A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why do i always ruin my relationships through paranoid jealousy?I have recently entered into a new relationship and as soon as i saw love forming i started to mistrust my partner. I have an insane paranoia and do not trust her whenever she is out. I do not mention anything to her but i feel myself inflicting unnecessary wounds on myself by thinking she is lying and cheating. I live with the hurt for a while until it festers and turns into me wanting revenge. I do this in every relationship and i want to stop so i can settle and be comfortable and happy. The big one is coming this weekend. She is off to skeggy with her mates on the singles/80's weekend. I know that by friday night i will hate her as i will never believe that she didn't cheat. She thinks that on monday when she returns that i will be waiting for her. I won't because i will hate her and will never speak to her again. She does not know what the result will be. She knows that I am not happy at the minute but i can't tell her why as i class this as bullying her and i certainly am not a bully and would not want her not to go because of me. Her 3 friends she is going with are single and one of them only became single 2 weeks ago because her husband left her because she had been cheating for 2 years. Please help because i am destroying myself. look forward to your replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I was the last anonymous poster btw. I think that really says something about her love for you that she would go to counselling with you to support you. I see 2 psychologists for paranoid jealousy and related issues. It almost becomes OCD doesn't it? Like chocolate cake only leads to more chocolate cake until you make yourself sick, negative thinking, paranoia and jealousy only leads to more of the same until you make yourself sick.
Have you found some reasons in yourself for this? Maybe counselling will help you to. Remember you will only get out of it what you put into it, like with anything ;)
People have funny relationships with family. Sometimes it's love/hate. You choose your friends, she chose YOU, therefore don't feel that she will treat you the same way as a sister she may be incompatible with. But I can understand that is something you see and don't like in her personality. There is always some unspoken obligation you feel to family, whether or not you like them or get on with them, maybe that is why she went, so that her sister could go and have fun and not be uncomfortable alone.
You will be able to talk to her on Monday, until then what you need to do for yourself is distract yourself from thinking about this. See friends, clean the house, attend to any work/hobbies/projects, volunteer to help out somewhere, write out everything you think and feel and try to get it out of your head and onto paper, put it in a drawer and distance yourself from it, try and absorb yourself in anything (healthy) you can. You have to TRY to do these things or you will go crazy. You're not alone in dealing with this, sometimes I feel like I'm counting the minutes until I feel better and that can take days, the time is better spent doing something active and beneficial, it passes quicker and often puts you in a better head space to communicate and deal effectively with the problem, you may even feel somewhat differently by Monday.
I hope I have written something here that provides you with some relief. You're not alone, and you have the capacity to resolve this in yourself, but you do not have to think about that now, you just have to simply do. Take care.
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 October 2010):
Be careful not to give her an ultimatum "it's stay with me and show you support my problem or go with your mates and show you don't care about me"
If her friends arn't that great, she'll come back and tell you she had a rubbish weekend.
Maybe after what you told her, she needs a weekend to get away and think about it all. That's not such a bad thing.
Try as best as you can to keep yourself occupied whilst she is away.
Try and see this as your first step on the road to dealing with your jealousy.
Remember to own your problem and not put it on to her. For example, saying that you are heart broken because she wouldn't cancel her holiday for you. It is her holiday, she has probably saved money and looked forward to it. It would be selfish of you to expect her to drop it at your news.
I really think Cerberus gives good advice. The core of this problem is about your own inadequacies. Get out there and really improve your life. When you do, you'll have so much going on that you won't mind your girlfriend going away with her friends. In fact, she will most likely prefer to want to go away with YOU because you'll appear so much more interesting and fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all of you so much. Please please reply to this post.
Last night i told my GF all about my insane paranoid jealousy. I told her i would get councelling immediately and she agreed to come to councelling with me to support me. I also told her that i would be in such a state by monday that 4 days stewing would tip me over the edge and i didn,t want her to go as i wouldn't be able to ever speak to her again. I also explained that her mates would be upset with her too. I left her to make her own deccission. She has gone with her mates. She told me she loved me and we could work it out when she got back on monday. I was devastated. The real truth is that she has never said a good word for her mates. She has pulled her down behind her back for years and said she hates her. Her mate who's husband left is actually her sister. She does not like her entire family and has only ever talked bad about them, her sister being the worst. Her sister had not spoken to her for 6 months and the first time in 6 months silence she asked my GF to go to skeggy as her other mates had dropped out and she couldn't go alone. I do not think that i could ever look her in the eye again. She is so 2 faced with her family that she would be so 2 faced with me.
