A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey there...I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. we live together, and we always talk about getting married someday... i love him more than anything and want to spend my life with him, but i have some issues i kinda need help with... when we first started dating his ex girlfriend of a year or so was still trying her best to get back with him. she knows that he's with me, but she would call him and text him constantly, and call him late at night drunk, and confess that she was still in love with him and wanted him back. he tells me that he wants nothing to do with her, and that he never even talks to her, but i've seen so much stuff on his phone already so i know he's lying. lately when he just sits there and texts her while he's with me, i get so irritated that i've looked through his phone a few times while he's asleep. normally i wouldn't do that, but it just keeps eating at me and i can't understand why he feels the need to keep in contact with her all the time, and LIE to my face about it. so i found out that the past few weeks they've been texting each other EVERY DAY. he has long conversations with her at work all day while he's texting me at the same time. oh and apparently he saw her one weekend and i didn't even know about it. the texts haven't implied that anything has happened, but it was obvious that he went to see her.now he's telling me that him and his best friend (who just happens to be her older brother) are going to the race tracks all weekend. i didn't say anything at the time but i know in my gut that she's going to be there.what do i do??? i want to trust him but this makes me so uneasy, and i certainly don't trust her!
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female
reader, lynnb84  +, writes (24 January 2008):
I think you should get out straight away. He obviously still has feelings for his ex. You obviously dont trust him or you wouldn't go through his phone. I say get rid.
A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (24 January 2008):
Hi There
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is over his ex and must have some feelings for her if he can talk to her for hours and text all the time. What on earth do they talk about? I can't think of anything I could talk to an ex about for hours.
I think you need to talk to him about how he's REALLY feeling about her, tell him that you know that he is talking to her and confess that you have looked at his phone because you know in your heart that he's lying to you, at least that way he can't lie to your face.
Ask him for complete honesty because your relationship can't survive without trust.
If he says that he's still into his ex I would advise you to let him go. If he says he is unsure then fight for him if you think he's worth it. But just to warn you that my husbands ex is still playing silly games and we've been together for 3 1/2 years so it may be a long struggle, the only reason we have got through it is because I trust him implicitly.
I hope that things work themselves out.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 If your b/f wants to cheat on you , you cannot stop him. There is no way you can watch over him for 24/7.
It would be better to resign to this fact that if his heart is not in for you , just let him go.
You need to be confident and trust in him for your own emotional and mental state.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Oh... I didn't see the part where you said that you already went through his phone... GOOD GIRL!!!
I know your pain... you are not alone.
You WILL get through this... be strong.
If you go to the race track.... DON'T GET PHYSICAL... remember that ANY UNWANTED TOUCHING (pushing, pulling hair, smacking) is "ASSAULT" and you could get arrested for that. Be Careful.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (24 January 2008):
You have EVERY RIGHT to feel uncomfortable about this situation.
You know what I would do? I would go into his cell-phone while he is sound asleep, and read his texts to her.
I would also go to the race track... confront the truth face to face. If he is with her, it will HURT, I know, but it will also settle the issue. The truth will set you free. HURT... but free.
If you go to the race track, try to be unseen. If he is with her, I know that you will not be able to hold yurself back from a confrontation... it will be tough. I have BEEN THERE... DONE THAT.
If he is with his "male" friend, remain unseen, and leave.
Maybe this is BAD ADVICE, but it is what I would do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Well I kind of wish you had clarified why he texts her and what exactly he is saying in these texts. And also if you could clarify why he went to see her. That would give me a better idea of what is going on.I only say this because you mention that her older brother is his best friend. So did him talking to her and seeing her have something to do with her brother perhaps? Or maybe since his best friend is her brother he talks to her out of respect but it really is completely platonic??If her brother wasn't his best friend, then I would see no reason whatsoever for him to keep in contact with her. But obviously they are still connected through her brother. And as long as his brother is his best friend, they are always going to have some sort of connection. I really don't know why he talks to her all day as you don't really explain what he says to her. And perhaps the only reason he saw her one weekend is because she tagged along with her brother. Look, I don't know if he is being sneaky or not (as you say he texts her right in front of you. That's NOT sneaky!) all I know is that you should calmly and unconfrontationally tell him that you don't like him having contact with her. And if he is going to keep contacting her, if he could just explain to you why he contacts her. Out of respect to YOU, you would appreciate that he please respect your place as his girlfriend and stop putting you in this position where you feel like there is another woman in his life. Tell him that this is not a position that you would ever put him in because you love him. So to please do the same for you. And see what he says. And if he continues to defy your wishes then I would definitely say he doesn't have much respect for your feelings or for your place as his girl and I would consider breaking things off, as it is inappropriate for someone who supposedly loves you to do this to you.
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