A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a very ambitious 21 year old girl from India. My parents are both doctors and have always been high achievers. My relationship with my boyfriend started when I was just 16 and this is our 5th year now, he was my class fellow. My family is one of the most prestigious families in the city. Since we belong to a conservative society, I didn’t tell my parents about it earlier, they found out about it a year ago. Me and my boyfriend plan on getting married. My parents disapproved of him after they found out about him because he is studying in a below average university and I am studying in one of the top universities of India, also because his family status didnt match my parent's status, so my parents gave him a chance that if he proves himself by getting admission in one of the top universities of America, they might consider him, but my boyfriend isnt working hard enough,I have given him so many chances to prove him self, but his GPA is not good enough, he gave GRE and the score was really bad and what not. I have been compromising just because I love him, but does this mean that he doesnt even bother working hard for me? There have been so many instances when he disappointed me, I also want to see him on the top but he doesnt work hard enough and then he claims it wasnt his fault. I have tried everything but nothing works. I cant get married against my parents will, they are inconsiderate I agree, but what hurts me the most is that my boyfriend claims to love me but cant he work hard enough to get my parents' approval? I have been very faithful to him in these five years, always cared about him, but now I just cant handle all this, he just doesnt care and keeps giving me false hopes. Tell me what should I do? Should I take a break? I am desperate and confused
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a break, ambition, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): Hi Bugs, your answer brought tears to my eyes. I hope the poster reads it carefully and take note of what you said.
To the poster:
I want to ask you to remember and apply the words of William James:"The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): This post is going to be really long.I would appreciate if you take the time out to read it.
My dad is a civil engineer.My dad's family is one of the most prominent families in my place as well.I decided to have an arranged marriage as I really loved my mom and dad.My only condition was I wouldn't give dowry not even if I never got married.They couldn't find a guy in our own community who wouldn't get dowry.There was an advert in a matrimonial paper from a guy who said "NO DOWRY" in capital letters.My mom asked me to write to the guy.I did.We exchanged pictures.We wrote emails.Then came the time when he first came to see me at my home.He traveled 40 hours to reach my place.He was the first guy to come and see me at home for the girl seeing ceremony.
He was 7 years older than me.He looked very fair.He was wearing a shirt that looked like it was stitched from a table cloth.He was wearing spectacles that made his eyes seem bigger than what they were.He was as thin as a reed.My mom saw him and said,"He is so fair.you are olive skinned.He is out of your league.".As you know Indian guys are mad about fair girls.When it came for the time to discuss things my mom came to know that his dad was a driver.The Indian software market was so down at that time.He had just been laid off.So he didn't have a job either.She waited patiently till they left to the hotel they were staying in.Then all hell broke loose.I hadn't found it important to inform my parents about the profession of his dad.
My mom had high aspirations for me.She was trying to make me marry a guy from Malaysia who was more attracted to my software degree and my parent's status than me.She pointed out that the guy who came to see me was a simpleton.He would never get anywhere in life.She raged and ranted.This is what I told her,"I agree you and dad have a great marriage.(They are married for 49 years now).Money does not make a happy marriage.The only thing I expect from my guy is loyalty and love.Other things will fall in place as time goes by.you have brought me up to be intelligent and a good judge of character.I am very sure that he will keep me happy".Nothing could sway me.He asked my parents for 6 months time so that he can find a job.He spoke to my mom and dad for an hour.
At the end of 6 months,he still had not found a job.The marriage banns were read.Not a day passed by where my mom didn't sway my mind trying to tell me that he was a driver's son.She asked me to call off the banns when he didn't find a job.I felt that a word given is worth in gold.I wouldn't back out.I was willing to face anything in life.
We got married.Both of us didn't have a job.We found small jobs first.Its not a big deal being a software engineer in India.They are dime a dozen.Jobs were scarce.I was very bad at house work and house keeping since I had servants all my life to do things for me.He taught me to make Tea.Imagine that.Ha Ha.We couldn't afford to have servants at that time.He was patient with me while I learnt housekeeping and I learnt to run a home based on a shoe string budget.I was patient with him while he slowly rose in his career.I realized my mom insulted him very badly when ever we went to our home in myriad little ways.He was so patient because he fell in love with me.I just stopped going there as I couldn't bear to see him suffer silently.
Its been 5 years.One of the better 5 years of my life.I have realized people don't have to be "equally yoked" to make a marriage work.All it needs is love, patience, kindness, loyalty,understanding and forgiveness.
