A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I used to identify as a lesbian, and had only had serious relationships with women, however I fell madly in love with my male best friend, who has now been my partner for the past three years. We have an excellent relationship and have many exciting plans together. The sex we have had has been some of the best sex I have ever had, and I am attracted to him physically. We make each other laugh uncontrollably and have supported each other through some really tough times and come out stronger. However I am starting to question my sexuality ,and despite my intense love for my partner, and a satisfying sex life with him, I am beginning to yearn for a woman’s body, and the feeling of being in a loving relationship with a female. I feel I want sex with my partner less frequently these days, despite it being physically satisfying, it doesn’t turn me on as much as it used to. I also feel a little sad sometimes when I see members of the gay community, for I feel it was a community that I very much felt a part of, and now being in a heterosexual relationship means I don’t feel I belong fully within that community anymore, which I find feels a little bit odd to me. I now have to identify as ‘bisexual’ as I’m with a man, however, it almost feels wrong for me to identify as this (and I don’t say this out of biphobia, I simply mean it feels ‘wrong’ for me), and so I find myself identifying as a lesbian still, as this feels more true to me and right for me. These feelings have been exacerbated somewhat with the re-emergence of a woman who I have loved intensely for seven years, who I have always had an amazing connection with, but who I had always previously thought was unavailable (she was previously married, and I didn’t realise all these years she felt the same way towards me). I feel really torn, as I am deeply in love with two people, and my sexuality is quite complicated. Whilst I yearn for a woman now, I can’t be 100% sure that after three years of living with a woman with the mundanity of everyday life , that there wouldn’t be aspects of sex with a man that I would miss (I’m not saying that I definitely would, but I honestly have no idea!), plus it would be natural to expect any prospective partner not to turn me on as much after three years of living together, regardless of their gender- I know the initial throws of passion wear off over time, and sex with my current partner is still good. I have been honest about my love for this other person to my partner, and we have decided to open up our relationship to allow us both to pursue women if we wish. This idea suits me and makes me feel a little more relaxed about my sexuality, and seems an interesting avenue to explore, and has brought an interesting dynamic to our relationship whilst having provoked some really deep, meaningful conversations between my partner and myself, fostering a deeper understanding and connection to one another. The woman I love however will not enter into an open relationship (understandably and not surprisingly). Whilst the sensible option may be to sit this out and stay with my partner and explore my sexuality with more available women who are open to alternative relationship models, I have a deep longing for this woman (and always have had), and think of her often, and I know she feels the same towards me, and on some level I doubt I would even want or need an open relationship with this person, though I could be deluded in my thinking as I have not spent three years living happily with her so who could say? The way we feel for each other is so beautiful and intense and always has been. Had I known that a relationship with her were at all possible years ago I would have kept myself available for her. If I believed in soul mates I would say she is mine as our connection was apparent from the onset and It really is incredible (I don’t think I do believe in soul mates for what it’s worth- I’m just trying to describe my feelings as accurately as possible!) However I would also like to reiterate that my relationship with my partner is exceptionally good excluding the doubts about my sexuality, and we have so much fun together and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and the thought of hurting him makes me feel physically sick. He loves me very deeply and I know he would be devastated if I were to leave him. However if I am in fact gay this is obviously quite significant! I’m confused, any chance of talking some sense into me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2017): Its not manditory that you relate to one or the other. Being Bi is ok. You are not selling out just because you enjoy both men and women. The fact that your male partner is ok with you contiuning with your lesiban side shows how much he loves you. He's a keeper. It would seem to me that the conflict is with your female love and her unwillingness to share you with him. Would she be willing to share you with another woman? Remember, this is YOUR life. You are willing to share, he is willing to share but she is not. Has she met him? I understand that you each wanted the other without realizing it. Now that you know, I would try really hard to convince her to try sharing you with him. Maybe you could find someone else whom would be ok with a poly type relationship. I would hate for you to lose one just to satisfy the other. In the end, you would be the one losing
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 PS. Don't be scared to join in on the gay scene, just because you are in a "straight" relationship. You're not straight just because you happen to be with a man right now. You still, very much so, do belong to the gay scene and can happily join any Pride. Im bisexual, as mentioned, and have only ever had relationships with men. But I am a big partaker at the gay scene, I walk in the Pride parade every year, join in on the festivities and it's the best week/day of the year when I get to wave my bisexual flag and dance around with Bears and look at strap-ons and eat pop-corn with rainbow colors. Go join the gay scene again, I think you miss that more than you miss pussy. You have tried to cut out a part of your identity, no wonder you feel you are missing out and have a deep longing within you. You're not embracing who you are.
