A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hmm, okay here goes.So I'm 17 and have been on and off with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. I'm the one who has done the breaking up in the past. We broke up at the end of august last year after being together 6 months, because by the end I just wasn't happy at all and felt like talking to him was just impossible. Everything he did began to irritate me and I just felt so unbelievably alone.A week before I broke up with him I tried talking to him about things because I was stressed and miserable, instead of being supportive he said and I quote"You're not the only one with stress, wake up and smell the coffee!"As you can imagine i went absolutely ballistic, this definitely confirmed my decision to end it between us.I also kind of notice my self esteem lowers when we are together. I'm not sure why that is though?Anyhow, every time we break up I end up missing him and going back to him. We got back together on Valentines day this year therefore we've been together just over a month.Here's the problem though, I found out my friend majorly likes me and we talk every night until like 4am just about everything getting to know each other more and laughing. He makes me feel so good about myself. I've told him I love him and he's told me he loves me too, and since this has been going on I haven't wanted anything to do with my boyfriend whatsoever, I don't even want to see him.I will never, and never have loved my boyfriend, despite telling myself time and time again that I do I just know deep down that I don't. This guy I have fallen hard for tells me he would "run a thousand miles to be with me" and "do anything to make me happy" and he asks me things about my current boyfriend such as "would he stick up for you if someone hurt you?" and my obvious answer would be no he probably wouldn't.I've never wanted to be with someone more, he makes me happier than anyone ever possibly could. He's perfect for me, he would fit in with my family too! That's another thing, my boyfriend told me i'm never meeting his mum ! :| Which as you can expect I wasn't all that happy about.My boyfriend isn't the manliest of men either, in fact the other guy who I love does athletics and he's manly and the complete opposite of my boyfriend.I just don't know whether to break up with my boyfriend so soon into getting back with him, he can be sweet and I feel safe and familiar with him. I also worry too much about what other people think, I'm rarely single and I'm always breaking up with my boyfriend they might be like what again?!!I know I shouldn't care about what they think...I'm also worried about if I did break up with him I would end up wanting him back again, though I'm thinking that's highly unlikely this time. Why do I go back to him? Do I just get lonely and go back to the ex because I can?!What do you think?The person who I've fallen for also says he would wait however long he had to to be with me, I think it's unfair to make him wait. When at the end of the day I'm not going to be happy with my boyfriend seeing as i'm thinking about the other guy literally 24/7!And he's told me he's wanted me for over 2 years now, only just plucked up courage to tell me.Heeelp :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a million for your help people, I really appreciate it.
You have helped me realise what I need to do.
I'm taking all of your suggestions on board, thankyou for the excellent advice x
A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (23 March 2009):
i think you know the answer, you cant be with a person living on the 'what ifs' and 'theres always the future'... it doesnt work, people dont change all that much, you just get more used to them and if you didnt like him much in the first place 2 years down the line i doubt your feelings wil have changed. rather than jumping straight back in why not take everything in? take a long look at whats happened, why it ended like that and whats next for you. rather than running before you can walk actually stop and take control so the next situation is more organised and a more happy relationship.
lonliness haunts us all at some point in life, its nothing to be ashamed of its a way of life that we all experiance and learn from.
read the fist few bits of your post, your negative comments about your boyfriend summed up your true feelings yet you ended on questioning it! from what id read you had already decided and there was no question to ask. make a descion and stick to it, learn from the past dont repeat it.
unless you decide what to do, and only you can, you are putting everyone at risk of being hurt and by the way the guy you know already knows you have a boyfriend yet hes still 'waiting' really you see him as boyfriend material? doesnt sound the caring type really, just because he ticks all the boxes does not mean hes right for you.
they say we all have a mr right, some find them straight away, some find them after years of experiance and others never make it to meeting them, i dont think youve found yours yet and until you know who and what you really want i dont think you ever will. dont just make do, actually be happy and enjoy a relationship, its not all tears heart break and break ups.
if your saying you love somebody else whilst with your boyfriend then like i say you know the answer, you dnt love your boyfriend that is clear so gently tell him it really is the end, once youve done this stick to it its no game any more. sort what you want and then decide the next step, people can give you all the happiness in the world if there not right for you then its pointless.
sorry this was so long
its your descion only you know whats best but i hope this in some way has helpped
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 March 2009):
 You have to end things with your boyfriend, it is not fair on him that you are having an "affair" with another guy. While you havent physically cheated by the sounds of it, you are emtionally cheating on your boyfriend with your new man. Do the right thing here and end things once and for all with your boyfriend. You dont even have to tell him that you have met someone else, just say something like "I thought we could go back to how we once were together but I just dont feel the same about you anymore".
