A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:Why some men so selfish?. My partner and i have 2 kids together he is 42 and i am 36. Our relationship is very dull, we never go out as a couple, we have little to no sex life to which i put down to him not having a sex drive. He never treats me or buys me anything even at xmas. He will drop me and the kids at the wk end if he s mate calls and goes out drinking all day only to come home later and sleep it off on the sofa. He doesnt seem to understand when i am annoyed by this. I often feel as though i mean nothing to him and he is here simply for the kids sake. If i complain he will say i can go out whenever i like and that he thinks i need to have a affair but if i do he wants to hear all the details. I think that maybe he doesnt fancy me anymore cuz he cant be bothered to make an effort and that its weird that he wants to feel jealous about me with another man, is this because he is not sure if he feels anything for me ? and this would clarify his feelings. He recently inherited some money to which we could if we wanted buy our own house but i told him i thought it wasnt a good idea, he didnt seem to bothered about it and has decided to invest in renting out a new build he would buy himself. I feel like this relationship is going nowhere fast, should i do as he suggest and have a affair at least my life wouldnt be sooo dull and boring?
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affair, jealous, money, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I would not have an affair... if you are that unhappy I would consider at minimum a separation to determine if you are happier alone with the children than if you are happy with him.
sounds to me like neither of you are very happy.
and while you can stay together if you are not happy... I don’t' think at 36 you have to be resigned to another 50 years of settling...
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Yep.. he's right.. put up or shut up.
What you got is a big lazy baby on your hands. He's acting like a dog who is happy because he gets what he want. Dog then turns around and pees all over your floor, and you cuddle him and give him a treat as a reward. He has actually given you very good advice. Instead of begging him for love and attention, instead of waiting for him to do something nice. You need to emotionally separate from him, and find outside distractions. (NOT AN AFFAIR) Make him worry about where you and the kids are, make him worry about why the house is empty, make him worry about why your so busy, and who is buying you new stuff and gaining your attention.
At the moment he doesn't try, because he doesn't have to. You may nag and cry, but you'll stay at home, with the kids, waiting patiently for when he comes in.
But what if your not there, what if your out with the girls. Instead of asking for presents. Start buying yourself little presents, flowers, sexy underwear, whatever, and don't tell him where you got them from. Go out and have fun, I know it's hard with kids, but make him wonder about what you are doing for a change, and don't give him any explanations. Tell him only enough so he knows that you and the kids are safe.
Make sure you spend time on making yourself look nice. It will make you feel better about yourself, it will attract positive comments from the people you meet. All this will put a smile on your face, and again, DON'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING, don't tell him why the smile is there. If he is a sleeping drunk at the weekend, then put on some music and you and the kids have an indoor party. It's not your fault if he has a bloody headache, maybe he shouldn't drink so much. You and the kids live there too.. time to start making life for fun for you and them.
No Affair needed - sorry - yes, it's time to start having a love affair, a love affair with you. He doesn't give you what you need, so you must start giving some love back to you. I'm hoping he will notice. I'm aiming to give him reason to be jealous. Not of another man, that doesn't seem to bother him, but I want him to be jealous of the great way your looking, how you seem to smile all the time. I want you to show him that you don't need him, and if you stop worrying about him, you can do just fine. I want him to be jealous about how your getting stronger and how your improving your life, whilst he does his drugs and drink, with his mates, like a big old kid.
~ I always say about badly behaved dogs, men or children ~ NEVER EVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR. At the moment, he's behaviour is giving him your attention. He's the most important thing right now. NO HE IS NOT. He can wait, put you first. He'll either fix himself up and start behaving better, or you'll find that with the new you, you don't want him no more.
Take the kids swimming.. kids love that, you loose weight and keep fit, it's cheap and you get to stop thinking about his needs for a couple of hours. Remember, he's badly behaved, so don't explain to him what you are doing, you've just gone out with some friends, or with the kids. That the only respect and attention he deserves. He wants to play hard-nosed bachelor and be one of the boys.. Follow my advice and give him what he wants.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I agree with what all of the other agony aunts are saying. But if he's not willing to compromise on anything, not willing to put in effort to make the relationship work, and he doesn't even view you as someone he's in a relationship with, then he's already mentally out of the relationship, and it may be best for you to leave.
I know it may be a bit difficult if you add in the fact that you two have kids- but this would be for the best.
