| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Can anyone here help me to make sense of my married lover's words?Why did he tell me he loves me? Then the next time he says he likes me. Then he says he likes me a lot. Then the next time he says he adores me. And the next time after that, it's just a sexual connection. And then back to I love you again?Why does he keep telling me different things? And when I call him on it, he shuts me down and tells me he does not want to talk about it?
View related questions:
I love you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (2 September 2017):
 I can't sugar-coat this, OP. You need a serious reality check. If you didn't have kids to think about and this was just your own life you were making harder over good sex, OK. I'm not here to critique you on your moral code. But you are a mother. Presumably a single mother, because you mention an ex-husband. And if you are the same mistress in distress who is constantly seeking responses here about the details of her situation, one of your kids has special needs (according to your prior posts).
The day you became a parent you took responsibility for the life of another human being. Twice over when you had your second child. As a mother, you owe it to the children you brought into this world to give them the most stable life you're able to, and that includes financially. My youngest brother has autism, and I saw growing up how much of a difference the therapy and tutoring my parents scrimped and saved for made in his ability to function as an adult. Providing him only "the basics" so they could spend that money on other things would have raised him to adulthood, sure, but it wouldn't have been doing their best by him. Today he can drive a car. He's employed, and he's so proud of that. It wasn't free. But my parents wouldn't have had it any other way. They wanted the best life for him that he could have, not just an existence. Voluntarily opening up your one-provider household to financial hardship so you can be sexually available for this married guy lest he look elsewhere is irresponsible and unfair to your kids because YOU COULD be doing better by them and you are CHOOSING not to. Point blank. Doesn't matter how good the sex is. Doesn't matter if this guy tells you you are the best sex he's ever had. You now have responsibilities in life that exceed orgasms, yours or anyone else's. But here you are, missing the forest for the trees. Your priorities are so distorted by this affair, you're putting someone else's husband above your own kids.
Please get professional counseling. It's beyond time to do that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Perhaps you should reveal your evidence to the wife and then you could find a way to move forwards.
Its just possible that the wife would feel it were time to move to a more faithful man and then you and your lover could make longterm plans together.
This wont stop your angst but will increase it as you will constantly worry.
But maybe you need that happy ending and maybe the wife needs to be free of manipulative people so it could be the best answer.
You are used to 3 dimensions so whatever the future holds you can guarantee that wont change for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Me ...me...me... ilove him...i fear him..i chose him...like a worn out record stuck in one spot...on...and...on!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): Hi Riot2017, can you explain to me how a man can LOVE his wife and have sex with another woman?
That is NOT love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): Yes, Cindycares, and he did not love her either for punishing her for all these years, by her own admission. What he did was psychologically abuse her and physically as well by what she has said. Withholding love from a woman and using her for sex while destroying her inner sanctuary is probably one of the most despicable acts known to human kind. He is a disgusting human being who preyed on a vulnerable woman.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): You are clearly a narcisstic person. What about his wife and her feelings, you know the woman he took hiso vows with? I'm guessing you're one of those women who thinks she deserves what you are both doing. The fact you pride yourself on your multiple orgasms is pretty sad. You clearly get a kick out of what you are doing. I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself and work out why you are the way you are. I was an idiot when I was younger, trust me a loving relationship with a single man is far more enjoyable than the sleazy affair you are embroiled in. I suggest you end this free prostitution that you are giving this man and gain some self respect, before its too late and you end up a bitter, lonely old woman full of regrets because trust me he is not going to replace his wife with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): I think you enjoy manipulating and manoevering your very own bit of personal torment.Agonising over his words or guestures and believing that he is a planet you must satelleite are all part of the game for you.I think you project your thoughts to suit the character you think you ought to be.But this is not a sympathy battle although its heading there.This guy serves a purpose in your life and probably you obsess about him to distract your mind from painful thoughts.Facing yourself is becoming the problem you need to conquer, not for anyone else but yourself.You have a right to be happy.So you could consider looking at your life outside of this triangle of fantasy sex that shapes your reality..The person you want to be still exists but is clothed in the shawl of this affair!If you cast away the chrysallis aka the shawl you may find the beauty within emerges as a butterfly free to control their own destiny.But you need to retrain your use of mental energy to do this.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 September 2017):
 Female reader anonymous of Sept.1st ) Oh I don't mean that been outed in front of his family for his indiscretions would not serve the old billygoat just right. Actions have consequences, negative actions have negative consequences, and he knows , or should know it already. What I am saying is that the OP wants to see her lover suffer , wants to see him destroyed , in case he dares to get tired of her, or of living a double life.
