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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dating sites are very adventurous but I think once you have dated a guy and he wants to see you again, its only manners to wait until the next time.In meeting someone old fashioned style, if you meet someone and wanted to meet them again, would it be right for a guy to chat up other women in between? Its dis loyal and quite frankly rude.Men should get rid of one woman before starting another.That's why no-one has a chance because they are always looking for something better or ticks ALL the boxes.I have been hurt so many times by this , thinking I have found someone that likes me, only to find its lies Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI answer to Miamine, you haven't grasped my concept at all,as the guy lied to me about liking me so much and wanting to see me again.But really he put me on the back burner as an option,so he could keep looking.men dont want to commit because they like looking more than they do being pinned down to one person.It becomes an addiction game, with sex thrown in. And Cindy Care, unfortunately there is a high percentage of this going on.I didn't mean relationships will become extinct but its the way they are being formed and the immorality of the way people are treating each other.Men can detach their emotional feelings a lot easier than women,until they get caught and agreed women use men .I would like to rap this debate up now, as yes the answer is not to go on dating sites,a shame as I don't get to meet anyone.I am 24/7 with my daughter so there is no other way.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 OP, my PERSONAL view is that, should I be looking for a serious, permanent, substantial relationship.... I would not touch dating sites with a ten feet pole :). Nonetheless, yes, the general or prevailing orientation ,most particularly on dating sites IS the one I mentioned and you have noticed yourself.
As for the future generations, I feel more optimistic than you, I don't think the human race is risking extinction anytime soon, I think people will keep meeting and pairing as they always did , because after all, dating sites are ONE way to meet people among many others , and they are far from being mandatory. They work fine for some people, and not at all for others,for whom they are just a source of frustration and embitterment. If you find yourself belonging to this latter category, maybe you should explore different venues for finding a mate and that would not be out of cowardice but just out of practical sense : you try something, and if you don't like it , nobody forces you to try it again.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2012):
 "if you dated a woman that you really really liked and fell for, would you like her dating other men" (female anon)That's the thing that code warrior and some of the aunts are trying to tell you in a polite way. If the guy really likes you and he's fallen for you and he wants a relationship, then he stops looking because he's happy and in love.Your angry because your dates aren't working out. Your upset because maybe you like the guys more than they like you. There is nothing we can do about that. They meet you, they might like you, but they're not interested enough to stop looking, your not the perfect woman for them.That's what happens in life, it's part of the process of dating. Again listen to what the aunts have suggested. The internet dating thing is full of people just looking for sex, as well as the very few who want a relationship. Look somewhere else for men who are looking for maybe a serious relationship.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 February 2012):
 It seems from what I know and the very interesting comments on this thread that Internet dating is overwhelmingly filled with lots of damaged men and women, hurt on both sides, desperate to quell the loneliness and to find love but with unmittigating mistrust and unrealistic expectations.
The men don't want to be caught. The women want to feel secure and loved. The men don't want a list of demands and the women insist on a list...Everyone feels cheated and frustrated, let down or rejected...
No wonder it doesn't work that well.
I would think, to go in open minded, leaving your past at the door and being as honest as you can about the kind of person you are seems like a better way to approach it.
I think when people go through divorce, separation and break up it almost becomes who they are. They need to make sure they are completely stripped bare of their pain and troubles before they embark on a new path to love. Only when you are bare can others see you for who you really are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): I did the dating site thing and found all women to be dishonest about what they put on their profiles, especially about the amount of children they had and their job. Many behaved like they could have any man they wanted and made statements like "if I decide to see you again" presuming I wanted to see them again. The other type was the sex on the first night,desperately seeking, just out of a relationship and assumed I was her new boyfriend. I am not going back to dating sites.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode warrior, I dont know what your situation, but if you dated a woman that you really really liked and fell for, would you like her dating other men?? when she told you she would like to see you again??? it really hurts dont you think???
Cindy care, no matter what I say about sites, the morality of it all is just like the animal kingdom and I wont be continuing on them.If your view is like the general public, God help the future generation.No-one will be with anyone.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 February 2012):
Agreed, this is purely a debate and nobody is accusing anybody else.
In this spirit , I would like to underline :
- how innnocent, in the sense of " unaware" or " uninformed " are these messed around parties once thay have caught the drift and seen how the game works ? How wise is it joining a game whose rules you do not recognize or identify with ?...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....
- "The whole idea of dating sites is to find someone ". Sure. According to certain contexts and expectations,though.
