A
female
age
30-35,
*arie23
writes:My whole life I have been into sports. I love sports, I love games I love things normal woman don't. I grew up an only child for 12 years and I was basically my dad's son. But I've also been hurt many times by men in my life. So to protect myself I hide my feelings and emotions, and keep things to a minimum...like a guy. Is this too manly? Is this unattractive? Is this why I can't keep a guy in my life? I feel like all guys complain and say they want a girl/woman who is down to do the same things as them, will play games, watch sports and just hang out. I feel like I'm that girl and I have had plenty of guys chase me because I can be girly when I need to be. I can cook and clean and dress up and have fun. I just like to play games and sports and bs around like a guy too. Seems once the guy gets into it he realizes he doesn't like it? I guess I intimidate them? Yet they go into it knowing how I am...should I change my ways? Should I back down? I feel that's compromising who I am and it's also a defense mechanism because I'm tired of being hurt. My current boyfriend has told me to act like a girl..and I'm really hurt by those words. Seems I scare off every man and they would rather be a fwb than a long term boyfriend.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Without recanting anything of my first post, ( I still think that it's all about your Bf's RJ and insecurity ) I must say that after reading Mark's post, I can see he brings up very valid points.
If you act like a buddy, talk like a buddy, send off buddy vibes , ... that's how they'll tend to see you, as a buddy, one of the guys. They may be up for a little sexual something, in a very recreational, "let's blow off steam together" spirit, but they won't see you as a ROMANTIC candidate, someone they could fall for. There's not enough polarity, not enough DIFFERENCE to stir up romantic attraction. I think men want someone whom they can be comfotable, natural and at ease with, but maybe not someone who feels JUST LIKE ANOTHER OF THEM.
I am your opposite, I am a girlie woman.I squeal when I see a mouse, I hate anything that makes me sweat, ruins my make up or makes me sore. I like very girlie stuff, including tryng out new concoctions of herbal teas, seeing fashion shows, visiting bridal salons just for the heck of it , and collecting paper dolls. I don't wear a Shirley Temple bow in my hair because my son does not let me , but if I could I would,lol.
Yet, I would not be attracted by a guy much into MY kind of stuff. Because I have female buddies I can do these things with, and a wonderful gay friend too( I know I know, I am feeding into the stereotype, but he REALLY loves bridal salons and paper dolls ). If I met a man with very " feminine " interests , demeanours and body language, I would feel comfortable, but not attracted / excited / challenged / aroused.
It's a bit of difference that makes thing interesting and intriguing.
So I suppose you'd have to master a bit of a balancing act between never betraying yourself, who you are, what you like, - and still sending off enough womanly vibes to not be JUST like one of the lads. Hard to explain and hard to pinpoint, but I think there's a difference between a though girl who is self confident, no frills, down to earth, and one who is just the Xerox copy of a guy, only with different chromosomes...
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 July 2014):
You had fuck buddies " just like a man "?- lol, if he said that he said one of the silliest and most illogocal things I have read on DC.
Because... men have fuck buddies, right ?...
And WHO are their fuck buddies ( in case of hetero guys, of course " ) ? : women.
In other words, for every man who has a fuck buddy- then there must be a woman who has a fuck buddy , otherwise how would they do the deed ?... it takes two, one male one female to have heterosexual casual sex, so it would seem that it's an activity more or less equally split between the two genders.
Unless your BF thinks that in every town there's only ONE "bad girl" who gets all the dozens or hundreds or thousands of guys who want casual sex. That would support his theory that's it a mostly male thing - but we know things in practice don't go this way. So .. just laugh in his face. If men want fuck buddies, and real women do NOT want fuck buddies,... then whom these men are having sex with, giant pandas ? ...
I think that's what it boils down, some stupid RJ thing.
The rest it's all a smoke screen. Obviously you can't please them all, there will be men who won't be attracted to you because of your sporty interests and attitudes. A violinist maybe, or a librarian; maybe they'd prefer a girl who can sit quietly beside them enjoing a Mozart concert, or helping them with a dfficult crosswords. But a guy who's into fitness and work in a gym for a living ?! He should be overjoyed he has found somebody whom he can talk shop with, and who shares his passions and interests ! In fact, he probably was / is, - otherwise he would have chosen a different kind of woman, someone who in her free time likes knitting , not boxing. So I am pretty sure that this is not about you not dressing in pink or you watching too many sport games- this is about HIM being a neurotic , insecure wuss that needs control over you, your body and your sex life, including your PAST sex life.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Hello,
Although I agree with the other comments that your current partner seems to undermine you and maybe suffers from jealousy or insecurity, it seems this is a reoccurring issues with many men in your life, rather than just one individual. Im a big believer in not changing for anyone and that we should be loved for who we are, but if this is something which is occurring again and again as you post suggests, then maybe its time to reconsider how you are coming across and the kind of men you are attracted to?