That does not sound to me like a sign of love from the OP, surely ?! If you love a person, you do not want to hurt him/ her, you do not want to ruin their life, - EVEN if they did you wrong.
Seeking revenge maybe is just human instinct, I guess. Sort of the first thing that comes to mind , before reason takes over. Then again you can't say in the same breath that you love somebody, and that you are going to punish them the harshest you can if they stop loving you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): Respectfully disagree with CindyCares.The loser made his bed the minute he chose to have sex with another woman. If it was not OP, it would have been someone else.If his marriage is destroyed, it is his fault and his fault alone.Just like women who get involved with an attached guy accept the consequences once they choose this road, married men too much accept responsibility and the consequences involved of fucking around on their wives.Here is a novel idea. How about keeping their dicks in their pants?That is a guarantee their lives would never be ruined.Guys who do this often learn the hard way that you cannot treat a woman so badly and like a piece of shit before she lashes out. That is when she proves to him once and for all that she is no door mat.The reason OP is fighting back, calling him out on his actions, questioning his bull shit words and lies, is because she is smart and strong. And yes, she DOES have self esteem and self worth. It has shown up late in the game but it's there. And she isn't taking it anymore. Her next step is to walk out the door. For good. I know you can do it, OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Your self esteem and self worth are so low, and you are utterly obsessed with completely preoccupied with a quest for him to show you something that makes you feel worthy and special, above his wife, to him. But this will never happen, because you loath yourself enough because of all what you are doing and the appalling toxic relationship you are in. There will never be a time you will feel better. You don't trust him because he is a liar. You know this, you know whatever he says to you, you literally have no idea if it's true or not. You get a cheap fix when he's jealous of how he might care for you, but you know he doesn't... and even if he did, you couldn't believe him. A man who is married and having an affair is a lair. There's noting more to it than this. A woman who engages in the affair knowing he is married will never feel loved, because she isn't enough for him. If she were he would leave the marriage. This wears away at the woman till she's scrabbling about in the dirt trying to please him and be chosen, desperate for reassurance that she means more than his wife to him... but this will never happen, because she doesn't. No woman can live like this without it destroying her. Please see that you need to end this and seize your life and self worth back. No one else can do this for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (31 August 2017):
He is a cheater,user, using you as a sex object not for love but just for Lust.He will continue like this after he has replaced you not once but many times.My concern is not about him....we know what he is playing at .I am more concerned about You.I would suggest to you to consider getting some help IMMEDIATELY...visit a counsellor,talk this out with her/him.Disgust you line of thought and your behaviour with regards this married man.Take heed to all the true wonderful answers given to you by the Aunts/Uncle on this site Remember You are treated the way You allow people to treat you.This man is treating you like a doormat and you are willing to take more STOP GET HELP FOR YOURSELF AND THE SOONER THE BETTER .NORA B.
...............................
