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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I think I am asexual. Now I had sex before and I didn't like it. But that's the problem, I hear "you did it before so you must've liked it" and "you just weren't w the right person" no. I just really hate sex and oral. But I like dating and romance. But how's come you can have sex w no romance but not romance w no sex? Why does even the lgbtq community hate me and say I'm selfish? Is what I want so wrong? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Let's start by saying that romance, tenderness and affection do not necessarily disappear as soon as you start dating, or even later on, as for that. Why , my friend's parents are in their 80s and they still walk everywhere hand in hand and call each other pet names.
If the guys that you dated stopped showing you any attention as soon as they " got " you, sorry, they were just not that into you and pretended a brief connection just to get into your pants. It happens- a bit of bad luck, a bit of inexperience, a bit of too much eagerness from your side to jump into something before knowing exactly where you stand with them... it gets better with time and practice :), like everything. You sort of develop the skills that enable you to discriminate and to screen out potential users and players.
Said that, though, I reiterate my advice that you seek out actively other asexuals like you, or, let's say, just to not give out labels too liberally , other people who feel just like you about physical intimacy.
Being fully aware that your choices will be limited, which is unlucky, then again I don't really know if you really can complain about it too much, because, said brutally, it's you who have a "problem " , not " they ". Your expectations are extremely unrealistic because they go against both nature and culture. You want a perpetual mating dance without the mating, an ongoing courtship without the conclusion.
But courtship is just the initial phase of a relational experience , and it 's a build up and lead up to another phase , that of ( some mutually agreed degree of ) physical intimacy.
Most people, really a huge majority, are OK with this process , in fact they want it and crave it. Now, of course when you are young there are a lot of horny young dudes around who only want sexual acts with no emotional intimacy, and this is not fulfilling enough to many women, but believe it or not , also the other way around is not fulfilling to most women : i.e. what you want, just dates and conversations and " being silly " without ANY physical intimacy.
People want BOTH, and you will have to come to terms with this knowledge.
Otherwise you are in the position of a vegan who goes into a steakhouse and makes a fuss because she can't find the right nourishment and , worse, tries to get the other customers to eat only turnips and soy beans.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): OK. Thank you. What I mean by romance is going on dates, laughing around, being silly and having long conversations with men like you do in the beginning.but as soon as we're dating all that goes away.Then we're expected to make out at least and the ONLY guys who are OK with that are serious Christians. They won't date me bc they think I'm too 'forwarded', they're really anti gay, and they're looking for a quiet, submissive wife! I don't want that bc I never want sex!I had sex more than once with more than one guy (2). It was awful, it hurt, I hated it. I thought making out was gross and oral giving and receiving makes me throw up. I hate seeing privates! No, i have not been molested. I was raised you don't even kiss until marriage. But I'm glad I did because it's gross! What if I got married and was stuck for life?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2016):
 They don't hate you. You were just running into people who are not right for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 May 2016):
 If you're open to dating and romance then I don't think you're asexual. I think you're averse to sexual acts, although I don't know if there's a term for that. Keep in mind that most people that you date will eventually want to get physical.
By the way, what exactly do mean by romance? Holding hands? Looking into the sunset? How exactly do you define romance?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): I don't think you can base whether or not you like sex on a single experience. It may have been with the wrong person and under the wrong conditions.
You'll have a long hard search looking for guys who are romantic and don't want sex; unless you date very religious young men who practice abstinence. Most people are not asexual; so you will have to be patient.
I would not rule-out getting some counseling; just in-case there is some underlying or repressed trauma that you experienced at a very young age, and need therapy to help you to deal with it. You're much too young to decide that you're absolutely and unarguably sure you do not ever wish to have sex.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 I agree with Cindy.
Best thing you can do, is find another asexual person. Someone who FEELS the same, and WANT the same.
You ask "Why does even the lgbtq community hate me and say I'm selfish? "
It's not the entire LGBT community that "hates" you. It's the individuals who DOESN'T understand how YOU feel and how YOU work. You will find ignorant people any any group, no matter what their sexual preference is.
It might take a while, but I think your best "bet" is to find someone who feels like you do. And in the mean time, don't feel pressured by anyone to HAVE to do things you are not comfortable with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 May 2016):
It's not wrong per se, but it is not mainstream.
What you are seeing is simply the law of supply and demand in act.
Most people want both, sex AND romance.
Some people want sex without romance.
Few people want only romance, no sex.
If you really are asexual ( i.e. if you are sure that your dislike for / disinterest in sex does not come from psychological and emotional issues that can be worked on and resolved ) then you have to date other asexuals like you. Which obviously narrows your choice of partners, although nowadays with on line communities and specific dating sites for every possible kind of sexual preference, you are definitely not cut out from getting in touch with other asexuals.
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