A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:I had what appears to be a nice guy message me on a dating site. He initiated the contact, so that's a plus in my book. We've each replied once a day for a few days. I'm keeping it light and trying to ask him questions to get more info out of him. But for some reason each message he sends seems to be shorter than the last. I try to mirror him (don't want to come across overbearing). But he also ends each message with "write when you can". I refuse to play games (made that clear in my profile). Been there, done that, NEVER AGAIN. If he's really not interested (seemingly evidenced by shorter messages), why would he keep writing at all? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (8 February 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks you guys! This is my 1st foray back into the online thing (1st time was 3 years ago and I wasn't serious about it and it didn't last long). All of your advice has been very helpful. I understand keeping options open and trying a few people at the same time. But if his interest has waned this quickly then yeah, either meet up or shut up (not to be too harsh!). We'll see wheee this goes, if anywhere...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Probably he's checking out all the options and in touch with several other women ( hey it's a dating site we are talking about ).
If he were totally uninterested ,yes, he'd tell you " sorry I am afraid this is not going to work " or maybe would just stop any contact altogether, - but if he is so-so interested or moderately interested, why burning all the bridges ( he'll think ). Better keep the communication lines open just in case , - if the effort is minimal,of course- and see what develops, you may never know.
Bardia, as you said, you " been there done that "- if you want someone enthusiastic about you, then don't settle for someone who's lukewarm. When people is all fired up and eager to know you or to meet you, it SHOWS, you don't have to wonder.
Also, yes I understand that these days it makes a lot of sense to try knowing more about a person before accepting a date with a perfect stranger, so people want to take it slow, then again it's also true that Internet does not tell you anything for sure about a person, everybody tells little white lies on the Net, and some tell big huge black lies, - so what's the point of dragging on by email conversations you might be having more productively in person ?. I think that rather than setting up a pen-pal system which eventually leaves everybody bored and frustrated, it's better to cut to the chase and set up a date, obviously in a safe way ( public, well lit place, inform a friend of your whereabouts , etc. etc. ).Does this guy want to meet you in person ? Then fine, otherwise "write when you can " is a waste of time. If you want to write... you can write to Dear Cupid !
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A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 There may be many reasons why. He may be bored with just emails and wants to talk or meet, he may already be in a relationship, he may be emailing several girls and is deciding which one suits him more (depending on what he wants out of it)...and do on.
You don't need to mirror what he's doing. Why not just be yourself and say what's on your mind when you message him? Mirroring doesn't really mean fitting in to what the other person wants, it just makes us think we're conforming to the other person and making them feel comfortable. It can work when meeting face to face - but over email, I would just be myself and write as much as I feel like.
It's up to the other person to take it or leave it.
If you're ready to take it to a conversational level then let him know and see the response. If he doesn't want to then leave it and find someone else.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Most guys on dating sites are talking to more than one woman. Perhaps at this point in time you're not no.1 on the list so he's still in contact but has cooled down a bit. He keeps in touch because it's a safety net. Perhaps his no.1 will not work out, why should he just stop talking to you?
What's your aim with all of this? Do you want to meet him at some stage? I'm in favour of meeting early on so as not to waste too much time developing a 'fake' connection online. If you do want to meet him, suggest this in a message. You don't have to ask him out, do it subtly, make a joke about it. His response will tell you where you stand.
My experience with female friends who use dating sites is that they seem to zero in on one guy and spend all their energy wondering and waiting. Guys on the other hand keep their options open and chat to more than one woman. If you accept this and not expect much, it will be easier to trudge through the world of online dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I don't know but it's time to give him the boot. Don't waste anymore time on him.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Maybe he's getting bored with writing back and forth. Men usually like to cut to the chase...talk on the phone a couple of times, then go out to find out if they like you or not. This has been my experience with men from dating sites... How about you suggest talking, and put a stop to the emailing altogether? The sooner you meet, the sooner you can find out if there's any real chemistry. And if not, you can both stop wasting your time.
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