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 August 2017):
Perhaps he is just telling you what you want to hear, to keep you lured in.If he is switching his words, it could also mean that he is not sure what you mean for him.When a man has a lover, is generally because sex at home is not good, so you should consider this to be sexual 100% by default. There are some times that the man is not even having his emotional needs, and that he is probably ready for getting a divorce.If a guy sticks to a bad marriage, most of the time is for the kids. If the man has no kids, then he is probably getting his emotional needs from his marriage, but not his sexual ones. And in some other cases, the man is just not ready to take the risk and divorce, by fear of losing assets (divorces are expensive), or by societal pressures, or to keep the appearance that he is on a healthy and stable marriage.IMHO, on your case, I think that he does love his wife, but perhaps is not getting (any) sex from her wife. The problem with dating married man, is that most of the times, they stick to their bad marriage way longer than you may think, and the lover just waits and waits longing for the slimmest chance of being with the man that she loves (but he doesn't loves her back).There are a lot of very great, single guys out there, that you don't need to be hiding or risking a lot just to be with them. If you want to start a family, the best place to start is with a single man, because married man are legally attached to a woman, and very few times things go well with those situations. Eventually the truth will leak out, and one or both or you are going to loose a lot. In those situations is when the man has to choose decide where is his heart really at. Best luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2017):
Double wow. I am like Honeypie, I don't get it.
It makes no sense.
Wait- I do get infatuation, I get being in love, I get sexual obsession, I get emotional addiction ,and all that.
But: you can't get a regular job because you have to be always on call in case he needs, erm, to relieve himself ??
You struggle financially and live in a basement and have trouble make ends meet for a man who is not free, is not available, is not grateful at all for the efforts you have to make in order to fit somehow in his schedule, and ultimately, as you admit yourself, does not even love you ??
How fucked up is that ?...
You may say " But I love HIM, and that's what matters "-
Yeah right, sure. If he leaves you , you are going to bring out " evidence " , destroy his marriage, and majorly screw his life up with as much damage, scandal and wreckage you can cause.
Some love.
You need help. Serious, professional,and prompt.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Why does he stay with you? Because you would blow his cover and ruin his marriage if he left you. Honestly this man does not love you, and he cannot cheat on you, because you are not his wife, she is the woman at home that he sleeps beside at night, that he has a life and a home with, you are only the women who he has sex with and who is petrified that you will tell his wife. Honestly this is sex for him and no more. If he wanted more he would leave his wife for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): And having read through all that you hit the nail on the head, he wants you for sex and gets a thrill from how attached you are to him. If you have other men that are interested in you, quit wasting your time on this loser and date SINGLE men.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): "I have often asked myself why has he stayed with me for all these years if sex was all he wanted?"
Because he's been getting it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Wow, how toxic is this?
He "can't" drop you because you have evidence? What?
You think you have to move to a better apartment to please him, even if it makes you EVEN worse off financially? What?
Your relationship doesn't make sense to me OP. It sounds rotten to the core. It isn't about love, attraction and bringing the best out in each other... it's corrosive.
