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male
age
51-59,
*miffy
writes:Why am i seeing so many underage people asking for advice about sex?....do they not have responsible parents anymore?....I know there is a lot more pressure to perform nowadays, unlike when i was a teenager, but it still dosent explain it to me, do these children have no thought proces themselves for what is right and wrong?? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Music Man  +, writes (24 April 2008):
maybe their parents..., you know so little about them as people and what they do tell you makes them often seem flawless, or "holier than thou". I wish I had people on a site like this when I was younger because I wouldn't have dreamed of asking a parent. So like most kids I got most of my knowledge from other uninformed kids like myself. Geez if you're going to criticize at least consider the vast difference in what you knew as a kid versus what kids know today. Asking questions is a sign of intelligence, don't you think? Keep giving advice people, you really help people.
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reader, Smiffy +, writes (8 April 2008):
Smiffy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, I am sure the debate will do on and on....many thanks to all for your input...
Eddie, thanks for your wise comments...
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reader, Luvin ryan 4lyf  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 It is true what your saying, there is so much pressure nowadays for underage people to have sex. They have pressure from their friends who have possibly already done it and the opposite sex who keep asking for it and possibly from the media. I recently just left secondary school, i turn 18 this year, and i left primary school with such an innocent mind, i mean sure i knew about sex alredy but as soon as i started secondary it was like i hit a knowledge tree or something, i was quickly learning about other things to do with sex. It wasnt long before every single one of my friends had lost their virginity, and i felt pressured to have sex, it was like i was an outsider or something, i just tried to draw away from it but i started having bfs and i did things with them, lots of things but never sex. When i got to the end of year 9, it was like if your a virgin, your either too ugly to get sex or your that stupid person virgin mary that wants to save it. It was like you are constantly pressured to fit in. But although i felt like i wanted to i never got pressured into it, when i left school at 16 it just died down slightly, well im glad i held it, i only lost my virginity 2 weeks ago to my bf, i was relaxed,calm, ready and im glad i did wait. For any young people out there who think they may be ready, i thought it too, if you look through my questions i posted one saying i thought i was ready but i was scared it wouldnt fit in e.t.c, i havent been on here for a while,just recently started coming back on here 2 daays agoand i come across that question i posted and i thought hard and couldnt think of what bf i was talking about that i wanted to lose my virginity to, so it shows it werent worth it....just wait for the right time.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Another problem with answering young people is the fact that many times they will only hear the answer they're looking for. They seek permission for certain behavior instead of validation. It's good that they ask about things, but in reality, we don't know their mental state and getting advice about delicate issues from someone in cyber land is risky. While many people have great intentions, I've seen some aunts give advice about how to perform certain intimate acts,condone adultery and generally write in absolutes etc. Remember we only hear half a story on this site and it might not always be totally accurate. I try to give general advice, playing the devils advocate and understanding both sides.
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reader, Cindy303 +, writes (4 April 2008):
 The questions I read from the younger generation here scare me so much because my daughter is almost 11 and some of these young ones are just a few years older then her. I hate to think what I dont know about her life. I try so hard to keep an eye on things and keep the lines of communication open, but I hate to think that she would end up doing something at such a young age. I have to guess its the pressure from others at school, what they watch on TV, the fantasy of what its all about. I wish it made sense to why they are here asking for advice like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): There was a good sement on Dr Phil last night that offered good information about raising kids. Preparing kids to take on the world when they leave the nest is very important, which includes a certain behavior and attitude, right and wrong, and the behaviors of others to be cautious of. Allot depends on the childs personality and how well they are guided by a mentor. When parents are not around, because of working etc., then kids find other mentors, such as TV charachters, which is pretty liberal.
It seems girls are taught fantasys, night and shinning armour type stuff, where guys are taught achievement and dominance. This alone creates a bad situation because neither understands what the other wants.
Low self esteem plays a role. Unloving family life plays a role in how kids behave around others. It is a mess, and schools need to take on the job, teaching specifics about our differences and how to get along with the opposite sex and to respect the differences. I think if we could come up with a good plan, we could reduce unwanted pregnancies and crimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Maybe when you grew up you had a close relationship with your parents but not as many people are as lucky as you were. Sometimes when people lack love and acceptance at home they take it from whoever gives it to them. You shouldn't pick on these teenagers its people like you that make it harder for them and make them beat theirselves up. Im not a virgin anymore and I lost to a guy who was great at first then completely changed. After we broke up I regretted it but now that I look back im happy I learned that lesson, it made me stronger and more aware. Life isn't about perfection, it's about living and learning..... Mrs.Charles2b
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reader, Smiffy +, writes (4 April 2008):
Smiffy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi...who actually mentioned about blaming the parents in this issue, but in most cases IF there was more guidance and input from an older role model there wouldnt be sites such as these....If you are an adult and reply on this site I beleve that qualifies you to a certain degree of life qualifications as most of relpies I have seen regarding other questions are from people who have been through the same isues and just want to save the heart ache / problem for someone else....from THERE experience...If one piece of advise is given AND makes a teenager think, then for me its a job well done.Eddie....who gives your kids advice....YOU...are you qualified to give that advice.....??...as me, most likely no...but we all have life experience we wish to pass on to our children / others...
