A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I seem to be caught in a cycle of rejection and I need help to break out of it! My long-term relationship ended nearly three years ago and this year I decided to try dating. In the last few months I have been rejected by four men and I can't figure out why. All four men pursued me - at the beginning but somewhere between the first date and two months they just go cold on me and don't seem to want to know anymore. It isn't because I slept with them either. They must have been interested in me in the first place to ask me out and spend time with me but they all gave me the "I don't want a relationship" line. I have been told by my friends that I am going for guys with "issues" (alcohol problems, depression) and that I'm just picking the wrong men but they picked me! The fact that my friends think these guys have "issues" and they dump me helps my self-esteem even less - no one wants to be dumped by guys that other people perceive as losers! I'm told I'm attractive, I have an interesting job and a great social life with my friends so I can't understand why I don't seem to be able to hold onto a man once he has shown interest in me. Any ideas please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Maybe they could be picking up that you are only with them through desperation so they feel used and dump you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello
Thanks everyone - there's LOTS of really helpful advice here and I'm already starting to feel a little bit better! Its very difficult dating in a small town and all my friends are in relationships so I think I am falling for whatever I can get which makes it even harder when they suddenly turn round and declare they no longer want to date or spend time with me. I think I need to try and work on my self esteem.
Thanks again x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You've lost several losers with issues recently. What a great outcome. Who wants guys with issues?
Your friends obviously think you are worthy of a much nicer partner than the ones you have been accepting into your life.
But for you to have attracted several guys who behaved in similar ways, or sent the same signals to your friends, suggests you are sending out particular signals - and like moths to a flame they are attracted to you.
Make it a rule that you are over guys who have dead end jobs, who drink excessively, who are not up to your standards, that you set, in any way.
Join a group doing something good. Meet other good people in the group
Join a group that takes long hiking walks together and meet others who care about fitness.
Join a group interested in raising awareness about something noble in the community, and meet other noble people.
Change the product, you.
Get a change of image, If you wear mineral makeup or heavy makeup then use softer makeup.
If your hair is nondescript then get a better cut to lift your image.
Update your wardrobe. If you normally wear flirty clothes then try more classic elegant clothes.
Get more ambitious in your job seeking skills. Work out if there is any study course you could attend that would help you get a better job. Enroll in the course and really try to do well in it.
Change your goals. Work out what you really want in a man, his character, his goals, his motivations, his outlook on life, make a list, and go looking for that man.
Change your approach. Ask for what you want. Dont just accept any man who offers his friendship, if he does not comply with your criteria.
Stop looking for guys in places like pubs and places where alcohol IS the entertainment.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 November 2010):
I think there are two things going on here.
The first, is that I think maybe these guys are approaching you just for sex, but you're holding out (which is good - so don't give that up), so they're wandering off elsewhere. The way they come along, then stay for maybe a few months and then give you the 'I don't want a relationship' line strikes as a bunch of men just after one thing. So, stick to what you're doing in terms of not giving in and make a man work for your attention and affection.
Secondly, your friends have pointed out that for whatever reason, the guys who come to you aren't that great. I suspect these men see a confident, outgoing women who is up for one thin - sex. Then when they get to know you, they realize you're not like that so they move on. Basically, you're too damned good for them in the first place. You've no reason to have low self esteem, you really don't. It's not your problem that those guys are great.
The best thing you can do, since you have a great social life, an interesting job and such, is to either just relax and continue to meet guys as you please and see what they're like, or to go out and find a guy who suits you (meaning you make the first move and such). Also, maybe change the places you meet men too (not bars, pubs etc)
But please don't think this is your fault. It's not. You've just got to work through the rubbish to find the gem.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Showing interest does not meal that the deal is done, or that there is any deal to do, as for that.
I don't think it was a line. If they told you "!I don't want a relationship ", they did not want a relationship. Maybe they wanted casual dates , or just sex- and they got that you weren't on the same page. It's good that this happened at the very beginning, rather than after months of ambiguities and "hide-and-seek ".
As for the " I did not pick them, they picked me ",...well- you LET them pick you. Once you decide which are your boundaries and deal breakers, the elimination process is simple and authomatic. Alcohol problems ? No thanks- next.
Depression- no thanks-next. And so on and so forth.
I know this is only for the brave - you have to feel and act confident as if your potential dating pool were unlimited, at an age when you start fearing, or actually noticing, that is dwindling .
So ? Better alone than mismatched. At least, that should be the attitude :).
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, except perhaps the very fact that you are afraid of being selective and
maybe come off as anxious to settle for ... whatever
you can get. It's the very fact that you are willing,and eager, to admit problem guys in your life, that gives these problem guys ( or losers as your friends call them ) the impulse to turn you down.
If we really want to call it "turning you down ", which to me is not. It's just... dating. It's a bit like window shopping : you see things that look nice, or interesting, but not always you are motivated enough to go back for the final purchase.
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A
female
reader, MayMay1  +, writes (16 November 2010):
Hey Girl
Ive found that in life you attract what you put out, in no way am I saying that you are an alcoholic or depressed but what I am saying is that try and be positive and have positivity around you. You're more likely to attract the right guy who wants a long term relationship with you when you put out the right type of signals...
Know what type of man you want, always keep that in my mind- have your standards and know exactly what you will accept and what are your non-negotiables... Write it down if you have to...And stick to it. so everytime a guy comes along but has a quality that you said you would never accepy DONT and move on.. You say you have a great social life and good people around you so dont think that you have to grab every man that comes your way...
you say that the wrong men are picking you, but at the same time you have the right to reject them, you can do as you please..... Start serioulsy thinking about the guy you want to attract, put his qualities on paper..... this will help you reject the idiots and not waste time on them....
Also keep this in my mind, if you want a sober man, dont be drinking heavily when you meet a guy, if you want a guy that doesnt smoke, then you shouldnt be smoking. The Laws of attraction are strange but do get what im trying to say be what you want and how you want and a guy will come according to what your wants and needs are....
Lets get over the wrong type of guy now and start working on being free, enjoying life and when Mr Right comes along you will be ready for him. let him find you and sweep you of your feet....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I think the issue here is the way you're thinking. When you said "hold onto a man", that sent the alarms off for me.
Why would you want to hold onto a man who you perceive to have issues? If you've been going out with a guy for a couple of months, and you don't have any idea why he left you, there's probably something wrong with how you go about dating in the first place. Be alert on this next time.
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