But... each to their own.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): OP again. Sorry, I have more to say. I keep it bottled up inside. Nobody to talk to.Yesterday when he came over, he wore boxer shorts for the very first time ever. I have never seen him in boxers before in all our years together. So, it was a big change all of a sudden and I wondered why? He said he did not like them. They are old men pants. He always wore the tighter underwear, which I really liked. Last week he said he was going shopping for some sleep shorts. Not sure why? He always wears long flannel pants to bed when he is sleeping with his wife. When he is with me, he is naked, just like I am. I asked him why the sudden need to buy sleep shorts. He said he was too hot in his flannel pants. If that is the case, why wait til the end of the summer to buy them? Why wait years? He said he just thought of it. Hmmmm. I asked him point blank does another woman like boxers and has asked you to wear them so you went out and bought them? Or did you bang a new woman and are self conscious about your tummy and bought the shorts cause they are more forgiving?He's generally lazy - not to mention cheap - and does not make special trips to buy clothes for himself unless he NEEDS socks or a suit for a wedding for example. He laughed it off. Said I was wrong. Called me silly and crazy. He said that now he cannot even wear something different without me going off on him. I think my concerns are legitimate. And he seems to think I am making up stories. Again. Calling me crazy. He does that a lot.I am an emotional creature. I am not afraid of my feelings. They guide me. They are part of me. I embrace them. I trust them. I admit them. I speak up. Unlike him, I do not keep things to myself. I do not think emotions are a weakness. I do not deny a thing. I face it all head on. Say it all head on. I communicate. He doesn't. I have to pry it from him most of the time. He thinks he is emotionally strong and stable. I think he is weak at his core, running away from who he is, what he feels, what he has become. I have asked him who scarred him to make him this way? To shut himself off from all love? To think women are users and manipulators? To hide away when things get too intense? He does not love his wife either. To be doing this to her, that is not love. He has asked me what I want from him. To leave his wife? I said NO. I would not be able to live with the fear of him doing this to me someday. The fear is already at a breaking point now. He says she trusts him fully. I said I know what you are capable of. I do believe she suspects his affair. But does not want to know. She has questioned him on occasion. I think she ignores her own gut. She pushes it far down because no woman would ever want to face that kind of harsh truth. Her whole life would be shattered. The man she married would not be the man she knew at all. I suppose it is my karma. To have to endure the same pain she does, worrying what kind of a man I have chosen. Is he a good guy? Is he a pig? He keeps telling me he is a good man. Cause I ask him. I ask him are you selling me an act of who you want me to be so that I put out? Who are you? WHO ARE YOU REALLY? What are you AFRAID OF? WHY can't you let me in? It's got to be a very lonely life being afraid of who you are. And hiding all the time. And having this sordid, disgusting addiction to sex that you will ruin the lives of so many people. GOOD PEOPLE. His wife, his family, ME. And yes, HIS too. And for what? Just to get a cheap, meaningless thrill that will not last? Sadly, that is what happens with addiction. They usually have regrets when their whole life blows up around them. Not a second before. Because while they are cheating, it feels good and nothing else matters and they don't give a damn while they are getting off. They think they will never get caught and are above all consequences. It's a matter of time. That is all it is. They are quite arrogant creatures thinking they can have it all. It is all so fleeting and in the big picture, it means nothing. When you build houses made of cards, they are going to fall down. Like dominoes. He has told me that he is not so much concerned with what his wife would think if the affair came to light, but what his kids would think of him. They are all adults now with kids of their own. I thought this was quite telling. He loves to have the reputation of being the good, stable family man (he told me nobody would ever think he could do something like this) but on the side he is living another life; has a deep, dark secret he never hopes will see the light of day. He is a good actor and liar. Of course I am worried. Of course I stay up all night worrying. Of course. He tries to pacify me. To keep me sane and my emotions stable so that it benefits him and I keep putting out. It is not because he cares. It is because he is protecting his sexual investment, period. I am getting a needle every month for birth control purposes. The depo shot. He always asks me if I got the needle. When did I get it? When am I due to get the next one? I said to him don't worry, I am not into having more kids at this point in life. I have 2. I told him I am not trying to get pregnant and rope him into supporting the child if that is what he is worried about. And exposing our "love child" to the world etc. He claims