A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Let me give you a little background first before asking the question.My husband and i live in city A, his brother and his wife live in city B, and all our parents are based in city C. We wre all currently in city C with our our respective parents for the holidays.I know this makes me sound petty but i dont like my sister-in-law. I am slightly jealous of her. She's prettier than me, slim, comes from a rich family and is very well qualified. Everyone dotes on her and i feel like the outcast. I feel my husband likes her as well, not in "that" way, but they do have the occasional conversation on WhatsApp which makes my blood boil. I agree I keep a tab on his phone because my insecurity gets the better of me. My sister-in-law hardly speaks to me, i suspect because she looks down upon me.Now coming to my question.I am currently staying with my parents for the holidays while my husband and his brother are with their mom. Sister-in-law's family recently invited my husband and brother-in-law for dinner; i was not invited. Not only did my husband not tell me about the invitation, he went and says he loved it there. They had dinner and drinks. He told me about it the next day.I am furious. He knows I don't like the woman, he knows she's the cause of so many fights between us and yet he went to her house with his brother for dinner without batting an eyelid. Am i right to be mad at him? Who's in the wrong here? Why did he go to her house knowing I hate it?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 January 2020):
 I really don't see how the husband is at fault, as the previous aunt says. You let your pettiness and jealousy go too far and hence you were excluded. Why would she invite you when it sounds like you've never had a good thing to say to her or about her? I'm sure she knows exactly how you feel about her and she's done the right thing. Life is too short for petty politics. I like the fact that at least your brother-in-law and his wife are trying to keep the family together because if it were left to you, no one would be talking to anyone!
Talk to me about the WhatsApp thing as well. What's wrong if your husband and his brother's wife are having a normal "occasional conversation"? Even you, despite your irrational anger, haven't said that they talk of anything inappropriate. So what's wrong? Are you telling me that family relationships have become so suspicious... For the lack of a better word... That two people of the opposite sex can't have a talk or wish each other on occasions without it being sexual? Why would you automatically assume she's flirting with your husband or vice versa?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): Okay I think there is wrong on BOTH sides here, that the other aunts/ uncles failed to note because your pettiness was the first thing that was evident...BUT I WILL say that:
1) It IS inappropriate to invite one member of a spouse to family dinner and not the other. Very ill mannered. You are married and ONE unit, to be included or excluded as a unit (barring a boys night out, etc). But for a family dinner on the holidays, I have NEVER heard of this exclusion being done, unless there is truly a major rift. At the very least an invite is extended to the spouse and they can decline if they are unable to attend. But you darn well SHOULD have been invited.
I take it you may have been somewhat cold to this branch of the family in the past due to your jealousy, but they still owe you an invite- you are still MARRIED to hubby, after all.
I ALSO think that it IS strange that your husband spends time chatting with this SIL on whatsapp. Why not just his brother OR the two of them? I know that my sister would FREAK if I just starting private messaging her hubby for no reason? And my hubby would not be too thrilled if I started regular conversations with my brother in law either...
I get the feeling that:
1) You began your relationship with this woman as unfairly jealous of her, and treated her coldly when she had done no harm to you. You can't fault someone because they happen to have a wealthy family, nor can you assume they look down on you just because they are slim.
2) She got the message and is now treating you in similarly cold fashion.
3) She now is taking it too far and excluding you from family events.
4) She is using whatsapp to exclude you further, and, at worst have a flirtation with your husband
I think YOU need to gain control over this situation by talking to your husband. He needs to recognize that he MUST include you in family functions if you two are a unit. You shouldn't be spending too much time separately on the holidays. You can visit each other's families together.
He needs to also recognize that this woman should be using the telephone and chatting with the BOTH of you- not suing private messages on whatsapp. Hubby needs to set up better boundaries and next time she tries to chat say "my wife would love to chat"
My advice would be to be as SWEET AS PIE with this lady. Get yourself to the family functions and socialize. IF she is truly a nasty person then that is on HER,a nd at least YOU will have tried your best and not let your jealousy get in the way.
I also think your husband is a big problem here. You need to watch and control your pettiness better so that he does see when something is truly important. For example inviting you to a family function isn't just you having a wine. It IS his job not to hide things from you. I am not impressed with his behaviour & you might try counselling to talk this out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 January 2020):
 Yet another vote for the husband.
The sister in law knew you had other dinner plans, so inviting your husband (her husband's BROTHER) to dinner was appropriate. Your husband had every right to accept that invitation.
I don't know the history between you all and why you don't get on, but if this past Christmas is any indication, I'd say you were responsible for a number of those fights.
Your sister in law is family, as is her husband, and with the start of a new year, it might be a good idea to re-evaluate how you think of them.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 December 2019):
The SiL hardly speaks to you because she knows you’re a petty jealous shrew who doesn’t like her. Why would she invite you to her parents home when: you were spending the day with your parents and she knows you don’t like her.
Why would your husband not spend time with his brother and other people he likes just to assuage your pathetic insecurities. There must be something your husband loves about you but none of it comes through in your question.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 December 2019):
Another vote in favor of your husband... Don't drive a wedge in between him and his family because of your insecurities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2019): This is your problem not his, your dislike is simply because you are jealous.
My brother dated a woman who admitted after a few months she felt inferior to me as a mother, on cue the fall out and then the hate I received off her in which sadly my brother participated in and all because of outright jealousy and her feeling inferior, something I didn't put on her might I add.
Your husband is right to keep out of it, how awful that you are even angry that he would want to be okay with them, just get a bloody grip woman!