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reader, eddie +, writes (4 April 2008):
It is a good question and I always avoid them. I don't think it's a great idea to give minors advice about such things. There are some pretty strange people out there, including I assume, some of the aunts. Although some minors may need advice, I'm don't think they should be getting it from unqualified strangers. I wouldn't want my kids accepting advice this way. I'm surprised at the shift that has occurred in the ages of the question askers. There seem to be many more kids writing in for advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It really annoys me when I see 'blame the parent' everytime a teenager makes mistakes. My parents were really good. My mum taught me about sex, not only what it was physically but the emotional side to it, and drummed it into me that you should wait until you were with someone you loved. She also made it quite clear that most teenage boys were only after one thing and that a lot of girls get used. She explained all about contraception, different methods, and protecting myself against STDs as well as pregnancy, and I knew that she would talk to me about anything I was worried about.
I still didn't listen. I lost my virginity too young at a party under a lot of pressure from my friends. I was the only one who was still a virgin, and my boyfriend (who was only 15 the same as me) had already had 6 sexual partners. I felt it was the only way to keep him, and feel part of the group with my friends.
There is a lot of pressure on teenagers to be having sex. Virgins get laughed at, and somehow the younger you are when you lose it the cooler you are, and unfortunately most teenagers rate popularity at the top of priorities. You would rather give up your morales then be shunned by all of your friends.
My mum had always told me that sex was a big deal and shouldn't be done lightly - but none of my friends felt that way. It was like 'what are you making such a big deal about, everyone is doing it.'
Unfortunately once you have done it with one boyfriend all future boyfrineds expect it and a lot of the time you are tricked into thinking that this one really does care about you. Just to be dumped the following day and called a slag, which you laugh off to your mates, but inside you feel even worse and try even harder to catch a decent boy.
Low self esteem and peer pressure is a bigger cause of it then 'bad parents.' I believe that is the same thing with having a baby. I don't think most girls get pregnant to get a council house and benefits!! I think most of them want a baby because they think it will love them unconditionally and so will the father of that baby. Hormones and the maternal instinct are quite hard to ignore!! They don't see how much hard work it is, or think about what they will do if the boyfriend leaves. Most of them have friends with babies and I don't think the friends actually paint an accurate picture of life as a single parent, because they don't want to admit how much of a struggle it is. I also think in a lot of cases it is an attention thing, and a need to fit in.
I always try to advise the young people on here that they should wait until they are 16, but then answer as if they were 16 and give the best advice I can. You won't stop young people having sex, but we can try to make sure that they are as safe as possible.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (4 April 2008):
 Sex education. Schools think parents should do it (or have their hands tied). Parents think schools should do it. So it gets left to TV to do it.
Sex education. The teach vaginas, penises, sperm, ovaries, fertilization, and sometimes contraception.
What they should teach is the psychology and behaviour of love: the different emotions associated with it, the differences between male and female experiences, peer pressure, cultural norms, coercive sex and abusive relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I dont think you can blame the parents. Sex is glamourised in movies, music, tv programmes, the media in general. Its made out to be something life-changing and kids want to feel involved and experience this thing that adults and their idols experience.
A lot of the time, afterwards, its a case of "is that it? the world still looks pretty much the same as it did last night." Because such a big deal is made out of it by the media. I personally remember after my first time thinking "i cant believe THAT is what the world is obsessed with!"
But I feel relief when I read about people having questions about sex. At least they are mature enough to ask for advice from people and make informed decisions. They want to know what to expect and what they are getting into. They're not just jumping into it blindly. If they cant go to their parents (and honestly, who would?!) and arent getting informed answers from their peers, thank God they have found this site and can get advice here.
Teenagers are a lot smarter now than they were 20 or 30 years ago. They're a lot more streetwise and not talking to them about sex or telling them they are too young to question it or be curious about something which is being shoved down their throats everytime they switch on the tv or radio or open a magazine or newspaper wouldnt do anyone any good imo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It is a very worrying thing but its the way the worlds going I am afraid.
Unfortunately modern parenting is not as effective as the good old fashioned methods and to an extent there is no fear, respect or discipline within parent/child relationships any more. Im not saying kids should fear their parents but when I was younger I was dicouraged off many things because of what my dad might say if he found out.
It seems the world is becoming more accepting of certain behaviours, we say its just what they are doing these days, so naturally children are using this to their advantage, exploring earlier than ever and possibly getting into more trouble than ever.
I think parents do not take the time to discuss sex with their kids, they think it is all done at school, when often only the basics are covered - the message being, 'sex is illegal under 16 but if you do it be safe'. As there is an option in there, guess what they choose, sex and mainly not safe. I wish the schools would concentrate on the dangers of unprotected sex, not just pregnancy but DISEASE, this is becoming an ever larger issue. I will certainly be educating my kids way before they are of age.