Heart broken.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): You must be aware of some reason in yourself for this. Has your gf actually done anything to warrant this? If not, you are being very unfair on her, think how hurtful and FRUSTRATING it would be to be mistrusted FOR NO REASON. It sounds like you have had good reason in the past and have been hurt by SOMEONE ELSE. If that is the case you need to deal with and resolve that pain. That person has a whole diff set of traits, experiences and agendas to your current gf. Not ALL women are like that one person, even if it was more than one person, not all people are alike. She is also NOT the same person as her friend who has cheated. I have close friends who have been highly promiscuous, had bouts of alcoholism etc. These are ppl I relate to and identify with, but for a myriad of diff reasons, and go to parties with, yet I've hardly ever drank and have never been promiscuous. She is an adult and able to make her own decisions for herself, regardless of what others may be doing around her.Have you been hurt? Please try to find a way to stop carrying that around with you and into new relationships. If there is no real reason to feel this way with this girl, use this relationship to heal your past, to replace those feelings with feelings of love and trust. Do you love her and trust her? Can you? Find these things out from her and find them in yourself and stop being unfair to her and thwarting your chance at happiness. I tend to agree with serenity80's first comment, and if that is how you feel about her think about what you are doing before you drive her away and ruin things for yourself. Concern yourself with REALITY, not your overactive IMAGINATION. Something I must endeavour to do myself! It is not fair for anyone to be guilty until proven innocent. Also, go out with her more! And great advice Cerberus, wow that really kind of moved me, to hear a guy dealing with body issues etc. I struggle with myself. Kudos to you!!I destroy myself daily too with obsessive paranoid jealousy over my bf's use of pornography and recently I thought he was thinking about other women while masturbating. Do you do these things? Have you cheated in the past, are these feelings coming from something YOU have done that you superstitiously feel you will be payed back for? Just something that sprung to mind reading your post. I wish you peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): My ex ruined our relationship through paranoid jealousy i begged him to seek help and he never did just denied he had a problem,blamed me and got rid of me instead so much easier than to accept responsibility
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Yeah you need to go seek counseling this is not a simple matter of jealousy, this is overbearing obsession and paranoia.
You need to get to the root cause of this, ask yourself questions about when you first started to feel this way, was there ever a time when you didn't. Can you pinpoint an event or time in your life that led you down this path. If you can find something and come to terms with that then it will help. If this is something you have just always felt then it could be a symptom of an undiagnosed mental condition.
Overbearing jealousy and possessiveness usually stem from insecurity, from self devaluation, low self esteem, depression and a number of other things.
I think your case is too extreme not to warrant some professional help, it is having too much of a negative impact on your mental and physical well being for you to let this go on. Go see your doctor and tell them about this, be open and honest and ask them where you can go to get help.
Do a search through this site for other questions relating to jealousy, reading others stories and the answers people gave those posters will broaden your view on the subject.
I have been prone to bouts of jealousy too, to the point where I too began to despise my girlfriends for things they wouldn't even do, just the thought that it was possible was enough to set me off. For me it was due to insecurity and also because while they were out I had nothing better to do than just be at home thinking about it. So I worked on both of those.
I spent a long harsh few weeks bringing up painful memories, analyzing myself, who I was, where I wanted to be, listed all my perceived flaws (physical, mental and emotional) and I set out a plan to fix those. I did also list my strengths and good points too, just to balance myself out and have something positive to motivate me.
Physically I wasn't happy with my body, so I started working out, eating right, bought new form fitting clothes, began dance lessons, took up martial arts, yoga, the list goes on and I was very extensive. I set about improving every aspect of my body I could think of, from fat content, flexibility, to balance, to posture even as far as to improve my mannerisms and body language.
My methods might seem extreme and they were, but in my mind an extreme problem needed an extreme solution. I have to live the rest of my life with this body and I have the ability to make it a well oiled and highly efficient vessel.
Mentally I was equally as thorough, I started a college course, began broadening my reading material and personal research into areas I deemed useful. Psychology, history, military history, computers, philosophy, sociology, science, biographies again the list goes on. I wanted a brain that equaled my body.
Emotionally things started to pick up while I was doing my other improvements but to supplement that, I added other activities to make myself more outgoing, more goals to attain and with one I gained a sense of pride. I got my own show on a radio station, I learned the guitar, I learned a new language etc.
Constantly striving for self improvement, improved every aspect of my life to the point where jealousy just faded, I began to love myself and the person I was becoming and could no longer see any reason why the girl I was with wouldn't feel the same about me. Why have a burger when there's an attractive, fit, intelligent, happy, confident and loving steak at home.