he is looking out for me and my mental well being. Saying that he knows how sensitive I am and how badly an abortion would affect my psyche and mental well being and he does not want me to go thru all of that. Really? Or is it that if I am feeling fucked up about going thru an abortion, that I would not be available for him? Push him away for awhile? You see, this is how I think. He calls me overly cynical and thinks I should trust people more. He asks what happened to me that I don't trust so easily. What happened? I GOT INVOLVED WITH A CHEATER!!! God forbid he takes the blame. It is always me. My fault.I feel defeated. Like I am fighting a losing battle. I want to let go. But at the same time, I don't want him to get away with what he has done to me for so many years. I don't want him to live happily while I am torn apart. Do you understand? I know, I chose him. But truly, I have never been in this situation before (and NEVER again) and I guess I saw it all turning out very differently. I guess I would not be the first, or the last to expect a happy ending. And that is why some of us last longer. I guess you can call us the dreamers. Or maybe we are just plain stupid?! I asked him if he has ever been with a woman as emotional as me before. If he is used to a woman like me. He said no. He is not used to a woman like me nor has ever been with a woman like me. Not even his wife. I think there is a reason for that. No woman has ever loved him before. Until I came along. Not even his own wife. And the thought of this scares the hell out of him. So, he copes by pushing me away. Why did I participate in this affair? Not because I am a slut. Not because I lack morals. Not because I am selfish or a really terrible person. It is because I fell in love with him. From the start. It was never about just the sex. For him, it was a different story. He was in lust with me. Still is. He says I am the only one who knows how to take care of him and his needs. I fear this is true but I also fear he cheats on me for thrills and keeps me because I am his steady source and still the best source of sex he has ever had. Why would he want to lose the best for the rest? Problem is, he is the type that would want to have it all. Each one is a stand alone box. One does not touch the other. He said to me yesterday with complete confidence that I would NEVER in a million years find out if he was ever cheating. He was that sure. So, he said to me why don't I stop trying to dig for things that are not happening and never will. He denies over and over that he is cheating and denies over and over that he ever would. Problem is he is cheating. On his wife. So, his words become meaningless to me. He wants me to put my guard down. And trust him. I am sorry, but I just cannot do that. And it upsets him. Why? Cause he has real human emotions after all? For me? Or cause he underestimated me and is trying to throw me off the scent?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): It's the OP.Wiseowl, he would never drop me. He knows I have years worth of evidence at hand that not even his lies can refute. He is a coward deep down. Cowards are deathly afraid of being discovered. And afraid of losing everything. So, am I worried about being dropped? No. He would have done it long ago when I started to see the light.The decision will be mine to make. This I know. And no, I'm not naive. Maybe I was in the beginning (as is the case when women jump in with both feet). But I'm starting to wake up and he hates this. He is saying, trying everything in the book to keep me hooked. So, would he drop me? No way. He'd have to be stupid.It's hard being his yo yo. I do have genuine feelings and he keeps yanking me around. He knows other guys are interested in me and is jealous of them. He talks badly about my ex husband. Never used to but once he sees I am going cold, he feels a need to call him an idiot and asks me to tell him to fuck off. He was never that way before and did not have such issues with my ex. He asked me if I still love my ex. I told him I do still care about him. He asked me if I trust him. I said yes. My ex was the only man - still is the only man I ever trusted with my life. And he got angry. Cause I don't trust him. Then he told me why don't you go back to him if he means that much to you? But he took it back.He is very controlling. He gives me space but he also likes to run my life. He is jealous of the guy I go to for physical therapy cause I threw my knee out dancing. He told me to find somebody else to go to. Even gave me the number to a therapist he knows. He says the guy likes me. I am having struggles financially and he asks how can I afford the therapist. I have insurance coverage. But he actually asked me if I gave the therapist blow jobs in return for his services! Or would I??Why am I struggling financially? So that I can be available for him sexually during the week therefore I can't get a regular job. He curses me for not being stable and creatujg my own issues when in fact I'm sacrificing to be with him!! I live in a basement apt and he has gone on about how he hates it and finds it depressing coming here and being in a basement. Never stopped him from coming over to get his goodies. But now I found a nice place and I'm moving in 2 days. It is going to be a struggle making ends meet with a higher rent but I did it