A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is an insecurity problem, but I don't know how to overcome it?I know i'm not ugly, but when I meet a guy who shows he is interested in me, it's then i think 'why would he want to talk to me?' The next day, I'll be out and see these gorgeous girls and think, that is the sort of good looking girl that guy, the one who showed interest in me, should be talking to! I just think that if a guy is really good looking, he should be with someone as good looking as him or better.. I don't understand why he would choose to get to know me and be interested, over all these other beautiful girls I see, that I know they could get and would look good with!?What is my deal!? I don't want to set my standards low, but then I'm quite insecure and can't not question why a very attractive guy likes me......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Short answer: Watch "A Beautiful Mind" to learn about game theory and why the men pursue the brunettes and ignore the beautiful blonde.Long answer:It is true that not everyone is shallow. Looks aren't everything and they change over time. Being with a beautiful, but annoying, girl loses appeal quickly. There was once a girl I dated who was gorgeous, but she had a really annoying laugh. She was also kind of vapid. I loved to sit there and look at her, but I always hoped she would keep her mouth shut which was impossible because everything I said was funny to her. She also kept fishing for compliments all the time saying things like: "The women in my family are so good looking, don't you think? My family has a pact with the devil. My mom looked like she was 40 until he was 70." (Both true statements. Don't about the devil, but they were good looking and she and her mom did not age.) After dating a little while, I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I never did have sex with her, even though that's what I was holding out for because she was so achingly beautiful, but nothing was worth enduring that and listening to her tell me things like "You are sooooo smart. Say something smart. Tell me about, I don't know, Jupiter" about 15 times per date. It's a compliment to a degree, but it is also a sign we were not intellectually matched. Based on that limited sample size, I would shy away from any girl that looked like her unless I saw a resume firstHowever, another aspect is that we all have different ideas of what makes beauty. Maybe the guy you think is a hunk doesn't think the girl you think is gorgeous is all that. Maybe he thinks you are more attractive than she is. Maybe he is too shy to approach her, but not you. Maybe she already turned him down, because she doesn't think he's that hot. Maybe all the hot girls he dated were high maintenance and he wanted a change of pace. Maybe he wanted to date someone who he felt was less likely to cheat on him. Maybe, as beautiful women are always hotly pursued, he was tired of trying to one-up the next guy. The possibilities are endless. It's always interesting to see which women other women think are hot versus who the men think are hot. We rarely agree and I think even within a gender there is a lot of room for disagreement. My wife doesn't think Harrison Ford is hot at all. Her sister thinks he is the bees kneesPersonally, I know my wife didn't marry me for my looks. I am not saying I am Quasimoto, but I am an average-looking guy - certainly not as handsome as some of her other boyfriends who took stunning photos together with her I am jealous of. However, she liked my sense of style, my loyalty to her, my intelligence, my compassion, the fact I was not vain and egotistical (some of those other guys spent more time in a mirror than she did), and my sense of humor. All of those things go into attractiveness. That's why you sometimes see couples where one partner seems a lot more beautiful than the other on the outside.As a cautionary tale, her sister is the opposite. She constantly dates (even married one) guys who are out of her league. I mean, her sister is pretty (not as pretty as my wife, of course :) ) but all of the guys she has dated have looked like male models: they look like Harry Connick Jr., Elvis Presley, Brad Pitt, and the young version of Mel Gibson. I always feel so small standing next to them at social functions. (I am a big guy, but I mean small figuratively as no woman would turn away from checking them out to ogle me and I can't blame them.)The girls always comment on how handsome her boyfriends are, while I get "what a nice guy." However, they all end up being douchebags so I never have to endure one for long until the next one comes along. She just isn't in their league, they know it, and they treat her like the doormat she is to them. Her ex-husband used to have so many girls fawn over him and even stalk him. She knew the marriage was over when one of them knocked on the door of their house and (when she answered) asked who she was. However, she is obsessed with looks - even going so far as to date a really good looking guy who was unemployed and couldn't even pay to take her out on a date. Now, you might say how sweet that is that money didn't matter, but it's not really. What it is is shallow. Sweet would be if he didn't look like a male model. She would be a lot better off now if she didn't place a guy's looks number one. Yes, she cares about other qualities, but first and foremost he has to be a hunk. However, it's always the hunks that make her weak in the knees and break her heart over and over again because, frankly, while there are hunky guys that are not jerks - most of them are taken by girls playing in a different league than she does. However, she never seems to learn.Anyway, if a guy likes you don't question him. Only question his motives if he acts in a way that seems to be fishy or disrespectful of you. (Example: The handsome guy who doesn't want to be seen in public with the regular girl.) Don't act like my sister-in-law and be a doormat to a good-looking guy either. He may think he can take you to bed more easily if you seem desperate. You will know if he is sincere by the way he treats you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): I'm horrible at talking to women, but i find it easier to talk to those less attractive. Some guys might be great at talking to women but are even better at talking to the less attractive. They may be using you for practice. On another note, what makes it so difficult to understand the opposite sex is honesty. I am a super honest person and find that women I show interest to will use this to take advantage of me. they only do it so they have that feeling of attention. it makes me sad but one day there will be a girl who loves my honesty as much as i love giving it. my point is, you will never actually know why until prolly months down the road. most people, i hope are looking for that love, i am. one thing i've learned is, if you have a silhouette/standard you are comparing someone too. chances are they will not meet it..so go out and don't have standards, at first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): While the other posters are correct about men not being as shallow as you think. I think the biggest problem here OP is that you are.
