A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i've been with my man now two years and it's a LDR.We are fully commited, and i am looking to move closer to him, so we can see him lots more. we see each other as often as we can at the moment. but i'm just wondering, is it time to have the 'what's the future?' talk, For instance, when to get engaged, married or is it too soon? i feel i want to be with him for the rest of my life, and i hate the distance thing.We've been doing it now for two years, and he says he loves me to bits and wants a future with me, but we just cant seem to get on the subject of the big future together.i feel that we both want this talk. but i feel he is waiting for me to say something.or i am wating for him to say something? when do i do mention the future talk and how would i start it? Because if it was me who mentioned it to him, for me to move closer, so we could see each other more, how would that work? And what if he wanted that too and was thinking of that idea, but did not say anything first to me, because he said he did not want to put anything on me, like presure to move? so that's why i am thinking he his waiting for me to start the future conversation off, anyway hope you great agony aunts out there can give me some advice like you always do when i am in need of your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): THANKS FOR YOUR ANSWERS TO MY QUESTION i can see a lot of mixed answers wheather to have the future talk or not have the future talk and i have decided i am going to just come out with it what i want from life one anonymous writer on here says its wrong for a women to be kept waiting needs to know really where the relashionship is heading so i am thinking of writing him a letter cause i feel i can explain myself better that way or just bite my tongue and ask straight out where we are going need a time scale for our future its right what you agony aunts say thanks again seeing him soon and i will just have to pluck the courage and ask the future question wish me luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Personally I don't think women should agree to exclusivity with a man until a commitment has been made, not just in word but in deed. A man should never be allowed to feel comfortable enough to drag his heels and keep a woman waiting. Women have too many other options to be limiting themselves to one man for a maybe.You've already agreed to exclusivity so rather than wait for him to make the next move I would just come right out and say what I wanted. Do not corner him with ultimatums though. Just state what you want from life (very important to inlude a time frame) and ask him if he wants that with you. If he gives you anything short of a straight and positive answer then you're a free agent. Continue to date him if you like but make it clear that you'll begin dating other men. If he decides he wants to date other women while you're dating other men then your relationship has run its course. It may not seem fair, but if he is undecided then you shouldn't be kept on a leash while he makes up his mind.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (3 May 2011):
Yes, it is definitely time to have the future talk. 2 years of long distance with no idea of what the future holds? That's brave of you because I would not have been able to hold off so long.
As for what to say, you might not want to just go out there and say that you want to move closer to him. For him to not have said anything about this in 2 years, you might want to test the waters to see what he is thinking. So just tell him you want to talk about the future, and that it has been long distance for quite some time, and where does he see this relationship going? Will the 2 of you ever be living close to each other? Or possibly living together? Etc etc. See what he proposes. If his reaction is favourable, then the 2 of you can start throwing ideas about who should be moving where and when would be a good time to start the process.
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A
female
reader, skoolof life +, writes (3 May 2011):
 I personally would have had 'the talk 'before plans to move closer were mentioned - your actions now show you are seriously considering long term - so before you do uproot find out how he sees your future. 2 years is a reasonable time a to get to know each other and how you both feel so he should have decided something, it's a fair question!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 if after 2 years of an LDR he's not mentioned closing the distance he may not really be as vested in the relationship as you are. Are you ready for the let down if he's not on the same page as you?
how far apart are you? how often do you see each other? who travels to who?
Is the issue that you want to get married or live together or do you just want to be closer to him?
IF you just want to be closer then ask him about moving... and why are YOU the one moving?
I am in an LDR right now (I'm 51 he's 37) I'm divorcing and he's single never married. We started out 6 months ago as FWB and saw each other once or twice a month for the first few months... NOW it's EVERY WEEKEND from 1-3 nights most weekends.
WE already 2 months ago planned our date to close our distance.... without an end date in site LDRs are impossible. So while we have 13 months till close the distance, we have an end of the commute in sight... and HE's COMING TO ME.. I do NOT question his commitment to me or our relationship even though I'm the one that goes to see him every weekend...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I think it's a bit soon only because you are about to embark on a big transition in the first place; going from and LDR to an physically immediate relationship. Since you haven't been in frequent physical contact for 2 years, there can and probably will be hiccups in that transition. For instance, you'll probably now spend more time on the relationship and less time alone and on yourself. There are all sorts of new scenarios, logistics, and conflicts you'll have to sort out when the relationship is physically immediate. Once he's moved closer I thinking taking time to adjust to your new relationship and work them out would be best.
If you aim for marriage now, you might be getting ahead of yourself. What about moving in together?
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