A
female
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anonymous
writes:I know that Shakespeare writes that man always has "one foot on shore and one on sea," although he says it more poetically, and he continues that women must say, "Hey nonny, nonny!" and try to accept man's nature. However, not to disagree with the Bard, but truly, what GIVES with men in "second adulthood"? One of my friends whom I've known since first grade met me with the sad news last summer that her husband no longer wants to be married to her! They'd been married 24 or more years, and raised too wonderful sons. It's incredible. She's perfect in every way, beautiful, successful - a tenured professor! - and a superb mother and wife! Then, recently, my best friend from 7th grade said she has sad news, her husband's saying that he wants a divorce. They've been married 14 years or so, and have a young daughter. He is 14 years younger than her and now she is in her fifties. but still, this wouldn't happened if the man had been the older partner! She,also, has always been stunningly beautful, though now older, but she could've had any man in the book! Also, she rose to the top of her company's financial tower, by her own diligence, although she has a selfless nature, always considering others. Why are men like this? Why aren't they more loyal "till death do us part"? And, what are women to do??? I'm so sad for my friends, and it makes me worry about my own relationship as well!! -- Highly concerned and agonized Aunt
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012):
Any guy that gets married in today’s era is crazy. The business side of marriage is that your pooling assets and forming a corporation with a partner. What logical businessman would sign a contract that ensures you will lose over half your assets, house etc if the partnership doesn’t work out. 100% of the people who get hitched think they’ve found the right person, and 50% are wrong. And that’s not even taking into account the people who stay in miserable marriages. There’s nothing you can get married that you can’t unmarried, and that’s the truth.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): An american trying to cite Shakespeare as proof to her reasoning and falling short.. Why does this not surprise ne
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, and especially Miamine, gymsoul, and Cindycares, for the wonderful answers- thanks to ALL!! It turned out I asked a different question than I thought I was asking, but it has turned into an even more deeply illuminating discussion which will really help me in my support of my friends. Most of all, i learned that I really don't know the intense dynamic of their marriages, and what the men were/are reacting to. I do know that my girlfriends didn't "cheat" - and that the grownup children of one are siding with their mother, and the young girl will stay with HER mother.
Please believe I know that it also happens the other way around! I know there are countless men out there with
equally deep heart aches!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 I don't think it's true. Maybe it was at the time of the bard, when women did not have really much choice other than hanging in there, whether they were happy or not. So it might have been more survival than loyalty.
Nowadays, I can't see that loyalty, or disloyalty, belongs more to one gender than another. Men leave their marriages, and women do as well ; and anyway half of the marriages or more still last till death do part us ( if out of loyalty and love, or other reasons, we cannot know, but yet they do last ).
The examples in your circle of friends would show that men tend to be more inclined to change their minds, and more proactive in initiating changes. But I think it's just a coincidence, and if you are an Aunt too you will have noticed from the posts that , if any, MEN are those who are more reluctant to let go of dead marriages , and tend to " get stuck " in lukewarm relationships, while women , when they get fed up of their partner, or fancy a new one, are less hesitant in calling it quits and starting over.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Problem is.. should people stay married for duty, or should they stay married for love? What happens when a man or woman feels sick every time the bedroom shuts, is frightened of the breakfast table and having to smile and make conversation.
Sure, it was easier to stay married before. People didn't have such nonsense as love, and would die before their 60th birthday. You mentioned one of your friends worked hard at her job... nope, that's not the old way, she should have been stuck in the kitchen looking after children, whilst her husband went to the pub and shagged the local prostitute. She should have been giving him bad sex and nagging, then like women of old he would have hated her but stayed.
Everyone likes to look back to some wonderful golden age, when everyone stayed happy in love, women were wonderful and men were kings who treated them like princesses...
For your information.. when divorce laws are changed, it's the older women, (60+) not the men, who run and get a lawyer.
We live an awful long time nowadays, and we no longer have duty, fear and censure to keep us in our place. Women are financially independent so they are not dependant on some man to keep them. Marriages are kept together as long as there is love, and if there isn't love, why the hell would two people want to continue to live together... just so their friends and family don't get upset, whilst they privately hurt and destroy each other where nobody else can see. Is wearing a wedding ring all that matters in life, what about love, tenderness, kindness and respect.
These husbands have left, a true friend would help them to realise that there is no point hanging on to a man who no longer wants you. That's not love, that's a recipe for disaster.
One life to live my dear... people live longer now, and of course people change. Nothing lasts for ever, not even marriage. Yep these women may be nice, they are your friends. But you aren't in the bedroom, you don't know what is going on when they and there husbands are alone...
In divorce, it's never sensible for you to judge, because you have no idea what is going on. As a child of divorce parents, I can say such things with confidence.
There are no guarantees in life I'm afraid.. you pays your money and takes your chances. I know plenty of happily older married people. But I also know elderly married people who wish they could run away and only stay because of duty and history.
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male
reader, eek +, writes (27 March 2012):
 as a man who is totally loyal in a relationship and has been cheated by a woman i feel your argument rather wrong. Both sexes cheat. Women are however just as bad as men. If not worse in my experience!
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male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (27 March 2012):
 To QuantumModulus
I believe that it's all about upbringings and their enviroment. I can honestly say that in my short life of relationships that I have never cheated on any of the girls I've been with. Though, every single one of them have cheated on me. I've come to the conclusion that there is no one sex that is more liable to cheat than the other. You only hear of the men cheating because women gossip more than guys, lol. No, but in all seriousness, women cheat as much as men do. I wish it wasn't true but I've seen it with my own two eyes on more that one occasion.
It could be many reasons to cheat. Loss of love. Less-than-satifying sex. Greed. Revenge. Desperation. These are all traits that are shared by both sexes. I'm afraid you might not really know the extent of why the husbands requested a divorce in the first place. Maybe the wives cheated? Maybe the wives aren't doing their duties (I don't mean that in a sexist way. Men have duties as well). Maybe the love was just lost. There are many reasons for it.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 March 2012):
 and why arnt more women loyal? when more are financially well off with a good career they dont need the financial backing of the husband so much. so can leave as easy as the men. and they meet more people because they are out in the world more not home with the kids doing housework
you name marriages that men have left but how many do you know that are still together and happy
perhaps with life expectancy so much longer people have a second wind and want to live their later years after the kids grow up with someone younger to match their energy
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuantumModulus,
This is the original writer - Thanks for sticking up for men! i didn't mean for this to be negative in the way it must have come across for you. I myself adore men, always have, and have parents married forever... it's just that I've had so many female friends who are going through crumbling marriages, divorces and heartache, that I am appealing for help to try to understand better - both sides! My male friends seem to be staunch in their marriages.
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