A
female
age
36-40,
*edBird10
writes:I am at a relationship crossroads. I met my college sweetheart "Andy" when I was 18. We were friends for a year, and then dated for 3 and had planned to marry someday. We had typical young love problems and broke up when we graduated. He went to Europe for grad school and I went to Asia to teach. Over the past three years now, we have kept in touch just occasionally and have each dated several other people. We have also each settled into happy relationships. I am now engaged to "William," who is caring, loving, etc., and with whom I could have a happy life, but we do not have the spark I had with Andy. The only person I ever felt an unexplained cosmic connection with was Andy. I have been engaged for three months to William, and the only doubts that I have are my lingering feelings for Andy. Finally, I skyped Andy to find out what he felt once and for all. He was in a similar situation: he had found a happy relationship with a great person with whom he felt no truly rare, deep connection. I am probably going to postpone the wedding to William but the bigger question is whether I should break up with William completely to start anew with Andy. We decided that IF we were to pursue each other, that we would try to start a new relationship with each other, e.g., no promises for a happily ever after. To further complicate things, we will be apart geographically for the next two years as we each finish degrees. We decided to take a few weeks to think and then discuss the issue again. I am really conflicted. I had a very tempestuous relationship with Andy, but I doubt I will ever feel for someone else what I feel for him. William, on the other hand, is wonderful, but I can never see him as my soul mate. What should I do?
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broke up, engaged, fiance, soulmate, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Let me see? hmmmmm..."my soul mate" is not the one I'm about to marry? You have answered your own question, your soul is gonna be with you 'til you die, shouldn't your soul mate?
A
female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Poor William, you are behaving like a douche towards him. You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel about Andy. Maybe you don't have closure with Andy and eventually you may regret letting William go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 Always end one relationship before you start another. This will bite you in the ass some day. You are romantically involved with Andy while ENGAGED to Willliam. Either Willian is the man for you or he isnt, regardless of Andy wanting you or not! Anything else is incredibly selfish.
Figure out where you stand with William before you.as much as give Andy, or another man, any thought. Why did ykou accept the proposal if you arent going to be faithful? This is called emotinal cheating. Think about what you are doing to William who actially thinks you love him only. You are two-timing him. Obviously, hes not for you as you think he comes second to Andy. He will never be good enough for you, always come second. How is that fair to him?
End the relationship so that William can find someone who loves only him, is loyal to him, and puts him as their number one. Then continue to pursue Andy and your cosmic connection.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): By your own omission Andy is your man. Let William go and get on with your lives...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2013):
 No matter what happens with Andy please let William go NOW.. do not drag it out for him as it will be more and more painful every day that you do.
two years is not forever... and maybe you and Andy can take them one day at a time and see how it goes... until you are sure 100% that it's Andy or NOT.. then you will never be free to find your one true love... it MAY be Andy.. and I think you need to find out...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 November 2013):
You need to pick Andy. Your feelings aren't as strong for your fiance William as they are for Andy, and to be describing anyone other than your fiance as your soul mate like this shows that Andy is the one you should be with. Even if it never went any further with Andy, at the very least it would best to let William go so he can find someone who will feel this strongly about him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): The fair and honest thing to do is to break up with William.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013):
Here another thing ' what happens if you ditch William? And Andy thinks nay I can't wait around and anyway I told her, lets not look for a happy ever after ? '
You might just find out how poor muggin's William been played ..
I do agree with breaking up, you can not give yourself to anyone else as you are still in the ' fantasy' of ' what if'. And here the kicker ' Andy' might be on a daily basis drive you bonkers not because its sweet and cute but because he doesn't give much a poo..
I'm sorry if you find me a touch heavy but I think your rather selfish even to begin such a relationship knowing how you felt for Andy in the beginning .
Take care though x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2013):
 Cut poor William lose, seems like he is your "spare" or your "well if I can't get better I'll settle for William". Wow. I find that kind of cold.
You never got over Andy, he never got over you either, so that makes you both not really accessible for new partners.
You are already leaving your fiance behind to "catch" up with Any and see if the spark is still there, THAT is not fair, give back the ring, break up with William THEN you can figure out if Andy is the ONE or not for you, but stringing William along while you ponder this, it's not at all right.
HOW would you feel if William was doing all that and feeling all this about another girl? You would be devastated and/or furious. Wouldn't you?
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