Same as the whole idea of soccer is putting your ball behind the goal posts of the other team, but, you can't do that by your own set of rules ,like, say, using your hands. Maybe your rules are much better, or make much more sense, but they won't help you win the game. And you can't demand other people to follow them just because you think it's better.
On dating sites, ( but , to some extent, IRL too !) even screening out the " sharks " right off the bat , it is widely accepted that asking for a second date does not mean committment or exclusivity, it does not mean particularly anything except that you were likeable enough for not being rejected right away. It's the first step in a selection process and if by this early stage you have already formulated an emotional investment, or a demand for loyalty , this may have more to do with having higher expectations than the situation warrants, than with a general moral collapse of society.
I am not saying " avoid dating sites like the black pox ". Au contraire, what have you got to lose, except may be some time. But use them with open eyes and realistic expectations, so you won't have to be be upset and disappointed when it does not work to your liking ( which will be MOST of the times ).
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 February 2012):
If internet dating doesn't suit you, its probably best you don't do it. There are other ways to meet people but like everything in life there are no guarantees it will work out.
I think people make that mistake with the internet, expectaion is just too high and people expect to meet the partner of their dreams. Life just isn't like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe whole idea of dating sites is to find someone yes,?? well that is what I am doing.I am a single mum with a young child.My job does is a sole job but i love it, but I am just the same as every one else and don't meet people.Dating sites are designed for people that can't get out to meet people and find someone that way.So being told not to go on there is a coward way out. The sites are promoting promiscuity, and dis loyality among human beings and people are losing site of what is wrong and what is right,good example for the next generation.there is nothing wrong with playing the field,thtas their choice but its involving innocent parties that dont deserve to be messed around. This is purely a debate and not accusing anyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think if you date someone and like that person and want to see them again, surely its more affective to try and make that work.It brings to my attention then that men are not after relationships if they are continuing to date other women.Yes you do know in the first five minutes if you like that person and have chemistry.I didnt find my husband by dating other men at the same time, in fact it puts men off or it they dont mind , then they are not that bothered about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think if you date someone and like that person and want to see them again, surely its more affective to try and make that work.It brings to my attention then that men are not after relationships if they are continuing to date other women.Yes you do know in the first five minutes if you like that person and have chemistry.I didnt find my husband by dating other men at the same time, in fact it puts men off or it they dont mind , then they are not that bothered about you.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 February 2012):
If you want to meet someone old - fashioned style, then you don't go on dating sites. There's nothing wrong with your ideas, just it is not how dating sites work, and the fact that you are miffed/ surprised shows you haven't grasped the mechanism and apply to it moral categories that I'm not sure belong to it.
A dating site is like a mall, you shop around. You look at the windows, compare prices and items. Everybody on dating sites ,men AND women, go on multiple dates with multiple people , then ( perhaps... some times... ) they decide. IF !, among all the goods they have sampled, there is something that really struck their fancy a whole lot.
The difference is in the intentions, most people start with the intention of never ever really stopping and making their final purchase ,they just want to be sampling forever- and some, in good faith, check out the different items ONLY until they find something really worth taking home. But if they should do as you want them to do, it would take forever and it would defy the purpose of dating sites which is to meet as many new people as possible in the shortest possible time.
There are expensive personal introduction or matchmaking services that operate as you'd like. But not web based.( My boss found his new wife this way ). You go to their offices, pay a hefty annual fee, fill extensive questionaries to set up a profile, and are matched with other profiles, often including a video presentation or stuff like that - one at the time. Like, you go out with gentleman A for several dates, you decide it does not work- THEN they'll match you with gentleman B.
This may be an option, if you have money , time, and patience. Otherwise... real life , and trusting a benevolent Universe to give you a hand :), is always ,always the best way .
Of course dating sites are a game !, what's so surprisisng about it ? It's like... Facebook . If you have 300 Facebook friends, does it actually mean you have 300 true friends , who'd lend you money, care for you when you are sick, throw you birthday parties etc ?...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you code warrior,you have really helped me, although you sound mad at me.You have made me see why men do what they do.I do feel though that working on someone you like is more affective and more bound to end up in relationship rather than keeping options open all the time as there is always someone better that comes along and could ruin your chances in the early stages of becoming a lovely relationship.