"So to protect myself I hide my feelings and emotions, and keep things to a minimum...like a guy"
If you are closed off emotionally then that is something many men do. As you say its "like a guy" so potentially hard for your boyfriend to accept coming from a female partner. Many men tend to hide their feelings and emotions, especially from other males, whereas women tend to express there feelings a lot more, especially to a partner or other women. Maybe you need to work on opening up a little as men may find it hard work to decipher your signals and feelings or find your lack of outward emotion too much like the behaviour of their male friends for it to feel "right" in a realtionship.
"He says I want to be competitive and talk sports with guys and trash talk like a guy and it's not 'lady like'"
Are you considered "one of the lads"? If so then men will usually see you as a mate, a friend, someone to enjoy sport with, go drinking with and so forth, but not always as a potential girlfriend. Men want something very different from a partner to what they would want from a male friend.
"I feel like all guys complain and say they want a girl/woman who is down to do the same things as them, will play games, watch sports and just hang out"
Not ALL guys are like that. Personally I have no interest in sport and wouldn't like to watch it or play, neither do my friends/girlfriends. Some men want a woman who accepts that sport is a big part of their life, and that they enjoy the company of their male friends and being one of the lads, BUT they want the relationship part of their social life to be different to going out with male friends. So if you are really into sport, drinking, being one of the lads, etc then your partner may feel he is dating a "buddy" rather than a "girlfriend", if that makes sense.
"I've always known I wasn't like the other girls/I love things normal woman don't."
In what way OP? Do you have many female friends? If so what do they think about your current and past situations? Do you have any issues with female friends having problems with you in the same way? Are they also intimidated by you in any way?
"it's also a defense mechanism because I'm tired of being hurt./Seems I scare off every man "
Sorry but this defence mechanism is not working as it is making men question your femininity and making you emotionally come across like a guy would and that's not helping. You don't need to be girly, wear lots pink and all of that nonsence, but maybe need to allow your feeling to come out and be less competitive with other men socially. Men usually want a woman to be feminine and being tough, closed off emotionally and having an aggressive style could be perceived by some as being less feminine.
When I say feminine I don't mean girly or cooking for blokes or any of that sexist crap, far from it, but its like me when i was younger - I was too timid, too eager to be pleasant and it wasn't "manly" enough for women to be attracted to me. They saw me as either pathetic or treated me as a baby brother. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have to be a beer swilling, laddish, football obsessed guy who went around flexing muscles and winning fights to be masculine. Likewise you can be feminine AND be tough, work out and enjoy sport with men!
SOME men want to feel like they are manly and protective of a woman and some would find it intimidating if his partner is tougher than he is or feels it undermines his "manly" status. Not all men are like this but, in my experience, those who are competitive and really into sports often fall into that category of competing for the role of Alpha Male. I dont like generalizing but it does sound like these are the type of men you are hanging around with an having relationships with.
"makes me wonder if any man is ever going to be strong enough to handle me. "
That suggests you know it takes a strong, tough guy to handle you and some men may find that either intimidating or hard work. If you yourself are wondering if men have to be very strong to handle you then that suggests you may well be too badass as you put it for men to feel comfortable. Perhaps they feel It makes them look less manly or insecure that you are tougher than they are? There is nothing wrong with being a sporty woman, nor any problem with a women who is strong, confident and physically tough but SOME men, probably those you are attracted to, will find that as less feminine and a threat to their ego.
Maybe you need to allow yourself to be just a little less tough and more feminine, and allow yourself to let your feelings out a bit more and see if that helps.
Mark
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 You act like a girl. Or rather, woman. Because uou are one. But what you and your boyfriend are talking about are gender stereotypes. He wants you to, rather than be normal, be a stereotype. I would dump jim for such an ignorant comment. Act like a girl? You already act like a girl. What he wants seems to be a mother to do his cooking and cleaning, perhaps?
