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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: This happens all the time. I talk to a man on the bus, in class or in a checkout line or wherever and they want my number. So then I have to awkwardly turn him down bc I have a boyfriend or if I don't, I have to make one up. Even more awkward is when someone who knows me opens their fat mouth and days "no she doesn't". Worse is when he tells me he's taken or his girlfriend jumps in and makes it a point to humiliate me.bitch! I wasn't hitting on him, I was just talking to him! Get your nose out of the air and I'll talk to you too! I don't talk about sex, I don't dress provocative, I don't shake my ass. So what is going on and how do I handle this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2016):
 But if you are not tryng to make friends, why do go chat up strangers to talk to them ONCE ? what's the point ?
What difference does it make in the greater scheme of things if you shoot the breeze or not with a perfect stranger whom you'll never see again ? If you just can't stand staying somewhere in line and doing nothing, just bring a book along. Or your phone ( THAT's the perfect moment to exchange texts, or play something - not when you have company ).
If you feel the need to expand your circle of friends, then do that, but in a less random way, for instance signing up for classes or events about things that attract you and where you can find like-minded people with similar interests.
Or else, you can carry on like now, BUT you have got to be a good sport about it and not get all touchy and butthurt if they misunderstand or try their luck.
Because, let's face it, it's normal ! I am not saying always, but let's say, at least 50% of times, if you chat up an opposite gender person, it is with the intent of hitting on them, or letting them hit on you. It's not really that you just CAN'T resist the impulse of complimenting their dog, or their car, or that you NEED to know what book they are reading. It's more a " I like your dog, or car,...and also let's see what happens ". So they cannot actually know what you have in mind, and that , for reasons of yours, you only want to have a conversation with a stranger there and then. SOME of them will think that you want more , or can be convinced to more, than just an one time chitchat, and will act accordingly. What's the big deal?, you just say " thanks but no thanks " or " thanks but not a good idea" or any other variation of the above. You don't OWE people your phone number just because they want it. Same as you would not give, I suppose, 20 bucks to a random stranger just because he asked them from you.
If you feel though that this happens always, or many more time than it 's reasonable to expect, it may be a matter of body language. You do not need to shake your ass or show your boobs to show a personal / sexual sexual interest, the fact is that we communicate in so many subtle, subliminal little signals and the other person picks these signals up and reacts accordingly. Maybe you go chat up only guys that you find very attractive and your body language conveys that primary message " I find you hot " and not the secondary message " .. but even if you are hot I would not do anything with you ".
Maybe you are a bit attention starved, and your body betrays that you are looking for attention, but for the other person it's difficult to decode WHICH kind of attention you are looking for, romantic or not.
Maybe you are shy and tense when you talk to strangers , and unluckily the signals that convey nervosism can be taken for those which mean sexual tension.
But all in all, ... if you do not have a natural knack for chatting up strangers easily , comfortably and on your terms - then just don't do it ! It's not that you win any prize, or improve your life sensibly, the more strangers you buttonhole...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): It isn't always so that men take a friendly female as a flirt.
We know sugar from sheep-dip; and if a lady isn't interested we also know when to shove-off. Some need to be told! Being more assertive is often enough to let pushy-types know to just leave you alone, and you have no intention of offering them your number. Even a cold stare and not a single word gets a point across. The female who threw you the snots was just jealous, and can't trust her frisky boyfriend. She picked a flirt, and isn't woman enough to handle her own choice in men.
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A
female
reader, princessparkles  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 just say no to them and walk away
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 May 2016):
 I agree with Chigirl. Stop taking to men you don't know because your friendliness is being misconstrued as flirting. If you keep to yourself and have a "stay away" vibe, men won't find you quite as approachable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): OK thank you everyone. I guess I'm so friendly with people that way because not too many friends at school. I have three people who talk to me outside school and in school, the popular crowd mocks me for everything so I've always been really quiet. I'm not trying to make friends with men but just to talk to them. Once.
I guess with women I always feel shit down when I try to talk to them. I just mainly need to understand how I come off as flirting or interested. Its so hard to know how other people chat with strangers and it's OK. I just don't get it
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): Practice just saying "no...I'd rather not!" Period!
If males put you in an awkward situation, walk away; or just be blunt and say "no!"
When people are pushy and aggressive, you have to learn to assert yourself. That is self-preservation in a world of insensitive, over-entitled, and rude people. I'm not saying you have to come-off like a rude bitch in every situation.
Gauge your response by the situation and circumstances.
If someone is too forward or asking you for something you don't wish to give them; are you saying you're afraid of hurting their feelings? Are you saying you're just so cute, guys just won't leave you alone? You don't have to give it to them just because they ask. Many will never use it anyway, it's just making a pass at you. You don't have to dress provocatively or act slutty, you're female and that's all it takes. It may seem it happens more frequently than it does, only because it irritates you, or makes you uncomfortable. If it happens that much, then you'll be forced to deal with it. You don't have to come to DC to be told how to do it. It's common-sense.