So if what I said previously about going to couples counseling (and what others have mentioned) won't work, then YOU seek out a therapist for yourself (or even a close friend) that can offer emotional support- and provide you that extra strength and boost to bounce back from this broken relationship- and move forward.
Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, shanib +, writes (21 November 2011):
shanib is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must mention that i am not married to this man and that does tend to use amphemines whilst out drinking, he knows i dont like him doing this, i would never allow him to do this in my home around my children. I think he is bored with his own life and i dont hold his attention anymore. I dont think he realises its a problem and if i suggested going for counselling he would not ever entertain it as he thinks he is a real man and men like that dont do those sort of things, i think he thinks i should put up and shut up.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Marriage should be a partnership where two people trust in each other and work together. Usually in a marriage couples are past the stage of testing each other. I too believe this is a one way street. It's almost like he doesn't care to communicate with you much less address how you feel about anything at all. Do no lower yourself to cheating. It only opens up a bag a bad worms. Besides I wouldn't want to waste my time with a man who doesn't have a problem screwing another man's wife. You're better than that. If your feelings for him are no longer there then do what you need to do to reach YOUR happiness. YOUR happiness translates to a HAPPY mother and role model.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 November 2011):
 From the sounds of it, you aren't in a relationship at all, you have a roommate that you share a child with.
I think the sooner you realize that this "relationship" is likely not to grow any stronger, the sooner you'll be able to heal from it and find someone who wants to be 100% with you. The messages that you are telling us that you are receiving from your man is that he doesn't want any part of this relationship with you. He has even encouraged you to find someone new. In his mind, he certainly isn't in a relationship with you and that is why he is "selfish". You are an after thought, not a loved one in his life and he has made it clear that he wants you to end the relationship; or minimally keep the facade of the relationship going while each maintaining your separate lives (apparently he is taking this course of action).
I think at this point, you need to figure out what you want. Do you want to continue with the way things are, try to repair them (in which case I encourage you to seek out counseling together or on your own) or accept that this relationship is over and seek out someone who will treat you as a queen and a partner in his life. No one can answer these questions for you, but ultimately, I think you need to decide what is important to you and what you'd be able to live with and take action.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise +, writes (20 November 2011):
hello. do not have an affair. it literally wrecks familys and you will be spiteing the children as well as yourself. in the process you will also give yourself a bad name which im sure you wouldnt want to happen. I can imagine how your feeling,you must feel as you described bored and feel that everything is just dull, and the only person who can change that is you. whether or not you put your foot down and say that this has to better and that ypur not happy...or whether you decide you'll just carry on living this miserable life. its all down to you. good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): He is being lazy and pushing you to make the adult decision of making the marriage work and if you have had enough, to end it.
This way he can say he didn't want a divorce, just like he doesn't want adult responsibility.
I suspect Husband suffers manic depression or some sort of disorder that makes him so slovenly.
I suggest counselling to address his depression, his low self esteem, his laziness.
It doesn't help you brow beat him and put him down and use taunts to try to get him to do what you want- thats deemed emotional abuse.
I get you are fed up and feel left out but it does not excuse your behaviour either.
So couples counselling is in order to get to the root of the matter and see what needs to get done to clean house and get the marriage back on track.
Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 No don't have an affair, this is him just testing you out. Sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels. Tell him you are unsure where the marriage is going and see what he thinks. It sounds like the relationship has just got very stale. You both need to communicate and try to work through the issues. Get a babysitter now and again and go out as a couple. Try and enjoy life more. Tell him you want to be loved. Ask him to show it or else its over.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (20 November 2011):
I'm sorry you're experiencing these problems in your relationship.
I don't think that having an affair is the answer. I believe that if you have the urge to cheat, you're better off messing around with someone else as a single person. There's too many things that you have to consider when it comes to cheating- such as the impact it can have on your current relationship, the impact it may have on your kids, etc.
I think you should make one last effort/attempt to fix your broken relationship (even though I think he's the one that should be reading this*) and seek out the assistance of a marriage/couples counselor, relationship coach, and sex therapist to spark intimacy back in your bedroom. And if things don't work out, then it may be best for you just to leave. You shouldn't have to continue for many more years in a marriage/relationship where you're not receiving the love, attention, and respect that you deserve.
Here's some additional reading that may be of benefit for you:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-its-important-to-keep-your-relationship-exciting.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ideas-to-keep-the-romance-alive.html
Best!
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