A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can i break up with my girlfriend? Im not sure if i even want to. We have been together for three years. We have been having problems recently. She told me she was not sure where we were going, that we were stuck in the same old patterns doing the same thing etc. and we went on a break for a couple of weeks. We dont live together. I was surprised at what she said, as i thought we were doing ok, better than ever in fact. It was very sudden and i wasnt expecting it at all. After the two weeks break she got in touch a told me she missed me. We agreed to see each other and she confessed to me that the real reason for the break and her feeling off with me was because she had a "crush" on some other guy she knew. Nothing happened between them though (he doesnt even know how she felt) and she wanted us to continue as we were before. I wasn't mad that she had a crush on someone else particularly, but i was mad at the overly dramatic way in which she handled it. I agreed though that we should carry on as before and try to make things work. Since then however, i have been feeling strange about the whole relationship. She is right about us being in a rut, doing the same things and so on. I just never considered it before. And we want different things. I think she wants kids, marriage, i just don't really think that is for me, not at this stage in my life. Now i'm so confused. I feel terrible and my head is all over the place. To top it off my girlfriend wants to press ahead and book a big holiday to Cuba we were planning before all this. I feel like i don't want to go, especially as i'm feeling the way i do at the moment. How can i tell her this? Should we break up? I just don't know and i'm going out of my mind. I cant bear to hurt her, but i'm not sure if i want to be with her anymore.
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female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (26 February 2017):
DO NOT BOOK A HOLIDAY TO CUBA.This is classic, 'I need space' (Because I want to see who else I can get)(oh, it didn't work out, but I can just go back to where I was because I hedged my bets) 'You're the one I really want, lets go on holiday!'In the meantime, you have realised that she's not your soul mate, and actually, she can go swivell!Tell her that you think she made the right decision, and you don't want the relationship you once had. Whatch her face drop in slow motion!If you must continue to have sex with her, try and remember that while she was with you, she was looking around for something better!(Crush was her way of explaining away what she thought was her next move that didn't pan out!)Be strong! You deserve better! If she did it once she'll do it again!
A
male
reader, VitaminZ  +, writes (25 February 2017):
I think the others have said it well. Cut her loose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2017): Did she really even have the crush? It could have been a tactic to get a bit of a reaction from you and for her to try and see whether it made you want to make an extra effort with her if you thought someone else caught her eye. It would be childish of her to do that, but just a suggestion to consider. She might have wanted you to feel a but jealous or ignite some spark in you to 'fight' for her (figuratively).
Having been with my now husband since we were 17 having a long term relationship through your early 20's can be testing at times. Relationships should naturally progress and had you met at 25, 3 years into a relationship living together would be common place and marriage very likely for most couples and some would even have children too. But you guys are still young, so then you can get stuck in a rut because you're together but with no real direction in the relationship. You might not have the urge or financial ability to live together but everyone loves some goals and having ambitions and dreams, and I guess you guys should be making the most of your freedom of 'adult-life' commitments such as having to split household chores with each other and actually plan trips away and holidays, talk about when you will move in together, and discuss whether or not marriage is somehing you value or want children. These types of activities and conversations are crucial in maintaining some direction in a relationship. My husband and I rented together as bf and gf and our goal was to save for a few years to buy a home. We would also talk about when/if marriage was important and when we would like children. Having those conversations and steering our relationship on the course that best suited us meant things felt like they were always evolving. Of course no relationship is perfect 24/7 and we had a share of getting stuck in a rut for a few months here and there over the years but we try to make time to do things just the two of us and then make sure we enjoy ourselves in the moment as well as knowing we have firm plans together as a couple.
If you really feel that you can't go back to how things were and want to end it then you cannot do it being utterly devasting and most likely emotional for you both. She will be sad, she will hurt but importantly she will get over it. Splitting up is like grieving and many people go through hard times but ultimately you can't stay with someone just to avoid the hurt and the upset. It's worse to drag something out and avoid doing something you need to do.
You probably need a bit of time and space yourself to decide what you want. You could request a break yourself - after all you obliged when she asked for one and it caused you to feel unsettled and she should understand you might need a break too. Just be clear with each other that it is a break and not a mini break-up so there's no contacting other people and perhaps set a time for not contacting each other. Only you know if you want to put in the 110% effort to work on the relationship or whether it's ran it's course now. Best if luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2017):
 I think what you had PRIOR to the "break" might have been something that could have been build upon and continued, but I think when SHE decided she wanted to try another flavor of "man" she SHOULD have been prepared to GIVE you up 100%. So YOU could have been free to pursue another GIRL if you so wanted.
She was a little bored with what you had and instead of looking for ways to IMPROVE on your relationship, she started to seek attention, affection, and validation OUTSIDE the relationship.
But she didn't GET what she wanted - which was basically to try another guy. HE wasn't INTERESTED in her. So she decided well, I'll just pick up with my ex-bf (you) where we left off. And that is not realistic. Because it shows that you are NO LONGER her first choice. You are the consolation prize and she probably would only stay with you, until another CRUSH came along.
I think YOU took her back because you were hoping what you HAD could just continue, but it can't really. Not when you NOW know she RATHER be with someone else - except that someone else didn't want her. NO ONE wants to be the consolation prize or the fallback guy/girl. We ALL want to be #1 in our partner's heart.
She shouldn't BE with you if you ARE NOT her #1.
And if you two are NOT wanting the same things maybe you really ARE NOT a good match.
