A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has an anger management problem. Sometimes she is mad at me, but many times she reacts angrily in ways that are disproportionate to the situation. If she "almost" (but does not) burn dinner she will stomp her feet and pound the table. If she spills water on herself I will hear her raging and cussing from outside the house. When we drive she spends a lot of her time cussing out other drivers and wishing them dead. Not a day goes by where she doesn't scream at the top of her lungs about something small that most people would brush off. It is to the point where I am really upset by it. If I tell her to stop it or to calm down she tells me it is not about me and to leave her alone. Sometimes it turns into a fight. It is stressful and makes me angry to have fights about things like her not being able to find her purse or someone cutting us off in traffic. I find these very petty arguments to have and yet she will fume for hours as if I committed some unforgivable act - even if it wasn't something I did that set her off initially.She says she is very stressed, depressed, and often can't sleep. I can see why that would make someone moody and irritable but it is the extent of these rages that concerns me and, quite frankly, if something doesn't change I want out of the marriage. I can't live like this. For example, tonight I was in the bathroom and in the living room I could hear her throwing things, stomping her feet, and cussing. We have pets and the pets were scared and all ran away. I came out and asked her what was wrong and she could not open the package that a pre-made slice of cake came in. That was it. When I told her it is not acceptable to act that way in that situation, to stop raging, and I would help her open it she started attacking me. That was the third such incident today. I don't know what to do to help her. I can't live like this, though. I love her, but my patience has worn thin. I feel she I taking advantage of me in that I really doubt she would behave like this at work or around people she wasn't comfortable with. She does this in front of her mom as well. However, I know she will do it even if she doesn't have an audience because she will tell me when for example, I ask why something is broken ("e.g., I threw it" or "I hit it.")She says she doesn't like doing it, but she says she has so much anger and she needs to let it out. I told her she needs to find better ways to do so and of course I was called an unsympathetic SOB. Is there a book I can give her? Is there a better way I can respond when she does this? I tried just leaving (e.g., going for a drive) but that doesn't help. From what I can tell the problem is getting worse, not better.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 December 2019):
I just divorced a woman like that. Everything was my fault or our kids. Angry just about every day, often several times a day. Didn't think she needed to do anything about it.
My advice is that if she won't admit the problem and do something about it, stop wasting your life being with someone like that. If she does make an effort to change, support her as best you can.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): I agree she needs to get her hormone levels checked. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with a thyroid problem and I too suffered with anger and mood swings. It can also carries the same symptoms as dispression, bi polar, mood swings, anxiety, irritability and trouble sleeping. She should especially get checked if her behaviour hasn’t always been like this as it can cause behavioural and emotional changes.
But even if it’s not her hormone levels she should see a doctor anyway if she feels like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2019):
 I forgot to mention that when she goes to the doctor one thing that she REALLY needs to ask for is a full check up INCLUDING her hormone levels.
My BIL's first wife had a hysterectomy and didn't get on hormones afterwards and she was VERY angry ALL the time (not sure if she as bad before the surgery, BIL says he doesn't remember her being like that before). The mood-swings were HUGE from ecstatic to raging angry in a heart beat. It's been 25 years since her surgery and the mood-swings have lessened a bit (according to her grown kids). She was so bad that she started to "self-medicate" with weed/pot and prescription pills.
I myself had a full hysterectomy a couple of months ago and I can tell if I forgot to switch my patch (hormones) out. I DO feel more moody ( I don't get angry just tired and well, whiny, something I can't stand). So I can say from personal experience that in adult women an imbalance of hormones can throw MANY things out of whacks. NOT that I am excusing your wife, she should have seen a doctor when this first started to get to a point where SHE felt it was wrong and felt off. But it's not uncommon with people thinking "Oh it will change and go away" and then don't seek help.
SHE needs you to really give her NO choice but to see her doctor and GET help.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 December 2019):
 I really feel for you both. I would love to hear your wife's side of this story. Poor woman sounds so stressed and tired. However, this is not normal or acceptable behaviour.
