A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why cant men understand how many women feel about porn? Especially after we marry and have babies.Like it or not guys, we mothers often give up a lot when we marry and have kids, Its pretty heartbreaking when we lose our pre baby bodies and end up with stretch marks and sags of motherhood (TO HAVE YOUR BABIES ) only to find our husbands mats....ing over flawless 20yr olds, . Lets face it the majority of men would not be impressed to find their wives getting of to your well hung studs (regardless of what they say).Even those of us who are healthier and fitter than before babies still experience unavoidable changes that often make us feel less desirable to our husbands.To see them seeking out these womens bodies to look at hardly makes us feel sexy. If most husbands spent half the time they do looking at other women on complimenting and desiring their wives I believe they would be getting a lot more sex.At the end of the day I guess it comes down to what more important to you, perving on some other women or your wifes feelings?If its the former, then you probably shouldn't be married
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): Hey everyone!
here is the deal...I would do ANYTHING that my husband wants me to do but he STILL looks at Porn... he even emails porn pic of womens rear ends to his phone. and during sex the way that he gets off is like this: he wants me face down & Booty up. sorry gang but this is how all those women in those pics are. andI wont go into those booty shaking videos on youtube... now he has signed up for webcams OMG I AM SO TIRED! I have done EVERYTHING that I can think of...I am tired. He just wont stop. I love my husband and want this marriage to work. but he just WONT STOP...this is hurting me more than he probably cares... we wont even talk about having sex. booty up face down makes me feel like I am inanimate OBJECT for him to pound...I have tried & tried to go along with this...but i think that I deserve to have a man that can thoughrouly (pardon the spelling) enjoy what I have to give to a man...
sorry for rambling but i just stumbled on this site and I need to vent...any advise? by the way other than that he is a great man pays bills handles business all that...it is just the porn....help...i am drowning
A
female
reader, SweetSerendipity +, writes (29 March 2009):
Each case is unique, though similarities and case studies can be drawn as reference.
One female anom has it correctly. Have a stack of sexy pics of men with rock hard body or chiselled looks, then masturbate to them, in front of him (particularly when he is hard or when he wants sex with you). Or worse, have those photos for you to look (in bed) when you have sex with him. If he commented that it was disrespectful of you to do that to him, then you can smile sweetly and say "but you do it to me, sweetie".
If he still does not mind that you do those things (yes, men could be thick sometimes lol), then perhaps you need to go the SatinDesire way. Or, you may need to release your energy by doing more things to spend your energy (working out, working in shelters, volunteering in school, etc).
Let's not blame that babies and children get in the way of the husband getting any attention or love from the wife in this situation.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): I would love to be able to answer these questions but I can't.I have a husband, we are in our late 50's and have been married only 8 years. I was supposed to be 'the love of his life' but I am forever catching him watching porn online. I want sex from him but on the rare occasions it is only short and quick , always leaving me high and dry. I have to initiate any sexual activity, he never does. Yet he says he loves me. If I didn't approach him he would be quite happy to go to bed, give me a quick peck on the cheek and read his book. Alright I don't have the greatest body after having 9 kids. But it is the same one I had when he married me! I can't get my head around why he prefers porn to me. It hurts. It is degrading. It makes a mockery of our marriage. I don't understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): I feel it unfair to put men's porn use on the woman. To say a man uses porn because his partner bailed on a contract is a fallacy. My boyfriend uses porn because he loves to be attracted to other women; it feels exciting for him, and he masturbates to porn. And here is the interesting point: I want to have sex all day every day, and I'm considerably attractive; built like a porn star, and yet he still scopes women everywhere he goes and enjoy his porn.
Then,Satindesire contradicts herself when she says she has sex with her husband twice in four months, they are very happy and close, and then summarizes by saying if there isn't enough sex, then the relationship is sour.
Please pardon all the comments calling you controlling or jealous or insecure. The fact is, your feelings are legitimate: your husband is more stimulated by images of other women than he is you, at this time. This can be painful.