While it might be hard to break up, I think it's harder to stay when your heart isn't in it no more. Staying, however, is the "easy" way out but also the recipe for unhappiness and resentment.
I think, honestly... SHE is ready for something else. It's just a matter of time before she pulls another "let's have a break".
Relationships don't work when people need to take breaks.
Wish her well, stay single while you move on. Find your bearing, pursue some goals and dreams. MOVE forward.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 February 2017):
 She will be hurt no matter what, but if you're not happy you're not happy, what can you do besides break up?
Don't prolong it acting like things are fine if they aren't.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (21 February 2017):
 I can't add much to the excellent advice you have been given, but sometimes even long term relationships run their course, especially when you are relatively young. It can be difficult walking away from a relationship that has been your life for the past three years and you are doing the right thing in not making a hasty decision. Given your state of mind it would not be a good idea to book the Cuban holiday. Good luck for the future!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): I think you experienced trickle truth. My ex and I had a 2 week break and I got the same story. Found out months later she 'cheated' but it didn't work out at the time so back to faithful me. I wish I just moved on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): I don't know if the crush she mentioned was just to stir-up some jealousy; or give you a nudge to see if she could coax a marriage-proposal and engagement ring out you. All the dramatics seem to lead to this possibility. Why would anyone take a break in a committed-relationship over a crush? A crush is usually unaware of the infatuation.
The rut is, that lull after a 3-5 year stretch in a relationship; that couples seem to frequently come to the aid of DearCupid about. There's a threshold in that timeline reached in relationships; when sex-drives plateau (plummet, or go out of sync), her ring-finger starts to itch; and he gets itchy feet, and the instinct to fight or flee takes hold!
There is a silent-panic in everybody, and the term "break-up" looms over-head. Scaring the hell out of one, or both of you! One of the couple might see it as the inevitable escape-period, or reaching a planned expiration-date. Getting dumped usually indicates you've reached the expiration-date; but in most cases, you never knew you had one.
I think you should plan a trip to Cuba on your own. Things never go back to normal after a break. Breaks are a strong indication that things are beyond repair, at an impasse, and the line of communication is broken. The relationship has taken a turn.
Especially, when you don't want the same things. You don't seem to love her enough to want to marry her; but you don't have the stones to admit it. You are quite young, and may not have accomplished all the goals you've set for yourself.
That does not make you immature, selfish, or commitment-phobic. It makes you cautious and mindful of what you want to do and experience in your future. Before you become a husband and father. You need the benefit of maturity and experience before taking those steps in your life.
Marriage and children aren't something you do; until you are fit and ready for them. You must have an unwavering desire and commitment to make such powerful moves in your life.
You should never be pressured into it. You do it willingly. You do have to grow-up, and know when it's time to settle-down.
If you make the decision it's something to be postponed well into the future instead. You do what's right for you. She should be fully aware of your intentions; and what levels the relationship will ever reach. Chances are, you already know.
Keeping in mind that elderly fathers don't get to enjoy the most physically-demanding activities in their children's lives. Chasing them down is also a bit of a challenge. Women of child-bearing age also demand much from a husband. So if you do eventually want these things, don't put it off too long.
Contemplate if you still want to be in the relationship. Don't play around with her feelings. Man-up and decide what to do. This is how the cycle of on-and-off relationships start.
Now about that crush. It's almost as though there was a failed-attempt; and she's coming back for what she had.
Your replacement just didn't work-out!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2017):
 Your feelings on this are quite correct.
She hedged her bets with you, which is a really shady and callous thing to do, to be honest. She should have broken up with you altogether instead of putting you in limbo with this "2 week break" thing designed to have her cake and eat it too with this new crush.
Things can not and must not proceed as they did before, because quite honestly, I wouldn't put up with being treated like a fall-back. I'd worry about what would happen next time she had a crush. Whether this thing with this other guy didn't pan out or whatever, she just communicated to you that she's not into you anymore, nor is she really engaged in your relationship.
What she just did was NOT want to be alone, so she wanted to go play with another guy, but make sure no other girl could catch YOUR fancy.
At this point, do not worry about whether or not you hurt her. Her actions hurt YOU, and even moreso, they placed doubts and questions into your own heart about who you are to her, and even more, the possibility of you moving on without her in your life.
To continue as if nothing has happened is dishonest on your part, and is in itself a great big lie. No more "Taking breaks" for 2 weeks or other such nonsense. If you break up, BREAK UP, meaning both of you are free to move on.
You need someone who is into you, who crushes on YOU, who feels alive and in love with YOU. Not only that, but if she wants kids and a marriage and you don't, then that should be a dealbreaker for you. If her "break" was to get you to propose or see things her way, that's manipulative. If she wants different things from a relationship, then you breaking up with her would make her free to be with someone who more matches her goal in life, while freeing YOU up to find someone more at YOUR stage of life who is far more into you as a person and not merely as a place-holder for her own goals and happiness.
You're a man, not her accessory to be picked up and put down at her leisure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): I think her crushing on someone else has I acted more on you than you realise . You must have as I would have if say it was my partner .. why take time out . Was she trying to gain this guys attention/affection but it failed ..no one leaves a relationship unless they are more than just hoping and I think deep down you know there more to this story .I think you should tell her you need a break with no promises of getting back .. no Cuba holiday .. nada .. how can she expect things to go back to normal after that . And being honest why even say if she didn't act on it .. she had already given you a lie when she left . No it doesn't smell right to me Take time to really consider how you feel .. I wouldn't want to feel second best and neither should you .Good luck chin up
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