all for him!! Everything I do is for him!! And what do I get in return? An I like you? After prodding and practically begging him to tell me his feelings. I told him I do not feel safe with him cause he is so good at compartmentizing his emotions. This scares me. He turns them on and off like a faucet. Most of the time he denies everything and pushes everything away to live in the moment. He doesn't get why I can't do the same thing without all the drama? One day he makes me feel loved and special and the next he withdraws and is cooler and more detached. It is a pattern at this point. I cannot be vulnerable with him. I cannot trust him. I want so badly to love him. I tell him to let me in. But my guard is up. My walls are high. I just can't feel at peace with him. And it affects my self worth. Other guys want me. But why not this one? Does he not see my worth? That I am so much more than sex? That I have the total package?I worry all the time that my wanting more of an emotional commitment from him is going to drive him to cheat on me. With easy, non demanding lays that want just sex like him. I am sure there are plenty of women who would spread 'em. I worry he is up to no good online just for thrills. I just have this gut instinct I cannot shake and we end up in arguments because of it. He says he is never on Facebook and isn't for days at a time Then I notice his FB use goes to 3-5 times a day. And I accuse him of private messaging other women. He says he is watching videos. I tell him I guess I have to believe you then. I told him I hate that he has tons of women friends on FB thru his work circles. He said that's just the way it is and he is keeping them on FB. That I can't change him. He once raised his hands to me because I accused him of cheating. He pushed hard on my temples asking me what was I thinking. I was not sure if that was physical abuse exactly but he did scare me.I told him I just might fall for someone else cause obviously he isn't serious about me and doesn't care. He was angry. Angry if I ever mention other men. But it's ok for him to do whatever he likes. Then he says I'm not that kind of person. The kind who would find another guy while being with him. He is convinced I would never leave him. And tells me so. Just yesterday he says again: "You would never leave me."He loves that I can have multiple orgasms and says he has never met a woman who can do this and who is so passionate about sex. Who loves it like I do. He says I am his best sex partner ever. I told him my emotional connection fuels the passion I have which fuels the great sex I give him. I am not about mechanical sex or sport fucking. I worry he would go ahead and cheat on me for sport or variety if the opportunity presented itself. I think he is selfish enough. I think he would do it without a single care about me. He would compartmentalize in order to do it. As I said, this is a very dangerous ability to have. My gut keeps telling me he already has cheated. He has convinced me to dismiss it. But, I just feel it. And so the resentment keeps building. It's at the point where I am no longer delusional and he is fighting to keep me there. Not questioning. Not demanding. Just putting out. No complications and no strings. But I am a live, flesh and blood woman with feelings, needs, a HEART. All these things are inconvenient for him. They get in the way! It has become exhausting on all levels to keep performing like a blow up doll with so little in return from him. Knowing deep down he doesn't really give a shit. He makes me feel worthless unless he is fucking me. He keeps changing his words but his actions have been consistent. And when he is trying to keep me in line or doesn't like what I do, he goes passive aggressive on me. Ignores me. Shuts me off. And I have to go begging him for his attention. Asking what is wrong. He just does not realize how deeply he is hurting me. I have often asked myself why has he stayed with me for all these years if sex was all he wanted? Surely there are other women out there with less complications? They are always less complicated in the beginning. Why stay with me if I am such high maintenance? I have convinced myself that maybe it's because he really does love me? But love isn't supposed to feel this way. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Every word that comes out of a cheater's mouth is worthless and not even worth the oxygen it took to breathe in to say it with.
He is saying whatever it takes to:
1. Keep you giving him sex
and
2. Keep you off his back.
You are the "other woman". He wants your vagina, not your demands. He knows that you run on emotions, so he plays them in order to keep you giving him what he wants, which is sex.
I guarantee, and you already have figured this out by now, that if you keep on "calling him out", he will drop you. Had he actually cared about you enough to love you, he'd be divorcing his wife to be with you.
As a matter of fact, his words to you are *so* worthless, that if his wife, to whom he gave WEDDING VOWS to (again, rendered worthless because he is a cheater), ever found out about YOU and called him out on his cheating ways, he'd fall on his face and fight for his MARRIAGE.
Then every worthless word coming out of his worthless mouth would be to diminish what you mean to him in his eyes in order to convince his wife not to leave him.
