A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How many chances should I give my ex to be a father when all he does is hurt our daughter! We had our daughter (now 7) when we were 18. He made it clear to me he wasn't happy about having a child and that is what caused us to break up. He then acted like father of the year when she was born, and we got back together for a short while. After we broke up again, he didn't pay any attention to his daughter from one week to the next. He would come take her out for the day and then not see her for a month. When she started to understand what was happening I had to stop it and told him he either had to do it properly or not at all. He choose not at all. Then his mother asked me if my daughter could go to a family wedding with her a couple of years ago. I had no problem with this as his mum is a brilliant granny and my daughter loves her. He was there but my daughter never said he spoke to her or anything. Which made me mad and we ended up having an argument over the phone and he then stopped paying any support. We'd agreed he'd pay a set amount once a month into my bank as he's self employed and to be fair he has never let me down it with until then. I had to go through the courts and have it all done officially afterwards because he refused to speak to me. Now he has a baby with his girlfriend and has reached out to me asking if our daughter can spend time with her brother, because it's cruel of me to stop them having a relationship. At the moment we are going through his mum as we just end up fighting if we talk. I'm happy for my daughter to see her brother and spend time with her dad but she doesn't know him. She knows he is her dad but she honestly doesn't appear to care. She has said she'd like it if her daddy liked her but if he doesn't, mummy likes her. It breaks my heart but he is so unreliable, I'm scared it's going to hurt her. My family hate him and unfortunately they haven't hide this around my daughter but I'd like her to make her own mind up about him but I don't want to have to explain to her that he got bored of playing daddy again. Please help me. Any advice is welcome.
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reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 August 2017):
Hello OP.Kids are VERY SMART, and yes, she will feel upset from time to time, when she realizes that her father doesn't loves her.You can't completely block his father out of her life: that's not good for her. You are doing things right by speaking to him through his mother, because it seems like this dude is a toxic person for you.Your daughter will eventually see how much you love her, and how much his father does not loves her; this is a process she haves to go through, and there is no way you can legally stop her from going through. Yes, I know that you want to protect her, but the more you try to protect someone, the more things backfire as she grows older.You need to give him all the chances in the world, not for HIM, but for your daughter. He is a genetically important part of her life, and there is nothing you can change about that. She needs to grow up with a father figure, regardless if it's a bad roll model or a distant father figure.You do need to take her to therapy from time to time, because his father will cause her to have insecurities as she grows older, and the sooner you address them the better. Best luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): On and off-again dads are hard on children psychologically. Children don't understand rotten adult-behavior. All they expect from their parents is love and attention.
If he can't give it to her willingly or regularly; it might be time to limit his access. Bringing in other kids out of nowhere is far too confusing for a child. Especially when he spends all his time with one; and not with the child he fathered first. The one who can see and understand what he's doing.
He's playing good-daddy for the sake of his girlfriend; because she will wonder if he might someday abandon her and their child. Once he gets tired of being a make-believe dad.
She is trying to force compassion out of him for her own child's sake.
Trust me, the time he has spent with your daughter was probably all orchestrated by her; because the insensitivity and detachment he has shown towards your daughter would be unsettling to another mother. I think your child is much too young for this drama and his ambiguity. Sometimes he's nice; and then he doesn't seem to care at all. You said she is now seeming detached and losing interest on her own.
Do what you think is best. Exchange baby-pictures and videos with his girlfriend. You can maintain your own limited and structured-relationship with her for the sake of the children. My advice is to wait until they're older. There is too much drama for this to work right now. He's a fake.
He is the dividing-factor that will cause more harm than good. Keep her grandmother in the picture. They already have a thriving relationship. Make sure those checks are timely and as scheduled.
Her father is a dick. You have to protect her; because some things just can't be explained well enough to soothe or console a child. They will form their own opinions based on what they see, and you can't lie to them. I don't think he really wants anything to do with either of you. His girlfriend is forcing him to be a father for her on reasons.
If you feel raising her without him is better; you should feel no guilt about it. The fact you are seeking advice on it shows you've put your child ahead of your own feelings. You are acting only in her best interest; and he's making that very hard for you to do. Your baby-girl knows you are.
You're not being cruel, you're protecting her from the fact that he can't force himself to love her. The other child is too young to know what's going on anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Since she is only 7 I wouldn't put it on HER to make the decision, it's up to you.
And while I get it's nice that he NOW wants her around so he can get to know her half-brother... the brother is a baby so where does that REALLY leave her?
Since his mom is a decent person, I'd talk to her and arrange for some visits AT his mom's house for a couple of hours weekly or bi-weekly till your daughter is comfortable with him. And I would set 3-6 months of these visits before she can spend time with him (and his new family) for longer periods (as in a weekend for instance).
That way HE will have to SHOW that he CAN be consistent. And if he isn't... well, then I would talk to his mom again and just keep the visits between her and your daughter.
To be honest? It seems like he is trying to "impress" the new GF that he CAN be a decent father and needs your daughter to do so. I mean if he wasn't dating someone new and had a new baby would he still want to see her? Know what I mean?
While I think kids DO need as many GOOD grown people around them, I think consistency is more important than HIM getting to "play" dad here and that when it suits him.
Pay attention to your daughter, you know her best. See how it works out. I'd go with little steps (for her sake) and if he blows it... well then it's up to YOU to decide if he will get another chance - EVER. As a mom though, I'd try.
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