People always think Im straight when they see me with my boyfriends, but since Im on the barricades for gay rights, they quickly discover otherwise, lol. It's liberating. But then again, Im becoming quite the public person with having been in both national newspapers and on the radio lately, so I can quite easily bring my bisexuality into conversation. It's not so easy if you prefer to be anonymous. But if you want to show it off, wear a rainbow pin, or wallet, or something else with the rainbow, and I am sure you will find your identity again, both to yourself and in conversations with others. And if people ask what you identify as sexually, just be honest. You don't have a label. He is your first boyfriend, and you love him, and that's all you need to know.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 March 2017):
I think you are too self absorbed here. This isn't about you exploring your sexuality. You have already explored. You have been with women before, it's not unchartered territory. You are asking to open the relationship, not to explore sexuality, but to nail it with this woman you lust after.
Lets just call it for what it is and not wrap it up in pretty words of personal-development. You want to have sex with more than one person. If so, a MONOGAMOUS relationship isn't for you. Fair enough. Just be honest with yourself. Or else you will look back and think "what the heck was I doing".
Also realize that while you might delude yourself into thinking that an open relationship is somehow good for your relationship, it isn't. You are hurting your man, and you are dooming your relationship. Dare to look directly at that. Don't wrap it up neatly with pretty words of "deep communication". You're the one who wants to sleep with someone else, not him. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd never see it as a positive. Your man is just being too scared to lose you to say no.
And now, don't sit here and think Im judging you, because Im not. Im bisexual, and I too did what you're trying to do here. I had an open relationship with a man, in which I was allowed to have sex with other women. He wasn't. He was fine with that, on the outside. But I know he wasn't fine with it on the inside, I was just too selfish to care. And I thought, well, he AGREED to it, so he must be fine with it. But the thing is, if you care about someone, you put them before yourself. I put myself first in that relationship, and honestly, I didn't care about his feelings. I became infuriated when he once tried to suggest we become monogamous and I don't sleep with women. I would have, in all honesty, dumped him if he had laid down an ultimatum. He was shit scared of losing me, because he was so much in love. He put me before himself. As I should have. And if I was unable to do this, then I had no business being in a relationship with him.
Im just telling you the truth. If you enter a monogamous relationship, or enter a relationship with a person who at his core wishes a monogamous relationship, you have NO BUSINESS trying to enforce an open relationship on them. You can't have your cake and eat it too and make ZERO sacrifices only to please your own ego.
You do what you want, but Im telling you from experience that it will come and bite you in the butt. Bad karma, or bad conscience, call it what you want. But your relationship with this man of yours is going to go down the drain, I can promise you that much. He will resent you, deeply, for this. And then he will dump you for someone else.
The thing is, if you choose to enter a monogamous relationship, there are some things you will have to sacrifice. And that is: sleeping with other people. No matter their gender. That's what you fail to see here. Whether you call yourself lesbian, or bisexual, or whatever, makes no difference. The lusting for a person, in a sexual manner, outside of your relationship, is the same. No matter the gender. If you were purely straight, you would be lusting after other men too. Maybe you haven't experienced it before in a relationship, but most of us do not go blind once we enter a relationship. We do not get emotionally chopped off either. We will have crushes on other people outside the relationship, we will lust after other people sexually. This in itself is not a sign that the relationship isn't the right one for you, or that you need to open the relationship up, or that you should sleep with other people. It's a sign of being a human, sexual being.
Entering a monogamous relationship means sacrificing having sex with others. This isn't a sacrifice if you NEVER lust after others. But most of us, like I said, do not go blind. We do lust after others. And we CHOOSE not to have open relationships, or cheat, because we WANT a monogamous relationship.
The question you need to ask yourself now, and for all future relationships alike, is: Do I want a monogamous relationship? Is the pleasure of having one partner, perhaps a partner for life, someone to build a home with, someone to grow old with, or someone who I can just depend on... is it worth having to give up sex with others for?
I take it this is the first time you have experienced lusting for someone else while in a relationship, which is why you are confused. It is only natural for you to ask these question. But the answer is that you make a choice to either have a monogamous relationship or not. Doesn't matter what you call yourself, or label yourself, or the gender of the person you are lusting after. You make a choice to either have a monogamous relationship, or not. And then you need to face the fact that very, very few people actually WANT open relationships. People who want relationships tend to want monogamous ones. Also, if you have an open relationship you DO lose the benefits of a monogamous relationship. In the end, you just need to choose what is most important to you, and what you truly want.