Once you have ended things with your boyfriend then I'm pretty certain you wont end up going back to him. I know how it feels to keep going back to an ex - they are like a comfort blanket, someone you know will always be there for you and that knows you really well as a person. You always go back to the ex because it is the easy option - no hard work in getting to know someone knew etc.
You are also used to being in a relationship and probably dont have much of an idea of how to cope as a single person, this is natural for someone after they come out of a long term relationship. You get lonely and the easiest and fastest way to end the lonliness is going back to the ex! You also dont miss the person, you end up missing the comfort of a relationship. So while you are not in love with your boyfriend, you are just in love with being in a relationship and crave that feeling once it ends!
But now you have met this new guy I think he has made you realise what you want in a boyfriend and he has shown you that your boyfriend is not the right guy for you.
So once you have finished things once and for all with your boyfriend (make sure he knows it is final, and that there will be no getting back together in a couple of months time) - then it is your choice whether you get together straight away with your new guy or you wait a little while. If I were you, I would wait maybe 2-3months. You seem concerned about what people think of you, and you also seem concerned that you have never been single. So what you should do is tell your new man that you need some time alone, just to have some space and be on your own for a bit. This will show you that you are strong enough to not run back to your ex every time, and this will further confirm your decision to end things with your ex.
While you are having this time out from relationships, stay in touch with your new guy. I know it isnt fair to make him wait but if he is willing to give you the time you need then it is clear you have a special guy there. Carrying on as you are with him wont hurt while you are having the space you need - you can still talk on the phone, maybe even go out on dates every now and then. Just dont jump straight into something serious with him, you need to learn that you can be alone without a boyfriend to be there as your "comfort blanket". And you will have something to look forwards to at the end of your time alone, seen as you will have your great new guy there waiting for you!
But I wouldnt blame you for just giving in to temptation and getting together with your new guy, he sounds like a great guy and you wont want to lose him so it would be no bad thing if you just started dating him after you ended it with your ex. But just do what feels right for you - I'm sure if you wanted to wait a little while, 2 or 3 more months wont make a difference to your guy if he has liked you for 2 years!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, meg2989  +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Well honey The only real advice I can give you, is that you need to do what makes you happy. You need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him that you just arent really happy with him, and that you just arent in love with him. Make sure you stress that its nothing that hes done, you just feel that you two arent right togther. Tell him he would make many other girls happy. You need to do this for you. You cant stay in a relationship that you arent happy in for the rest of your life. As as going back to him well, tell himyou want to stay friends. Because I'm sure you have a great friendship, but if you arent truly in love with him, dont convice yourself you are. You simply cant be what you are not, and it sounds like you arent in love with him. But do your bf a favor and maybe wait at least a month or two before dating another guy. lol I hope that helps even a little bit. Good luck honey!!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (23 March 2009):
 life is way to short to spend time on someone who does not deserve it! you need to dump your boyfriend, he isnt worth the hassle when you have a boy ready to treat you like a princess!!
i would dump your boyfriend and then spend a week alone, dont get with the other guy straight away, just use the week to clear your head and sort your feelings out.
dont waste time with someone who lowers your self esteem!!! thats a horrible thing to live with! and if he wont even let you meet his mum then that tells you something, he must not love you enough to let you meet her (unless there are circumstances which are beyond him not loving you, for example: i havent met my boyfriends biological father yet as he is not a very nice person. )if his mother is normal then there should be no excuse!!
dont stand up for this, dump him asap. i know it will be hard but you need to do this to be happy!!xx
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