A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay here is my situation. There is a great guy at work that I have always liked, and he's always been really nice and friendly to me too. We occasionally work on projects together. We get along and have fun bantering back and forth. However, over the past 6-8 months, it's definately moved from "fun banter" to flirting. I definately started it... and he played along. It was all kind of light and fun, and while it boosted my ego I never gave it too much weight or thought, just enjoyed it. As things escalated though I decided to back off a bit since I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, since we do have to work together. However lately it's definately been him who starts it. He's even taken it further and has made lots of mentions about getting a drink or dinner, even inviting me out for coffee 2 or 3 times. But here's the thing - he never follows through. It's starting to get on my nerves a bit. I like this guy, and if he's just flirting for fun, that's fine. But if he is just playing around, I can't understand why he makes all these empty suggestions? What would be the point? Is that just part of the game, or is he interested but too shy to actually make the move? I know a guy might think twice about dating a girl he works with. The weird thing is I've talked with a friend at work about him, and he doesn't appear to be the type to flirt at the office. She's worked there a long time and hasn't ever seen him flirt with anyone. He doesn't go to office happy hours and always just hangs for lunch etc. with the guys. So how can a girl tell the difference between a guy who is interested and one who is just flirting because it's fun? Insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 I know, poster. Believe me, I understand what you're going through. I just wrote my comment in that way because I wanted you to feel it would be simple and effortless. If you believe that the road ahead is going to be extremely difficult, you won't be as willing to go all the way. On the other hand, if you think that you can make it, because it's a simple thing, then you do it better and quicker. And that's what I want for you.
Sooner rather than later, you will sweep a man off his feet. Believe me, it will happen.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Daniel. Wow. The way you put it sounds so simple and effortless. Unfortunately what guys like him don't ever stop to think about is when they behave this way it damages a woman's trust in all men. He knew I liked him and he knew he was spoken for... but he was happy enough to lead me on because of the ego boost it gave him. He never stopped to think being invited then blown off all those times might confuse or hurt me. I mean I'll live, but what he did wasn't really very nice, or fair.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 April 2008):
Well, at least you're free to date someone who will really put you in the first place, and you're a bit wiser about people who flirt and don't deliver.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay an update on this situation. After I posted this question, this guy proceeded to ask me out for coffee another 5 times or so, but continue to not follow through or blow it off at the last minute claiming to be "too busy" at work. He even offered to bring me lunch to my house when I was home sick. That too never happened. Then at the company christmas party, he introduced me to his fiancee. All the times over the past year we talked about everything - family, work, life in general, where we live, what we do on the weekends, he never, ever once mentioned a girlfriend much less a fiancee.
So I guess the lesson here is if the are flirting but not following through, they aren't serious. They are just playing games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I've had the same situation. This guy has been bantoring back and forth and I've tried to go with it but same thing he never follows through on anything he suggests. It's like he freezes up. I'd don't want to pursue him if he isn't interested so I'm giving him space.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 if hes pushing the boat out you might as well give him some waves-when he says to go out for coffe ask him when and request his number. if he can'tprovide this say in a jokey way "your all talk" and turn it back to a mindless flirt
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, great responses and some good insight of things I didn't think of. I think the co-worker issue would not so much be getting in trouble, we have a very large social office with lots of couples, ex-couples, folks who dated, etc. so it's pretty accepted in the culture... maybe just awkward to see that person every day if it didn't work out.Talking to him seems simple enough, but I guess that's part of what keeps me from having the conversation with him, if I'm wrong, I'm afraid of freaking him out or making him uncomfortable. Once that cat is out, it's not going back in the bag. :-) Maybe he's afraid of the same thing. RCN's comments were especially insightful. He may be an introvert, he's very friendly if you approach him but I rarely see him reach out to others. And trust me, I've tried to pin, but he sort of slips out of it, but then constantly mentions that he "owes me" that drink, that coffee. That's what's frustrating. My interest in him is real, I really do like him very much and would date him in a heartbeat, but at my age I'm "seasoned" enough not to get too invested too soon. I'm not about to go over the moon until I know the guy is going with me. Maybe we're both just a couple of cowardly chickens... afraid to make the first move.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (8 October 2007):
 why don't you ust talk to him about thats the only way youare going to know, only he knows. sometimes you never know with a guy if he is ust playful flirting or if he means it but talk to him about it and see what happens.
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): It may be that he is throwing all those hints out there waiting on you to let him know if you are interested in an office fling....or for you to make the first move.
In today's climate, he could get in serious trouble (and so could you) if his advances are unwelcome and you complain to HR.
Think long and hard about going further with a co-worker, especially one that you work on projects together with, this could ruin you or his career and make work uncomfortable for those around you as well as yourselves if it does not last.....if you need this job, I would stay just friends.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 October 2007):
This is the million dollar question for me. I'm afraid I can't answer that. You're asking how to tell whether his flirting has feelings behind, or not; and that, I think, no one but him can actually tell. The one way to know whether his flirting is serious would be to act on it, and see what happens. But, if I get you right, your interest here is simply sort of "scientific": you just want to tell the difference.
By the way, if he's not the type who would flirt at the office, he is surely trying to make a point with you; and he seems a shy man who is waiting to see what your reaction is. Since you actually started the flirting, he wants to probe how deep into him you are.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 October 2007):
 With him not taking part in work happy hours and such, it sounds as if he may be a bit introverted. You sparked something in him allowing this flirtatious side to come out. He may like you and want to date, but people who are a bit introverted have a more difficult time asking women out. Not because they can't get dates, but because their somewhat unsure of what your reaction may be.
I think, you started the flirting, if you like him, ask him out. It's not wrong for a woman to ask a guy out. If he mentions dinner, just say "prove it, would tonight or wednesday work best for you? OK, does 6 or 8 work best with your schedule? Great, then it's a date.
Don't just let him talk about the possibility of taking you out. Pin him down to proving he'd take you out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): i think you should ask him how he feels and see what he says if he says he likes you then id go for it but if not i think maybe you should go for somone else as he maybe not what he seems!
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