A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I have a problem. My ex wants to apologize to me "for everything," and I want my boyfriend to be in the know when my ex and I meet up to talk about it. The problem is that I feel like I'm disappointing my ex if I let my boyfriend in on his intentions. I know it's personal -- between he and I -- but if I don't tell my boyfriend and he finds out later, then I would be in even bigger trouble with him, because I never bothered to mention it. I'm at a crossroads here. I don't think my boyfriend needs to know every single thing that I talk about with other guys (particularly my ex,) but I want him to feel safe since he gets jealous easily. And then there's my ex -- am I being a bad friend by telling my boyfriend basically everything (no explicit details, though) my ex and I talk about?Who do I choose? Or what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Look at it this way. By meeting him you would have disappointed all three of you. He wasn't going to get what he wanted it's better you didn't waste his time or give him more hope.
Don't feel bad for him OP he had his chance a long time ago and he blew it. He's the one who disappointed himself, you've moved on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone who answered! You've all expressed the thoughts that I've also been having, but just haven't been able to sort out in my head. I guess I needed someone else to tell me that I was right. To be clear, I don't want to get back with my ex -- I was actually angry that he messaged me about wanting to apologize in person. I honestly thought we were over that already, but his message proved that I was the only one over it. The reason I'm so torn, I guess is because I hate to disappoint anybody. But you've all taught me that it's not okay to disappoint my boyfriend for my ex -- Thank you all so much.And to update you guys, I've already told my boyfriend about my ex's intentions and (before I even asked for advice) I messaged my ex that he didn't need to apologize -- I already forgave him for whatever he did wrong. The reason I decided to still ask for advice is because he got all pissy about my online reply which made me wonder whether I made the right decision.I really hate to disappoint anybody, so making a decision was hard for me. I felt so bad about hiding my ex's messages from my boyfriend; I knew that it was something he would want to know, so I told him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Are you definitely over your ex because if your not sure then you definitely shouldn't go there. But if you know that you are then you should definitely tell your boyfriend first becuse he is the one that you are with now and your loyalty should for him and its not bad on your ex because it is only right that you tell your boyfriend and if y ou dont then you are likely to turn something small into something big and risky if your boyfriend found out.Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Why do you need to meet up with your ex so he can "apologise for everything"? All he has to do is send you a text that says "sorry for everything".
If I was your boyfriend I'd have a huge problem with that. Not a matter of trust OP, but I know and have experienced what it's like when a woman gets with her ex to "talk about us".
There should be no us anymore, what does he need to say that you're so adamant about hearing?
An ex is supposed to be in the past, but you're keeping you and his relationship alive by going on a date with him to discuss it.
You see OP aplogize for everything is a bullshit excuse to meet an ex. My response when I hear an ex make an offer like that is "It's okay, that in itself was an apology, there's no need to meet up, I forgive you, you're my past and there's nothing we need to discuss." You on the other hand are using this as an excuse to see him, which in my mind means you want to see him because you still have feelings for him and who knows, your heart may melt the minute you see him and the risk of that is even greater because you're going for an intimate chat about your relationship with him.
OP to me that's crossing a boundary. I mean seriously, you know this feels wrong because you wouldn't be here if it didn't. You also seem to think that you shouldn't have to tell your boyfriend about you meeting up with an ex, really? You don't think it's important that your boyfriend knows you're going to see one of your other romantic interests? OP if you think you deserve privacy when it comes to meeting other guys then go be single. The fact you'll be discussing deep romance and emotions with another guy is very relevant to your new guy.
Would you like it if your boyfriend was meeting up with other girls and speaking so emotionally and romantically with them? Would you like it if he kept that a secret or told you that he should have his privacy in that way? No, because like it or not OP trust is based on openness and honesty and if you feel you should be allowed to romance other guys and he should mind his own business then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Because matters like that are always relevant to him.
