A
female
age
51-59,
*kinnybeach
writes:Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he's a major pill addict and smokes pot and is an alcoholic. Trust me I had no idea he did all these things when we started dating. We now live together with my daughter as well. This would be the 5th time we have moved in together mainly because of his addictions, lies, and doing things behind my back. He us verbally and emotionally abusive when he is on his crap. Mainly when he drinks. He promised he would quit drinking but 2 days later he got a DUI. Why can't u leave him?
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alcoholic, drunk, emotionally abusive, moved in, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 January 2016):
YAY well done OP, well done! I'm so happy you've made this huge step and that it has been a relief. Like SVC said, stay strong and don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2016):
 congrats OP... now STAY STRONG... go to AL-anon for support on this one... it's free and it's a huge help.
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A
female
reader, skinnybeach +, writes (4 January 2016):
skinnybeach is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! Just an update........i left my boyfriend and my daughter and myself are living with my mom now. Lots of stress relief...thank you everyone for advice and support.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 December 2015):
Please do leave him. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for an addict. My uncle was an alcoholic for half of his life. He'd drink aftershave when everything else had run out, he was that far gone. He was very smart and a very good liar, so he was able to fool us and the family of his fiancee for a long time that his problem wasn't that big, that he was getting better, etc. He wasn't. Eventually, after getting caught in one of his many lies, his fiancee got fed up. She told him to do something about it or she'd leave him. He made a half hearted try and after one more year of misery, she finally packed her bags and left. After that, he was heartbroken. His drinking finally had a cost him something that mattered to him.
So he cleaned himself up. Checked himself into rehab again. Despite a few relapses, he persevered and stayed sober enough to land a job. By then enough time had passed for his ex to find someone else. He found someone new too. He's been off the alcohol and happily married to her for 15 years now. He told me that if it weren't for his ex leaving him, he'd probably still be drunk or dead.
So leave him. For your and his sake.
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A
female
reader, skinnybeach +, writes (29 December 2015):
skinnybeach is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I found out this morning that the loser took the last of my xanax, that I take once in a blue moon for panic attacks that I have had for years. He didn't ask me for them and snuck behind my back and took them. Granted I don't take them often and had them for a while, it just shows what he is even more capable of and why I can't trust him
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A
female
reader, skinnybeach +, writes (28 December 2015):
skinnybeach is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your advice, I am in the works of leaving for good. I have been thinking about it for the past 3 days and today made me realize for the 1000th time that he is never going to change. He hasn't been taking any pills for a couple of days but he woke up this morning in a bad mood and complaining his back hurt, and that he could use a Lortab, and noticed he called his friend that has a prescription for them. It's just an excuse to take a pill and he's dying for something right now, I can tell by his actions
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 December 2015):
Tough love time.He's a loser. The sum total of my life experiences has told me people dont change at their core. He may have times when he's clean, but those are the "relapses." The equilibrium he will always tend to is substance abuse.Either dump him, or descend into loserhood with him. Good news is the choice is totally yours, and the results of that decision you will have 100% ownership of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): You can't leave because you believe this man can change. You are a good hearted, caring person and you love this man and believe with love he can be his best self. You can't change this man. You need to think of your daughter before him and before yourself. This girl deserves more than the dangers of growing up around a man unable to control his addictions. She is at a vulnerable age. For HER you need to get out of there ASAP.Your daughter should be your priority, get her out of that environment and into safety with you. x
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female
reader, skinnybeach +, writes (28 December 2015):
skinnybeach is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your honesty. I know what I need to do is leave and I am going to. You are right about my daughter, she doesn't need to be involvement in this relationship, environment. I love him, but at the same time I'm scared of our future which there really isn't one. Again thank you. :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2015):
IF you want to live with him (and put yourself and your child at risk) I get that. It's hard to love an addict. I do.
BUT I am married to mine and there are NO children to harm AND I am an adherent to the guidelines laid out by Al-anon.
http://al-anon.org/home
IF you must stay with him (and clearly you must as you are here asking us "why can't u leave him" (how very Freudian of you to slip up like that) then at least do it with Al-anon backing you.
For example... he got a DUI. that's ON him. NOT your fault...so you do not bail him out, do not visit him, do not alibi him, etc. LET HIM ROT IN JAIL and suffer the consequences of his behavior.
WHY do I stay with my addict...because last year on January 4th he tried to kill me in a drunken rage. I told him "get help or get out" we were married two years at the time.
He got sober. Yes he's had about 4 slips ...but he's admitted them, he's still working HARD to get better and he owns his bad behavior.
I worry not so much for you as an adult making bad decisions but for your child...do you have parents that are healthy enough to take custody of her while you work this out? It's one thing as an adult to make the choice to live and love with an addict but it's a totally irresponsible thing you do to for your child to make her suffer your bad choices.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (28 December 2015):
 Seems you're madly, absurdly attracted to him, because for the life of me I don't get why you keep coming back. Maybe you have a better reason why?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 December 2015):
 The real questions are:
1. why have you moved in with him FIVE times? and
2. why do you expose your child to his behaviour? and finally,
3. how come it took five goes at living together for you to realise he popped pills, smoked pot and is an alcoholic?
Write those three questions down and then write your answers underneath ..... think about your answers really carefully, it may take you a few weeks to be really honest with yourself.
Once you know WHY you do chose to live with him, despite his very obvious problems, and why you are prepared to expose your daughter to this environment then you will be able to work out why you believe you cant leave ...... personally I think you CAN leave and SHOULD leave, but the decision is yours!
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