You see usually when you hear someone is shallow you assume it to mean that they put beauty above everything else and therefore only go for very attractive people regardless of personality. You have that only in a different form. You look at very attractive guys and think they should be with very attractive women, that's shallow OP. If you define guys in such a superficial way then miss all there is to them. I mean how many drop dead gorgeous girls do you know or see, that have very average even ugly boyfriends. I know lots and they're very happy and secure with those guys.
First off OP, don't question why a guy likes you, let him show you that. Secondly your version of beauty and guys version of beauty are completely different.
I've dated some pretty spectacular looking women in the past even though my current girlfriend wouldn't be considered by many to be on a par with them in terms of appearance she is to me, and she's actually far more beautiful to me. You see OP, there's always more to a cute girl than there is an "amazing" looking girl too and besides I find cute girls far more attractive anyway. When a woman has the looks of a model there is an assumption that she can get any guy she wants, that's a load of crap. Just the same as you're assuming those guys could get any girl they want. There is no such thing. Tastes always vary and there's no chance that everyone can like one person.
OP you just have that kind of insecurity in a different form. You assume that you're not as pretty (which is bullshit) so therefore the guy couldn't possibly like you as much as those other girls (also bullshit) and that means you're either a stop gap until he finds someone else or you're not worthy of a guy like that (bullshit).
You need to stop looking at guys in terms of appearance only and you have to stop looking at yourself in terms of appearance only. Once you can do that, your insecurity won't matter. You're simply too superficial OP and it's making you horribly insecure. Whatever has led you believe all this crap you need to stop believing it. Stop watching tv shows about makeovers and weightloss, stop reading magazine articles about beauty, watching tv ads about products that will "make you more beautiful". Stop watching tv dramas where one beautiful person ends up with another beautiful person. Stop looking at people as a commodity based on appearance.
You need to peel away the layers of that onion and see all the things that define us as people. Outside beauty is a fallacy because it only exists in our minds and we all have very varied tastes on that. My preference is actually for short girls with a little bit of extra weight, with small boobs, there is just something about those girls that drives me wild, a woman with curves is what I like, there's nothing sexier to me than a woman who has bit of softness in her flesh, the kind of woman that when wearing tight jeans her belly sticks out ever so slightly and if she has big thighs and strong calves I'm in heaven. You put a girl like that beside a model and I will always choose her, because that's my taste but it varies.
You know my taste is like most guys, we don't have a single preference at all, we can find beauty in so many different aspects of a woman, I've dated girls at all ends of the spectrum, to very overweight girls to very slim, tall and short, blue eyes, green eyes, blonde hair, red hair, you name it I've dated that type of girl and I was attracted to all of them. The majority of us date very varied looking women. I have a few friends that are into big women, one of those likes very big women but he also dates thin women and finds them attractive too.
Next time you notice a really hot guy remember that maybe he is attracted to girls that are far uglier than you. His preference may be for morbidly obese women for all you know. Beautiful people are not just about looks OP, they're people too, with needs, desires and emotions. The whole idea that beautiful people only date beautiful people is a stupid one that people have gotten from TV and magazines. It's not reality at all.
So it's time you woke up and stopped defining people based on their appearances OP, being that shallow is a very lonely life because you miss what makes people great including yourself. Instead you see only beauty in terms of appearance you will always find a girl you deem to be prettier than you in that respect and you'll never be happy with how you look. There is no such thing as a girl who is more beautiful than you, we're all different and we have all have beauty, so why judge other girls when these guys are chatting you up? If those girls really were better than you than why are they not talking to those girls?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Maybe you haven't realized the full potential of the awesomeness that is you. Not all men are shallow and require a certain breast size or bubble on the butt to talk to you.
