A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am posting this to ask for opinions more so than answers. It is my hope that the opinions expressed by people in reply to this can help me to answer my question - myself.What I would like to get your opinions on is thisWhy do you think that younger women (relatively younger) are attracted to older men?I would appreciate if comments about sex and father-complexes or transference issues were avoided in general, although it is a valid factor in the attraction - I really do no want that to be the way this turns.If you don't mind hearing my standpoint before answering... Females and males are attracted to one another. There is no mystery here. There need not be any magical or ridiculously complex psychological approach to justify the coupling of our species.However, there is still the question of why some of the species are considered to be superior over others. Older men have many drawbacks in means such as health, longevity, physical appearance(in most cases)... etc.I have divided the points I think attract younger females to older males into the followingAuthority - establishment - power - money - status - lifestyle - lovemaking - gray hair/beards(happens) - maturity - intellectThese are all part of a strictly logical approach - trying to identify the quantifying factors in which one female is attracted to a "socially objectionable" life decision as to going for older men.So, another question then - if a younger man can meet these same parameters, do you think that they would be just as appealing to that particular female as an older male would be?Thank you for your time - I look forward to your responses.
View related questions:
money, older men Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): People tend to think that women who like older men like them because of their money or power. I personally have my own money and a great deal of power. I don't have to go out searching for an older man to give me something I already have. I just find older men more attractive. I am a female in her early 30's and I am attracted to a man in his early 60's. Not only is he is super intelligent and extremely kind, he is also very good looking. I like him as a person, not as an age number. However, there are other things about him like his grey hair, his maturity and his confidence that only a man of his age can pull off. Another advantage older men have is the ability to arouse a woman through conversation without ever bringing up anything sexual. Women loved to be treated as individuals and not just objects of affection. These are all things only experience can teach you and because older men have more experience they have mastered things younger men have yet to learn.
A
female
reader, Sissy 1992  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Im attracted to older men because not only are they more experienced but they most likely are more mature... The Maturity is what drags us in and the experience is what keeps us... I would rather date a man much older than me than dating some one my age... My guy friend is 10 years older than me and I wouldnt have it any other way...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): what about the woman who is attracted to an older man who has no status, little money, no looks, etc? my ex cheated on me with a man 16 years older then her. she insists its love but txts me when hes not around. she ignores me when he's around. its almost like she's a kid again, rebelling against daddy but still needs him around to buy her what she wants. she tries her best to make him sound so great but he really isn't. i see her fantasy come crashing down in the very near future. shes now missing our family and what we had. while she's literally not allowed to go anywhere without him. talk about a crummy relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (11 November 2010):
I have a few different things to say on this particular topic. First, I'll echo the speculation by the anon female poster who is asking whether the OP is interested in a girl that has a thing for older men. It does appear that may be a possible motivator behind this question. If that's the case, then I can say from experience that such a young woman is unlikely to do a sudden 180 and begin dating a guy her own age. If she's specifically into older men, then she has a reason she believes it is the right thing for her to do. Trying to combat that desire with logic is going to be futile.
Secondly, I think the "socially objectionable" comment is highly subjective, with the age gap itself playing a large variable. For example, a 23 year old woman is not likely to get much (if any) flak from dating a 34 year old guy. The same woman dating a 44 year old guy, though, that's different. Both men are quite a bit older than she is, but one is old enough to be her father and the other is not. Other variables include the environment one is raised in (a woman with much older parents vs. one with young parents), the respective stages of life the woman and man are in, etc. So, labeling all younger woman / older man relationships as "socially objectionable" is overly simplistic to be correct. It is true that some of these relationships are, but it is equally true that many of them are not.
Finally, to answer your question of whether a younger man who met your parameters can be just as appealing as an older guy I have to give a resounding no. The very simple reason is experience. There's no way to "cheat" and get more life experience, it has to be earned the hard way - by living. I'm just as intelligent, successful, assertive, etc. as I was 10 years ago. However, I know I'm a much better person today than I used to be, and the reason I've changed is the events I've lived through which have shaped me. I also don't think it is coincidental that I'm having a much better / easier time dating now than when I was 18-21.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): As a 19 year old, I ALWAYS fall for older men, and by older I'm talking about 50s here!
I agree with all you said and the answer to your question would be: it depends!
Even if the young man has all those qualities he still lacks the experience of a 50 year old, let's say. I believe that experience and maturity can't be gained easily.
And, I have a question for you:
Why are you asking this question? Sounds like you are attracted to someone who likes older men.
...............................