I tried doing what everyone else was doing , dating others at the same time in the early stages and ended up getting in a mess as none of came to anything.It felt wrong, so that's why I asked the question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): If you want to meet someone with old fashioned values, dating sites might not be the way to go. There is too much temptation to keep `shopping` about for the ideal partner. I know a couple of guys who tried dating sites and multiple dated for months. Both ended up settling with girls they already knew in person. It can be a tread mill for women who wish to settle down. So unless you are very tough, can take rejection and accept the fact you will be dating someone who goes straight home and cranks up the pc so he can chat to other women he has lined up, then dont do it!
No kidding if you really want to meet a sensible man, then don a t shirt and jeans and sign up for a course of home diy at your nearest college. My partner goes to an evening course in home diy. There are 20 men there and one woman! She lives alone and has difficulties with leaky taps ect. The course has been running for a month and she is already dating a really sensible guy she met there. There are better places to meet than dating sites.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): Dating sites are full of people who don't really want a relationship or who are just plain flaky- and many of them lie about that as someone said here. It's mostly the men lying about that and looking for sex or serial relationships or whatever.
If you question them carefully about what they want you can tell from their answers and so on what it is they really want so you don't waste time with them. Just don't have sex with them and don't even be exclusive with them until you know they're going to do that with you too.
A real life matchmaker is the way to go if you want something more reliable- it will cost more but it's probably worth it.
I don't think one date is enough to be exclusive but when I think about it most of my bf did become exclusive with me after 1-3 dates or so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo responding to code warrior, I found that doing exactly te same to men, they don't like it.If I was dating someone else they would move on.So it's alright for men but not for women?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2012):
Seems to me that dating sites are about meeting new people, they don't promise marriage, love or relationships. Dates are about people going out and getting to know each other. Nothing is promised and nothing should be expected, except maybe an arrangement to meet again.You'd be foolish to sleep with anyone under these conditions, they are still just strangers who you might have dinner or coffee with.Until you both decide to be monogamous, exclusive and have a committed relationship, you shouldn't be getting your hopes up, you should continue meeting new men and enjoying yourself.Same thing happens when you meet men not on the internet, you meet, you go out, and maybe you might not call them again.
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reader, Abella  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Good Follow up
You are absolutely correct.
Dating sites are about making money.
And although there would be people who successfully meet and have a long term relationship via a dating site I think the failure rate would be very high indeed.
I was talking to a separated neighbor aged 40 last week. He has no intention of remarrying. (he talks to me as if I am his sister - he knows I am taken) And yet he was telling me that he's meeting all the same women when he socialises so he's joined two odating sites just to ensure he meets some new women.
His aim is sex not a relationship and he's been that way since he separated a few ago. Yes, he is still not divorced but is going on dating sites.
Such a man is not for a women who wants a relationship. He has even told me that he will have to lie on the dating sight as his relationship history is so full of so many women - more than he would care to admit and three failed marriages. And he's not getting divorced so he does not have to describe himself as divorced four times :(
Why would anyone consider him, if they had all the facts?
I am not saying all guys on dating sites are like this. But he is indicative that it does happen
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell if that's the case then, dating sites are just a game, because no-one ever does find mr or mrs right or they have but don't give it a chance to develop any bond because their minds are given more choices.Its a stupid idea but good for the advertisers
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reader, Abella +, writes (4 February 2012):
This is not how many men think. And in many instances it is not how some women think either.
Men are often very pragmatic and have no qualms in playing the field while they 'sample' what is on offer.
Instead, as men 'sample,' on the law of averages if they 'sample' 100 women they have a greater chance of finding the right one. They do not take one girl, take her out for 3 months, and then decide she is not the one.
Instead they meet, sometimes sample, decide and move on in most instances.
Many of the men are also on multiple dating sites.
Some men even arrange to meet a woman in person and when they get there they see the woman and choose not to introduce themselves.
Some men will also see themselves as a 'great success' as a man where they add up how many women they can get into bed before they move on. These men are really not interested in a long term relationship - if you do meet such men don't allow the sex and give them a wide berth. For they are not for you if you want a relationship, not a short term fling.
when men do 'sample' they are not interested in a long term relationship. Instead what they do want is a series of relationships.
Eventually they are blown away by a extra special lady and then they decide to make it a longer term relationship.
if you do want a long term relationship I think getting involved in mixed service organisations, mixed community groups and mixed volunteer groups allows a more natural setting for building a happy long term relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): It takes awhile for men to decide to be exclusive with one woman. Knowing that, you can hold off on having sex with them until that time and date others. I don't think you can know if the guy is right for you after one date!
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