A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a divorced dad who has a 20 year old daughter living with me. Let me make this short and to the point. Her long time friend who is 22 and in our life since she was 4 years old, propositioned me for sex. I denied her telling her I can't be with my daughter's best friend. She was really upset and embarrassed. I was embarrassed for her too. She's far from being attractive and I think she's had very little sexual experience if any. Now she seems to stay away from my house and my daughter. My daughter is wondering why. This young woman must not have told my daughter and I'm not saying anything to further frustrate the issue. My daughter is now suffering the consequences of this. Should I talk to her friend and try to clear the air or should I let it be?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Perhaps it is the best thing that she stays away from your daughter???
This girl should be embarrassed bed she crossed the line.
Tell your daughter she did nothing wrong so if her friend chooses to stay away then your daughter must respect this choice.
In the end I think all around embarrassment. You say that this girl is not attractive, is this why you turned her down? Next question: if she was stunning what would you have done?
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (27 December 2010):
 You two are both adults. Therefore your daughter has no reason to be brought into it (If, the issue comes up at a later time, which, I doubt that it will) Handle it accordingly, by telling your daughter in front of her friend exactly what happened. The girl stopped coming by because of a thing we all call “Embarrassed” And she should be. She had no right coming on to you being your daughter’s friend. Who need friends like that around? ijs. She’ll get over it.And you have a GOOD day Sir!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 if you are sure that your rejection of this girl is the casue for her not seeing your daughter anymore? the frienship coudl have broken down for another reason? friends can grow apart when they grow up into adults.is your daughter really bothered that she does not see her friend now? does your daughter seek to get in touch with or see her friend?? how long have they been apart for? do you think it may be worth leaving it for a bit longer as see does the friend get over her embbarrassment in her own time? if you are CERTAIN that the reason is because of what happened between you and the friend and you feel like your daughter is upset by the situation then maybe you could speak to the friend and tell her that your daughter would like to see her again and that if she is staying away because she feels embarrassed, reassure her that there is no need as you do not think any less of her. i understand why the friend does not want to come to your house at the moment but is there some reason why your daughter does not go to visit her friends house?
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I vote to try to talk to her friend one more time and clear the air better. If you & her have not talked about it since the original incident then that is all the more reason to try to revisit it when you've both got cooler heads. I don't care how you and her friend left it at the end of the original incident, it had to be awkward and uncomfortable as hell looking back.
It would be better if you could make her friend feel like she was not rejected sexually and more like you are against the idea because you don't want to risk damaging her longtime friendship with your daughter. Let her know that you are flattered by the gesture from her and you see her as an adult sexual person (even if you're not feeling this way).
You may not be able to make contact very easily now. The best way might be to write her a letter, either explaining the situation or asking to meet to talk about it a bit more. She can hang up the phone or leave the room if you try to talk to her but she will probably read a letter from you. Just try to make the point that you don't want this to be stuck so uncomfortable forever now. Let her friend know that these things happen between mature adults as well as 22yos and you have to be able to get things more out into the open at least between the two of you.
As for your daughter, I don't know. Maybe once you have cleared the air with her friend a little more (but not before then) you could tell your daughter than her friend had a brief moment where a hug got carried away or something. You could let your daughter know that there was a sexually awkward moment between you and her friend, without telling your duaghter the whole thing. You don't need to tell her that her friend made a full-on preplanned sexual advance with the intention of following through on it. What to tell your daughter might better be discussed with her friend ahead of time. If you decide not to tell your daughter anything then you should be REALLY sure this won't be a big thing hanging in the air for years to come.
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A
female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (25 December 2010):
I think that you should tell your daughter. Omission can be just as bad as a lie. It could hurt you and your daughter's relationship. You don't have to make her friend out to be a total slut or anything, just tell her that you didn't think you had ever given her friend the impression that you liked her in that way, but she must have thought so because she made it clear to you that she was interested.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Leave it alone. Nothing good can come from talking to your daughter and it's not her business anyway.
If you daughter learns and then confronts you just tell her you always get hit on by girls. Just like she probably gets hit on a lot too.
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A
female
reader, MrsTetzlaff +, writes (24 December 2010):
Tell your daughter what she did. Then tell your daughter to stay away from her.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Weigh up in your mind what could happen, if you continue to stay silent about this, to your daughter. When your daughter finally hears what happened she may wonder why you could not discuss it with her. How would you feel if the girl, to hide her own embarassment tried to claim, erroneously, to your daughter, that it was you, not her, who initiated the offer. Your silence will look
like guilt.
Certainly the girl should have explained herself to your daughter. Yet she has not. Your daughter is now being kept in the dark by both her best friend, and by her own father.
This girl does not have the courage to speak up.
But approaching this girl is fraught with far more risk. In fact you must ensure you are never alone with this girl in any public or private space. Her social skills are not up to scratch. And explaining/discussing this with her could go badly, for you. And be open to misinterpretation by others. Stand well clear of her.
Can you risk raising the issue, with your daughter? There is the fear too that your daughter may wonder if you did anything to encourage the girl. I think not.
The only person being kept of the loop, entirely, is your daughter. And she is suffering as a result.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Although I do agree that it would be good to just let them work it out themselves all I picture happening is the friend twisting the story to make you look bad when she is finally confronted on why she is avoiding your daughter. There is a plus side to telling your daughter what happened so she can see the situation for what it is and she knows then that you had nothing to do with it. the last thing I would want to see is her mad at you because of this girl.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Definitely let this one lie. Any more that you do will probably make matters worse and only embarrass the parties at stake.
Give it some time, I am sure things will work themselves out.
Also you should analyze and try to figure out what prompted this girl to seek your affections. Seems sort of strange for someone to just spring that on you.
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