A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I am 21 and my partner is 34, we met 2 years ago. I think I can inject some info on why I wanted an older man;
- I don't find "boys" my age sexually appealing
- I'm not the type of girl who likes partying and getting drunk every other night and I wanted someone who was over that and ready to settle down.
- I wanted someone who had life experience.
- I have dated guys my age and have found them very tempramental, always moody and changing their mind. Little assertiveness.
- I want a father for my childeren
- I needed someone i could depend on, my experience with boys my age is that they are not dependable and like having a lifestyle with little responsibility.
- I wanted a man successful and driven in their career.
- I wanted a man who is sexually experienced and knows how to please a woman.
- In my experience, i find that older men have more patience.
- I wanted someone who was able to offer me advice about life.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't expect so many replies being focused on the idea that I was saying anything along the lines of "All younger girls are attracted to older men". I simply was bringing the question forward on the grounds of a younger woman being attracted to an older man.
Not that all of them are - or that they are in general.
After reviewing my question, I can see how asking "Why do you think younger women are attracted to older men?" could be misleading. If you read it under the concept that I am asking why they are attracted in an individual basis as apposed to "Why are all of them attracted to older men"?(which I thought people would understand, sorry if it wasn't clear enough). Then it would seem to be a vast generalization - which was not intended in any way.
By socially objectionable, I do stand by this part of my statement as I feel it is a natural process of decision making that a woman would go through. To think about how her family would feel, or her friends... etc. I concede that it is a generalization, but I definitely feel that it is a hurdle that, without an increased amount in parameters being satisfied in a woman's eyes, the older male may fall to and not be considered as a suitable partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 November 2010):
The one word that can sum up 90% of the questions on this board is - evolution. We are a products of our history, and there is just no way around it. Generally men are attracted to younger women bc of fertility. Generally women are attracted to more successful and stable men bc of their ability to provide, and this generally goes along with being a bit older.
...............................
A
male
reader, PM +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Attraction is a complicated process and isn't necessarily something that you can describe in terms of "things a person has that others will be attracted to." It's something that develops through communication and interpretations of that communication because the simple reality is, a guy might be mature, intellectual and be very physically attractive, but if he never talks to a girl and girls never talk to him, there's no chance for that attraction to develop beyond any physical attraction women might feel for him based solely on his looks and body language. So, the first thing that happens in any attraction process is communication in the form of body language and conversation and, most importantly, each person's interpretation of the communication.
The second thing is, I have to question your idea that a younger woman being with an older man is "socially objectionable." There's a long history of the practice and it's only in the last 30 years that it's fallen out of favour somewhat but is still considered pretty normal.
As for the items on your list, yes they can play a factor in attraction, but it really comes down to the individual woman. Just like not every guy likes blondes, not every woman likes an older/mature/intellectual type of guy.
In the end, discussions of what-ifs and such serve little purpose if your end goal is to live happily ever after with the woman of your dreams because no matter who you are, some woman out there will love you just for you who you are. You just have to find her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (10 November 2010):
Well i'm 20 and probbly wouldnt date anyone younger than me and definatley wouldnt date anyone over 30 not every woman is attracted to older men some women cant stand the thought of being with an older man i'm one of them i'd rather just be with someone my own age
...............................
A
female
reader, Blod +, writes (10 November 2010):
 I agree with some of what you say, although you have to remember that this doesn't apply to all girls. An older man would be a turn off for me.
I think one of the main reasons some young women are attracted to older men is maturity. Girls mature before boys hence women find some men totally immature. So when it comes to settling down, women tend to be ready before men. They have less time than men before they can't have children any more. Older men are more prepared to settle down and they're normally also more successful and settled in terms of their career. This naturally suggests to a young woman that he'd make a better husband than these young, immature men who behave like boys.
This is how I see it but, like I said, this is just a generalization.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 First of all, your generalization is too wide. Not all young girls are attracted to sensibly older men, in fact they are a minority. Many girls prefer mates around their age ,many have no specific age preferences , and many more would actually be very annoyed should they be the object of desire of men who are their dad's age.
Second, we are assuming ,I guess, that these older men are financially secure, or event affluent, well settled in their careers,educated, getting a lot of social recognizion etc. So, the attraction would have nothing to do with age per se, but with status, social preminence, power, and the capability to provide generously for a partner.
In other words, I think we are talking about a successful, professional, sophisticated "silver fox ", not about some
unemployed or minimal wage middle aged man.