I would let my partner know my thoughts and feelings about his porn use, but then I would make it even. I would definitely openly and shamelessly look at images of nude men and their genitals and check out what it can do for me. This will probably help you to get to the point of thoughtfully asking your husband, "How would you feel or what would you think of my using images of men to be stimulated?"
Some couples find porn acceptable, as you've read, some don't. You just need to get to the point of having the Come To Jesus Talk and put it all on the table and hopefully come to an understanding.
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A
male
reader, YesYesNoYes  +, writes (14 March 2009):
It sounds like you're angry. I understand how it must hurt you. Know that he isn't doing this to hurt you. And though may feel it wrong, it isn't. This is how people are built.
But you seem to be ignoring that your husband has feelings and desires too.
You're built with the desire to make children. So is he. You're desire changed, his didn't.
One very honest note is that I've never met a man who had to do this if his wife was open to sex. You need to be there for him every day. If not, his is fulfilling the part of the contract you bailed on.
I hope you can understand that this is part of 100% of men's lives. To expect any different is wrong and will end badly for you both.
Wishing the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Army Medic states.....'He does not desire the 20 somethings he see's in porn, if he did he would have left you by now! They are just images put there to spark his imagination.' but this statement does not take into account that about 99% of men couldn't snare a porn star model if their lives depended on it...The fact they haven't left their wives for one doesn't mean they love their wives and reject the possibility of having a porn star, it simply means they know they can never have the ultimate woman of their fantasies.....why don't women realise this?Perhaps the reality of it would mean they had to face the ugly truth about men.The only decent advice came from Fatherly advice...and to all the women who think their so cool and secure by accepting porn...the secure women are the ones who stand up and say I'm not putting up with this crap and have respect for themselves and other women...shame on you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): sorry babes, but your talking about yourself here. I'm a woman and I like porn, and I have shared this hobby with my partner. I don't do jealousy or bitterness it's a waste of time. Men can fancy many people, and women can look at many men. But when you trust and love one another, it dosen't mean anything. Beautiful people are like flowers or rainbows, nice to look at, but impossible to touch. I only fight about things that matter, and I would hate for a man to try to control what I look at or what I like to do. I guess many men are just like me. Sorry your having problems in your relationship, but maybe if you try to understand that people are all different, and like different things, you may find (just like me) you have no problems with relationship and men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Why can't women understand that dropping hubbie to the bottom of your priority list can have consequences?Whilst courting, he's number one, you can't do enough for him. Then you marry, and it's not so tough to juggle him and a career and keep everyone happy. Then you start having "his babies" (whether he wants them or not). And he finds himself having dropped from #1 on your list of priorities. Behind the kids, behind the career, maybe even behind the dog. If sex more than every few weeks is too much of a chore, don't be surprised if he's surfing the web for gratification.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): There are men who understand, unfortunately it sounds like your man is not one of them. This topic is making it into the divorce courts across america, so don't feel that you are the only woman that disagrees with your husband on this.There are support boards out there for women in your predicament, love the man, hate the habits. I feel this is something that needs to be brought into discussion early in a relationship because it will rip the love you have for this man right out of your heart. I understand completely but my ex carried it to the extreme, he ended up being a sex addict and stopped having sex with me and preferred his own hand. This is not as uncommon as people think, especially in long-term relationships.The only thing you can realistically do at this point is ask yourself A. can you live with this?B. ask your husband if he is willing to change if you can'tC. say the serenity prayer each day until the answer comes to youGod, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changeThe courage to change the things I canand the wisdom to know the differenceStaying in a relationship with this particular conflict will make both of you bitter and hard, don't do it.Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 There's a movie called "Fireproof" that's pretty eye opening on the subject.
I love having a relationship but I also love to have time for myself to masturbate.