All you have to do is say no, turn and walk another direction. If he follows or persists, tell him leave you alone or you'll scream.
Works for many of the lovely ladies I know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 Personally, I'd just say:" no, I don't give out my number as a rule, thanks for the offer". If they get mad, ignore it. You can also add: "it was nice talking to you but it WAS just a conversation." YOU do NOT owe a guy your phone number for have had a 5 or 45 minute conversation.
And don't say "sorry" either. You shouldn't APOLOGIZE for not wanting to give your number. There is nothing to be SORRY about. Nor would I stop talking to people (guys included). You just NEED to learn to stand up for yourself and SAY no, when you mean NO.
I do know it's sometimes easier to use the "I have a BF" excuse, but I don't think you should have to lie either. I don't think many guy consider that it can feel VERY intimidating when they are being persistent. (as in keep asking). My guess is that more often than not they are used to girls giving their number just to "shut them up". Which again, you shouldn't HAVE to do that.
And if you turn a guy down and decline giving your number - if he brings up a GF, I'd just say:" that's nice, maybe you should CALL her..." And walk away.
While it can seem like a compliment that a guy wants to talk FURTHER with you, it can surely feel awkward if you are ONLY making polite conversation. But I would in general just take it as a compliment. So if the guy asks, tell tell him no thanks.
IT IS OK!
I'm willing to bet that 9 out of 10 guys who ask you, takes the fact that you will TALK to them as a "shoe-in" - a chance for them to get to know you better. They don't ask to be rude or mean or make you feel awkward. However, that 1 in 10 who becomes rude or aggressive makes these situations really annoying.
And remember you DO NOT OWE a guy your number JUST because you had a chat. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 Maybe you need to stop being friendly and talking to people. I know it sounds awful, but it appears to the the cause of the problem. They appear to be asking for your number simply because you speak to them. Some people might see that as you chatting them up (the girlfriends obviously think so).
So, even though you may be a talkative and friendly person, just smile and don't say anything to strangers. Or maybe not even smile. Just be polite and don't chat people up. Or, keep the friendly note to WOMEN ONLY. That should help as well.
As for turning them down, how about saying the truth: no thanks, not interested. They are grown up, they can handle it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): You're a woman and you're young. That's all it takes. When I was your age I'd get hit on all the time and l was no oil painting. Now l'm nearly 50 I could walk around naked and no-one would notice!
I too found it intensely annoying. I've always been friendly and open and people will misinterpret that. Don't let it change who you are. The girl who was bitchy was probably jealous. Maybe her bf can't be trusted.
I realised as l got older that it's best to be honest and just say no or no thank you. You don't need to justify why you're not interested in someone or explain to a guys stupid gf that you don't fancy him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): First of all, stop lying when you're not single! Just say "I'm not interested/not looking I'M SORRY for giving that impression." If the man or your friend presses, reiterate, "I am not interested/looking and it's unfair to keep pressing."Since this happens a lot, ask your friends if you're coming across as flirtatious. I'm sure you don't mean to, but it seems like you are. Are you mostly talking about strangers or people you don't know well? If so, maybe you are too friendly and familiar. Try this: don't talk to male strangers unless you have to. If you are at a bus stop or on the bus put your nose in a book and keep it there. Its a physical barrier AND it keeps you from making eye contact. If you're in line, play with your phone or at least don't allow eye contact. When a man asks a question, pause and answer yes or no or the shortest answer possible, "bus 22. 25 minutes. If he gets in your space step away and say excuse me THAT is a good reason to look him in the eye. It's not being cold, it's just self protection! Also, think about what you say to strangers: who walks away with the most information? Was what you said NECESSARY for JUST them or could you have said it to a woman? Check your body language, would you behave that way toward a male relative or friend's dad? I hope all that helps sweetie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): I suppose the only way would be for you to be anti-social so that guys would not find you attractive enough to ask for your number. It has to be somewhat flattering that guys are asking you out though? While I do realize that it can be inconvenient and a little annoying for you ladies at times, don't you think this is a good problem to have? Or would you rather guys find you repulsive and avoid you at all cost?If you are looking for a solution the best method in my opinion is to start out polite and direct as possible with the guy. You don't need to lie. An example would be if a guy asks for your number and you said I'm flattered but I am not interested thank you though. If he insists you simply tell him that you are trying to be polite and he needs to be respectful and proceed to ignore him if he continues. But in most instances a guy will get the message on the first decline. What you should never do is try to let guys down "easy". This is almost always misunderstood by guys as you playing hard to get. Polite but direct is the most effective method with us guys trust me and remember that these interactions are always as akward as you make it. Good luck.
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