I suppose looking back one of the most important things about all that was the fact that was I constantly busy with something, I didn't have time to stew in my own thoughts or imagine what she was up to while I was not around. I was too busy watching a documentary about the cuban missile crisis while on the rowing machine or scripting my next radio show while practicing salsa.
At the end of the day I have such a good life now that I don't see how it's possible for my girlfriend to not want to share in that. She's important to me but so is my life and I'm not afraid of her leaving or cheating because I have nothing to fear from being without her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): It's good that you have recognised the proplem, as that is the first step in solving it.I think you need counselling. Ask your doctor about it. Once you sort the problem out you will hopefully be a lot happier.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (6 October 2010):
You obviously love this woman or at least have deep feelings of wanting to be with her, or you wouldn't feel this jealousy.
Personally I think your first step should be to sit down and tell her your problem. Be VERY careful to explain it in such a way that it is YOUR issue and that she has not done anything wrong. It is very easy for the jealous person to put blame on the other person. The truth is, people RARELY ever do something to purposely hurt another person.
Tell her how consuming it can be. Tell her it is totally irrational, and that she doesn't need to change because of you. Own your problem and tell her that you are going to sort it out.
Second step. Do you think this paranoia will slowly sort itself out, as you develop as a couple? If not... especially at your age: Councillor experienced with relationships and jealousy. Have a look at the RELATE website and find one there. See the hourly cost as an INVESTMENT in to your relationship and a happy future.
Remind your girlfriend how much you mean to her and that you are going to sort out your own issues.
Sounds like counselling will be good for you, you should find insight about your behaviour. Everyone wants to be loved, and is afraid that they are not enough. So don't feel like this problem isn't fixable. It is. And if this women is right for you, she will be there for you as you fix this.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 I think you need professional help to determine the cause for this and perhaps a proper solution. I can only tell you that your issues with your girlfriend are uncalled for and unecessary. You know that already. Ask yourself this, is there anything she can do to prove that she is faithful to you? If the answer is no, then perhaps you are not ready to be in a relationship. You are only ready when you can trust completely. Obviously, be aware that there are possibilities, but do not EXPECT them to happen and do not assume that they already have. Set guidlines for yourself. If you find 3 pieces of hard, undeniable evidence that she is being unfaithful, confront her about it. Until then, assume that your paranoia is obviously wrong.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): It sounds like you are carrying an issue from a previous relationship into all of your future relationships. You may have to back track some and address what happened to make u feel this way. Ask yourself questions as to what the "trigger" event was when this started developing. Start from there and then try to analyze logically why things happened the way they did.
Id be paranoid as shit too pal. In any open society, temptation is everywhere. However, unless you dont have a reason not to trust you should trust her. You follow that reasoning? Sounds like everything is okay. Id bring this up with her...communication is key bro. Tell her how u feel and what you told us here. It is clearly understandable and u come across a nice fella. I feel once u get these feelings out to her, she can help with it. Two heads are better than one...and even when two are down there lol ;)...all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I would say just try and talk yourself out of those thoughts, and reassure yourself that she is not cheating on you and if she loves you it's unlikely she'd cheat.
However your feelings of jealousy and paranoia seem to be really deep-seated and are taking over your personal life. I would suggest you perhaps seek counselling to overcome this problem, because it seems somewhat serious. Maybe you should also let your partner know that there is a problem and what you're seeking counselling for. It might not be so much that you don't trust her personally, it's just that the problem lies within you (if you say this then she'll know you're not pointing the finger at her).
Maybe you feel mistrustful so much because if you expect them to cheat then you feel as if if they do, then it won't hurt so much because you "knew it all along." But you shouldn't think this way. Anyway i hope you decide to get counselling because i think it would really help, and i wish you luck.
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female
reader, kerbear75  +, writes (6 October 2010):
Well first of all you would have to find out why you are feeling this way. Has this been a reality for you, has someone done this to you?
Either way, not everyone you date should pay the price. Councelling would really help because you would be able to find ways to alter the thinking pattern you have been so use to.
I would venture to say that you probably deep down convince yourself they cheat on you in fear that they will, so that you can be the one calling the shot. By telling yourself ahead of time you are going to do this, you are controlling the relationship, and if you were to trust her, you would be completely out of control and at risk of being hurt.
I think you have a reasonable complaint with this one though. I would not be okay with my man going on a singles even with his single buddies. I would also question his morals if he was friends with a man who was cheating on his wife for 2 years. This is something that woman usually dont except even from friends.
Good luck and I hope you find the start of the path to healing. Love is worth getting hurt, because when you find the love..... there is no feeling like it!
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