Sometime, I do encounter people who don't like porn that much, I usually ask if she would like to make videos or take pictures while we have sex to make our own little porno.
When I masturbate, I don't really care what I'm looking at, I just want to look at a girl naked.
It's even better when it's pictures of my girlfriend because it's not only a girl on a picture/video, I actually remember the feeling I get when I was having sex with her.
Hope it helps
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 March 2009):
 O K, I'm Going to get my 2 cents in. I'm anti porn. First would you feel any better about it if he was looking at pictures of everyday girls, even older girls? It's all out there.
In my opinion Guys use porn because it is easy. Loving a real woman takes time and work, and stretching your mind to understand their needs. Porn takes one click, instant gratification. Make no mistake in my mind porn is cheating. It is having sexual excitement from another source. Many will disagree with this. Some have gone to the extreme of thinking that guys are entitled to it. It is an addiction. It is damaging to relationships. It is not victimless.
I do want to add one little comment about romance novels, I have in the past felt very jealous of the heros in my wife's books. I would say that the feelings you have expressed pretty much matched mine. I felt that there was no way to compete with these artificial constructs. And how do you think I felt when she would finish up a book and start to snuggle up to me for sex. I was the replacement.
O K I've rattled on for a long time and not really answered the question. Men don't understand how you feel about porn for three reasons. One, society tells them that it is their right to have it. Two, they don't take it seriously because it is cheap and easy. Three, they are addicted and will use any rationalization to keep getting their fixes.
FA
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (10 March 2009):
 because not all women feel the same about porn - and not all men like porn either....thats why neither can understand the other because we dont communicate enough...
i'm a woman, last i checked, and i dont mind porn, i dont watch it often but if it was in the house i wouldnt go crazy about it. My husband isnt a huge fan of porn either, but again, he's not anti-porn...
I dont thinktheres any harm in it either way ....depends on the persons view :)
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (10 March 2009):
 I get it. I don't watch porn when I'm in a relationship at all. I haven't watched it in years, don't miss it. And surprise, surprise, anonymous poster- I have no "natural urge" to cheat on my girlfriend.
Porn isn't that big of a deal. Not for me at least. I don't find it important enough to cling onto, so I willingly stop when I'm with a girl I love, because... it just doesn't matter to me enough to put her through the ringer. I find my imagination better, anyway.
Myths about men being more visually aroused are always brought up in these discussions, but they are just myths. Studies have shown women are very visually aroused, and by a wide assortment of images, including things like monkeys having sex, basically anything remotely sexual arouses a women. But women aren't always aware that they are aroused (with men it's sort of... um... obvious). The difference when viewing sexual images is found in brain activity, NOT arousal. Men's emotional brain centers are more active. But both genders report the same levels of arousals in studies.
Anyway for the record I would like to posit that less men than we believe actually watch porn. I think if you take an internet survey, you'll get skewed results, as you'll get results from men who use the internet frequently and the internet is the prime source for porn. So trust me that more men "get it" than you might know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Are you getting all the sex you want?
Is your husband faithful?
Is he a good father to your children?
If the answer to these questions are yes, then I don't see what the problem is.
"ArmyMedic" is absolutely right here. You are taking this way too personally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Considering how much trouble we men have always had with being naturally driven to cheat with other real women, I think looking at photos of other nameless chicks we'll never possibly have any contact with is an improvement.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Because women don't understand how men feel about porn!
Men are visually aroused, where as women are mentally aroused so YES by complimenting you they would get more sex, but men have to use their eyes and not their imagination to get turned on and get a bit of a thrill.
He does not desire the 20 somethings he see's in porn, if he did he would have left you by now! They are just images put there to spark his imagination.
It's like you reading, Jane Ayre! NO SERIOUSLY IT IS! I know this doesn't make sense to you but that is how guys brains works. Try reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
He loves you but he he needs to make his personal time more personal and subtle! As long as you two still have a healthy sex life I don't think you have got anything to worry about.
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