There is nothing wrong with you, and you should not change who you are. Rather, you need to stop dating these little boys who are looking for a mommy...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): No such thing as too manly. Don't fit into some stereotype of what a woman should be. Be proud of who you are and love yourself because there's no other you out there. You will meet plenty of people who love you for who you are without wanting you to change. Be patient. Don't wait until you meet them before you start living your life. Live your life to the fullest everyday and one day he will be Honoured to be part of your exciting life:-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): He means HE wants you to be more passive and submissive sometimes because at first he was draw to the fascination of a girl who behaves very much like a guy - it makes it VERY easy for some guys to chat you up BECAUSE they can just talk to you about guy stuff etc - BUT he is now fed up of it and wants to feel more manly/feels threatened by your demeanour and, possibly, the idea of you both being EQUAL.It's not so much that some guys will be drawn to a sporty girl - they are on the surface, but what's going on underneath is that, for some guys, you are effectively providing 'easy access' psychologically - the normal things that they have to do to 'woo' a girl mean that all their hunting instincts have to kick in and , if a guy lacks confidence in himself anyway, he will ALWAYS go for the easy option first - any girl who seems more approachable for whatever reason, be it sport or because she is just very accommodating - will be their first choice because they lack confidence to try harder. However, what then happens is that because they lacked confidence in the first place, AND they haven't been through the 'chase' enough to feel dominant and like they 'caught' you, their insecurities start kicking back in and they will then expect you to be very submissive in order that they can feel more manly.This is the cycle that you keep going through. It's all about how it BEGINS with these guys - you're effectively creating a situation that will keep repeating. So unless you fancy becoming submissive and being treated unequally, you could just be less accessible in the beginning and then later let guys see your softer side. They have to feel they've chased you or they won't feel like 'men'. Sad, but true - it's just biology kicking in.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (14 July 2014):
 I get the feeling he is too insecure to handle you. He seems worried by your guy-like mindset and threatened. The offhanded comments about your previous FWBs shows as much, he's jealous and upset by your past. It's typical with insecure partners to bring down their boyfriend or girlfriend with small insults. He started dating you knowing who you are so that isn't a problem. And if he wasn't attracted to you then he wouldn't have started dating you in the first place or still be around. Don't worry in the slightest about who you are and definitely don't try to change yourself.
Maybe question whether this guy is good for you though... Anyone insecure enough to put down someone they love to make themselves feel more secure isn't a good choice. Your boyfriend should make you feel you are the best, not that you need to change yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Aren't you a current athlete if you are boxing and going to the gym and working out?
What does he mean by 'closed off'?
Bad ass I know about, one of my friends is a big gym rat and a body builder competitor. She had lots of friends. I have no idea about her sexual past, I never asked, but she is taller than her husband. He's pretty athletic himself, a big bicycle rider.
This guy is the older guy with RJ? Are you sure he's the right one for you? There are probably lots of guys who like you and who wouldn't say mean and abusive things to you, especially as you do things you like and have liked for your whole life, being athletic and in the gym.
What do your girlfriends think?
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A
female
reader, Marie23 +, writes (14 July 2014):
Marie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis idea of me being too "manly" is being closed off, and "bad ass". He works at the gym I go to, which is a boxing gym, and granted I look like a mean chick when I'm there but I'm punching a damn bag! He says I act like a guy and think like one because I had "f*%k buddies" just like a guy does. I'm not proud of that but it happened and I know plenty of girls that have had fwb. He came into the relationship knowing I'm "tough". The first day he met me I was punching a bag and he found it attractive. He says I want to be competitive and talk sports with guys and trash talk like a guy and it's not "lady like". I don't sit there and fart or burp or do any of that. I've just been around sports and boys most my life and I'm a former athlete. I dress like a girl except when I go to the gym. I've always known I wasn't like the other girls but the way he says it really hurt and makes me wonder if any man is ever going to be strong enough to handle me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 July 2014):
Lots of normal women love sports. My next door neighbor is a huge sports fan and she has 2 kids, a husband and a dog. Pretty 'normal' by the standards of the day.
Is this boyfriend you refer to the one you were just dating in May? The one with retroactive jealousy who said mean and hurtful things to you, even though his own past wasn't exactly uneventful?
Can you explain what he meant by telling you to 'act like a girl'? That's so open to interpretation. A 5 year old has a certain idea about what 'act like a girl' means and it is light years away from what 25 or 55 year old might have.
If you are going into FWB (which you mention in another post) and then wind up hurt because they don't become boyfriends, then you need to recognize that having sex before establishing a romantic relationship doesn't mean that you will wind up in that romantic relationship.
Why are you hiding your feelings and emotions? The men I know who are in successful relationships do not hide their feelings and emotions. They don't broadcast them to the world, but they do they make sure their wives or girlfriends are clued into their feelings and emotions.
If you like a guy and want to date him, let him know. If being just a FWB doesn't work for you, don't do the WB thing. Don't have sex with a guy until you know you two are in a relationship that has some chance of a future.
Could you please be more specific about what led your current boyfriend to say that he wants you to act like a girl? That's an odd thing to say, as you say you are girly. My neighbor is very girly and still loves sports!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2014):
 I think you should stick to being who you are. Now if you only "acted" like one of the guy I can see being less "manly" (as you call it, but this is who you are.
I have always been a tomboy, had more male friend then female and was never very feminine, though I am petite.
I would look at the situations where he says for you to act like a girl and ASK him to elaborate. Now if you sit and burp, fart and stick your hand in your pants when watching sports then yea.. tone it down..
To me though I think I would ask what he means and MAKE him spell it out, I would also ASK him what attracted to you in the first place and why it's not not "good enough" for him.
Be who you are. If a guy is decent enough he will see through the defenses.
And no guy rather want a FWB, they TRY and if they get a FWB then they are content till they met a girl who doesn't WANT to settle for FWB. Decide what YOU want and go for it. Do not settle for FWB.
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