Therefore, age per se has got nothing to do the attraction. The attraction comes , some time by pure greediness or shallowness, but more often by a sort of desire of living by proxy. One desires what has not already got. A young girl very seldom has money, status, prestige, authority etc.etc and so she could be more motivated to come in close contact with these things, than with what she already has ( youth, attractiveness, stamina, spontaneity etc. )
Plus of course there is the whole early sexual imprinting- search for a father substitute - Electra's complex scenario, that you do not wish to debate here, but still
should perhaps not be so easily disposed of.
As for your second question I guess the answer is yes. If there is a guy who beside being rich, educated, successful, socially prominent - is also handsome, young and with a killer six pack- WHO is the woman who would not be attracted ???
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 November 2010):
 It depends what age girl you are talking about here. A lot of teenagers (i.e girls under 20) will go for much older men (as in 10+ years older than them) for a multitude of reasons, including:
1. Not having a father figure in their childhood therefore they want to feel protected and looked after
2. Status with their friends & peers - a lot of girls think it is 'cool' if an older man likes them and they think it makes them look more mature if they date a mature man
3. Pressure from the man - it is a sad fact of modern life that some older men like young girls when it is innapropriate, and these men know teen girls can be easily manipulated.
4. Hormones - teen girls' hormones are running riot, and the female body (through evolution) is designed during peak fertility to find a 'mate' to make babies with. If you search this site, you will see it is very common for girls aged 13-18 desperately wanting babies, and the main reason for this is because this is what their hormones are telling them to do. Once you have started puberty & your periods your body thinks "right I'm ready for children now, lets get going!" so it is hard to control and subdue these hormones. Therefore the girl looks for a perfect 'mate' and this is a man who can provide for her & her potential family - and an older man fits the bill for this perfectly as they have money, stable lives etc.
5. Authority & respect - again if you search this site you will see many teen girls obsessed with their teachers and then convincing themselves they only like older men. But what they like about their older teachers is that they are an authority figure, they respect them and they mistake the care from a teacher as the teacher having feelings for them.
As for women 20+, I would say the attraction to older (as in much older) men lessens quite a lot. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27, so a 4 year gap is not much. The biggest age gap I have had in a relationship is 9 years, and that isnt a particularly big gap. I would never be interested in a man who is more than 10 years older than me, purely because I eventually want to get married and have children, and dont want my partner to be too old to be a proper dad to my kids who can run around and be fit and healthy for years to come.
From experience with my friends and their boyfriends, typically the age gap between the girl and the man is 2-4 years max. And this is a good difference, because men are naturally less mature than girls (girls reach peak maturity at around 18-22) whereas men dont fully mature until around the age of 30. So men actually need a younger girlfriend, and vice versa (girls need a slightly older boyfriend) just to balance out the natural maturity differences.
I think at your age (18-21) you are on the cusp when girls' attitudes towards older men start to change. They start to realise that it is actually creepy a 40 year old likes an 18 year old girl instead of it being 'cool'.
So I dont think it is a question of a younger guy meeting the same parameters as an older man, as to some girls you will never even compare when their hormones are controlling their decisions and they want to look good in front of their friends with their older man. However over the next couple of years, when the girls who are 2-3 years younger than you start to reach their peak maturity and realise older men are not what they want - then you will start to see a marked difference in the number of girls interested in you!
And one final thing - bear in mind that this entire question is based on a generalisation. Even when I was 15, I still never dated a guy more than 5 years older than me. True I never dated a guy the same age as me (it was mostly because if they are in your classes at school you see them too much and they are annyoing and lack the mysterious nature of the older guys in the years above you who you only see in passing at school) but I never went for massively older men either. So dont generalise too much that ALL girls like older men and you will never get a look in. Say if you are 21, then there is no reason at all why a 18 or 19 year old would not be interested in you and would choose an older man. If I were in the same situation, and were 18/19 and presented with the option of 2 men who were both great, one was 21 and the other say 27/28 - I would absolutely go for the 21 year old becayse we would have more in common, be at similar stages in life and would share similar interests and ambitions for life. Whereas the older man would have been there, seen it, bought the t-shirt and wouldnt want to share anywhere near as much with me.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I know you didn't want the "father complex" thing brought up but that can be one reason. Another is they might think an older guy is a bit more mature and suitable for a relationship. Could be that he has a career, car, money in the bank, if you're a shallow gal. I don't think most girls would be attracted to just any older guy, just because he's older wouldn't automaticaly make him ore appealing, i think it's the idea of somebody being more mature in their attitude and being a bit more settled, a guy who won't play around and is serious about having a real relationship rather than playing the field.
...............................
|
