degree of adjustment / discomfort / resilience.
You just have to decide where you'd suffer MORE and choose accordingly. If you choose to stay , live your life the best you can , and don't go monitor how your mother lives hers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): Honestly, as has been said, your mum stopped HAVING to care for you the minute you turned 18. So, 18 or 21, you should do a lot to help out and you're old enough to move out if you can't stand the living situation.Now, personally, I think most people would hate living like that, but SO many people have it worse. If you don't like all of the crap you're surrounded by, you HAVE to move out. If you move out and suffer, are you really going to suffer more than you do now?If you won't move out, could you hire a one-off cleaning company to go through every room in the house and clean every inch of it? It would be quite expensive but it would mean it was all done for you and then you would only have to keep it up, rather than try to face it all alone when it's a horrific mess.You basically have the house to yourself. I don't agree with cheating, but your mum has the right to do what she wants and going on spontaneous trips probably isn't a bad thing. Does she pay the bills except food?I think the main problem here, aside from the cleaning, is that this wasn't just a sudden change on your 18th birthday? Have you been living like this since you were still a minor?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): I agree with others that you are not a child anymore. At your age even if you are still 18, you are capable to keep the house clean if its only 2 of you.I clean the whole house for 3 people and a dog and keep it clean. No one but me does it. Why is it expected that your mother needs to clean it but not you at your age? Why dirty dishes around? Wash them, they will become clean. I don't understand why grown up children still expect to be taken care of domestically. First of you don't even need to live in her house. You can find you own appartment and keep it as clean as you wish.,And please you are not in a position to judge how your mother lives her life. She is her 50s and she can party and have lovers as much as she wants,good for her!! She doesn't need to give you advanced notices. May be she sometimes doesn't even plan her trips, they are the last minute decisions.
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reader, oldbag  +, writes (14 July 2014):
At your age you are an adult, your mum is merely enjoying her life, 'maybe' after years in an unhappy marriage she is finally looking out for herself.
If you lived on your own or in a shared house, you would be cleaning up, cooking, doing dishes etc. Your mum doesn't need to do it for you anymore. Nor give longer notice she is going away.
You may want her home, looking after you, caring for you, but sadly it aint gonna happen by the sounds of it.
I would definitely continue with therapy, try to see your dad sometimes and your sibliings if possible, they are family.
You have a roof over your head which is a good thing, you have space because your mum does her own thing, you accept it's how it is, or leave. You have your own life path to follow now so focus on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): I also wasn't sure how to interpret your opening lines
"I cannot live with my father because of legal issues between my siblings."
Are these siblings younger than you and are you staying in the parental home to prevent them from abuse or neglect?
If not, I agree with the other aunties and advise you to start looking for alternative accomodation.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 "still being surrounded by this crap is messing me up" is up against "I don't want to move out because I'm afraid of suffering" It's not a good place to be but expecting this woman to suddenly shape up is probably not realistic. She has her own demons causing her to act in this way.
Your mother is the woman who gave birth to you, but beyond putting a roof over your head she is not a mothering sort. She may have a mental illness, she may be so selfish that she can't see past her own needs or she may be an alcoholic or drug addict.
Sadly, you will have to let go of thinking she will shape up and become a mothering type. She will not.
You are 18-21 so you are grown up enough to look after yourself.
I don't understand what this means: "I cannot live with my father because of legal issues between my siblings." You have other siblings? There are legal issues keeping you from living with your father? That seems like there is a large back-story which is not good.
I would nurture relationships with extended family and friends and treat your mother like an ill-manner guest in her own home. Assume she will not mother you, she doesn't sound capable of it. Assume she will not cook or clean for you, she doesn't sound capable of it.
You will have to find mother figures elsewhere. In the meantime, continue counseling and address the daily life issues with your therapist.
Move out as soon as you can.
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female
reader, fitbabe1987  +, writes (14 July 2014):
you are legally old enough to move out. im assuming if you study you would get study money. move out and just look after your self. you cant blame your mother for not looking after you when you are legally old enough to move out. it also might do her a favour and make her change if no ones there to help her.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 You should count your blessings and surive in spite of the challenges. At least you have a roof over your head and dishes that can be cleaned to eat off of. So many thousands of kids have it so much worse than you do. Bide your time and learn survival skills. This too shall pass. Hang in there and be as respectfull as you can whether she desergves it or not! Growing up is a B&*%#! Being a mother is hard too
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2014):
 You are in the 18-21 age group so you "technically" don't HAVE to live with your mom. Not sure what kind of legal issues that can prevent you from CHOOSING to live with your dad, but you are a LEGAL adult ( I assume Brazil is 18 too).
So what you CAN consider is living with friends, finding a roommate or... be the GROWN up that you are and find a place on your own.
I can't see how living on your own will cause you more suffering then feeling neglected by your mom.
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