Think about it! In order to get into bed with YOU, he had to say things to diminish HIS WIFE in order to justify sleeping with her. Usually, they go something like this:
--We've grown apart
--We're not intimate anymore
--I don't love her anymore
--I've never felt with her the way I do with you
--she doesn't listen/understand/care
--she's cheated on me before (this doesn't even have to be true, but why's he still with her?!)
--we have an understanding (ask HER about that!)
--I can't talk to me wife
--I'm just there for the children
--I'm so lonely
--we're divorced already in our hearts (I've actually HEARD that line of rubbish!)
--I'm single (or separated, or my wife is an on-again/off-again casual thing)
--I'm a great listener
Any of these sound familiar??? Disgusting.
You're in your late 30's, rounding the corner into your 40's sooner than you might think. How many more years do you want to flush down the toilet for some worthless sex with a worthless cheater??
Better that you end it and get out of this one before his wife finds out and then you become the ultimate villain when he says to his wife:
--It was just sex
--I don't love her
--it didn't mean anything
--She came onto me
--I don't know why it happened. One thing led to another
--You're the love of my life
--I was having a midlife crisis
--She's so clingy
--She's psycho
--She emotionally blackmailed me with her neediness (that I've actually heard being used by a cheating husband!)
--I lost who I was
--I only cheated because I love you so much and missed our closeness together (that actually got used too!).
I can go on and on all day.
Bottom line. Words are worthless. Actions are everything.
He's sleeping with you while blowing off your demands and staying with his wife. He's lying to his wife every day he draws breath and is betraying her and his kids if he has any.
If I were you, I'd start thinking about all the time you wasted and are wasting. If you stay with him, you're a masochist.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2017):
He tells you different things , because he is married. And when one wants to eat his cake and keep it too, i.e. when he wants to maintain the status quo of having a spouse and also another woman on the side , he can't afford to tell it as it is, and finds more expedient and convenient to adjust his words to the situation, in order to keep you where he wants you: not too close, not too far.
He might have said " I love you ", for instance, if you threatened to leave him, or if you questioned his sincerity, his passion and his loyalty. But then, if you say or do too " coupley " things, or just so that you do not get any "ideas ", it's back to " I like you ".
A post-coital blissful haze may warrant an "I adore you", but then it's back to business and if you insist to talk feelings it is : no thanks, let's not even go there .
It's hardly surprising. I'd say it's normal, standard M.O. for a cheating husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): It means you are his mistress, second best to the wife. The reason his words mean so much to you that you feel the need to analyse them in this way is the important thing here... and you do this because you know the fist statement is true, but are looking for evidence that it isn't. Sorry, but it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2017):
To keep you on your toes? It's a mindfu..-game. My guess is he uses the expression that either falls out of his mouth that particular day or the one that he knows will give HIM the best response from you. If you have been pulling away from him, an "I love you" might work better for him than an "I like you".
If you aren't 100% certain about his feelings you might question yourself rather than him and the situation the two of you are in.
OR simply? He doesn't like to use the same phrase over and over lest it seems unimaginative or fake.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): He's telling you whatever you want to hear. He adjusts the levels of his feelings to keep you confused; and to keep sex available on demand. You behave accordingly. You adjust your attitude according to what he tells you.
He doesn't want you to go and get too full of yourself thinking you mean too much to him.
Why are you concerned about how he changes what he says? What kind of things do you think he's telling his wife? You're second-fiddle and only there at his discretion. She has legal-rights and can take him to the bank.
He shuts you down; because you're the mistress, and you must know your place. He's still with his wife, and you're to behave yourself like a good little mistress. He can replace you at any-time. Tell his wife if you like, she probably already knows about you. He knows how to manipulate you with head-games. You don't seem like much of a challenge; if you're that naive.
Come on. How do you expect to be treated by a man cheating on his wife?
...............................
|
