A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it ok to only see friends every 2-12 months?Have only 5 "friends" who are well liked in their job, busy,work, (I work too!!) one is married with kids, they all have better friends, family neaby, and a good life so only have time for coffee or quick lunch, never do anything else, no:Dinners at each others homesCatch ups over excercise or movie, theatre or other event meet upsCoffee at my or their homeNo drives in the country to get out of the cityNo phone calls (they are too busy, hate calls and dont call me)No going out for dinnerSadly they are not there for me when i need them,or if I want to chat etc too busy etc. I always text first to meet up, never them.They have enough people that care so Im not needed and they would never ask me for help or tell their problems'I have no family Nearby and we are Not close.Younger sister visited my bro and his family recently they live2 hours from me, I rarely see them due to their busy lives.Sister could have asked if I was free for cofee but didnt. Im all alone, are my friends even friends?Why do people not care about frienships now?Im always forgottenAre they even friends? If i see them (2 especially) 10-12 monthly??Why are people getting more impersonal now?Social media has a lot to answer for!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Dear OP, I feel your pain, it's something you will have to put up with, as there is nothing you can do to change it. When people suggest taking up a hobby or doing sewing lessons LOL. Someone suggested salsa classes. I don't quite understand what an hour a week class is going to do to help. You will still have those issues nagging u in the back of your head. People are like that, like one said , to do with social media, makes it worse as people always look at how happy others are. You may find new people who cross your path. Don't go out looking you will always be dissapoined. And don't be sad and try to fake yourself by pretending to do an activity. Spending time with someone without an activity is usually better than being alone and doing an activity. Life is too short , we live a life where materialism is more attractive that humans.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 August 2017):
Hello OP,What you are experiencing now is very normal for people our age (I'm 32).Yes, social media has something to do: people are loosing that good ol' hanging out in person and by telephone.We live in a very different world, where friendships have been really devalued, and also the structure of families have been disintegrating. Those old social skills and social touch that was very useful 20 years ago does no longer work.Your friends and family have very busy lives as you mention: our modern day lives have caused us to work more hours each day, we have lot's of responsibilities and very few times for ourselves, so spending time with friends is the last thing you want to do after a very busy week.I live in the same city as my parents and sister, yet we see each other on birthdays and important days, but not all of the time. My sister does see them very frequently, but that's because she does not work and haves lots of free time. On the other hand, I work all of the time, and when I'm not working, I'm studying and making projects for night school. I see my parents every 2 to 3 weeks. Friendships? I don't have a lot, and they are are also busy as me, we are millenials after all, trying to improve our lives every day on this economy.Now, the way you describe those friendships you have, mean that you are more interested in the friendship more than them. I honestly don't think they are very good friends.A real friend is there for you, not all of the time, but it's always trying to keep in touch with you, cares about you, and wants the best for you. In a real friendship, no party is feeling like it's putting all the effort to make it work: it flows naturally. There is trust, respect, and yes, sometimes you can talk deep and personal issues, with no problem, and you can count on that person. Real friends don't need to be together all the time or meet all the time, because everybody is busy nowadays, but when you do hang out together, you have a good time. Real friends call you as much as you call them, which is a key point and golden rule of any friendship. IMHO, you should try to meet new people, and find real friends that you can hang out more often and that value you as a person and your friendship. Good places to start finding friends are art clubs, sport clubs, volunteering, doing charity work, etc. Just go out, do new things, get out of your comfort zone, and you'll meet new and interesting people, and perhaps one day, you'll make a very good friends.Best luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Social media is not to blame for the lack of friends in your life. The ones you mention already have a wider social circle and as you've pointed out probably don't have the same need you do for companionship. What they need more is quiet time for themselves I'm guessing.
In any event, I agree, that it might be time for you to broaden your own circle. You don't have to make new life long friends, but perhaps some acquaintances who share some of your interests.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Maybe it's time to make new friends ...
If you see these people a couple of times a year, and in a rather impersonal atmosphere, personally, I would file them under acquaintances, not friends- and I would adjust my expectations accordingly.
It's not something that you have done wrong. Or that they did wrong. It's just ... time. It happens. One lives and evolves and changes and gets involved into new stuff that requires more of her attention ( and feels more rewarding ) than her old " friends ", and people end up keeping in touch out of habit , or politeness, or a sense of obligation, or maybe even true, real affection- yet without much to bond them together, deep down.
Like WiseOwlE mentions, for instance, women with kids gravitate more toward other women with kids than toward single childless women- it comes natural, they've got important stuff in common. Of course they can still " do lunch ", every now and then , with the single friend, but if they have a full schedule, they won't make a whole lot lot of effort to make it happen. Or, say, one of your friends at some point got into fitness and exercise while you have remained your sedentary self. Of course she'd be all excited to share news about her training for a marathon, or new all-protein diet , with a like minded individual. She can still do lunch with the sedentary friend , and she will, once in a while, because they still like each other her and basically get along . But if in the meantime she has met other people she also likes, plus they are also into fitness as well... you can see that the sedentary friend slides down in her priority list.