Maybe a monogamous relationship, and the possibility to build a home, a future and have a family with just one person, maybe this isn't important to you right now. In which case, fine, have an open relationship for as long as it lasts until he grows tired of it (and trust me, once that bridge is crossed and you have slept with someone else, you can never go back). Or just end it with him and be single and sleep around. You will find yourself at this very same crossroad with EVERY relationship you enter. This isn't something that only happens to bisexual/lesbians who enter relationships with males. It happens to all people in all relationships, which is why the concept of cheating exists. Staying monogamous is a choice you either stand by or not. It's something you need to choose, and there are sacrifices you must make. Unless you are in the rare, tiny percentage who goes blind when they enter a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Hi I'm the OP.I appreciate your honesty and I certainly would never take any frankness the wrong way. However I do feel that you may have misunderstood my feelings and emotions within this. You see I DO very much love my partner, however I KNOW I would never love another man, and the 'feelings of temptation' you are describing are not as such feelings of temptation, but more a deep longing for a female, to the point where if I see a lesbian sex scene on TV I almost want to cry, because this is a deep desire of mine to the point where it feels as though it is who I am. But as confusing and contradictory as this may seem, I DO love my partner unimaginably, and we have an awesome relationship together- I'm not feeling restless or bored as you seem to have deduced from my post, if I was this problem would be more simple for me to solve. I would never question my relationship over some little 'temptation'. I have also had many relationships prior to now- I'm not inexperienced in this respect despite being young.Also we are not in a monogamous relationship- we would call it a polyamorous relationship now. Which could satisfy my need for a female and allow me to work out my sexuality in an open and honest way without doing anything drastic in order to do this. So as much as I do disagree with some of what you said (or not so much disagree but feel you've misunderstood my feelings and motivations) I do thank you as I think the process of putting forward my case and considering valid points in what you have got to say has allowed me to come to some sort of conclusion. I'm good to stay put at this moment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Bisexuality allows you to be both physically and emotionally attracted to either sex; but when in a committed-monogamous relationship, you still have to honor your commitment. You can't go randomly chasing your urges left and right; you still follow the rules of fidelity and trust in your existing relationship.
If you're not ready for commitment and feel you haven't had enough time to experiment and explore your sexuality; then be honest with yourself about that.
It doesn't matter whether it is a man or a woman; you practice self-control and be considerate of the feelings of your present partner. He trusts you, and took a big risk knowing you are also attracted to women. He can't compete with that; but the point was he wouldn't have to if he surrendered his heart to you. Which he apparently has.
Surely, spontaneously or unintentionally, people may suddenly become sexually-attracted to other people. But don't try to slide it over that you suddenly feel unfulfilled; because it still comes down to wanting sex with someone other than the person you're supposed to be committed to and in-love with.
One of the biggest challenges to any relationship is temptation. You're human, and that is going to happen in your relationship from time to time. It happens to everyone at some point in their relationship.
You are very young, so you are still in a phase of discovery. That's not an excuse. It's a fact. You can't fall in-love one minute, and decide you'd rather have someone else the next. It means you never were in-love in the first place; and simply followed an impulse that you took to the extreme. Then comes reality and the realization (if not regret) that you committed too hastily. That too, happens to all of us.
I'm not judging you, or being harsh. I'm educating you about your ambiguous feelings. I've quite a lot of experience.
The purpose of commitment is to exclude other people and focus your feelings and emotions on the person who is doing the same for you. Don't try to be clever and make an excuse for feeling restless or bored; and now you want to change flavors. Nope, kiddo, it doesn't work like that. If you suddenly decide you want something different; then do right by your partner, and end the relationship. He doesn't need to be the victim of your ambiguity, or lustful desires for someone else. He could have waited and offered his feelings to someone more committed in-love, and unwavering about it. However; it is what it is. He took the chance, and it is good. Only you just can't take love back, once it's given.
There are really no doubts about your sexuality, my dear. It still boils down to, you loved him yesterday; but today you saw something else you like, and now you're not so sure. It could be the same if your partner was a lesbian. You might decide in a moment of weakness or lust; you may want sex with someone else. Either gender may apply, in your case.
You may be confused; but you're either gay, or you're not.
Bisexuality still falls under the category of homosexuality; because you are both emotionally and sexually-attracted to the same-sex. Truly-heterosexual people don't desire sex with anyone of the same-sex; although they can be very strongly attached emotionally to someone of the same-sex.
Even to the degree they may even wonder themselves. If the urge to have sex never comes to mind, it's just deep love and affection. I've had some straight people ask is it weird to feel so strongly. That's what loving someone means. Yet it is in a different context or category, no less powerful.
Gays often confuse this profound fondness and take it the wrong way; often ruining their friendships with straight people. They want the whole-package including sex; which that friend is unable and unwilling to deliver.
It would take extreme circumstances or manipulation for them to cross that line intentionally or voluntarily. If they do cross intentionally, then they've discovered something that was always there and they've just discovered their true nature. I will never buy the bullsh*t argument that it's a choice. You're born this way.
So you're feeling the urge to move on. The experiment may be over; or you've reached the expiration-date for this relationship, and would like to date other people. Don't trivialize it or rationalize it as maybe you don't like boys after all. If you love and enjoy sex with him, you can love boys too. There are measures or levels of attraction. You may like being with women more than guys. You still have to be faithful to whomever you commit yourself to; and fight urges to go back and forth out of convenience or for the selfish pleasure of it. That's cruel and irresponsible. The bad karma falls on you. Eventually you'll feel the sting of heartbreak that you've inflicted on others.
Let's call a spade a spade. I'm gay too, by the way. You're very young, and it's not unusual to want to have a series of relationships; until you find one you never want to leave.
I truly hope you don't take my frankness in the wrong way.
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