I wondered the same thing when I met my fiance and I asked him that question. "why are you talking to me?" He told me i'm smart and funny, outgoing and blunt and I'm beautiful from the inside out and I'm not looking at myself in the mirror every ten seconds or fixing my hair.
It has been my experience that the "gorgeous girls" are usually very high maintanence, have very low self esteem and are generally a pain in the butt the majority of the time. My fiance said the girls he had dated in the past were exactly like that and he finds that unattractive and annoying.
So you're probably awesome and haven't realized it yet, but this guy did. Don't question it. Go with it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 We men are very intimidated by the very pretty female,it's our insecurity that convinces us we are totally not deserving of the "cover girl" types and knowing that we know we'll only be hurt by them if we invest any amount of feelings towards them because some hunk is going to come along and steal them away. therefore the prettier the girl the less attention she'll get from us "run-of-the mill" type guys.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Eh, while I like the idea of "not all men are shallow", i'm gonna come at this from a different perspective.
A lot of men are realists. They might go for the less attractive woman because they believe they may actually have a CHANCE with the less attractive woman.
Also, there are a lot of men out there who follow the mantra of Jimmy Soul's famous song: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife." I know quite a few guys who, in trying to give me relationship advice, told me exactly this. The belief is that a less attractive woman has a greater chance of staying true to the man in a relationship.
In my area, i always saw a lot of pretty women with really goofy looking guys.. I could never figure out why this was. I consider myself a decent looking guy, but i could NEVER get a whiff of the truly hot women in my area. Then one night in a club, i happened to sit down and have a couple of drinks with some ladies and this very topic came up. The response i got really opened my eyes to the female-thought process: This woman told me that she would never want to be with someone who was better looking then her, or even close to being her equal. In any relationship, SHE had to be the one that everyone drooled over, NOT her partner.
That shocked me!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Looks count... but not for everything. I look for someone who is interesting, if they are very good looking... great but if they are not perfect that is ok too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Because not all men are shallow. Exactly why.
Perhaps it's just me and Im blind in that respect, but I never understood the big deal about "who looks better than whom". Sure, there are the really oddball looking people of society, the ones with crooked yellow teeth and hunchback backs, limps on their feet and who never showers and what not. Those I can see are unattractive. But with a good rinse up and a toothbrush, are they ugly? I'm not sure.
As for the average man in the street... who's to judge who looks better than the other? Everyone has different tastes, likes, dislikes, and a lot of people value the beauty from within. Which means that everyone can be beautiful and gorgeous only as long as they have wonderful personalities. If they don't they are unattractive, regardless of boob size or length of their legs, colour of their eyes or fullness of their hair.
There are more pretty girls out there than you? So what? He's talking to you, not them, so why give a crap. Enjoy the attention you're getting and show him who you truly are, and see if you and him get along or not. In the end that's all that matters. No one stays in a relationship with anyone just because they are pretty.... It's all about chemistry!
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Because not all men are shallow. Those "gorgeous" girls carry a lot of entitlement issues, immaturity, and usually aren't worth the while. There's a saying: "No matter how hot she is, some guy, somewhere is sick of her crap." There's also the saying, "When you hit your mid life crisis and choose between a sports car and a trophy wife, pick the car. It's cheaper."
Regular, cute girls are FAR better people and more trustworthy and more intelligent and funnier, and thus more appealing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): ---HEY I ASKED THIS QUESTION-----
When i say interested, i didn't mean they want to date me but just i mean i'm surprised when they took an interest to even approach me, or ask to meet up outside of a bar.
But you are right and i do agree with you about not all guys are shallow and that my insecurity may mean i see these guys better looking then they are. But i do know they are good looking, because so many of my friends who have great taste in guys! Will tell me after that night 'he was really good looking', even some my guy mates point it out? haha.
Thanks for the advice btw!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 The politicaly correct answer would be : because not all men are shallow, superficial, obsessed with looks. Many of them may be attracted by something you DO , even if you are not a Playboy bunny. Like, you smile warmly, you have a friendly demeanour,you exude zest for life, they heard you say something interesting, etc.etc.
That, too. I won't deny it.
But , I have to add two comments, as cynical as they may sound :
- are you sure these guys are really so good looking ? It may be your insecurity and your poor body image, that makes you see these guys as better than you semigods, while instead they may be rated as no more than average by the general public. Right or wrong, yes, people ( and males particularly ) tend to pair off with individuals that they perceive at their level of physical attractiveness or more.
- define "interest". Asking your phone no.,flirting at a party or striking up a casual conversation at the bus stop, and such, does not really mean they are "interested ". For some guys, approaching girls is just a habit or a passtime , they do it just because. Not necessarily they want to "get to know you " in depth.
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