As for the site - its great, but I find it a little annoying that many of the posts are for immature issues rather than adult ones, of course I would rather give advice than them struggle alone and not have any guidance but perhaps an under 18's page could be made, that way aunts could post to the younger members if we wished and deal with adult matters on this page if we dont.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It is something that i have noted quite a few times, but as it has been said, it is better that these questions and asked and often solved isnt of the 'child' ending up in trouble or danger or worse. I think is a fantastic site and i so wish that there had been things like this around when i was young and a teenager. I know i had a few problems and no where to go.
take care
xx
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 April 2008):
 Note that "Lj1001" is very wise for her age. And I agree that your question is valid and very thoughtful. As an older man, I can certainly recall when sexual issues were taboo and difficult for young people to address in America, and perhaps in parts of Europe, although the Continent seems more open to the realities of human behaviors.
We all experience sexual activities with others at various periods in our youth perhaps, but most all of us have urges very early, usually around the beginning stages of puberty which can emerge about the age of 11 or even earlier these days. What is a young person to do other than explore the urges and ask questions? Parents are prone to avoid such issues, or in most cases, the youngsters are too afraid to to bring up their thoughts, but that does nothing to allay the wonderings or the temptations.
Frankly, I wish that the laws and societal norms in the United States would allow me to more openly answer many of the questions posted by youngsters on this Web site for their benefit and edification, but I must refrain because of the law, as well as lingering ramifications of Victorian and prudish attitudes. I'm totally and personally of the opinion that sexual activities among young people are beginning far too early and at immature ages these days, to the point that it adversely affects their lives and futures, but reality is reality.
These kids need and deserve truth, guidance and counsel, often to restrain their urges until they reach what most of us consider to be a proper age and a reasonable level of maturity, but society's norms restrain many of us from openly providing the information that they are seeking. We who wish to help are in a paradox situation.
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reader, Sweet as Honey +, writes (4 April 2008):
 Good call Smiffy, my sentiments exactly! It seems they are all in a race to 'get it on'.
I couldn't believe it when I joined this site, just a few weeks ago, and saw endless threads being posted by people as young as 10! What's the deal hear?
I replied to your reply on the other thread, you posted earlier. This is getting pretty scary.
I mean there is, and have been loads of girls posting on here, as young as 13 wanting to have babies...and that's just on this site, imagine how many more there are.
No doubt they all think that the Council will house them if they are single parents, and that they can live on state benefits. Well I assure you girls, it ain't that simple!!
Do they not want to enjoy their teenage years? Life passes by so very quickly, life's too short, and life is for living, not getting tied down with babies that wont have that safe, secure and happy, loving environment that they deserve. Poor little mites are not asking to be brought into this world, so why should they suffer?
{Phew!! I feel much better now, for getting that out of my system. I'm sorry for the rant guys, but you hit on a raw nerve there Smiffy}.
xXx
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reader, Smiffy +, writes (4 April 2008):
Smiffy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your reply and I agree with most of what you say....although I wouldnt ask my mother at 12 yrs old if I could have sex, (I was more worried about getting my pocket money for the next Smash Hits)...LOL...as I KNEW it was against the law...for one thing...for another me and all my friends didnt consider "doing" it until much later.....yes we all talked at school, but that was as far as it went...in those days....well I am only 41...so not that many yrs ago...LOL
It also leaves me to wonder what schools are doing about educating our kids in school....we had sex ed lessons at school from about 13 yrs of age...we all knew what..when and how....but also knew that to wait was more acceptable.
I have to admit I was classed as a "late starter" at 18...but it made no difference to me that my mates "broke the duck" at 16,17.....peer presure has a lot to do with it all....boys will be boys...girls will be girls and say anything to keep in with the in crowd even if they actually havent done anything....
I also agree sites such as these are great to ask those difficult questions you wouldnt ask your parents or sister / brother.
Sex / making love (for me at least) are very special moments between two people who know what the outcomes may be
The parents of these 12yr olds grew up in my generation...so why are they not passing on the wisdom to there kids....as for sure there parents passed on to them....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Good question. And I can understand where you're coming from, but responsible parents are often the hardest to talk to. To be honest, I think it takes a hell of a good parent to be able to talk to their child about sex - it's intimate, and I mean, would YOU go to your mother if you wanted to try a new position? It's hardly likely that you would, its not a nice thought to think of your parents having sex. And yes, they were young once too, but the thought alone is still not nice, personally.
This is why sites like this are good. Underage people may be asking questions about sex - but at least they are asking them. At least they are ASKING if cling film (yes, cling film) is a good replacement for a condom. If they hadn't asked, then who knows what they could have done? I'd much rather have underage people ask questions, rather than end up pregnant. Teenage years are difficult, with hormones and everything. You've just got to do your best to empathize and sympathize.
I've noticed how the difference between todays generation and their parents generation is ever-changing. Nowadays, we have way more dangers involved in just walking down the street. Fitting in has always been a hard thing to do, but I feel the pressure has become even more in recent years. I'm not saying these teens should go around having sex, but if you think into it, you can see the logic behind SOME of it.
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