I could have listened to my Mom but then I would have given up on a good guy,a better husband and the best dad.
I understand our society's norms and the status problems much better than you think I do.
you can make the laziest and the most unintelligent of guys succeed in life with the right type of motivation and encouragement.There are some areas where a man cannot perform under pressure.This is one of them.He is feeling pressured by you,your parents,our society.No wonder his grades suffered.
It takes patience and a self control not to nag when things are not going your way.It takes intelligence and wisdom to realize that battles of life are not won with words of encouragement but with actions of encouragement.It takes quiet strength to stand by when your man suffers and tries to come up in life.It takes a hug to mean "I will stand by you come hell or high water.I will be there even if we have to live in a hut"
It sounds very romantic.It did work for me.Today my husband is successful.He values me for giving up the kind of life style that he can never provide for me.He is oblivious to all the girls who hit on him once he is successful as he realizes that the person who loved him for what he is,is there by his side.No amount of beauty can beat that.Oh yeah he looks darn handsome now too with the feeling of being loved.;-)
Let's face facts now.Initial hiccups are going to be there in any relationships even if you marry a guy who matches your parent's status.Its like two saplings bred in different soils and placing them in a different soil altogether.
You need to ask yourself the following questions before you make a choice.
1)Does money make me happy?
2)Can I give up the kind of life style that my parents are providing for me now?
3)Does the way society sees me and my guy matters to me?
If the answer to the above questions is yes,I would suggest that you be honest and break the news gently to the guy.Instead of getting married to him and making both of your lives miserable its better to be cruel right now.At times cruelty is kinder in the long run.
He is 21 now.Its going to take another 8 years to get himself stabilized.Your parents are asking him to follow the American dream to becoming successful.Let me open your eyes.India is doing very well financially by the grace of the lord.Me and my husband belong to the youngistan generation that are very happy being in India though we might not have an American life style.
I almost lost him yesterday to one of the blasts.I am thankful for each and every minute that I got to spend with him.Lord bless us,I hope to grow old with him.
Fade's words are so precious.I suggest you think based on them as well before you take a decision.
"I think when we put too much importance in such matters, especially when a life altering incident can take such a gift from us; "
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A
female
reader, Gypsii  +, writes (27 November 2008):
I would get rid of this guy because, as much as you love him, no man with a low work ethic is worthy of marriage. From what you say, this guy is lazy and unmotivated. Although he's in college, he's not actually prepared nor interested in marriage and this may be his way of telling you this. In fact, being in a relationship from the age of 16 to 21 is far too much of a commitment for your age. I'd suggest that you "take a break" and spend some time enjoying your youth, your life, and your FREEDOM! I understand your cultural limitations and admire that you truly honor your parents...that's a good thing. However, I also believe that you are far too young to be as wed to this young man as you are. In some ways you speak as if you're his parent and he's the child. No amount of nagging is going to change him so please do yourself a favor and give this relationship some space. I suspect that both of you need a break and the weight of this relationship has become too much. You need some time to find yourself and to figure out who you are. Life is an adventure so don't let it pass you by...in time, love with come. For a marriage to be healthy, you must be equally yoked.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (27 November 2008):
Hi there,I can feel for your situation. I am a white guy living in Canada. I fell in love with an Indian girl; we spent 4 years together and moved in with each other. She was from a very affluent family and I am Irish('nuff said). There was constant stress and pressure on me to live up to her families expectations.... the funny thing was over time I became really close with her parent and grandparents. I actually never felt that there was pressure from them. The pressure was always coming from my girlfriend and I think she was sub consciously putting this pressure on me because of her own expectations of family life. It's almost like she wanted me to feel the same pressure she did growing up. *weird right?*In the end it became the only reoccurring issue with us and led to our eventual break up.My advice to you is make sure that YOU are not putting these expectations on your BF and blaming your parents for it. If you know in your heart of hearts that he's "never going to be good enough for you" do the man a favor please and leave him alone so he can meet a girl from his own caste and live a happy life. Time is non refundable and life isn't a bollywood romance. Be totally honest and forthcoming with your Boyfriend, your Parents and most of all yourself.-Hope everything works out
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work at something - some people have a very high IQ, some have a low IQ. It might not be that he isn't trying, perhaps he's just not as intelligent as you would like him to be.
Not everyone can make it into prestigious universities, become doctors or university professors. Where would we be without your average plumber, electrician or even the chap who throws rubbish into the back of the refuse cart?
All people play a vital part in the running of our communities.
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