The fact you don't want your boyfriend to know the details of what you discuss means that you want to talk about stuff that are not acceptable, to any man or woman OP. I'm not the jealous type but I'd lose all my trust for a woman who went behind my back to talk to her ex about their relationship. It means she's not open with me, it also means she hasn't let go of him yet, that means she still has feelings for him and still has a loyalty to him that is getting in the way of what we have. I could not trust a woman like that not to suddenly realize in her meeting with her ex that she still wants him, I couldn't trust that he won't say the right words and suddenly she wants him back, if she was over him she'd not need to meet him for something as stupid as an apology. It's simple, "I'm sorry for what happened between us" "Thanks, your forgiven, I've moved on now, have a nice life."
OP you haven't moved on from this ex at all.
I've had this kind of situation happen all too often in the past, any woman who needs to go see their ex is bad news. It's not about an apology as that's as easy as I stated above. You miss him, want to talk to him and want to be close to him. That's how it looks to me and that's exactly who it will look to your boyfriend because there is a lot of truth in that.
You need to ask yourself why you think you "need" go do this. You need to ask yourself why you think hearing "an apology" is worth losing your boyfriend over.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 your allegiance is to your current boyfriend. therefore you keep NOTHING from him.
I'm not sure why you think you owe more to an EX boyfriend than a current one.
I have 3 EX husbands. I have a current husband. I care about husband #1 and #3 enough that I would do almost anything to help either of them. BUT NOT at the expense of current husband! HE is my priority. IF he said "I can't bear the thought of you having any contact with #3 I would have NO contact with him. (#1 and I have children together so it's not viable to go NO CONTACT with him but I have such minimal contact with him (maybe 2 conversations a year and one or two emails not related to us personally)
Your ex has said he "wants to apologize for everything" personally what I would say to this EX is "apology accepted"
and move ON
if he INSISTS ON MEETING YOU... he's got ulterior motives and you should tell current boyfriend and have him take you... and you say to the ex "Ok I'll be happy to meet you in a public place... current boyfriend and I will be there" and he will blow a fit because having current boyfriend there will NOT meet his expectations of being able to convince you to give him another chance.
The fact that you think it ok to keep secrets from your current partner meets my criteria for cheating.
CHEATING is ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your partner.
So if you think that it's OK to sneak off and meet a man (your ex or otherwise) without telling him, you are CHEATING your current partner.
AND if your current partner is one that is so insecure and jealous that having friends outside of your current relationship is not acceptable, perhaps you need to rethink the relationship with the current partner.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You seem to have this way backwards. "I don't think my boyfriend needs to know every single thing that I talk about with other guys (particularly my ex,)"
No your boyfriend doesn't need to know everything you talk about with friends, but with your ex it's MORE important, not less, that you tell him what's happening there. You should not be having secret talks and meetings with an ex, that is certainly something to break up over.
Your ex is occupying way too much emotional space right now for you to be friends with him. The fact that you're even asking this question is a good indication that you really need to cut your ex out until you've really moved on.
Maybe your current boyfriend is a jealous person, but it sounds like he has pretty good reason. Your loyalty needs to be with your current boyfriend, not your ex, for any reason. Unless you want to break up and wreck your boyfriend's trust, you need to cut out your ex from the picture.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 The current one. The ex is an EX, he is out of your life, you don't even need to be in touch with him, and least of all to go out on a quasi-date with him for the sake of letting him do his "personal " stuff . What is there to " talk " about ? He wants to apologize to you for everything ? Fine, he can send you a nice email, " dear X, I am so sorry I treated you badly " - you say " Ok, Y, apologies accepted, I wish you well"- over and done.
If you feel this burning desire to do for him other than the civil bare minimum, then he is not really much of an ex, he is still very present on your mental scene, - too much for being respectful to any new bf, jealous or not.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Why do you need to be friends with your ex? What is this chat going to achieve? Why is your ex still in your life anyway? Why are you worried about disappointing your ex when you have a boyfriend?
To me it seems like your ex is still WAY too involved in your life, it is not normal to worry about disappointing your ex if you are 100% over him and in a happy relationship with a new person.
So I cant really help you until you answer the questions above - to me it would be really simple, you dont meet up with your ex because you love your boyfriend and dont want to hurt him. Your ex is the past and nothing he can say should be relevant to you anymore, it is a waste of time. So you are going to have to explain what is going on with your ex before we can give you a decent answer.
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