If her being slimmer bugs you lose weight, work on being a better person and stop already with the hate or you will lose your husband, luckily my brother did split up with her, don't be that person going into next year!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 December 2019):
 He went there because he was invited to spend time with his brother and his brother's family.
You even acknowledge your questions makes you sound petty …. I agree with you, it does make you sound petty. I would also add juvenile.
Your sister in law probably seems stand offish because you have let your dislike and petty jealousy well known.
I'd be stand offish as well in her shoes.
You need to grow up. Why should your husband stop having a relationship with his brother and sister in law because you are a childish, petty nasty little set of goods?
If you can give a logical, clearly thought out answer to that questions come back and tell me what it is. I'm thinking you will be struggling to find an answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): Basically you feel extremely threatened by this woman even though she has done you no wrong.
When your husband speaks with her or is around you it makes you feel very insecure.
Firstly I congratulate you for being so honest as not many people can admit being jealous of someone else for a start.
I also agree why your so angry as your husband clearly knows you get upset when it comes to have anything to do with this woman.
Is it that you are scared that your husband might wish that you was like this woman?
You are who you are you can’t change that fact, all I can say to the other uncles and aunts is that they are not you and don’t feel how you feel and I’m sure you don’t like feeling this way at all.
If it becomes so big an uncomfortable situation then you may have to separate from your husband if it will make you feel better.
I understand you, don’t worry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): In all honesty your SIL has my sympathy on this one.
What exactly has she done? Has she wronged you? Does she go after your hubbie of something?
Seriously give the girl a break. You even said it yourself that it's all jealousy. You're mad because hubbie went there and had fun and you weren't invited. Got to say, if you treated me that way then I wouldn't like you or invite you either.
She shouldn't have to dumb herself down or dress down/try not to be pretty because of you. Why should she? Same way you shouldn't change for her.
You should however change your attitude before your hubbie gives you a few home truths!
You seem to be filled with self-loathe - how about you work on that in the process?!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Sorry OP but I have to agree with the other aunts/uncles. Why do you dislike her so much? You don't give one instance where she had done anything to you and yet you dislike her and your reasons are quite petty. It sounds like something that elementary children would feel. Can she help it she was born into a family well off? Can she help it if she's pretty in good shape and you are jealous? How are these things her fault?? If you are unhappy about yourself do something about it. That's on YOU.
I will tell you out straight....your husband didn't tell you ahead of time about their dinner because he knew how you would react. He just wanted a nice calm dinner with his brother/sister in law. He got it. You do realize that others see how you act/react. Your jealous/pettiness will eventually drive a wedge between your husband and you. Is that what you want? Why don't you try to make friends? It could solve alot of problems and make things so much nicer. Or do you just like the drama?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): Read your post to yourself a couple of times and answer your own questions.
Are you wrong? I think you're old enough to know better!!!
You're jealous of your sister-in-law, you dislike her for very childish and unjustified reasons; and everybody knows you don't like her, and why!
That does not mean everyone should turn on her to appease you and your jealousy! You are characterizing yourself as an unpleasant and unreasonable person.
Hating on people and being jealous of others for what they have, or what they look like, is unhealthy and ungodly. Your husband went because he and his brother were invited by your sister-in-law's family; and didn't want to reflect, condone, or represent the ill-will you have in your heart.
You were not invited, because you have made it known to everyone where you stand; therefore, you are left where you stand! Alone to think about it!
You set yourself apart from the rest of the family; and you openly display your dislike for someone who hasn't done anything to you. Your husband and everyone else left you to yourself to stew in your own juices. He's a grown-man, and he doesn't need your permission; nor should he lower himself to such a childish level of behavior for your sake.
Hate it, and get-over it!
My dear, don't be like that! Don't expect others to fall in-line with you when you are behaving badly. I'm glad your husband was man enough and decent enough to accept the invitation; and show good-faith to extended-family on your behalf.
If you have children, is this really the example you want to set for them? Pray on it, or get some counseling; but do something about it! It's so unhealthy, and reflects badly on your character!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2019):
 I don't think your SIL looks down on you, I think she SMARTLY enough senses YOUR hostility. I can tell you this, I dealt with a SIL like you. Who for no other reason than PETTY SAD jealousy disliked me. And you know what? I don't give a flying fart.
If you think life is some sort of competition, you have already lost.
The notion that you run your life on is YOU drink poison hoping someone else will die. Basically. The ONLY one who is miserable here, IS you. And YOU are doing that to YOURSELF.
SHE isn't the one causing fights between you and your husband - YOU are. Your jealousy is. Don't put that on her.
He CARES for his brother and gets on well with her as well, HE sees her as family NOT competition. So OF COURSE he will go visit!
You are "Cutting off the nose to spite the face".
Because YOU are jealous of her, HE should also dislike her? What are you 12?
You need to grow up and get over the resentment you have towards her, She has done NOTHING to you. She isn't from a family wealthy, successful, pretty or skinny to SPITE you. It has NOTHING to do with you. WHATSOEVER.
If there are things about yourself that you are unhappy with, SHE isn't the reason. YOU are.
I don't think you have a LEG to stand on with your petty anger that he went to go see his brother and SIL. I think you are sad for acting like a petty person. If ANYTHING will break up your marriage it's your behavior.
GROW the F up, Lady!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): He's in the right. You're a crazy jealous person who wants your husband not to go to his own brother's house because his brother's wife is prettier than you? That's so controlling. Your husband doesn't have to back up your totally irrational responses to people.
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