A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Who is responsible for kids turning out drug addicts? The parenting? The genetics? Or just luck? This situation is ruining my life,and my marriage, and I feel ,Im not responsible for this, but the society is turning against us . It is very painful and dysfunctional life to have two drug addicts, in the same family from a very young age, but I cant seem to see, what did we do so wrong , that it turned out like this? I have guesses, but never sure. Even so we went to hundreds of therapies, and so on, I still dont know for sure what happened. I know, you dont know the exact situation here, but please tell me , what is your general experience or opinion on this subject. Thank you very much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): Parents are not to blame.
Unless working too much and still barely making it through the meat and potatoe 1980's is their fault.
Problem - society is geared towards feeding the mind to believe it is learning. And that we guide and govern ourselves.
As long as our choice of guidance is directed under the scrutinity of power abusing police and government officials.
School gave only one option to conform right handed and choose an occupation. There was no room for self growth nor recognition of talent.
Parents were too busy struggling to pay interest rates while the judicial branch of the economic wing of this country scoured the ranks of every elementary school with multiple choice CAT exams.
The results or reasons left unknown other than a private firm whom funded the exams scope of research in behavior and personality traits or "what job best suits me" and the various tests they offer based on the four quadrants.
So in a nutshell what I am saying is without anyone paying attention the addictive personalities,the kindered spirits, and any old soul were pinpointed across the nation.
Now the police and government can stabalize the economy nd grow their power. Create jobs for them and their kind and grant all the tax dollars back to themselves.
Forward potential list of the last names of potential no good doers or "kids being kids". And if they happen to "be kids", identify, isolate, intensiy and initiate. Push those addictive personalities and kindered souls together.
Treat them like shit chase them engage heavily on those 12 year olds sneaking a beer. Make them hate cops. Mold that spirit of rebellion.
Push them to non compliance. Make it a sport. Create drones just waiting for anything to further separate. Its only a matter of time now...
Until drugs take over these disbanded youth abused by full grown male police officers starting at the age of 6. Outcast taught to hate and rebel.
Its only a matter of time now...
Until drugs and dealing and crime take over as the economic means of survival for these youth.
Or for some job stability. Future economic expansion and more funding for the judicial branch. Oh Canada Our Home And Native Land True Patriot Love In All Thy Son's Command
Just say that anthem to yourselves and it tells you exactly what its about.
I love Canada. And being Canadian.
I however can see through the manipulation and dominant authority the business of police and job stability has done to footprint their economic stranglehold upon the youth and the spirit live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): I' m The OP,
Thanks very much for all the wonderful caring answers. I really appreciate you kindness, and your understanding.
Yes, we tried to help them beyond belief.But sadly no effort ever worked so far. They are way down on the road, and had many overdoses and health complications. I dont believe in the peer- pressure as much, because they like to do it alone. The weirdest thing is ,that one is into heroin,and the other is into crack. Me and my husband never drunk, or smoked or used any drugs . They had very good childhood, and they were smart and good looking,but they just really liked drugs. I thought about genes, as there are a few relative with bipolar, they dont do drugs, but they are very ill. So I thought maybe undiagnosed mental illness could be responsible for that. But the doctors are refusing to investigate until they are on drugs, as drugs can mix up the symptom's. Well,it is a tragedy, and yes nobody can really understand our pain,but I'm always open for new ideas. Thanks a lot again.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2012):
 While placing the blame may help you cope, the best thing I can recommend for more insight into how this is NOT your fault is to contact Al-Anon and attend meetings....
Many of the meetings are populated by PARENTS trying to cope with their children's drug and alcohol use... Al-anon is not just for spouses/partners...
I think that genetics, upbringing and peer pressure all come into play.
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female
reader, Molly9945 +, writes (29 May 2012):
My advice, read Freakonomics and the section about drugs. It doesn't explain all of it, but the major reasoning. Parents are, but only VERY minorly, friends and peer pressure depend on the child's personality, but mostly it's the environment they grew up in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): They are responsible. No matter how much you say "beware of this..." "avoid such and such..." if they meet the wrong person they can quickly get sucked into an awful world. Ultimately it's their choice, you can't be with a child evey second of every day and unfortunately the company they choose to keep at school spends 7 hours a day with them. Scarily their influence over your child could become stronger than yours, through no fault of your own.
Some families you see the parents on drugs and the children get sucked in, but some rise out of it. Some parents are the picture of perfect middle-class, children privately schooled and their children can do well, but they can also become drug addicts and be put in rehab before they're 20.
It must be just unfortunate circumstances of meeting wrong person, wrong time. So many factors contribute to say each different case but in every instance that person always has a choice. They could say no. It all comes down to them and peer pressure plays a massive part, if they aren't willing to stand up against it then that's their choice.
