A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was with my boyfriend for three years. I didn't think we had any problems,only trying life circumstances, but since he ended the relationship by cheating on me, I've found out he was unhappy.The thing that shocks me about the break up is that I didn't know he was unhappy. He didn't communicate his problems to be, if I had known, I would've tried to change.His unhappiness came from his wish to go out and socialise more. We would go out together around three times a week (once or twice with other friends) and one night a week he would go to parties with his own friends. I never enjoyed the parties, they were too extreme, so I wouldn't go. He would always stay at the parties for as long as possible - 24 or 36 hours - but I wished him to come home some time in the morning, before 6am, so that we could spend some of the weekend together.I never had trust issues with him going to these parties. However our break up was instigated by him attempting to have sex with a girl he knows (and whom knows me) at one of these parties. He says he remembered he had cheated when he spoke to me on the phone, around 12pm the next day. He had tried to have sex with the girl, and they were alone in her bedroom, only she rejected him at the last moment. After he remembered and spoke to me he said he felt immense guilt. After he spoke to me the guilt overwhelmed him, so much so that he ended the relationship by text message.I was initally shocked and angry - I found the girl on Facebook and sent a spiteful message. I regret that now. However, the most difficult feeling to face is that I now responsible for his cheating. I feel as if I caused him to cheat on me, and that even though I was not aware, I was controlling him and making him unhappy.My sense of self has been totally shattered. I now feel like a horrible person who controlled her boyfriend and made him unhappy. We had being arguing about his party lifestyle leading up to the break up, and also our sex life had seemed disconnected for a month or so (but I think this was because of my trying life circumstances and not because I was unhappy with him).I have also been wondering if he cheated on me to end the relationship, maybe because he felt he couldn't get out any other way. I think this may be true because he didn't try to save the relationship. I sensed resolve in him immediately after the event.Primarily I'm writing to share my story, because expressing my feelings helps. But I would also be interested to know whether anyone else here has felt guilt themselves, when they were cheated on by their partner. I feel I was a bad friend, I feel I didn't give him enough attention, and I feel that I pushed him away to cheat.I don't think we will ever get back together. But I would like to develop and grow from this experience. It kills me that I didn't know what my best friend was thinking, and that I made him unhappy. I would have done anything to salvage our relationship.And finally, how can I move on and stop feeling guilt about this? My rational mind knows that we are both responsible, but I can't help but focus on what I did wrong. Hope you can help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): I don't see anything to feel guilty about here. He wanted to go out and party all the time for hours at a time and he ended up cheating on you. That is not the behavior of someone who really wants to be or who is mature enough to be in a relationship. Nothing you did was wrong here and nothing you could have said or done would have made any difference probably even if you had talked to him about whatever other problems you had. I agree he probably cheated to get out of the relationship which is a really lousy thing to do. Stop beating yourself up. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 December 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps you didn't sit down with each other to talk about any issues, often enough.
Most differences can be sorted out through good communication, so that at least anything bothering either of you can be aired and discussed, and then come to some suitable compromise.
You both obviously had some things that slightly bothered you about each other.
What might have happened, is that individually, you both thought that to bring up something that bothered you about the other, was like nagging.
The truth however, is that unless you do talk about what irks you, it's only going to get worse over time.
What needs to be clear in a relationship, is to have a chat about what you don't like, as soon as it first happens, and starts to become a problem.
The longer you leave it to say something, the other person just assumes that it doesn't bother you too much - because you haven't spoken up.
And in the absence of you saying something about it, well then the other person will keep on doing whatever it is that annoys you.
The truth is, they can't change things if they don't know, can they? So they can't improve in any way - unless you DO say something to them.
And the longer it goes on - and you allowing it - well then all that's happening is they are pushing the boundaries to see how much they can get away with.
And also what then happens, is they start to think that you don't mind taking crap from people, which could come across to others as having a lack of self respect.
It's not possible to know whether he will come back to you again, he might or he might not.
The really important thing to gain from all this now, is to learn from the experience.
The best lesson to learn from this experience, is in future relationships, tell them that you don't like something and let them know how it makes you feel when they do that.
The crucial time to do this, is as soon as it becomes a problem to you. Don't wait weeks and weeks or even months. You have to nip it in the bud early.
At all times though, you need to show kindness, love, respect and dignity - so they know you are not just picking on them.
If you say nothing, everything stays the same.
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (26 December 2011):
 first of all you should not feel guilty. He is the one that cheated you have nothing te be guilty for. If he was unhappy he should have communicated with you and told you so that you could have both tried to work on the relationship. please dont blame yourself. Keep your eyes open there are a lot of loyal single men out there and im sure you will meet one who can make you happy.
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A
male
reader, Daddybear +, writes (25 December 2011):
I undastand completly with u, its like u discribed my life, and by the sounds of it you are beta of with out him, unles you really feel for this guy, and luk past the issue.
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