A
male
age
36-40,
*oshgw22
writes: I have a follow up question still pertaining to the question i asked on March 2nd the link is here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-a-break-up-coming-on-and.htmlMy wife has been lying to me about one of her male friends at work. like having him in her car and even having his cell number (which i just found out tonight) and i have told her im not a jealous person and have no problem with friends regardless of what sex just so long as she is open and honest with me about who she is making friends with. and she has been trying to hide the fact that she ineteracts with him at all but hasn't done a good job covering it up cus she forgot to take HIS garbage out of her car and i asked ab out whos ciggarrette pack and lighter it was and she lied at first. But becouse it was obvious she had to admitt it. and tonight i cought her calling his cell phone while he was at work and she told me she called the work number but i knew she was lieing. Please go to my question ( link above) so you can understand whats been going on with us. I really need to talk to someone other than her right now (she is MAD at me because i am mad at her for lying to me) Anyway my question(s) are:1) am I over reacting about being mad at her for this? ( i'm mad about her lieing to my face and being decietful, only a bit mad about it being a guy)2)What is your opinion on whats going on with her and him?3) what would you do and how should i handle this situation, having lost all trust in her? ( not the first time i've cought her in a lie)
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male
reader, kinkydude  +, writes (23 March 2009):
I'm sorry about this. And you do have a right to be angry, because she obviously doesn't respect you enough to tell the truth.
I think you need to confront her openly.
Its clear that your relationship is not important to her anymore. She seems like the selfish type. Not saying anything until some clear direction is happening with this new person. She's probably interested. If not in him, certainly in trying to find another guy.
What you should do is calmly step away from this and look to your life and taking care of your daughter (you do have a child, correct). If there's a divorce, and you don't have a job, custody will probably go to her. So take care of the basics in your life. I'm sorry to say, that if she's given up on your relationship, and is not willing to respect you, there's probably not much chance of working things out. Not NOW anyway. Maybe later, if she's unable to meet anyone she deems "better" for her.
Don't take is as a personal slight. Improve yourself, make things better for the next time around, when your're more mature, and you meet a cooler chick. Don't jump into marriage right away either. This is why pre-marital relations can be a good thing. You know what your jumping in to.
You see, a relationship is really cemented by understanding the male/female dynamic. Sex plays an important part in this, but Sex is viewed quite differently between the male and female perspectives. Now while it seems I'm digressing, I believe I'm telling you the very issue that went wrong in the first place. When you are young and inexperienced in relationships you often just DO things out of merely doing them. Without thought. And then when the relationship fails, no one really knows why. A big part of it, is that we fail to see from the perspective of the other. a Man cannot explain to the woman he loves how it is logical to do this, that or other. while her emotions and thoughts are so dense, a man fails to understand the intensity and complexity of whats going on with her. We're lost. And she's confused by the multitude of her thoughts. The healing factor is mediation (but this is a bit out of your league). So lets keep it within the realm of "life's novice".
Empathy-
Also- look into Karezza.
Sex is not just going to the main course, but talk, romance, dinner, movies,
her feeling completely comfortable. Women are water, men fire.
The understanding of these principles can lead women and men to a greater connection.
I'm sorry that your child must suffer through this. Ultimately marrying young doesn't help anyone, does it. And who suffers the most.
I'm a religious person, a believer in God. But I promote pre-marital sex because how else are we to know if the union can work through the long run?
Dating should last a good number of years before marriage.
Well good luck
A
male
reader, Joshgw22 +, writes (11 March 2009):
Joshgw22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i think you did a great job answering this for me but that night things got really heated, she was mad at my attitude and the way i was acting, well one thing led to another and she pulled the internet cable out of the pc i was using, i then went to grab a ciggarrette and she grabbed the pack first, i went to grab it out of her hand and she hit me, in the eyebrow area with my glasses on and gave me a cut( 2 cuts) she felt horrible and then we started talking camly later that night and now were getting along but i cant help but feel that things are still not right. she seems to not want to have any physical contact like kissing or sex but does want to me hold her and run my fingers through her hair and stuff like that, and tells me that she has never cheated, loves me with all her heart and only me and only wants me. what is going on in her head, from a womens perspective. I just don't know how I should carry myself (my actions/ towards her and this situation) becouse I don't know what is going on in her head. Is she telling the truth or is she hiding something from me and if so what and why?Thanks so much!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I think your wife is emotionally abusing you with all her lies. You know her best and what she is capable of. I know that you love her but you need to see the situation as it is. It seems as though she is having an affair - but how do you confront her? do you still work at your marriage after she confesses. Would she want to chage her ways and try to make your marriage work. For both of you to improve the relationship she needs to disengage herself from the male colleague. Too much of lies and deceit on her part. Why so much of lies? To cover up something that she is doing wrong? Yes the trust is broken but how do you fix it. Perhaps counselling and making a real effort for your child and marriage. You are not over reacting. As i said previously she is emotionally abusing you with the mistrust and lies and deceit. She owes it to you and your marriage to come clean. Somehow I get the feeling that she will not until she is actually caught.Sorry, I cannot give you any more advice. Perhaps the more seasoned agony aunts can assist here with their invaluable advice and guidance. I just wish you strength and courage during these trying times. Don't let her play you. You deserve the truth and closure to this. Take care of your health. Do not let her destroy you. Regards
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