Perhaps try couples counselling for you and your husband. Work on your relationship and build bonds to be strong together and accept that you did your best TOGETHER. Neither of you was right or wrong but just did what you thought was best at the time and I hope your marriage can recover.
Best wishes
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Peer pressure. In other words, the influence of others their approximate age.
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (29 May 2012):
Yes, addiction can run in families. We've had quite a number of alcoholics in our family. But my grandparents were more or less abstainers. Their sons grew up in an environemnt where imbibing was accepted and commonplace, and it got the better of them, so perhaps there was a predispoditon. In my generation there were some alcoholics, but probably no more than you would expect.
It doesn't really matter why your kids are what they are. Even if it was parenting you can't go back and change anything -- what happened, happened. The only thing is going forward. There are qualified addiction professionals who can help. Look for them.
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female
reader, feralfox +, writes (29 May 2012):
First I want to say that It sounds like you have done everything you can in your power to get them the help they need. It's up to them now to turn their life around. They have to WANT to get well again, you can't instill those feelings in them on your own. Do not feel guilty for something that is out of your own control... all you can do is be a resource for them should they wish to change their lifestyle.
That being said, I grew up very poor but in a loving family. Many of the people around me have turned to drugs and alcohol.. I have noticed that most of the drug addicts I have known came from families that divorced when they were pretty young. Many didn't have any supervision after their parents split, and many developed emotional issues. In the case of one of my friends, I think she felt a lot of pain when her father left, barely kept in touch, and then remarried. I think it was her way of escaping, and also a way to say "help! I'm depressed, and you are not paying attention." I'm not saying it's his fault, after all we are in charge of our own destinies. I think Really all you can do is educate children, try not to shelter them from the truth so that they are prepared for when they are given a choice to try something they shouldn't. There isn't much else you can do.
Also, some people are more open to trying new things than others... it can be a personality thing. Have you ever seen the show Intervention? Almost all of the people who are interviewed about their addicted loved one say things like "he was the class clown" or "he was full of life and energy", and things like "he was a trouble maker but a lot of fun".
When it comes down to it though, anyone can become a drug addict. Sometimes we just make bad choices... it's an accumulation of things. It would be silly to think that it's all your fault when there is so much in the world you can't control. Try not to be so hard on yourself by focusing on what could have been done, and instead focus on what you can do now. Remain supportive by offering to get them help, buy them food etc. , but don't enable. You have probably heard of this term before, but in case you haven't enabling can mean many things. Some examples are: giving them money when you suspect they are using it for drugs, giving them rides to their "friend's" houses, tolerating their drug use in your home, and making excuses for their use because you don't want to see them get sick from withdrawal. I really hope this helps and that your family finds some peace. I understand what it is like to love someone who is sick and unhappy.
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reader, MeShell +, writes (29 May 2012):
 I honestly don't think genetics or the parenting are a reason. You are their parent. You taught them the difference from right or wrong. Unless you handed them those drugs and didn't give advice on things you are to blame. Heck it could be friends. I could agree with person12345 on the whole friends and moving, but that wouldn't help. IF your kids are drug addicts then friends don't matter. They will find another friend in another city that will help them with their addiction.
You are not to blame. Maybe it's your fault for not noticing the signs, but you didn't make them do it. Your child chose to do drugs, it's all about decision and they made theirs.
All you can do now is be by them and help. They will need you at this time.
Also about the people ridiculing you and saying it's your fault are wrong. You should not listen to them. That's their opinions and they are entitled to them, but it doesn't mean their right. They will talk, you just have to choose to not listen. I hope I help. :)
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reader, person12345 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 It's not so much "parenting" as environment as a whole. For instance if one identical twins becomes an addict, the other has about a ~60% chance of becoming an addict, while with siblings it's only about 30%. This is the strongest evidence right now that it's heritable. You could argue that siblings of all kinds more or less have the same parenting and environment, but identical twins are far more likely to share the trait.
While there isn't much quantitative evidence on the subject, it's often thought the friend aspect of the environment has more influence than the parents (assuming the parents aren't addicts themselves). Really the only thing you could have done to protect them would have been to move, which obviously isn't always possible.
The issue is incredibly complicated and it's not your fault. This is not your doing, you didn't turn them into drug addicts. There is nothing you could have done to protect them. Addiction is a very powerful thing. It would almost certainly help you to attend alanon. It's different from normal therapies and most people find it extremely helpful. I know it's mainly for relatives and friends of alcoholics, but they are also there for drug addictions.
http://al-anon.org/
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): It doesn't matter who is responsible. Blaming won't change the fact that your kids are drug addicts. But it's YOUR responsibility as parents, to stop their damaging behavior and to get them help. There are many ways this could've happened, many reasons that are probably out of your control. But if you love and care for your children, do your best to help and cure them. That's your responsibility. Society may blame you now, but when they see that your children are better because of YOU, they'll only have good things to say. Good luck!
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