As others have said, she needs professional help with this before she hurts you or herself or the pets. You need to sit her down when she is calm and tell her exactly how her rages make you feel. Tell her, as you have told us here, that you cannot stand it any longer and that, as much as you love her, you are prepared to walk away if she does not get professional help. Then you must be prepared to actually carry out your threat if she does not agree to get help. The lack of sleep would worry me greatly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): First you have to come to terms with the fact that your wife is mentally-ill. Forget all the stigma and controversy around it. She needs professional-help! She is going to hurt herself, or even hurt you!
You didn't mention it, but I am pretty sure she has publicly embarrassed you by showing-out in-front of people. She probably goes-off on service-people; and anybody who gets in her way, or annoys her. You must spend a lot of time apologizing for her overreactions to just about everything! I doubt you go out together much, because you fear one of her explosions! She seems like the type who would mouth-off at the wrong-person, forcing you to intercede. If she meets her match; you're likely to get your face smashed-in, because of her! If none of this has ever happened, give her time!
You have to encourage your wife to seek professional-counseling for a psychiatric-evaluation and therapy. Man-up and insist on it! Let her throw a hissy-fit and tantrum about it; but get those words in her ears! Just because she refuses doesn't mean she never will. If she has something to lose, it will motivate her to take it into consideration.
Judging by your description of her; she isn't the type who will sit-down and calmly be told she needs help. You will have to have a family-intervention. You will need to have some of her family-members over to let her know this matter has risen to a level of deep concern. You should also make it abundantly clear that this unmanaged-anger is also starting to affect your marriage. Stop cowering from her crazy-outbursts! You do not maintain the peace by letting her walk all over you! She is not a child! She is doing costly damage!
When your mate has lost self-control, it places you in the position to take-charge to regain peace and order in the household. Your option is to sit there and take it; until something really awful happens!
Being intimidated and demoted from husband to a her whipping-post, is voluntary. You don't have to take verbal-abuse, or storms of tantrums. Modify the behavior! Intervene and stop the tantrum before it explodes.
You are a grown-up, and adults have authority and voice in their own households. She is like she is, because you're an enabler. You're docile and condescending; rather than asserting your disapproval of her breaking things and losing control. Insisting she regain her composure in the midst of her rage; and demanding that she stop throwing childish tantrums all through the day! If she refuses, then inform her the next time you will consider calling the police for fear of your safety and hers. No consequences, no change!
Insist she seeks professional-help. Offer the ultimatum of leaving her. You will, if she doesn't injure or kill you first! No telling what an unmanaged-temper will do. It's just a matter of time and the particular situation at-hand. She is suffering from mental-illness, and she isn't going to voluntarily submit to getting help.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Wow..I don't blame you for being upset. I can't think of anyone that would enjoy being around a person that angry all the time. My ex husband was like your wife to a degree but it wasn't every day but it was waaay too often and he eventually turned his anger on me physically and I got out. Hair trigger anger.
Your wife needs help ASAP. Please take Honeypie's advice. Talk to her when she is calm and be FIRM. Tell her just what you wrote to us. She needs to understand that something is wrong, she needs help and although you love her you will not continue to live the way things are. She needs to see someone professional, find out what is the problem. I do also want to recommend that your wife start exercising. It will help get out some of that aggression. Kick boxing, punching bag, running ANYTHING that will help tire her out.
I hope she understands and loves you enough to realize that she can't continue to act the way that she is. Again..NO ONE wants to live with an anger monster! Good luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2019):
I think you need to sit her down (NOT right after an episode of rage, though) and tell her :"if something doesn't change I want out of the marriage. I can't live like this."
Just like you told us.
This is NOT acceptable behavior. AT all. If it was YOU doing this, I'd tell HER to leave your ass if you don't SEE a doctor and get into anger-management. So I'll say the same to you. Tell her she needs to set up an appointment with her doctor ASAP, get a sleep study if need be, GET help AND get some anger-management too because this is NOT what you signed up for when you got married. If you ARE willing to BE there and support her for this, make sure she knows, but ALSO be firm that this IS an ultimatum. She gets help or you walk. No trying to "fix" it herself. No "self-help books" She needs to see a doctor and get to the root of the no sleeping.
I do agree lack of sleep will do horrible things to your personality. It's soul destroying. But she isn't just doing to herself, it's like ripples in a pond, it spreads out, to you, the pets, random strangers, family and friends. IT'S BAD. Not sleeping affects her mental health as well, she doesn't WANT to be this way either.
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