Substitute " fitness " with... anything, really : politics , travel, making money, chasing men... it works the same.
This process understandably may make you wistful or a bit sad, but I don't think it should be a cause for bitterness. We are made more of wax than of granite , what happens in every area of our life ( family , work, love etc. ) changes us and reshapes us , and our preferences and feelings as well. Otherwise we all would still only be friends with our besties in kindergarten , which instead seldom is the case.
The good news is that it is never too late to make new friends, who reflect more who you are now as a person, your interests, your lifestyle, your emotional and intellectual needs. I am not saying that it's a cinch, in fact for some people it may be a challenge, once they are out of high school or college, where you are sort of authomatically pre-assigned to a group of peers. Then again, age is not really a huge obstacle, my 80something neighbours have a whirlwind social life with all the friends they made at their senior citizens club. You just need to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and try new things and open up to new people .
You might also need to make changes in your attitude, like being more proactive, making yourself more approachable....
This may sound a bit NewAge 101, but I believe for having seen it at work countless times, that " you attract what you project ". For instance, the coffee with sis and bro. One one hand, yes I understand that it hurts feeling left out. OTH, you say that you are not close , and that you rarely see each other. Maybe they have thought that you would not be interested, and that you would not have bothered travelling 2 hours just for having coffee together. If normally there is distance and coldness between you ( no matter for which reason ) why should she had thought that you were raring to go and see them ?? ( Btw- and why do you need to tag along your sister to see your brother ? ). She could have called you, ... but if this is something that you CARED about doing- you too could have called her ! Here we say " Who wants to see the saint, needs to pray him "- or , if you want people to care about you - then SHOW them you care as well .
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Do you just sit and wait to be invited, or do you make the first move and try to do the inviting/organising? I ask because I have quietly dropped friends in the past who have never made an effort to contact me, just waited for me to do the inviting/organising.
As you have rightly said, people lead busy lives and things they should make time for get pushed to one side and, before you realize it, another week/month/year has gone by.
Have you tried making an effort to contact these friends on a regular basis by picking up the phone and saying "Hi. Not seen you for ages. Fancy a catch up?" Sometimes people just need a prod and a reminder.
If you have tried all this and still nothing, then perhaps it is time to try to widen your social circle?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Join a traveler's club and go on travel-adventures. Make some new friends. Take cooking lessons. Learn how to salsa or tango. Take sewing lessons; or learn how to make or refinish furniture.
If you can afford it, hire a life-coach. You can't hang with married-women/mothers. Go to art shows and cultural events. You can go solo, and practice warming-up to people. Get on a new social-list. Forget about that gaggle of geese!
You live in a shell. You run around with your so-called friends like a third-wheel. You blame other people, but it's you. You won't get out and mingle. Stop hanging with married-women and mothers! Their club is exclusive.
They're cliquish and behave much like the mean-girls you used to know in high school. They think they're all that and a bag of chips for pushing out a baby or two. They envy you for your freedom. You can do whatever you want at the drop of dime; and you get to sleep as late as you want on weekends. You spend your money entirely on you! So they snub you to make you feel like an outsider, or like you're missing-out on life. You probably still have the figure you had 10 years ago. Single-life is good-life too!
If you feel you need them; maybe you're also a little needy and boring.
I suggest that you spend more time creating your own social-life and making new friends. Show-off your freedom and independence. You're still young!
Just as when you've discovered yourself; that's when some handsome guy comes along and gets all up in your grill. That's what happened to me. I was perfectly happy being single and free. Only, I don't need my friends to orchestrate or set my social-agenda. My life isn't structured around theirs.
You're spending too much time keeping statistics and schedules on everybody's activities. You should be more focused on your own life; and scheduling your own social-activities.
You've outgrown them; but they want to make you feel they have no time for you. Sometimes married-women do that to single-women to make them feel guilty for not being married with children. It makes them feel better about themselves. They aren't always as happily-married and content as they pretend to be. So they sometimes gang-up and crap on their single-lady friends, out of pure jealousy. They chat about their marital-problems and brats in a clutch. They don't want you to know their dirty-laundry; and spoil their facade of marital-bliss and perfect motherhood. So they avoid you.
You're lazy, because you're afraid to venture out and broaden your interests. You're hiding and seeking cover among your lady-friends.
Go find some romance. Get out and live. You can't use other people to live your life for you, or to plan your days by.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Maybe go out of your comfort zone and MAKE new friends? Find some meetup groups or hiking group (or whatever activity you are into/interested it).
If the friend you have, are treating you like a mere acquaintance why bother do more in return? That is why I say make new friends. Yes, I know it's not easy to make a new friend but it beats being upset about status quo, and it will give you something to do.
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