A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi:I am sixty-on years old and have been happily married to my second wife for thirty-five years now. I have had three children from my second wife (two boys and one girl). My profession during my career was engineering; however, because of the crippling arthritis in both knees, both hips and in my back, forced me into early retirement in 2001 when I was fifty-on years old.In October of 1968, my school sweetheart ran away from home in Toronto, Ontario, and came out to find me in Winnipeg, Manitoba when I was in the army. At that time she refused to go back home so I arranged to rent a motel room with cooking facilities for two weeks until I was able to send her back to her family. During that time she was only seventeen and I was eighteen years old and of course we both made love over that period of time making me feel obligated to marry her. We finally got married (this was my first marriage) on February of 1969 and were married for only three and an half years. Through that three and a half year period she refused to use any type of birth control because that is what her church required of her.During the month of January 1972, she was recovering from a very difficult birth from my second daughter and suffered from an acute case of post pregnancy depression. At that time my Mother had left my Father one year earlier and he was very lonely. From January to May of 1972, she had a part-time job as a waitress in the evenings so my Father offered to give her a ride back and forth to work so that I could look after the kids.At that time period there were numerous instances that showed that both of them were acting inappropriately with each other and I would just simply refuse to believe that my Father would do something like that. In May of 1972 when I came home after work one day, she had left with both of my children and never left a note saying what was wrong or where she was taking my girls. I waited almost a whole year before I got to see my girls again and during that time she had applied for a divorce that my Father had paid for and because it was uncontested the divorce went through in less then a year. The reason why I never contested the divorce was because I could not believe that she would do that.Over the next two years I had weekly visiting rights with the girls and saw both my wife and my Father acting like a married couple. I still couldn’t believe what was happening even when I found them on a date one time at the drive-in where she was dressed in very sexy clothes and sitting beside him in the front seat. I would witness many other run-ins like that and this was literally tearing me apart; however, every time I would confront them about my findings they would get indignant about the conversation and deny that anything was going on between them.It wouldn’t be until May of 1974, when I had to drop off my hospitalization card to her that I would get the shock of my life. I had finished very late at work and dropped the card off at her apartment at about 2:00 AM in the morning. She lived in a high rise apartment on the fifth floor. When I went to put the card in the mail slot in the door, there was only one light on in the hallway where I notice a pair of brown men’s shoes sitting in the hall. Immediately, the blood rushed to my head like a bullet and my heart started beating like a big base drum and then the shock of all shocks; I heard the voices of both my wife and my Father coming from the bedroom.I immediately knocked on the door and I saw my wife come out from the bedroom wearing a scanty baby doll nighty running around the apartment in a complete panic. After waiting for ten minutes she finally opened the door and kept saying over and over again “Don’t get the wrong idea nothing was going on”.My adrenalin was so high at the moment and I said to them both “How could you both ever do something like this with both of my daughters sleeping in the other bedroom”? Of course, once again they both denied everything. I was so mad that I punched two large holes the outside door that went to the balcony. My Father was stupid enough to say “Now look at what you did to the door”. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and literally lifted him off of the ground and was going to beat the life out of him but I stopped and let him down and simply walked out of the apartment. He has my Dad and I just couldn’t hit him. Over the next week or so I had almost gone over the edge and was planning to break into the house that I was raised in and find his .22 pistol and clip and hide in the tree that over hung the front door of the house and shoot both of them dead and then shoot myself.Had I gone through with these irrational plans they would both be dead and I would spend the next thirty years in prison for killing them. The only thing that was stopping me, were my two daughters. I knew had I committed this atrocity that both girls would either be adopted by someone else or even worse spend the rest of the youth in foster homes. So it was then that I dropped that idea and then decided to get as far away from them as I possibly could and took the first plane that went to Thompson, Manitoba, where I would work in the mines.Before I left I had to see my daughters one more time. I told them both that I loved them dearly and that I had to go away for a long time and that I would be back some day when they were older.It was at this time in 1974, that I would go out west and start a whole new life. I would find another woman that appreciated the love I had to give and she gave me three more beautiful children and we have been so happily married ever since; however, those troubles that I faced would not be over.I finally went back to see my girls again eighteen years later in 1991, the only problem was that I had to go through both my Father and my x-wife to see them. It was then that I finally had to forgive them for what they did. At that time I found out that my catching them in the act also shocked them enough to start breaking off their affair and that she also got married a second time which only lasted less then a year and she was divorced again. To this day she has never been able to keep a relationship intact for any length of time. Both girls however, still look at my Father as their Dad and that the two of them were their parents. Sadly, for eighteen years now, I have tried continuously to be a good Father to the girls with not success. My oldest daughter went as far away as she could to start a new life and forget the past and now works in Dallas, Texas, as an O.R. nurse. And my other daughter lives in Toronto while I still live out west here in Edmonton, Alberta. Both girls after all this time, even after all that I have told them still look to him as their Father and that I am nothing more then a distant acquaintance with the title “Dad”.When I first met my girls after that length of time, I truly thought that I could win them back again if they could only see my good reputation that was just the opposite to that of my Father’s. I tried to show them that I worked very hard at being kind and loving to others and that I wasn’t a selfish narcosis like my Father and that I didn’t lie steal, cheat or live a life of infidelities as my Father did. It never mattered what I did, I could not reach their hearts. They would only believe the lies that their Mother told them over the years and ignored everything that I would do or say to them. For that eighteen year period that I had to leave them, I would be tortured every day wondering how and where they were and if they were safe. I knew the consequences if I went back before I was ready. Unfortunately they could never understand that. It would have been far less painful had they died way back then because I would have mourned their death and would have been able to go on with my life. This was just one never ending pain that would never go away.To this day I still live the terrible pain and flashbacks of 1972, even though I have had such a happy and successful marriage to overcome those times. These are wounds unfortunately that just never heals. I have learned that it never pays to be unkind to others no matter who they are. The consequences of one’s bad decisions and actions can last for generations so it is wise to be kind and loving to others so that things like this never happens.When my Father finally died in January of 2001, we spent about two hours on the phone where it seemed like he was constantly in tears stating how he wished that he had been a better Father when I really needed him. He also stated that he was so sorry for hurting me so badly in the way he did by having an affair with my wife. I guess that this was some sort of atonement for what he had done and for that short period of time there was as certain degree of peace between us.The only problem I have now is trying to win back the hearts of my girls. I’m getting old and very tired and can only hope that I can accomplish this task before I die.Yours trulyTired and frustrated
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (6 October 2010):
 I'm not sure I have much by the way of advice -- I found your story engaging and more than anything I just wanted to thank you for sharing it.
There are all sorts of comments I could make about your father and your first wife, but they're not the point. The point is your kids. They're now in their mid-30s, each of them lives more than 2,000 miles away, and neither recalls a time when you were a meaningful presence in their lives. That leaves you with an uphill battle, as you're well aware.
The only suggestion I can make is to maintain a level of contact with which each of them is comfortable. If that's one phone call a month, or one email a week, whatever. Let them know that you care and that you're interested. They're coming up to the stage in life where many people want answers to questions about their lives and families. With any luck they'll begin to seek more from you. But given the circumstances, I think you need to wait for them to take some initiative.
With so many of the questions we see here involving men not taking responsibility, your devotion to your kids is wonderful to see. I wish you all the best.
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